So fed up with this situation

[GrapeVine20]

I'll try to keep it short if possible.

Basically H and his ex are absolutely shocking at organising anything at all to do with their children. Absolutely rubbish at it. They work shifts and contact is all over the place with no one knowing from one moment to the next who's going where and when. It drives me potty god knows how the kids feel about it.

I work part time at the moment and stay at home the rest of the time with our DC.

I'm sick to death of my husband failing to organise himself with his ex properly and then last minute dumping it onto me. I'm sick of the tone always being me not working full time so I should be grateful.

Example... This morning, DSC staying last minute as always last night. Fine now problem. DH then comes in this morning just after baby DC woke up and was acting all nicey nice to me. Know full well why it is immediately. Then comes the "do you think you could do the school run today" (bearing in mind until that point I had no idea the children were coming back to ours that day as no one ever knows except him and ex).

I'm so sick of it. Sometimes they arrange things properly for the school run and then others I'm just dumped with it with half an hour's notice that morning, I never know which it'll be. I said no. Cue the usual arguement about me not working full time it's the least I could do blah blah. He doesn't understand how frustrating it is never knowing what your day looks like though. I've made plans today with friends to take baby out somewhere so said I wouldn't be able to pick them up either. Now he's saying he'll have to call into work because "WHATS THE POINT OF GOING IN" all dramatic (trying to guilt me).

I've had enough I am so fucking sick of it. I'll get accused of not "helping" the family, having my cake and eat it too (working PT) and all the rest like I usually am but I've had enough of never being able to arrange my days with any certainty.

He doesn't get that if he just arranged things properly I wouldn't even mind helping every now and then. But this last minute running around all the time is a fucking pain in the arse and is not my fucking problem!!!!!

Aghhhhhh.

He's being a twat expecting you to do the wife work. Continue to say no, unless it suits you. You are not the parent to his kids. The sooner you stop helping him out, the sooner he'll get organised. It's not good for the kids never knowing where they'll be from one day to the next, either.

Yanbu

Explain that you will not be caring for DSC unless arranged a week in advance.
Sit down one day a week and plan ahead.
Write it on a white board or planner.
If it is not there, then explain that time is yours to Armand the way you see fit.
Good visual for DSC as well.

He's not proactive because he doesn't think he needs to be. There is a huge difference between asking because he's stuck in a week, than just expecting you to drop everything.

He will just have to miss time at work every single time he messes up, he will soon sort out a schedule.

I agree with the above. Make it clear how much notice you want and that if you don’t have that notice the answer will be no. He then can’t argue and you don’t need to get into an argument about it.

In an emergency to help our that’s different but if it’s down to not being organised it is.

My ex works shifts and is equally as shit as being unorganised. My current DP wouldn’t know what was going on either, he doesn’t have to do any of the parenting or anything I do it so it doesn’t affect him the same as you, but I understand it’s annoying and it annoyed me too.

I’ve told my ex now It’s his responsibility to tell me his shifts a week in advance at least. I don’t chase it and if he doesn’t send them me and organise it in advance and we have plans, the kids aren’t coming.

Cue a few times of the kids not going as we are busy he’s all of a sudden started sending me in advance. He was told clearly so couldn’t argue.

I think you need to say the same to DP. If he want you to help he asks a week in advance if you have plans already the answer can still be no but you’ll happily accommodate if you can (if you want to, you don’t actually have to do anything!)

You work PT for your own DC not his.

What happens if you say you don't mind helping but it needs to be more organised? Why does he respect your time so little.

So your life is effectively run by him and his ex?
Fuck
That

Presumably you are working part time to look after the baby he chose to have with you?

I would be telling him I won't be helping with DSC at all, and the sole reason would be his attitude about that. He is wrong to think you owe him something and he needs to pack it in.

He sounds like my ex, who used to trot out the line I wanted to have my cake and eat it in order to control me.

He now has a girlfriend and I am counting the days till he dumps his childcare duties onto her.

Not sure whether this is helpful, but from my perspective he's taking you for a mug. I agree with PP you should set boundaries and stick to them.

I agree with the PP that you are being taken for a mug.