Feeling trapped everywhere I turn

[Belladon]

First time poster but long time lurker and finally driven to seek advice. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.
Married to dh 4 years (together 8). I have two dd's, one 21 and at uni and the other 16 and at home. Both great girls and little bother. Exh is 'difficult' but we have co parented well until recently. He has three primary aged dc with his dw and now has no interest in sticking to a set access arrangement for dd 2. This I get as she is 16 however he has taken to making plans without discussing with either dd or I so a lot of my weekend plans and hers tend to get upended and she's pretty fed up with him at this stage.
Dh has three boys. The eldest is 22 and is at uni but has developed mental health problems in the last year. He has seen professionals but refuses to take any advice towards helping himself. Dh is on the ball with him but can't quite get to what exactly his issues are as he's an adult and obviously neither gp nor psychiatrist will talk to him. So, he can only go on what ds will choose to tell him. Ds is in uni but spends a lot of time coming home to dm during the week.
Ds 2 is doing A Levels and ds3 will be doing GCSE's next year. We tried blending at weekends but it didn't work. Nothing awful happened but all dc were unhappy. There were just too many people in the house with too many differing needs. Dh now stays in a rental near where his exw lives when he sees his dc. Exw has also seemed to have developed MH issues but refuses to engage with dh. Dc however report that she has put on tonnes of weight (not an issue in itself but it's affecting her and their quality of life). She no longer goes upstairs in the house, barely cooks and rarely leaves the house. Dh is obviously very concerned and has been spending more and more time with dc due to worries about her, his ds and the fact that my dd is with me 95% of the time due to the behaviour of my exh.
Dh and I no longer have any time together (quality or otherwise) due to circumstances with both exes and are now facing into having to live apart. Dh thinks this would resolve itself once his youngest is 18 but I know from nieces and nephews that it will take much longer than that and I also think his ds1 is going to end up being totally dependent unless someone can convince him to tackle his MH properly. His dc do not want to live with us and in all honestly I don't think my dd would cope with having her space upended by his three and she doesn't want to live with her dad.
I'm tearing my hair out and feel like I have no control over my life or relationship. I know some of this is just parenting but every single week brings a fresh drama. I have tried to nacho but it doesn't work as dh is affected and then I'm affected which is why we're considering living apart. I do feel if we do this it's only a matter of time before our marriage ends as neither ex wants to help in any way and none of the dc want to mix. I'm desperately unhappy and don't know what way to turn.
Please don't say I knew what I was getting into because all these problems have occurred gradually over time and were not there in any obvious way at the start.
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been through similar.

I think you have to play the long game here and live apart for a couple of years until things get sorted out. The alternative would be worse, I think.

@HollowTalk I know you are right but I think there will be nothing left of 'Us' in a few years.

Yeah I agree - live apart but still date, there’s no reason why this should destroy your relationship.

(X)DP and I never moved in together even after 9 years as we didn’t want our DCs to have to ‘blend’. It’s not fair on them. We spent a few nights a week together - sometimes he’d stay over if his DCs Nan was available to stay with them. Or sometimes he’d spend the evening and go home late. We’d meet for lunch and hang out on a weekend when his DCs were with friends etc. as yours are all old enough to entertain themselves you don’t need to worry about babysitters and can easily put in a couple of evenings a week together, plus bits in between - maybe dinner all together - without having as big an impact as moving all the DCs into one home. And then you also get plenty of time to be a present parent and for the DCs to have their own space.

The issue with all that @RoyKentsChestHair is that his ds1's MH issues means he has no friends and only socialises with his brothers and dh. I'm not trying to be judgmental but his dc are incredibly needy in a way mine have never been. None of them have ever had a job, travelled alone etc. I really cannot see that if they move in with him ft that he will have any time for our marriage.
I agree with your suggestion but given his dc I cannot see how it would be viable.
I guess I'm just feeling under immense pressure at my end too. I get minimal maintenance from exh and work ft. My dd's have a good relationship with their dad but I am their emotional, physical and financial support.
I'm just feeling very overwhelmed.

Firstly, rid yourself of any possible "you knew what you were getting yourself into" utter shite.

This is very little to do with a blended family, and a lot to do with the individuals concerned, irrespective of who each individual's biological parent is.

You have an adult DS who has failing mental health, but won't seek help. There is nothing you can do. I'm by no means saying wash your hands of the guy, but realistically, you've got as much influence on his medical situation, as you have your next door neighbour. So ask yourself, ask DH, how much of your life will be spent on trying to assist and adult who refuses to be assisted. It's shit. But you can spend the next ten years running yourself into the ground, to achieve the same result as if you had resigned that he will make his own decisions, now.

Your exH is too preoccupied with his new younger family, has little time for eldest DD, and her plans are continually upended. She's fed up with him. Stop sending her. Stop making her available at the last moment because he's too busy with his priorities and she has to be crammed in at his convenience as an after thought. Let him sort that out. It's not for you both to live your lives around his last minute plans. Children need structure. Plans are made a fortnight in advance from now on.

Your real issue is that fact that (and I can't tell which is the more driving factor here) you and DD don't want his boys at the house, or the boys don't want to come. This is your big problem, and why you have no time with DH...he literally moves out for chunks of time because his children don't come to his home.

"It's a bit cramped" doesn't really cut it. It sounds like you and DD don't particularly enjoy them being there, and so they've kind of been phased out of their dad's home.

So, either, you and your daughter get over the fact he has children who equally need to feel welcome and be accommodated in their parent's home, or carry on with them "at bay" and you can see where this is heading...

@ReadySteadyTwins all good points but it's primarily his dc who didn't want to come here. Dh himself says this. At their dm's they had their own rooms, an Xbox/ps each, no bed times or tv curbs. With us they had to share (lots of things and have some basic house rules. The disparity between ours and their dm's was (to them) huge and they were unhappy. They also missed their friends. Dh felt his time with them was being compromised hence the separate property.

Get a pen and paper and do a sliding doors scenario for whether you stay together or whether you live separately. Be brutal and put down all the advantages and disadvantages. Look at10 years ahead. Your daughters will be independent then. It's very very likely that he will still be living with his children in exactly the same situation that he's in now. As a previous poster said, you have as much impact on his son's recovery as you would on your next door neighbour's.

So his kids don't like coming because they don't get a separate bedroom and Xbox each?!

And rather than tell his children to get a fucking grip on life, he's rented another property to pander to that?

Jeez.

@HollowTalk good suggestion. I will do that and you've put a voice to my main concern. I can see that my dd's will move on but I don't think his dc will. I know I can't control the future but I'm so anxious that if we live apart we will never live together again. I have no wish to sort his ds out but dh goes softly, softly with him as he's so scared he'll harm himself even though that's never been flagged as far as I know.
@ReadySteadyTwins I don't really think he pandered. They were all teenagers and were just used to living a certain way. It's not how I parent but I could see that for them the shift in living conditions was a lot. It was also a lot for my dd's having to share TVs etc. but mine had their friends and social lives so it wasn't quite as impactful for them.

@ReadySteadyTwins
Just as the OP's daughter does not want all of those additional people crowding her space, it is reasonable that his 3 children do not want to leave a comfortable space to be crowded into a smaller less comfortable space.

OP, this living apart , rather than being the thing that ends your relationship, may be the very thing that saves your relationship. Your feelings for each other aren't tied to proximity hopefully but to more substantive feelings. If your resources allow you to comfortably maintain 2 residences , you may each find that the time spent together becomes more enjoyable and that you appreciate the reduction in sress.

There is no reason not to structure your life in the way that best suits the people involved. The notion that there is only one way to structure the living arrangement in a happy marriage is pretty arcahic.

When some of the kids are out of the household or are a bit more mature, then living together may be the more reasonable alternative at that time. In the interim, you have the freedom to try this alternative.

It seems odd that you have to separate due to having 2 children (as the others are adults)
Surely the adults can visit you as and when they want?
As for the one with mh issues it’s not yours or dh responsibility as he is an adult and can access support, the fact this is a recent thing likely means with the right support and medication it can be handled.

Ex’s are neither of your concerns. Leave them to it.

I would say the two ds at home have to come to yours every other weekend (or whatever the arrangements are) so what if they have to share? Buy a tv and Xbox (cheaper than a second bloody house) and tell them (and dd) to deal with it like so many people have to deal with things that aren’t perfect.

@Tattler2 I absolutely agree with you in theory. What worries me is that it looks, moving forward, like I will have very little free time away from my youngest dd and dh will have very little time away from his ds's. I'm really struggling to see how we can fit 'Us' in when my dd doesn't want to go to her dads and his exw & ds1 are struggling so much with basic functionality.

Why can’t dd be home on her own while you and DH go for dinner or get a takeaway and watch tv when she’s in bed. Or is it that you want to have rampant animal sex and are scared of making too much noise?

@Chichimcgee his ds1 is refusing to access anything and nothing dh says gets through. If his youngest ds comes to us the other two will have to come too. Ds1 can barely feed himself properly and ds2 is studying for A levels and is cooking all his own meals etc. as their dm seems to be barely functioning.
I actually have huge amounts of sympathy for them but I also have to think of my dd who does not need these issues in her space on a daily basis.
I can leave my exh to it but dh cannot leave his exw to it as the situation is bordering on neglect.

Sorry I don't understand why you can't have time away from your DD - she is 16? Hardly needing constant supervision, surely she can be left for days/nights out, even depending on how responsible overnight? My DSS hardly spends any time with us now (though we have a very loving & positive relationship), he is with his girlfriend, his mates, college friends, doing his hobbies, at work etc.

@Benjaminsniddlegrass what I mean is that she is in the house ft now, which is fine. Yes of course I can go out etc. but alone time with dh is severely limited. I cannot afford nights away regularly.
It's hard to explain but as a couple with no shared dc it's hard to always be in the company of the other persons children without any stretch of alone time and I think dh is so concerned about his own dc that he's finding it hard to relax around mine. It feels a little like my 'normal' relationship with my dc is throwing the issues at his end into sharp relief. I'm not sure if I'm explaining that well enough.
looking back though the thread I think I can see that I just needed to get my thoughts in order. The situation is pretty hopeless and all I can do is proceed with getting my dd through school and leave dh to do whatever he feels is best. I do think that I need to make contingency plans however as I feel this marriage will just splutter out.

OP, why can't your husband come to you on weekends? He can leave prepared food for the sons to microwave, and his presence or absence does not seem to be effecting the eldest son' s compliance been with any kind of medical treatment.

What will probably help you most is the agreement not to spend time discussing your stressors when you are together? You will have ample time when you are apart to discuss these issues.

his ds1 is refusing to access anything and nothing dh says gets through.

But he is an adult. You’re DH can’t physically drag him to get help and enabling him isn’t going to help either.
If it’s bordering on neglect why isn’t social services involved with the youngest?

Why would it be on a daily basis? Are the 3 boys moving in with DH?

I think you both need to realise and accept that the adult DC should be responsible for themselves. The younger ones need to accept that for the next couple of years they have to sacrifice and accept that every other weekend they’ll be sharing a house. It’s what millions of other blended families do.

@Chichimcgee I do realise adult children should be responsible for themselves but it's very hard to distance yourself from a child with MH issues as they are still your child. You don't stop worrying about them just because they reach a certain age milestone.
It would be a daily basis for the youngest and the eldest as the eldest barely stays in his college digs and is up to his dm's or dh's rental during the week and every weekend. Dh has just spoken to me tonight and he's worried sick about him as he seems to be getting more and more introverted.
The youngest is 15 so no need for social services but from what dh can gather in the last few months exw has stopped engaging with them and they are basically looking after themselves. Exw doesn't work & according to the dc she just watches tv all day, is not up when they go to school and goes to bed at 8pm. They order online and there's always food in the house but she just seems to have stopped engaging with them which is why dh wants to have them live with him.

Sorry. There are so many strands to this and so many unhappy people involved that it's a hard situation to describe accurately.

OP

I think that you're right in your OP.
You need to try and detach emotionally.
Not sure how tight things are financially, but can you find therapy for yourself?

OP, I can totally relate to this. I have found that peace only comes with doing what’s best for yourself and your dc and leave DH to do the same. I live separately from my OH (relationship 6 years). We have four aged 16,17,18 and 20 and there are still years of compromising and parenting to do…

You can’t do all the thinking for everyone. You just can’t.