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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Covid & Contact

65 replies

alwayswrighty · 03/02/2022 19:19

DHs ex has tested positive on Monday via lft and subsequent pcr. We are due to have DSS this weekend but I've a chronic illness and mil (who we normally visit) has several health issues that could complicate if she gets covid.

Are we unreasonable if we tell ex we can't have DSS this weekend and make up for it elsewhere.

DSS is 7 and would understand. I feel like an arsehole but dh can't work if he gets covid as he works with vulnerable adults and we can't afford for him not to be working.

OP posts:
YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 14:01

@ProfessorInkling

It’s not a visiting schedule, it’s his home too, isn’t it?

I’d have DSD in the same circs. You can catch covid anywhere, anytime. I wouldn’t keep a stepchild away from me anymore than my own children. And I’d want the other parent to be able to rest!

If the other parent was bed ridden and struggling then yes you have a point. If not then the other parent can help out by taking washing dropping off shopping etc. No need to risk people dying.
AskingforaBaskin · 04/02/2022 14:01

How unwell is mum?
When I had Covid recently I would not have been for to care for my children solely.

He has responsibilities for his child and if mum is really unwell then he has not choice but to step in and care for him above you and MiL

YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 14:02

@AskingforaBaskin

How unwell is mum? When I had Covid recently I would not have been for to care for my children solely.

He has responsibilities for his child and if mum is really unwell then he has not choice but to step in and care for him above you and MiL

He could move in with them temporarily if mum can't cope maybe?
lovelovelove2 · 04/02/2022 14:11

What we have done is if Step child tests positive they will stay at whatever home they are at to try and not spread it to other house.

If someone in either house test positive child stays where they are to try and not spread it.

Soul11Soul · 04/02/2022 14:13

What is the point in co-parenting if you can't have each other's backs like this. Not everything needs to be about proving a point.

Maybe having each others back is taking up the childcare responsibilities whilst the child mother is poorly?

Op...only you and the other adults involved can decide what is reasonable in the actually circumstances you are all in. Ask the mum how she is feeling about it.

vivainsomnia · 04/02/2022 14:15

Why would you risk infecting an otherwise healthy household with COVID, just to uphold a visiting schedule??
You take that risk every week with children going to school.

I'm cev, we all manage to avoid it until last month. DS got it. It was scary, yet neither my OH or I caught it.

Original poster
alwayswrighty · 04/02/2022 14:16

@ChoiceMummy DH can't isolate next week, he can't work from home - he works with adults with disabilities. He has to LFT every day and PCR at least twice per week. If he gets covid he is on unpaid leave until he can return, which we can ill-afford after his redundancies.

I am probably overthinking this but I just worry about this situation for many reasons.

MIL is immunosuppressed, I am not (was on shielding list though).

I do have a conscience, and I would love to have him (we have baking planned and frankly he's a great kid) but it's not like I haven't suggested an alternative.

BTW I haven't said much to DH about this other than I'm not sure this is a good idea, mainly because I have been so careful to avoid it for all the families sake so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwayswrighty · 04/02/2022 14:25

To answer a few questions.

DSS Mum has said she has mild symptoms - very much mild cold like is able to look after herself and DSS.

DH has got to work, and he works with people who are vulnerable adults where all staff have to take LFTs and PCR's daily/twice per week and if they are positive they have to self isolate with no pay - which we cannot afford because he has been made redundant multiple times and we've used our savings supporting us.

We live too far from DSS school to do pick ups and drop offs, especially as we both work full time 12 hour days.

I don't need caring for, I just don't need to catch covid - neither does his Mum or it could kill her.

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective but I really don't see how DSS moving his normal weekend to maybe longer in the summer holidays or an extended weekend when we can (bank holiday or Friday after school if I can finish early) as a one off is a big deal.

OP posts:
tiredofthisshit21 · 04/02/2022 14:28

OP please don't listen to all the SM hating vipers - honestly, common sense goes out the window sometimes on these threads. Why on earth would you risk your husband not being able to work, or either of you getting ill? I'm so happy that my stepson has a sensible mum who supports the thinking that if either household has covid, he doesn't move between houses.

Inspectorslack · 04/02/2022 14:33

I don’t know j feel really conflicted.

What if his mum was losing money if he tested positive or couldn’t care for him?

I mean. Why does the RP have all the responsibility?

EATmum · 04/02/2022 14:34

The guidance for contacts is to stay at home when you can, and to stay away from people who are particularly vulnerable. It's not a legal requirement to isolate, but this week when my DD3 tested positive the rest of us reduced any unnecessary contact - which was really difficult as my mum is very unwell. However, one by one each other member of the household has now contracted it, and I'm really pleased that we contained things to this house only. Yes, your home is your SS's home also - but if there's an easy option for him to reduce risk to people who are vulnerable then it's a no brainer, surely.

aSofaNearYou · 04/02/2022 15:16

It is a personal choice and I understand why some would just have him anyway. But in your circumstances, I don't see anything wrong with delaying. But then I'm not of the mindset that switching weekends is in any way the end of the world.

Coffeepot72 · 04/02/2022 15:19

If a child lives across two homes, you have a built in 'quarantine' option, so I don't see that swapping weekends is a huge problem. As I've said before, why spread disease between households when you haven't got to?

Original poster
alwayswrighty · 04/02/2022 15:41

@Inspectorslack DSS Mum doesn't work, so no financial loss for her if DH tested positive, and I would do everything I humanly could to ensure she still received full child support from him even if he did lose money (which I did through the redundancies). If DSS tested positive here I'd also keep him here to ensure her household didn't get covid (if she wanted us too).

She doesn't have 'all the responsibility' but it is her that has tested positive, and he is living with her so in constant contact with her and is therefore more likely to contract it/be incubating it. If he had been with us we would definitely at least suggest he stay with us until he was clear.

OP posts:
YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 16:33

@vivainsomnia

Why would you risk infecting an otherwise healthy household with COVID, just to uphold a visiting schedule?? You take that risk every week with children going to school.

I'm cev, we all manage to avoid it until last month. DS got it. It was scary, yet neither my OH or I caught it.

You could have done though
YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 16:35

@alwayswrighty

To answer a few questions.

DSS Mum has said she has mild symptoms - very much mild cold like is able to look after herself and DSS.

DH has got to work, and he works with people who are vulnerable adults where all staff have to take LFTs and PCR's daily/twice per week and if they are positive they have to self isolate with no pay - which we cannot afford because he has been made redundant multiple times and we've used our savings supporting us.

We live too far from DSS school to do pick ups and drop offs, especially as we both work full time 12 hour days.

I don't need caring for, I just don't need to catch covid - neither does his Mum or it could kill her.

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective but I really don't see how DSS moving his normal weekend to maybe longer in the summer holidays or an extended weekend when we can (bank holiday or Friday after school if I can finish early) as a one off is a big deal.

It's really not. It's this causing issues with mum or DH? It's really hard when you're the stepmum as sometimes it feels like the parents focus on themselves and their child and forget you have a right to be safe in your own home.
YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 16:36

@Coffeepot72

If a child lives across two homes, you have a built in 'quarantine' option, so I don't see that swapping weekends is a huge problem. As I've said before, why spread disease between households when you haven't got to?
Exactly it's like one of the benefits of having two homes, the child doesn't have to risk both parents getting ill
YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 16:37

@aSofaNearYou

It is a personal choice and I understand why some would just have him anyway. But in your circumstances, I don't see anything wrong with delaying. But then I'm not of the mindset that switching weekends is in any way the end of the world.
I know right, my DH and his ex swap weekends all the time, usually with very little fuss.
sofakingcool · 04/02/2022 17:12

Could your DH take his DS out to play football or something? So he still sees him for a bit but not indoors?

Original poster
alwayswrighty · 04/02/2022 17:26

DSS only interest is gaming so not viable really, but good suggestion if he can persuade a walk and an outside cafe or something.

OP posts:
Penvelopey · 13/02/2022 21:59

Did it all go OK @alwayswrighty? We have mum insisting DSC come here even if we gave covid. We have just sent of for LFTs as we are close contacts. So that's going to be interesting. DH is trying to say no but keeps getting ranting texts.

Original poster
alwayswrighty · 14/02/2022 06:58

@Penvelopey DSS tested negative so DH collected him, even though I had my reservations. We didn't take him out like we usually do which he wasn't happy about but didn't want to risk anyone. None of us have tested positive thankfully, but DSS Mums still got it and we're due to have him next weekend, so I'm not sure how that'll pan out. Really cannot afford for DH to be off work, but clearly I'm unreasonable to think we shouldn't have him under these circumstances.

I mean, I know from month end things are supposed to be changing, but they aren't yet.

OP posts:
Penvelopey · 14/02/2022 07:05

@alwayswrighty nightmare isn't it. Glad you've so far managed to avoid it. We're pretty sure we've got it now so just waiting for the tests. Expecting her to drop the DSC off regardless leaving DH in a tricky position.

Rickrollme · 14/02/2022 07:12

@Coffeepot72

And here we go again - common sense goes out the window when a step child is involved. If the post had been "shall we defer my cousin's visit" then I suspect it would have been a unanimous yes .....

I have no idea why people think a visiting schedule overrides health.

Because it’s not a visit! Your analogy is completely irrelevant.
Original poster
alwayswrighty · 14/02/2022 07:30

@Penvelopey I'm more concerned about the strain it puts on my fil looking after mil when we can't go round to help, and currently the fact my dh can't work if he tests positive which means no income for however long he has to be off.

DSS Mum doesn't work, so her income is not affected by a dose of covid (and she is normally healthy - no underlying conditions).

OP posts: