SC + SC extra curricular + DH going out = too much?

[Notwithittoday]

Could have asked this in AIBU but thought I might get a step parenting perspective.
DH works quite long hours. I work part time as a childminder so we don’t have to use childcare ( no family close by). I’m home all day with our toddler and have a school age child. DH has two from previous relationship who are with us fifty percent. DH does all the travel to pick SC up who live about 40 mins away as their mum works so he picks up from school. The SC also have extra curricular activities on a Monday night and all of Sunday morning which he stays for as it’s in their area with school friends so this amounts to me not seeing him until 8 pm on Monday night and then he’s gone from 8 am until 12 pm Sunday morning. Our DS also has an extra curricular but it’s a drop off and I do it. This all adds up to me being alone a lot with our DC. I appreciate that he’s a good dad and he’s tired from all the to and fro plus work but he also does a hobby one afternoon and one evening a week. Realise this isn’t a lot for most people and I sound awful saying he can’t have some time to himself when he works really hard but I feel like given his work and child commitments it’s a bit unfair to me and he should be doing a hobby a couple of times a month rather than twice a week. Any thoughts?

Does you joint child ever get time alone with his dad? If not, why not? I would approach a discussion from this angle rather than complaining about the time he spends on his hobby.

Not a lot. He does bedtimes and reading on the nights he is here and sc are not.

If DH has 3 kids he needs to spend time with all 3 of them. Really he should be doing 50/50 with your kid in terms of time spent doing hobbies etc with them but I appreciate with his 2 others there isn't the same time available.

I hear you and feel your pain, similar situation here and it's been a bone of contention but I just suck it up now

@Notwithittoday

Not a lot. He does bedtimes and reading on the nights he is here and sc are not.

That's really shit. Your poor DC is going to end up feeling like their dad isn't interested if DSC are around

I can see why you're feeling neglected but I'm afraid you're going to have to suck it up as you knew he had children from a previous relationships and certainly don't want to reduce his time with sc but I do feel sorry for your shared dc. Could he go with dad on the Monday night or Sunday morning and they go out for something to eat or do something together whilst waiting for sc to finish?

you're going to have to suck it up as you knew he had children from a previous relationships so did he when he decided to have another. He should have thought about how he would spend time with them all not just focus on the ones who were there first.

Oh the old ‘you knew what you were getting into…’ Never heard that before or considered it
DH is involved in the activity himself now and committed to it so no he can’t take DC with him

@lechatnoir

I can see why you're feeling neglected but I'm afraid you're going to have to suck it up as you knew he had children from a previous relationships and certainly don't want to reduce his time with sc but I do feel sorry for your shared dc. Could he go with dad on the Monday night or Sunday morning and they go out for something to eat or do something together whilst waiting for sc to finish?

This is such a rubbish response that's always given on here! So when he chose to gave more DCs, should he not have considered that he would need to start spreading his time equally amongst his DCs? Would a dad spend more time with firstborn DCs with the same mum as they were there first?

@Notwithittoday

Oh the old ‘you knew what you were getting into…’ Never heard that before or considered it DH is involved in the activity himself now and committed to it so no he can’t take DC with him

Is there a bingo card? I mean seriously its an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

OP, your husband has worked out a system that allows him to work and provide for all of his children, he spends time with all of his children (your son will likely only feel slighted, if you begin to suggest that he is being slighted ,at the moment his a!one time with dad is bed time on certain nights).

Your husband has arranged me time for himself through is hobby time.

Your problem is not a parent or step parent problem Your problem is a relationship problem it would appear that your relationship has reached a stage where he no longer desires or feels a need for any more alone time with you than he is currently experiencing. It could be that he is comfortable with things as they stand It could be that he no longer feels a need to nurture and grow your personal relationship. That is not a child or time problem ; that is a relationship problem and requires an explanation of the interpersonal relationship that exist between the 2 of you

Men and women make time to do the things that interest them He is making time for his work, his children, and himself He is not making time for you That is the question that you should be exploring. In the interim, maybe you should be developing a " me time " interest of your own. It may be that you are the only member of the household who is not growing and developing as a person in their own right.

You might also suggest couples counseling for the 2 of you. That would create a time and experience where you are together and the focus is solely on the 2 of you.

@Tattler2 think a lot of women lose their identity a bit and don’t do a lot of personal growth when they become mothers. I actually did have a decent career prior to having DC but it became very unmanageable.
So basically what you’re saying is I’ve become a boring certainty in his life? I don’t think we’ve quite reached that state but I get what you’re saying. He’s still romantic and cooks us meals. He does want to get babysitters so we can have date nights. We’ve managed this a couple of times but I find it a bit stressful leaving the kids probably because I’m on my own such a lot with them.

So he works hard. Parents his other DC 50% of the time. Aside from the Monday night and night of his hobby, he is back for the evening/ bedtimes? So essentially 5 nights a week.

Then on the weekend he has a commitment that takes him out for half a day, leaving 1 1/2 days free. So he is ‘free/ around’ 5 nights a week and 1 1/2 days on the weekend?

Have a I got that right?

OP, your added information indicates that he suggests and tries to plan alone adult time activities for the 3 of you, but you are uncomfortable leaving the kids with a sitter. It seems as though you may be creating your own discomfort.

I am not sure exactly what more you want from this man. It does not sound as though he would object to your engaging a sitter to give you some occasional free time. On the one hand you suggest that you are having to spend all of your time alone with the kids, but at the same time you say that you are not comfortable leaving them with a sitter. There are only so many possible solutions and you seem to rebuff all of them.

Correction :for the 2 of you

Depending on age of SC, i would be looking long term at school location and exploring options for when they move to secondary, attending a school which is equidistant from both parents. The 40 min trip for pickup sounds like a drain on time to me.

What does the week actually look like? It’s hard to get a sense of how much time he’s actually spending with his youngest child (and how much time you are spending with your child alone).

I’m trying to work out if he is acting like the time he doesn’t have the SC is his ‘free time’ to do what he likes with because he sees you as responsible for your shared DC.

That’s not necessarily uncommon in NRPs who also have resident children, alas. It can be as if they see themselves as ‘part time parents’ and overgeneralise that to the children they actually live with all the time too.

To be honest he sounds like he is doing an incredible balancing act but it maybe a little rejigging.

@sassbott he’s out basically two evenings one until about 11pm ( comes home for tea and put SC to bed then out to his hobby at 7:30) and one until about 8pm. Another night in the week he works late so that he can do all his paperwork in order to leave early other nights to pick up SC. At weekends he’s out both days until 1pm or 2pm ( one for hobby snd one for SC).

@BurntToastAgain that’s kind of what I feel like. It’s a given that I’m here so he’s free to arrange to do what he likes. Like last week I’d arranged to have my ears syringed ( tmi sorry) on Saturday afternoon thinking he’d be back and I could actually leave the house without children but he’d agreed to take the SC to an extra tournament in the afternoon

It might be that is the root of the problem. He’s organised his life around the SC (and somehow that counts as ‘an amazing balancing act’ because he’s a man) and then sees the rest of the time as ‘his’.

But you end up with all the responsibility for the shared child and no time for you. And he fits his youngest child in when he’s home but hasn’t got more important bedtimes to do.

It’s, sadly, a common tale in some second families. And really not very fair.

He’s the one with resident and nonresident children. And a job to work around that. Yes that probably does mean he really doesn’t have much time left to do his hobbies. That is parenthood (unless, it seems, you’re a man; then people act like you’re a hero for doing pretty much anything).

OP I didn't get what your post was about until you explained the ear syringing.

You need to sit down with your DP and tell him it is not enough that he reads to your joint DC and puts them to bed. He needs to spend proper time with your joint DC on his own or with your toddler's older half-siblings.

It may mean for example that that time includes your toddler going and hanging around on the side lines while the SC, the toddler's half-siblings, do their hobby on the weekend. I've seen toddlers have to do that regardless of the family make up. (As toddlers are cute they get attention from other people. )

However it means as soon as the toddler gets old enough to join a group they do the same hobby as the older kids. In quite a few cases they are better at it than the older ones and in a couple of cases much much better.

Have you considered getting a couples calendar or an "me you and them" calendar? It's really helpful for things like your ear appointment. Whoever gets it on the calendar first gets first dibs but you do both have to be a bit flexible with it.

@YeOldePotato
The couples calendar sounds like a great idea and that combined with couples counseling could probably be very beneficial to this particular couple. Once people begin to believe that there time is not respected or valued and quite possibly with both feeling that they are carrying a greater share of the responsibility nothing good follows that.

The calendar is a good idea. It’s been something I’ve been meaning to do for a while. I did a paper version but it didn’t really take off. One on his phone might help