Constantly feeling stressed

[Berrybear]

I have 2 DSC who live with us full time and 1DC who is just a baby. I'm lucky in that I have a good relationship with DSC and they love the baby however I have realised that I feel constantly on edge and stressed, even when nothing bad is actually happening or there is no conflict. My shoulders are constantly high and tense, I have frequent headaches and I constantly get twinges in my chest. I know there's a lot of stress from having a young baby but tonight I've realised that a big part of it is also inadvertently caused by DSC and our interactions, particularly DSC1 who is the oldest.

DSC1 is 10 and can be very demanding and whilst he can be a really kind and caring kid, he is also quite insecure but this can come out in the form of tantrums (for example tonight he had one outside tesco as his younger brother had seen some kids from his class who said hi to him when we were in the shop, but he didn't see anyone he knew), boasting and exaggerating and trying to impress (which also includes putting others and their ability down to highlight his own strengths) and he can be incredibly rude with the way he speaks at times. Sometimes he can be really thoughtful of others whilst at other times he can be very self-centred. If he has something he wants to tell you he will ignore if you are busy doing something else and just carry on talking. When I say talking this can literally be non-stop talking at you, telling you information he knows, how great he is at something such as a computer game but including every little detail about the game why he's so good at it and how bad everyone else he knows is, and can go on for a good solid couple of hours. He's not interested in a back and forth discussion and he will cut you off if you try to respond other than to agree. His dad can tell him to go and do something else at these times but I don't feel like I can. When he is following me around telling me something I will usually try to stop and listen but sometimes I have something I need to do or I'm settling the baby and I find it difficult to tell him I can't listen to his story then. When he does this to DP, DP can tell him just to go do something else and he'll listen to his story later because he's busy now, and he can be quite firm with him about it (because he will often ignore it at first or make a rude comment or go in a huff) but I don't feel like I can do this as I'm not his parent and I worry about it hurting his feelings and I also don't want to have to deal with any potential comments or huffs. But at times it makes things really difficult, like often if I'm settling the baby he will do this and it wakes her up and she'll cry (and he'll then sometimes say how she's such a bad baby and he was such a great baby who never cried). I can't sit and watch a TV ever without this happening either, he'll just talk right through it.

Last night I spent most of the night with him and he made rude comments to me twice. This is the way he speaks to everyone so I know it wasn't personal, but I don't feel able to tell him when he's being rude like that. This is what has made me realise that I think part of feeling on edge is not feeling comfortable to say what I feel like I should say, so I never feel completely relaxed. He has also been quite rude about the baby before, particularly when she's been crying, so if she gets upset or cries sometimes I get panicky about not calming her down quick enough and then having to face some negative comment from him, which I feel the need to swallow (whilst feeling fiercely defensive of my baby and holding back on what I really want to say).

I know what I would do or say if I was his parent but I'm not so it feels much more difficult. I think I'm always nervous about saying something that hurts their feelings and it having a negative impact on our relationship (particularly as he's so sensitive to things and will take things very negatively) as it's generally a really good one and I worry about that changing. But it's hard to swallow someone being rude to you or about your baby. Whenever DP hears him or if he's rude to him or anyone else (he can be absolutely awful with how he speaks to DSC2 and DP) he will pull him up on it but if he doesn't hear or isn't around I can find it hard to approach myself and as he lives here full time this tends to be a daily occurance.

A lot of the time he can also be lovely, at times when his sister cries he can be caring instead of making the digs. But the thing is I never know which way it's going to go and it's making me feel constantly on edge. Even when he's in a good mood he can be very tiring to be around with the constant talking and I just feel so drained.

I know DP finds this difficult and tiring too but he can tell him to stop talking during a show or not to be rude and I don't feel like can, or I need to try do it in a roundabout way which doesn't really work.

Before anyone asks, there is no ASD or anything like that, (I work with children with autism, he's definitely not autistic) and I do think it's a mix of personality combined with insecurity and trying to over compensate /impress and act/speak in a way that he thinks is mature. I just don't want to feel constantly stressed and on edge all the time. I'm knackered with having the baby but I will sit up for hours at night after he's gone to bed just to get some time to decompress after spending the evening in his company.

I have seen stepmums on here talking about that feeling of walking on eggshells around DSC, how do you get past that?

Sorry, that's a lot longer than I meant it to be! Well done if you get through it all!

How come they live with you full-time, what’s happened with their mum?

@deeno123

They still see their mum every second weekend but it was deemed by a court that it was in their best interests for them to live with DP as their mum is very volatile and he was able to provide a more stable environment.

I know you say you have experience of ASD but some of those traits are textbook. Unless he's had a global assessment with CAMHS I dont think you can discount something underlying.

I came to say the same, you literally described my asd/adhd son to a tee (he is 9). I wouldn't discount it even though you work with children with asd.

As he lives with you, you need to feel more confident in guiding him when he isn't behaving appropriately. I know you say you don't feel comfortable with it, but he needs you to. Children need boundaries to feel safe. He won't hate you for it. It might help strengthen the relationship.
You sound like a lovely stepmum.

Sit down as a family and make a short list of reasonable rules. Put the list on the wall. Have a reward system. Does he have one to one time with his dad? Might be a good idea. Twenty minutes after baby and younger brother in bed.

I get why people would say that about the autism based on seeing the behaviour written down which is why I wrote initially that it wasn't autism because I knew people would think that on reading it but I've spent over 14 years working with children with autism and 1 of my immediate family members is an educational psychologist and another is a lecturer who specialises in autism, he 100% doesn't have autism and the behaviour definitely comes from another place. It's hard to fully explain how it manifests but he basically will only really do this when he's trying to show off or impress someone and right now he tends to do it to me a lot and I feel bad because I know it's because he likes me and wants me to know how smart he is.
In terms of the rude comments, his mum is very rude with how she speaks to people and so I think that's how he's learned to communicate before coming to live with us.

As he lives with you, you need to feel more confident in guiding him when he isn't behaving appropriately. I know you say you don't feel comfortable with it, but he needs you to. Children need boundaries to feel safe.
I absolutely agree with this and know it's true and what's crazy is it's a big part of what I do at work on a daily basis so I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult to do at home. At work I have no fear as to what the response will be, but with DSC I hold back because I'm worried about it breaking down our relationship and him going back to his mum and telling her and then she would likely use it to encourage a relationship breakdown.

Sit down as a family and make a short list of reasonable rules. Put the list on the wall. Have a reward system. Does he have one to one time with his dad? Might be a good idea. Twenty minutes after baby and younger brother in bed.

We actually did this when DSC first came to live with us but at that stage he wasn't being as rude so this is something we could revisit.
His dad does spend a lot of 1-1 time with him throughout the week although not always daily. He asks for more 1-1 time with me a lot too which I do but those are the times i find it the most draining as there's no one else to act as a buffer.

I know it's the obvious answer, but you need to feel comfortable being firm with him. I have a slightly younger DSS with ADHD, and I wod not allow lots of this behaviour from him, let alone a NT 10 year old. If I ask him to stop doing something I expect him to stop. Talking loudly and waking a baby is an obvious example - if I ask him to be quiet, then even if he does a terrible job, I don't expect him to ignore me. I also tell him when his behaviour comes across as rude and people will not like it. It sounds like your DSS has some behaviours that are real friendship repellents, and it isn't mean to teach him about that, even if he does huff. It will help him in the long run. So things like bragging a lot and saying how much better he is than others. People will not like that, and he needs to know!

The answer of how to get around feeling like you're having to tiptoe around the SC is to stop doing it.

It sounds like your DSS has some behaviours that are real friendship repellents, and it isn't mean to teach him about that, even if he does huff. It will help him in the long run. So things like bragging a lot and saying how much better he is than others. People will not like that, and he needs to know!

This is really true and it's already affecting his relationships with his peers. I've now raised this with DP who has started trying to address it with him for this reason.

In fact your whole response is absolutely right. I know I need to say things when they crop up and I don't know why I find it so hard to, my job is literally doing this on a daily basis and with far more difficult children. The youngest was rude to me once and I pulled him up on it straight away and he hasn't done it since. I think with the oldest it's seeing how he reacts when his dad pulls him up on it and feeling like I'm not in the same position of authority to deal with that the same way because I'm not his parent.

I know others have said this but again you have described my ADHD son which is different from autism.

My son has something more like a tantrum/angry outburst compared to my other son who us autistic and has lost complete control and has a meltdown but equally My ADHD son can't help his outbursts because of emotional irregulation that comes with adhd and an executive functioning that doesn't work.

The boasting is textbook as well my son doesn't stop but it comes again from feeling extreamly insecure.

I would look into ADHD more just to rule it out

Your doing a great job and have taking a lot on and it's no wonder you are feeling the way you are. Juggling a hell of a lot

He lives in your home ft. Of course you call him out on negative behaviour!! Your dc will be witnessing this and understanding before too long. If you don't hand out repercussions there will be 2 sides to your family. Dh and his dc. And you and yours..

Your dc will be witnessing this and understanding before too long.

This is something I've thought of too. There's absolutely no way I want DD to speak to others the way that DSC does, never mind speaking to me that way. I also don't want her to approach making friends by boasting about herself and putting others down and she'll learn from what she sees around her.
I need to just put my big girl pants on and start addressing it when it happens.

OP is your partner aware that you find it difficult to say something to his son? Do you think you need some reassurance that DP will back you when you give his son appropriate boundaries?

My 13 year old DSS1 has a lot of the same traits, and at 10 he did the tantrums/meltdowns too. I have always found it way easier to interact with DSS2 who is a gentle child. Whereas DSS1 can be really rude and defiant when he wants to be. Even his dad lets things slide at times for an easy life - which of course is partly why DSS1 is like this.

The reason I don't do much direct laying down of boundaries with DSS1, though, is because in the past his dad would take his side. This included when DSS1 had been really rude, in front of his dad, who didn't say anything and was critical of me when I did. I don't know if your situation is anything like this but when you say that as you're not a parent you can't say anything to him, I wonder where you get that message from. If your DP said "I'm really happy for you to help teach DSS appropriate social behaviour" would you feel more able to do it? Whose opinion are you worried about?

@tigertealeaves

That's interesting actually. I think for the most part DP would back me, he will pull up DSC1 if he cuts me off while talking and tell him not to be rude as I was talking. Also DSC will often say the worst stuff if his dad isn't around, like yesterday DP said the word ass in front of DSC1 and DD, I corrected him and said, 'bum' because I didn't think he should be saying ass in front of the kids (I hate hearing children swear). He said, 'ok bum' and left the room to do something and when he left DSC told me to shut up and laughed. I did say to him then I'm not having DD hear swear words when she's just a baby and was going to tell him it's not okay to tell me to shut up either but he turned and followed his dad. If it was my own son I would have been calling him back and having a stern word about telling me to shut up and walking away while I was talking to him. In fact, I started writing this as an example of me pulling him up and in writing it I've realised that I absolutely didn't.

If DP had heard him say shut up to me I know he wouldn't have let it slide but there are other times when I don't think that DP realises just how rude something DSC has said is or he'll brush it off as, "that's just how wee boys talk" when I've raised it with him. A part of the rudeness comes from the tone and faces he pulls whilst saying it so when I try to speak to DP after it might not sound as bad as it did when DSC actually said it. There's also been times where DSC has been rude to him and he's not said anything, like the other day DSC said something really rude aimed at DP and DP just turned and raised his eyebrows at me as if to say, 'I can't believe he's just said that' but didn't actually say anything to DSC. Again, it was the sort of thing that if it was my own son or a child I work with I would have said something immediately but because he's not, and DP wasn't saying anything to it then I don't feel like I can to that kind of thing either.

Writing this down has made me realise I think I need to discuss it with DP to make sure we're both on the same page and so I know he'll back me up if I ever raise anything.

I think you need a way to set boundaries without feeling like you are being negative. Boundaries aren't a negative thing, they're quite healthy and normal, your stress is probably because your boundaries are being crossed.

Maybe some polite set phrases? 'That's really interesting, let's talk later when I can give you my full attention, right now I'm focused on x', 'sorry dear I can't focus on what you're telling me right now, let's talk about this when I get a free minute'.

Saying nasty things to baby is not okay, and not okay that you feel the need to shh baby because of anxiety. Maybe there's something you can agree with DH as a response to this? Hard to suggest something as not sure the nature of the comment, but I'm sure there is something you can say to make it clear that this isn't acceptable, without saying something negative.