How do I as a new 'step-mum' support myself and partner?

[LoveBug33]

Hi all,

Am totally new here so not yet familiar with all the abbreviations and lingo here, please bear with me! Would really appreciate some advice from anyone that's experienced similar or knows what I'm talking about.

My partner and I have been together less than a year and live together and he has two children from his previous marriage. I'm mid-30s and he is early 40s. He has custody of his kids for just two weekends each month, so not very much time at all which I know makes him sad.

His ex unfortunately is not a nice person and seems preoccupied with being as disruptive as possible at all times, whether he has the children or not. Since he and I got together and especially since moving in together, she's become a lot worse and this often plays out through her coming up with ways to disrupt the time that he does have with them.

This is very upsetting and frustrating for him, I can see he gets visibly upset and angry and this often results in an argument between him and her (which undoubtedly is what she wants to achieve!).

I am totally new to all of this. Although we are not married so I'm not officially a step-mother, I am in that parental role when we have the children to stay with us and I try my best to make their time enjoyable with activities they like and make an effort to get to know them. I'm mindful of the short time that my partner does have with them, so I do what I can to take on the boring day-to-day stuff like cooking and cleaning/tidying up so he can spend quality time with them. This often means that I feel those weekends for me are just house work!

He does say thank you and I think he does appreciate it, however I am all about things being 50/50 in a relationship and as great as it is that he acknowledges my effort, I want him to then take on his share of the housework for the times when it is just the 2 of us, so it balances out again.

I try my best to support him with the fallout from the awful dynamic between him and his ex, but the negativity of it is affecting my own wellbeing and mental wellness. The level of contact from her seems relentless and far too frequent given that he only has them for four nights each month really. It's like she's a constant background feature in our daily lives and that makes me feel uneasy and sometimes actually anxious. This coupled with the resentment I feel over unfair chore undertaking is making me feel pretty pissed off tbh! I tried to speak to him about this but it's resulted in ugly shouting matches :(

I would be interested in hearing anyone's experiences around any of this as I feel a bit overwhelmed!

Thanks x

Separate the children, ugly ex bit from
Your relationship. My ex was a shouty person. He used this to control us. Is this what you want from your relationship. Is that a lovely pArtner who doesn't share the work load fairly and care for you?

Plan things when the children are with you. They are there to see their dad. You have played a small part in their lives for. Short time.

Why is he engaging in arguments with the children's mother. He needs to not react. Ignore poor behaviour etc. All he needs to know is times for pick up and drop off. He can liaises directly with schools etc if he wishes. He clearly does conflict. Is it proportionate?

Your role is to be welcoming to the children but he is their parent. My kids go eow to their dads Ex gf is nice to the children. Which is all I need to know. She is not a step parent. Ex is hardly a parent. I do the school stuff appointment. Uniform buying sick days clubs etc.

Think long and hard about your relationship. You sound lovely. And should be with someone to enhances your life. Not make it harder

Let's see

its been less than a year

You have ugly shouting matches

You moved in the house and been introduced to his dc and are cleaning up and cooking for them.

Ex has been marked as nightmare

Reality is this relationship has been rushed you shouldn't have moved in when he has children and only just be meeting them going out places not cooking and cleaning after them and certainly not taking a parental role. I suspect ex has concerns over the fact he's moved a strange woman he hardly knows and her who children know and is now taken on a parental role. It's likely not his first time he's done this he's looking for a mother nanny role for his kids.

The ugly shouting matches shouldn't be happening this early into this relationship I hope you don't do this infront of the kids. You gone into completely eye shut. Get our before you end up pregnant and tied to him.

Every other weekend is common because each parent might want to use their weekend so the child can see their side of the family and chill with that parent. School nights are often rushed and the opposite of quality time.

It costs £210 to get a child arrangement order iirc and you can self represent. If your partner doesn't live/work close enough for weeknight contact and school drop off the next day he could (and probably would) get 50% of school holidays.

It's good for kids to see men doing housework and it's nice for them to eat what dad cooked. It's actually a way for them to know him better. On weekends the kids visit, the housework might be left to after the kids go to bed but he can (and should) do his share. The kids are old enough for your partner to do some quick housework while the kids do other stuff. You're not the skivvy and you and your partner are setting an example.

Yikes, I'd get my running shoes on to be honest, sounds like a toxic situation all round.

He's really 'upset' he sees them a measly 4 days a month, is he doing anything proactive to increase how often he sees them? The ex is invariably always painted as the issue, but if it's escalating to arguments when he barely has them anyway I highly suspect she isn't the only problem. Moving in less than a year of being together and after what is evidently a bitter break up for their parents is a huge change, and he should be prioritising spending time with them rather than having you run around. I'd feel uneasy if I was the mother to be honest at someone assuming a parenting role so soon- yes she cant control what she does, but she is human and can raise an eyebrow.

Also consider this, he argues with you when you are being very reasonable and discussing stuff which is understandable; therefore it's not a stretch to conclude his arguments with his ex aren't all from her side. He is an angry and argumentative person by the sound of it.

Run for your life. Your relationship is shit.

He doesn't sound great, does he OP.
They always have "nightmare" exes.

Though her coming round shouting does sound awful, poor kids.

You shouldn't be the doing all the chores on his contact weekends. Give them some time alone - you've been together under a year and he doesn't have much time with them. See friends, visit your family, leave them to it (not every time).

There will be things he has to take the kids to on weekends - sports clubs, friends parties, haircuts - that's parenting. Vs being a Disney dad.

Him shouting at you rather than having a discussion is bad. Sounds like he has a temper. Have a think about whether this relationship really is working for you and what you want. Make sure you do have options in case you decide it's not. Can you stay with friends or family in the short term?

Op, were they married?

Has he tried mediation? From my personal experience conflict with the ex is the result of both parties. Please don't assume it's one sided and at best he doesn't have conflict resolution skills (at worse he generates conflict and has no empathy).

Your kind nature can be a weakness and it's extremely common for women to step into a caring role, without being asked. He will consider it the baseline and you will become resentful, understandably.

If you were the product of separated parents be careful that you're not trying to heal your childhood through this experience.

If you were my younger sister..I would say, leave when you can, the future isn't bright and you can't fix this. Listen to how you feel, validate your feelings and act accordingly. Love for someone isn't enough...this is the best it's going to be (please believe our experience as I assumed it would get better after a while).

@Dollyparton3

Sorry, when I was asking if there was any reason why he doesn't have them more, I was wondering if there had been a court battle like the one you describe.

Personally I would judge a dad if he had just gone for EOW without a very good reason, eg distance & work, court mandates, older childrens' choice ect.

I agree with everyone else on this one - you really shouldn't be trying to "help" so much by doing all the housework. There's nothing wrong with him doing housework and cooking when the kids are there, it sets a good example for them. Furthermore, why would you even consider putting this effort in for someone that shouts at you over the issue? He is way, way out of line, and you should be putting your foot down.

Do the normal amount of housework. Stop falling over yourself to "support" him, he is rude and ungrateful about it. If you want to stay with him (I wouldn't) just let him get on with it, you don't owe him any extra support.

1. 50/50 chores when the kids are there
2. Let him plan the fun stuff for the kids, sometimes you join, sometimes you don’t. It’s not YOUR job to entertain them. (Trust me I made this mistake and it cost me!)
3. Don’t spend all the kid wkends with them, keep your own life and own friends.
4. Explain the way this is affecting your mental health. If he doesnt listen then that tells you something.
5. Encourage him to set some boundaries with his ex.
6. Read Stepmonster by Wednesday martin
7. Listen to the ‘you’re not my mum’ podcast series.
8. If things don’t improve then walk away fast. You’re young and have lots of time to meet someone else. Being a stepmum is often a thankless task.

No Dvice for you personally but he needs to go to court. Mediation is the first step in this, and then an actual court order arranged. This will then stop her using the children as weapons when she wants to. He can self represent if needed

Hi LoveBug 33
I am new to this site too and struugle with some of the abbreviations! I had to deal with an unhealthy dynamic between my partner and his ex. It is easy to demonise one party in a situation like this but the truth is it's complex with big emotions involved and takes patience and empathy to come out the other side. In our case it took a couple of years (sorry that probably seems insurmountable now but if you love each other you can do it) and the strength on my part to set boundaries around what behaviour I could and couldn't cope with. By me demonstrating what a healthy relationship looks like he gradually came to realise it was not in his or his children's best interests to let it continue. There is now minimal contact between them and it is much healthier for them both.
Good luck to you