Anyone had anything similar? SC & difficult exes

[Winginglife30plus]

So my DP has 2 DC, only the oldest isn’t his biologically, but he is Dad in every sense (loves DC to bits, pays maintenance, treats DC the same etc.) I also have my own DC.
My problem lies with how his ex treats this situation. She is constantly pointing out how is not really Dad and how he has no legal rights. She has stopped DC from coming to see him on a few occasions. Most recently a few days ago, DC broke a bone while with us, and his ex decided we don’t treat DC the same as the other 2 and said he can’t see DC again, cue my DP being sad, angry at himself etc, he apologised several times (it was a total accident, nothing could have prevented it etc). Then all of a sudden his ex does a u-turn and says DC can come again, so 2/3 days of sadness and beating himself up for no reason! I can’t helping thinking this is not good for the DC’s mental health, poor child mustn’t know what’s going on half the time (they are 10).
His ex is pregnant and is aware that I’m now unable to conceive naturally (2 ectopics in the last 2 years and no tubes left, currently saving for IVF) and is constantly bringing up the fact she’s pregnant when she messages him and detailing her labour plans etc. am I unreasonable to think she shouldn’t be bringing this up with him? (Not even like she’s asking him to have the DC just random messages about being induced and how fast she labours).
I feel like my head is going to explode and found this forum and wondered if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this? DP basically does what she’s wants most of the time as he’s so scared she will stop him seeing oldest DC. He has the DC at least 1 night after school and most weekends. I totally understand the DC are his world as they should be but I’m fed up of having to bow down to her commands all the time. Other than the issues with his ex we have a great relationship, he’s a brilliant dad and a loving and caring partner.

She sounds vile. Your dp has stepped up and been a dad to this child even though he isn't biologically his. But the ex seems to use this against him when it suits her while still keeping all of the benefits of the situation - maintenance, childcare etc.

It's probably all about control but it's totally unfair on your dp and the poor kid.

The pregnancy chat is inappropriate and unnecessary. Clearly another tactic to get at you but just don't react or engage. Your dp should only be talking to her about the children that concern him.

Unfortunately unless your dp is on the birth certificate which I'm assuming he isn't, he doesn't have parental rights and she can carry on playing these silly games. I suppose he could seek legal advice and no court would look favourably on the way she's behaving but I'm really not sure what they could actually do to stop it.

My advice, as hard as it sounds, would be to call her bluff. If she says he can no longer see the eldest then say ok that's fine I'm really gutted about it but as I have no rights there's nothing I can do to challenge you. I'm sure she'll soon change her tune when the maintenance and childcare stops. She is using her child for leverage and control and the only way to stop it is to stop playing into her hands. I feel so sad for the child involved but he obviously has a shit mum who cares more about herself than the well-being of her child.

No he’s not on the birth certificate. Yes that’s what happens she then changes her tune a few days later but makes it look like she’s doing an amazing gesture letting DP see the DC again.
DC often gets emotional and can’t tell us why they’re crying, I can’t help thinking of the effects this is having but don’t really know how I can try and help or change anything as we really have no control or rights.
Being a DM myself I can’t understand how anyone would use a child in their games.

Have you considered seeking advice from childrens services as it does sound like the kids are affected by it?

It's emotional abuse really. They should be in a routine not having contact withdrawn depending on her mood. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Does she do the same thing with the child that is biologically your partners? If so I would look at getting a court order in place and ask about the other child too. It would remove some of her control.

You can't spend your life trying to appease such an unreasonable person.

No I will look into that though, DP is reluctant to do anything to rock the boat as he’s terrified of her moving the kids away or something (her DP currently lives about 60 miles away and she brings up moving away every so often too).
She doesn’t do it with his biological child. She seems to think we treat the oldest different to our biological children, if anything I’m guilty of favouring the oldest because I feel awful for how they must be feeling. They are such a caring and loving child too and my DC adores them. She was super upset when I had to tell her she wouldn’t be seeing them anymore (obviously this isn’t the case now).

I doubt a judge would agree she holds all the cards. Children of The Family is a well regarded legal status.

He should seek legal advice.
Took me 4 years of fighting to keep my abusive ex away from MY dc as his legal time used this to his advantage..

God she sounds absolutely awful. Massively over stepping messaging your dp about her labour, not only is it her being overly familiar with him it’s also cruel given she knows about your difficulty conceiving. I’m so sorry op I don’t have any advice but she’s horrid, I’m sorry you have to deal with her.

She’s disgusting. She’s using the child against him because she knows he’s at a disadvantage legally.

At the same time she knows she would be cutting off her nose to spite her face if she stopped him from being dad. She wouldn’t have the physical support from him as the other parent, she wouldn’t have the maintenance, she would see her child upset and sad because he’s missing his daddy. So she won’t let him go that easily. She just wants to control him a bit first. She’s just scum.

Why is your DP telling you about her messages? Of course she is being nasty, but if he can't stand up to her on that one, the least he can do is shield you from the content.

What about your children? All of this drama and dysfunction is awful for them. I wouldn't tolerate this kind of environment.

Definitely will look at going down the legal route. Finances are not currently on our side, both working full time but also trying to save up for ivf (getting older so time is not on our side either). Thank you for the advice.

She sounds positively dangerous. Who knows what she’s putting into that poor kid’s head? I would think a chat to the safeguarding team at school might be a good idea. You’re being fleeced for maintenance and babysitting, and screwed around emotionally. Not cool.

Tbf I was sat next to him when she messaged, saw the massively long message and I asked what she wanted now. He doesn’t reply to messages like that. He keeps his side of the contact to just about arrangements regarding the children. She goes from being over familiar to then calling him names and saying he’s a rubbish dad etc.

I try and shield my DD as much as possible. I only told her about not seeing his oldest as I didn’t realise she would go back on it a few days after. My DD isn’t even aware that DP isn’t biologically dad. I am getting to the end of my tether but just at a loss as to what we can do, my DP obviously has a massive bond with the DC and unfortunately his ex holds all the power for that child. He did ask to legally adopt the child when they were together but she wouldn’t allow it.

Good idea thank you, I’ll approach that with DP

He can apply for PR. She won't necessarily have to agree it. A judge can still rule it.
Ime.

Ohh we need redwings boots blast I can't remember her username she's awesome with legal advice and the family court system.

Hopefully she will see this post and chime in.

Op I'm sorry your being held to ransom, I don't know what your legal position would be but this is child abuse on the ex's part and so unkind.

Don't get dragged into birth talk, if you can avoid it to protect your own heart. IVF is tough enough. Practically speaking how old is the eldest - does she have routed to communicate with you guys if mum stops contact, a phone not controlled by mum. Could you give her access to a bank account which you could keep open and fill with some money if contact is stopped but SC could use to come visit anyway like for taxis ect. This is all moot point if the eldest SC is young to young to travel independently ect.

This is so crap and I'm so bloody sorry for you guys.

His oldest is 10. They have a phone so can text DP etc but their mum has put a pin lock on it, only her and DC know it, when DC comes to us we’re not allowed to touch the phone or know the pin. I also don’t agree with this as I think when DC is in our care we should be able to monitor what they do for internet safety etc. the bank account is a good thing to keep in mind thank you!

It might be easier for the child if your DH just goes down the legal route but focusses just on his biological kids. As much as he might love that dc they aren’t biologically his - and these psychological games will harm all the kids long term.

He needs to press on with the legal route. If you plan on adding a new dc to the mix she will dig her heels in further I imagine. Not being the biological df won't go against him necessarily for a PR application.. Keep a diary op. Of when you do - and don't have both the dc. And all texts etc. Showing he is available and willing to be a df to both is important - as the court are in very regard of sibling relationships - even not whole siblings.. .. If his ex is dividing the dc up repeatedly she will be doing you a favour really. As awful as that sounds.

As for the phone, you can take the phone away from the DC when they are with you and allow contact at a fixed time only. (Ie Between 9am and 10am, and 4pm and 5pm) That is considered “Reasonable” by the courts.