Contact with ex- step children

10 replies

nozbottheblue · 15/02/2022 17:40

I'm posting this after reading an AIBU from someone who wants no further contact with her ex-step children; my case is the other way round.
I was with my ex for 13 years. My children and his never got on well, and I had a difficult relationship with two of his.
When I left my ex, he told me that if he ever saw me again he'd tell me to fuck off- so all contact was also severed between me and his children.
All children are now adults and I have always wanted to know how they're all getting on.
Ex died a year ago: I found out through a mutual friend, who had been asked by ex's eldest to let me know before I heard about it on the grapevine. This was very kind of her, and I'm wondering whether this means she would be happy to make contact with me again?
I've drafted a letter to her a couple of times but never been brave enough to send it.
Thoughts please?

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 15/02/2022 17:43

I would make some kind of indirect contact - so that you give the 'child' an option whether to respond. Could the mutual friend let the 'child' know you would be interested to hear from them.. pass on a mobile number or something?

Mogul · 15/02/2022 18:21

I think no pressure contact would be good, give them the option to reply or not

KylieKoKo · 15/02/2022 20:39

@LittleOwl153

I think this is a good idea if you know a mutual friend well enough.

Jennyfromthere · 17/02/2022 14:10

Gosh that’s a difficult one. I’m a step mum and can’t imagine wanting anything to do with them if/when their father passed away, but they’ve been vile to me for years.
Indirect contact sounds the best option so she can decline without feeling embarrassed. Good luck with your decision.

strawberrypotato · 17/02/2022 16:00

I think the indirect contact is a good idea too, go back through the mutual friend if they don't mind and maybe ask them to pass on your phone number to see if they wanted to meet for a coffee or something, that way it leaves the ball in their court and they won't feel pressured either way. Good luck!

Babadook76 · 17/02/2022 16:02

Can you look for them on social media op? I know not everyone’s on it, but if you are a simple friend request will be a bit more informal than a letter

ANameChangeAgain · 17/02/2022 16:04

What about sending a thinking of you card, and including your contact details? That way the door is open without getting in too deep.

Londono · 17/02/2022 16:16

I think @ANameChangeAgain's suggestion is perfect.

I am also in touch with my now adult former stepdaughter and despite having a challenging relationship when ex was involved - he liked to play us off against each other - our renewed relationship brings us both so much joy. We now message most days and see each other once a month, it is truly lovely.

Best wishes to you, OP.

Londono · 17/02/2022 16:16

(She contacted me to rekindle our relationship after sending me a birthday card)

Original poster

nozbottheblue · 20/02/2022 09:07

Thank you all for your thoughts. I have drafted a letter (again!) but not sent it yet.
Good to hear it worked out for you Londono.

OP posts:

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