Living with Adult Stepkids

[blueskies78]

Long time lurker first time poster who would appreciate honest opinions on this please...

DSD who is 19 came to live with us back in Jan 21 so just over a year ago. We get on, always have done (I've been in her life since she was 14) but recently I'm really starting to get annoyed with the living situation. DSD works full time & is on what I would consider decent money for her age yet in the year she's been here has not contributed anything to the household - I mean literally nothing. No keep, no contribution to any of the bills, no food shop, not even a pint of milk. If anything runs out (milk, loo roll, washing powder etc) she'll just leave the empties and wait for it to be replaced. I've learnt to hide nice treats I've bought for myself or my more expensive toiletries as they just get used up too, which feels really petty but After a year it's really starting to grind me down, and it's such a shame as we do have a nice relationship (not a stepmother one as such but she'll come to me for chats / advice rather than her dad etc)

For context, we (me and DH) both work full time, we aren't particularly well off nor do we massively struggle but some help with bills etc would be great, especially given how much stuff is increasing, and the extra cost of another person in the house. I think it irks me too how it's not even like she's saving for her own place or a car she's literally blowing all her money on going out Friday and Saturday nights, then relying on everything else to be provided for her until the following weeks pay, before doing the same again. It's hard not to be annoyed seeing the weekly Facebook posts of her out in expensive restaurant and bars whilst we're trying to budget meal plans for the week.

Reading that back I've not painted a great picture of her, but she is a genuinely nice girl, apart from the above and the standard messy / laziness of a teen who doesn't like to tidy up, but we have a 3 year old who adores her and she's brilliant with him. I think she's just become a bit self centred and selfish without realising maybe. I've tried to bring it up with DH in the past, and he's kind of brushed over it in a "yeah you're right she should be contributing I'll speak to her" kind of way but nothing ever gets done. So I need to speak to him again but I'd like to know other opinions on this? Or if anyone else has been in the same situation

Im asking this now as DSS who is 22 has started making noises about wanting to move in too, which we can (just) manage space wise but i don't want to get into the situation of another adult who is on a full time wage expecting to live for free whilst we end up paying even more out.

She should be contributing, no question!

My own DS is 17 and he has no plans for uni/college. I might give him the first month or two to splash out, but after that, he will absolutely be contributing, and his dad has told him the same (for my house, as the RP)

Keep hiding your treats, and if DH won't settle it, tell him you expect HIM to contribute more to the household bills in place of her, but you won't be.

Oh blimey don't let the other one move in as well!

You need to both sit down with her and have a serious discussion about living in the family home as an adult and contributing both financially and on a practical level!

I would be asking for a contribution towards rent, food, bills. Even if it's like £100 a month. This will actually help her manage her finances better in the long run. She needs to learn she needs to budget for nights out and not just blow it all.
I would begrudge this too if any child; whether it's step or my own. They should be treated like adults and therefore adults need to start paying their way. As long as you don't start splitting everything and just ask for a contribution then I can't see anyone objecting 🤷🏻‍♀️

She doesn’t get it. Talk to her and ask for at least £50 a week.

Don’t let the DB move in until It’s fixed, if at all.

Thank you. It's good to see I'm not being unreasonable asking for a contribution. It's quite difficult for me to understand sometimes as I've only got DS3 who is obviously years off me having to consider what I'd charge him and I also was off living on my own at her age managing my own bills etc. It's likely that it's just become the norm for her just to assume she's got a free ride at home. Doesn't stop me from getting annoyed at coming home from work at 8.30pm for her to ask "what's for tea?" though

I'll speak to DH later and try make him see it's best all round if she starts to make some kind of a contribution

Yeah I would ask for 100 a month towards bills as well! It's not gonna cover everything but more of a gesture.

£100 will just help cover the fact she runs a full bath every single night I think! 😂 but it's deffo a step in the right direction, as much as I think we need a bit of help towards stuff financially I also don't want to end up resenting her which I feel like I'm starting to do, which isn't good at all.

I don't think parents that don't expect their children to contribute to family life/finances are doing the children any favours. My 3 DDS do laundry and cook one night each and have done since 13. Once working full-time they are expected to contribute financially too.

I think expecting her to have spontaneously suggested contributing is highly optimistic. If you've asked and she's refused that's another story.

Also not all people agree with charging adult children to live at home. I do and the majority of posters here seem to but your DH might not so you need to sit him down and both come to an agreement.

You won't be helping her by not insisting she contributes financially and practically too (housework, cooking, laundry, etc). She won't survive five minutes when she leaves home if she doesn't learn as early as possible.

You'll have to explain this to her dad and then sit her down and tell her what will be happening and how much she needs to contribute. Set the amount higher rather than a token gesture of £50 a week or whatever. You can always sell it to her that you'll save half of what she gives you towards a deposit/driving lessons/whatever but you can't expect a grown adult who is working not to contribute. She's the equivalent of a cock lodger.

If she doesn't like it, well, she knows where the door is.

I really do agree, that's how I was brought up - the minute I was earning I made a contribution to the household, and in the future I would expect the same of my son. But it just feels a bit tricker with DSD, DH is really laid back (and being completely honest a push over when it comes to his kids) but I just don't think it's doing her any good, just basically working to go blow it on the weekend and then let everyone else provide stuff for her, there's no concept of budgeting or idea of how much life actually costs.

You say you get on well so either you and or dad just ask her for a contribution. It's fair and a sensible thing to do. Famalies pull together and as young people we learn that loo roll isn't delivered by the loo roll elves.

I asked mine what they thought was reasonable, their figure was higher than mine.

Similar situation from this summer, dsd moved in last year when her mum sold her house, we didn't get a choice (but she's lovely to be around so really not an issue). She leaves university this coming summer and we have said that we won't charge rent per se but she will be expected to cook twice a week (buying the ingredients) and take turns paying when we are out (she always is quick to grab her coat if we say we are going to the pub!) she'll obviously be 100% responsible for her mobile, subscriptions and car which her dad currently pays for too. It will be cheaper than paying for her at university

I would suggest to her she pays X per month and then if you don't need the money put it (or half) in a savings account for her and save it for a future house deposit or something similar. I can see how it's annoying if she's drinking her earnings each week in the pub however I would be trying to help her get into good habits. In half the country it's almost impossible to get on the property ladder however you can help her get in the savings habit now which might help longer term.

@blueskies78

£100 will just help cover the fact she runs a full bath every single night I think! 😂 but it's deffo a step in the right direction, as much as I think we need a bit of help towards stuff financially I also don't want to end up resenting her which I feel like I'm starting to do, which isn't good at all.

As PP have said, but I was asked to contribute the amount me moving back there, caused the bills to go up. After a few months it was laid out to me - "water has gone up £40 a month" "Food shopping £20" etc. it also made me more mindful as I was 100% the teen who would run a boredom bath every night without thinking of the consequences. As soon as I knew the less water I used, the less I'd have to pay - it quickly made me think!

3 adults makes a great opportunity for a rota and some time offf for you and dh!!
My adult dc's visit weekly and take turns cooking for 4 adults and 4 dc!! Adult dc living here always paid board.

I'd say a fixed price for bills. But I'd say she buys and cooks her own food. And buys her own toiletries etc. she has to learn the value of money.
And I hope you don't do her washing

@blueskies78

£100 will just help cover the fact she runs a full bath every single night I think! 😂 but it's deffo a step in the right direction, as much as I think we need a bit of help towards stuff financially I also don't want to end up resenting her which I feel like I'm starting to do, which isn't good at all.

Someone needs to have words with her about that

Are they moving in with you as their mum is fed up with them living for free and not contributing in anyway?

@toomuchlaundry

Are they moving in with you as their mum is fed up with them living for free and not contributing in anyway?

I do wonder if this is the case to be honest. Their mum is lovely, but you can definitely tell she'd be a lot stricter than DH, and there's no way she'd stand for them earning a full wage and not contributing anything.

@forrestgreen

I'd say a fixed price for bills. But I'd say she buys and cooks her own food. And buys her own toiletries etc. she has to learn the value of money. And I hope you don't do her washing

Even just buying her own food would be a start. Instead she just expects all food to be bought for her, it's quite infuriating at times. She's never bought a single food item say apart from chocolate / snacks for herself since she's lived here. DH works shifts and I can work long hours at times so we don't really have "family meal" type tea often, obviously when I do cook them I make enough for DSD but the rest of the time during the week I'll have a stash of jacket potatoes / ready meal type things which she'll happily just help herself to without ever actually buying anything herself

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

3 adults makes a great opportunity for a rota and some time offf for you and dh!! My adult dc's visit weekly and take turns cooking for 4 adults and 4 dc!! Adult dc living here always paid board.

I would love this. Alas I don't think it will happen any time soon, there's no effort on her part to make anything, I've offered a few times to show her the basics etc but she's never interested, which is a shame

Is DSS going to want a free year or however long she's had too? If so she needs to start paying her way pronto.

My working DS2 on good salary pays me 250pm, I reckon that just about covers his share of food and energy. He will also buy milk/bread etc if we run out, and the occasional takeaway for the household. He considers he has a very good deal, which is enabling him to save.
If he wasn't saving most of the rest of his money towards a deposit, I would be charging. him more...there's not a rent or council tax element in what he pays.
I actually think I should be charging him more, he earns more than I do.
So I do think your SD should be contributing. I would suggest that you work out her share of bills, and start from there.. you may want to adjust up or down depending on helpfulness/chores etc. Certainly explain that she needs to pull her weight or pay for a cleaner, but that you and her Dad shouldn't have to be picking up after her. Maybe suggest she cooks a couple of times a week for the whole family.
If you don't say anything, she is not going to offer, and it needs to be pointed out that it is an issue. Maybe this is best coming from her Dad.

Tbh if your dh won't address it then tell him he needs to pay an extra £200 per month into the bills account