If you couldn't have children, would you date someone with children?

[Musttryharder2021]

I was almost in this situation a year, as in I thought I'd never have a chance to have my own family, and as such started thinking about the future, and whether being a step -parent, should I have met someone with children, be "enough". To be a family with someone. I now know this was quite naïve to think.

Fortunately, my IVF treatment with a sperm donor was successful and now that my son is here, I can't quite relate to my former feelings. I think I'd actually find it hard to really be invested in someone else's children the same way.

For those of you who are childless NOT by choice, or for those who are ambivalent about wanting own children, how do you manage your feelings?

TIA

I too am fortunate to no longer be childless. But this was very unexpected. The one thing that really really got to me was "at least you've got DSC" and the NHS criteria in my area excluding us because DH had children. As if they should somehow be considered my children or a consolation prize.

For those of you who are childless NOT by choice, or for those who are ambivalent about wanting own children, how do you manage your feelings? `

I have always been fairly ambivalent towards having my own children, leaning towards not having them. I think my ambivalence means that I don't really have feelings to manage. I see DSDs as individuals in their own right rather than some kind of replacement for hypothetical children that I didn't have myself.

I am sure that if I did have a child I would feel differently about them than I do my DSDs but I don't see this as any kind of issue or something I need to manage.

I honestly don’t know. I think it would be really hard for me personally and it would have eaten me up.

I don’t think a stepfamily would have been enough. For ME, it would be less painful to just focus on a life that didn’t involve children at all if I couldn’t have children. And I think that’s where my life would have gone.

I always wanted children so I’m not your target market but I had serious doubts it would happen after I married DH who already had two as I had recurrent losses over a few years and it wasn’t looking likely I’d manage to keep a baby. I never considered leaving but I did have some pretty dark days of wondering how the sacrifices of family life without being a mum myself would be doable. A few well meaning if thoughtless people told me “well at least you’ve got your DSC” as if the pain of not getting my own would be lessened by having someone else’s in my home. It wasn’t. It was a near-constant distraction which was something but giving up time, money, energy, flexibility, spontaneity for a family in which I’m a bonus rather than a parent wasn’t always easy.

We were lucky in the end and I found having a baby didn’t mean as much change as we already had all the constraints of family life and she slotted in pretty easily.

If you don’t want children I don’t know why you’d want to date someone who has them. If you want them and can’t have them I think it would make your life harder. Depends on what you’re looking for. Plenty of step mums with their own already find it hard enough. But being with someone who ever says “but I can’t cos kids” when you wanted your own and have processed that grief would be rubbing salt in a wound.

It's in no way a replacement for your own child in any way shape or form imo. Especially if the children have a mother already. Perhaps the only time it may be different is if their mother isn't around and they are still very small.

I would not date a man with kids if I was struggling with the fact I couldn't have my own. It would never be "enough".

I think anyone who believes it could be is deluded to be frank.

And I'd actually think it would make you feel worse if anything.

I don't think I could. It would be too painful.

I would never date anyone with children regardless. I wouldn’t want the responsibility of someone else’s children regardless of how selfish that makes me sound.

I especially wouldn’t want to become involved with someone else’s children when I couldn’t have my own. That would feel like salt in the wound every day.

No, as it would probably make me feel worse, being with someone who had what I couldn't.

I don't have children yet, but hoping to.
I do date guys with children, but I'm not sure I ever see a future with them, I've never got to the stage when I've been introduced to them.

Most men in the Uk seem to see their children EOW and maybe once in the week. It's not much time for a 'step mum' to build up a relationship, especially if the Dad is a decent dad and doesn't neglect his relationship with his kids.

I've always assumed step dads have an easier role as they see the kids more and often are replacing and Dad who's not that hands on?

@endlesssighing

I would never date anyone with children regardless. I wouldn’t want the responsibility of someone else’s children regardless of how selfish that makes me sound.

I especially wouldn’t want to become involved with someone else’s children when I couldn’t have my own. That would feel like salt in the wound every day.

Yes I agree and would be the same, it could be seen as selfish, but I think someone else expecting you to put up with their children in a relationship and then calling you selfish for not wanting to deal with all the problems/hassles/dramas that children bring to a relationship is selfish of them. I wouldn't want to adapt my lifestyle to suit a ready made family's lifestyle, as you fully know well that the person who doesn't have any children will be the one having to make all the adjustments to fit around the children and some times sacrifices which I wouldn't be happy with especially if it stops me from doing the things in life I enjoy and would rather be doing but someone else's childcare prevents me from doing it.

I always wanted children of my own, and indeed after six years of issues and operations due to endometriosis/adenomyosis that dream did come true.
When I look back to meeting my husband a decade ago, him having a child was never an issue for me in fact myself and my whole family welcomed his child into our family and we had a lovely relationship. At that point in my life I was undiagnosed and unaware of my medical/fertility issues. In hindsight to be brutally honest had I been diagnosed before I met my husband I would have 100% swerved the relationship knowing what I know now. I know this sounds cold but it's something I've even spoken about with my husband and he understands... dealing with what I had to deal with alongside an ex wife who for the duration of our relationship has been confrontational, manipulative and unpleasant wasn't easy. For me I believe the mother, and the control and influence she exerts, is the biggest factor in things... being a step parent can be a thankless job at the best of times but when you face extreme behaviour from the other parent it becomes another level. For us fast forward ten years and he's been well and truly alienated from his father, from all of us, and quite sadly is totally wrapped up within her new relationship with a man with a criminal conviction for domestic abuse. What it's taught me is just how quickly everyone can be dropped like a sack of shit after they've served their purpose. With a mother who isn't combative it would be totally different I'm sure of that. For me, that's the biggest decider. Everything can be ripped away in an instant so personally I wouldn't pin all hopes of a family life as a step parents as it's very dependent on the sorts of adults you are dealing with Xx

I'm childless/free (circumstances rather than never wanting children/infertility), and I have one DSC. What I found the hardest when they were young was having a lot of the restrictions and hassle of having young children, with none of the 'awwww' moments that I assume you get from your own children that make it worthwhile.

I've had many of the "well at least you have DSC that must be lovely for you", or "lucky you, all the fun with none of the responsibility" type comments from people, I can only imagine how hurtful that would be if I desperately wanted my own but couldn't.

My twopennorth is that where their mum is actively part of their life, it can be very hard to find a mum-type role for yourself as it generally isn't wanted or needed. So anyone going into a relationship actively looking for that role due to not having their own children would almost certainly be very disappointed. That doesn't mean you can't be a great stepmum, you can have a fabulous relationship, and have some lovely moments, of course you can. But it isn't a 'proper' mum relationship - they don't need another mum.

And if their mum is 'difficult', or doesn't want you involved, then it can be hard (or even impossible) to form a positive, close relationship with the children, no matter how lovely they are, or how much you might want that.

I thought I couldn't have children. I was happy to meet my DP and his kids. I guess I had been searching for more meaning in my life and I found it. I never thought I'd feel like anything more than an adult who cared for them, certainly not a parent. My LO arrived unexpectedly a couple of years later. They are two completely different experiences, not comparable really.

@linchinton

I don't have children yet, but hoping to. I do date guys with children, but I'm not sure I ever see a future with them, I've never got to the stage when I've been introduced to them.

Most men in the Uk seem to see their children EOW and maybe once in the week. It's not much time for a 'step mum' to build up a relationship, especially if the Dad is a decent dad and doesn't neglect his relationship with his kids.

I've always assumed step dads have an easier role as they see the kids more and often are replacing and Dad who's not that hands on?

To be honest it can be hard work getting EOW access. It's not necessarily the Dad not being hands on but the Dad having to fight to retain contact with the kids.

I would assume most step Dad's have a pretty passive role in proceedings.