SS is so disrespectful

[Poole206]

SS is 14, we used to get on well, I always do my best to include him etc etc etc

I had a friend over on the weekend, SS was so engaging and spoke respectfully to her but to me he talks to me like im trash. My friend actually even noticed this and commented to me.

Any tiny dispute i have with DH, SS will jump in and defend his dad even when he knows nothing about it just to be able to argue with me.

Yesterday he swore at me over the table, DH wasn't there.

It's honestly really making me not want to bother anymore with him. I feel like we sacrifice a-lot for him, for example we wont do anything "fun" on the weekend he is not over to save it for when he is here. Although he moans and makes it crappy anyway.

I know he is a teenager, but is that an excuse really? Manners cost nothing. Although it feels more than a manner problem its the respect or lack of.

Do I just leave him be and stop arranging plans around him? DH is quite oblivious and doesn't think there is a problem.

Teenagers are moody by nature but yes, manners cost nothing! Do you or your SO discipline him when he swears at you? Obviously I think there are degrees to swearing, but if my stepson cussed at me in my own bloody house there'd be hell to pay. You are a more patient person than I am!

If he is not at least appreciate of you trying to make his weekends fun then what is the point? I would say, yes, stop adapting everything to him and his moods.

Also, I'd strongly suggest having a regular fun date night away from stepkids. It really helps me and my SO remember life doesn't revolve solely around the kids.

Well, sounds like pretty much every teen at some point in their lives. DD2 is 18 and is still ranty and rude sometimes. Just pushing those boundaries. They do grow out of it.....

Important to present a united front with DH, and he must step in and remonstrate if you are spoken to disrespectfully, or sworn at, and make it crystal clear that he shouldn't speak to anyone like that.

@QuirkyTurtle

Teenagers are moody by nature but yes, manners cost nothing! Do you or your SO discipline him when he swears at you? Obviously I think there are degrees to swearing, but if my stepson cussed at me in my own bloody house there'd be hell to pay. You are a more patient person than I am!

If he is not at least appreciate of you trying to make his weekends fun then what is the point? I would say, yes, stop adapting everything to him and his moods.

Also, I'd strongly suggest having a regular fun date night away from stepkids. It really helps me and my SO remember life doesn't revolve solely around the kids.

I don't discipline now, DH (mildly) does when he hears. I feel it's tricky for me to because he isn't here all the time, so I don't want to ruin the mood by telling him off when he is.

Although in hindsight I should have and will start because that will play in to the lack of respect.

Dh tells off my LO however as he is here 24/7 it doesn't feel as bad, its more just normal parenting life.

I must admit it's different for me as my stepson is only 2.5 and he doesn't know a life without me, but I discipline him as much as his dad does (as much as you can tell a 2yo off), and will continue to do so. I'm sure it must be much harder when they are teenagers. However, it's your house, your life and your mental health. If you contribute to his life in any way, basic respect should be a given.

Ohhh fellow step mum to DSD who's a teen 13 going on 30, I'm not gonna lie to you. I actively have to remind myself that all teenagers tend to suck on various ways.
Each have their own quirks of suckiness so you have my sympathies .

How I would address the DSS jumping in to yours and DP arguments is to say really clearly " erm excuse me I'm talking/arguing with your dad, please can you badger off and let us finish the discussion" if he refuses I would be very flat and say to DH "I'm not talking about this anymore in front of the children as it's disrespectful for me and them" then don't be drawn, leave room if required. Stay deadly silent, use the word children. Teach dad and DSS a line has been crossed. One is a adult the other is a child.

Just because they are walking talking hormones that can look like adults they aren't and on some level need to be reminded of that, esp if it's a subject that maybe sensitive.

But you know honestly I would call DSS out on rude behaviour, doesn't have to be nasty, just what you would do if a adult was rude to you in real life, say DSS "well I think your a bitch" - "wow, please don't speak to me like that ever again in this house it's disrespectful and I thought better of you than that" then ignore.

Repeat and rinse and loop in DH. He should be aware of this stuff and the manner in which his son is speaking to females or about females in general.

But on the whole teenagers suck and you have my sympathies, and call out the really Uber rude stuff.

He will come out the other end ! (So people keep telling me at any rate x

It doesn't matter that he isn't there, you and DH should still be picking him up on bad manners.

Regardless of him being your SS, I wouldn’t allow anyone to swear or be rude to me without repercussions.
I have 2 SDs who are 17 and nearly 13, and although I do not discipline them, any time they have been directly rude to me I have made it very clear that it is not ok and I won’t tolerate it.

I wouldn’t for example “punish” them or discipline them, but I will firmly say “Do not talk to me like that” or even tell them that they’re being rude and I will not accept it. I find just calling out their rude behaviour consistently is enough to make them not direct it towards me (or my kids).

I can’t lie, they speak appallingly to their mum and dad but tend to be lovely to everyone else. It’s a boundary I fight hard to maintain and they know not to try it with me.

OP - just tell him off. This has nothing to do with step this is everything to do with a teen. My 14 yr old does the same.

My response - Thank you for your rudeness, either speak to me politely or don't bother to speak at all.
Usually gets a look of shame.

Likewise - when he is polite- I say - it is so much nicer when we don't argue ot be ruder to each other.

Then repeat repeat repeat.

usually get 48 hrs of niceness then repeat!

Do I just leave him be and stop arranging plans around him?

Yes! You never should have started arranging plans around him. Stop that immediately. Live your life when he's not there. No way would I be refusing to do anything until my SS was around, how ridiculous.

DH is quite oblivious and doesn't think there is a problem
Why is he oblivious? Why are you not telling him how is son is treating you when he is not around?

@SpongebobNoPants He is scared to rock the boat and SS will not want to come over. I have since told him i find it unacceptable and SS needs to be told. Hr basically said to him, try not to do that.

???? It infuriated me