Living with Adult Stepkids

[blueskies78]

Long time lurker first time poster who would appreciate honest opinions on this please...

DSD who is 19 came to live with us back in Jan 21 so just over a year ago. We get on, always have done (I've been in her life since she was 14) but recently I'm really starting to get annoyed with the living situation. DSD works full time & is on what I would consider decent money for her age yet in the year she's been here has not contributed anything to the household - I mean literally nothing. No keep, no contribution to any of the bills, no food shop, not even a pint of milk. If anything runs out (milk, loo roll, washing powder etc) she'll just leave the empties and wait for it to be replaced. I've learnt to hide nice treats I've bought for myself or my more expensive toiletries as they just get used up too, which feels really petty but After a year it's really starting to grind me down, and it's such a shame as we do have a nice relationship (not a stepmother one as such but she'll come to me for chats / advice rather than her dad etc)

For context, we (me and DH) both work full time, we aren't particularly well off nor do we massively struggle but some help with bills etc would be great, especially given how much stuff is increasing, and the extra cost of another person in the house. I think it irks me too how it's not even like she's saving for her own place or a car she's literally blowing all her money on going out Friday and Saturday nights, then relying on everything else to be provided for her until the following weeks pay, before doing the same again. It's hard not to be annoyed seeing the weekly Facebook posts of her out in expensive restaurant and bars whilst we're trying to budget meal plans for the week.

Reading that back I've not painted a great picture of her, but she is a genuinely nice girl, apart from the above and the standard messy / laziness of a teen who doesn't like to tidy up, but we have a 3 year old who adores her and she's brilliant with him. I think she's just become a bit self centred and selfish without realising maybe. I've tried to bring it up with DH in the past, and he's kind of brushed over it in a "yeah you're right she should be contributing I'll speak to her" kind of way but nothing ever gets done. So I need to speak to him again but I'd like to know other opinions on this? Or if anyone else has been in the same situation

Im asking this now as DSS who is 22 has started making noises about wanting to move in too, which we can (just) manage space wise but i don't want to get into the situation of another adult who is on a full time wage expecting to live for free whilst we end up paying even more out.

I think it's actually quite bad parenting to let kids be used to spending their full paycheck without learning how much things cost. Fair enough if she was paying equivalent to rent in to savings but this isn't doing her any favours. I suggest you sit her down with the house budget and run through how much things cost then ask her to contribute a set amount to that and save a set amount each month to get in to the habit of having those outgoings.

I got a job at 16 and my mum and Stepdad asked for £100 a month. Then when I was working full time they asked for £150 a month, to buy my own treat foods and I paid my car (mum had my phone contract which I paid for. My sister just moved back in (22F) and she pays £150 a month to our parents. It helps with budgeting and for the future

A lot of parents would have their 19 year old living with them (and their 22 year old tbh). But if they're both working, it is perfectly fair to expect a contribution to living costs. Have they been asked?

I might not split the bills 4 ways given that I'm the parent but it is important for them to take some responsibility for their own lives and appreciate that nothing comes for free.

I would also say that expecting a 19 year old to volunteer to help with housework / shopping / paying bills is massively optimistic. I'm sure lots of MNers will say their 19 year olds insist on helping but as you say, kids that age are self-centred and don't think of others that much. I think you'll need to ask (or get DH to ask / insist) on some help.

My DS got a full time job when he was about 17/18 and I asked him for rent and needed help cooking once a week.

My DSCs were expected to contribute. The contribution went up year by year until they moved out. They are now paying around £600 a month more for similar facilities, minus the cook and the housekeeper!

Sorry if I have missed it, OP, but have you spoken to your husband about his DSD contributing and helping?

I agree with all the PPs that it sounds like she’s ‘treating the place like a hotel’. And you definitely need to get this fixed before any discussion about the 22 yo moving in.

Do neither spend any time at their mums?

Any chance they could think about a flatshare together?

YABU to expect your dsd to know that she should be contributing when her DF hasn't said anything. She's not a mind reader, and lots of families don't take any money from teen dc, even if they are working. Expectations need to be laid out for her. If her DF doesn't want to talk to her then he needs to give you the shortfall.

Sorry delayed reply, discussed it with DH and apparently they've had a few conversations where the price of £40 a week has been agreed, but the money never appears I personally think she just avoids him on payday and hopes for the best, I told DH he needs to stop being such a pushover / mug and ask her to set up a standing order, or if not he needs to make an extra contribution to the bills /
food / consumables account to cover her stuff if he wants to let her live like this.

I do despair sometimes, I really do. I think it's made the situation even worse knowing that she's been asked to contribute several times and even worse is he doesn't pull her up about it when she doesn't! I don't actually blame her really, what 19 would pay out if they can avoid it?!

@MeridianB

Sorry if I have missed it, OP, but have you spoken to your husband about his DSD contributing and helping?

I agree with all the PPs that it sounds like she’s ‘treating the place like a hotel’. And you definitely need to get this fixed before any discussion about the 22 yo moving in.

Do neither spend any time at their mums?

Any chance they could think about a flatshare together?

No they don't really bother with their mum that much which is a shame, i mean they talk on the phone and text etc but never really make an effort to see her I don't think there's a major backstory or anything I just think they are both wrapped up in their own lives to bother, which I guess is pretty standard for people their age

From a selfish point of view I'd love if she did, as that might mean we get a weekend/evening to ourselves once in a while! But I highly doubt it'll happen anytime soon.

Sorry meant to add, a flatshare would be a great idea, they could easily afford it between them, however is suspect they current status of living with no bills & everything paid for is too tempting to even consider that

If you talk to DH about the financials with the 2 of them living with you, and float the idea of the flat share, he might bite. You could sweeten the deal by filling their freezer with batch cooked yumminess from time to time!

Or maybe they can drop in a couple of times a week for a family meal? Depends whether he values holding them close over encouraging burgeoning independence.

I wouldn't be happy with £40 unless that didn't include food or her toiletries.

My adult daughter lived at home untill age 24 without contributing,it’s was her home ,why shouldn’t she ?
So did her brothers ?
I doubt when your son is 19 you will feel the same .
Maybe ask her to contribute £50 a week towards her food ,and ask for her to do some housework as well.
Then make sure you do the same with your son when he is 19

@Summersnake

My adult daughter lived at home untill age 24 without contributing,it’s was her home ,why shouldn’t she ? So did her brothers ? I doubt when your son is 19 you will feel the same . Maybe ask her to contribute £50 a week towards her food ,and ask for her to do some housework as well. Then make sure you do the same with your son when he is 19

I'd definitely want my son to contribute when he is 19 if he's earning a wage - it's the way I was brought up, I paid "keep" as soon as I was earning. Probably didn't like it but it's the right thing to do in my opinion.

He's only 3 and I already have him sweeping up, helping with dishes and little bits like that so there's no slacking there

Perhaps you could suggest your SD pays however much a week and you have half for expenses and the other half goes in a savings pot for her (without her knowing). Maybe her dad would be more up for it if it was also saving for her future?