How do I as a new 'step-mum' support myself and partner?

[LoveBug33]

Hi all,

Am totally new here so not yet familiar with all the abbreviations and lingo here, please bear with me! Would really appreciate some advice from anyone that's experienced similar or knows what I'm talking about.

My partner and I have been together less than a year and live together and he has two children from his previous marriage. I'm mid-30s and he is early 40s. He has custody of his kids for just two weekends each month, so not very much time at all which I know makes him sad.

His ex unfortunately is not a nice person and seems preoccupied with being as disruptive as possible at all times, whether he has the children or not. Since he and I got together and especially since moving in together, she's become a lot worse and this often plays out through her coming up with ways to disrupt the time that he does have with them.

This is very upsetting and frustrating for him, I can see he gets visibly upset and angry and this often results in an argument between him and her (which undoubtedly is what she wants to achieve!).

I am totally new to all of this. Although we are not married so I'm not officially a step-mother, I am in that parental role when we have the children to stay with us and I try my best to make their time enjoyable with activities they like and make an effort to get to know them. I'm mindful of the short time that my partner does have with them, so I do what I can to take on the boring day-to-day stuff like cooking and cleaning/tidying up so he can spend quality time with them. This often means that I feel those weekends for me are just house work!

He does say thank you and I think he does appreciate it, however I am all about things being 50/50 in a relationship and as great as it is that he acknowledges my effort, I want him to then take on his share of the housework for the times when it is just the 2 of us, so it balances out again.

I try my best to support him with the fallout from the awful dynamic between him and his ex, but the negativity of it is affecting my own wellbeing and mental wellness. The level of contact from her seems relentless and far too frequent given that he only has them for four nights each month really. It's like she's a constant background feature in our daily lives and that makes me feel uneasy and sometimes actually anxious. This coupled with the resentment I feel over unfair chore undertaking is making me feel pretty pissed off tbh! I tried to speak to him about this but it's resulted in ugly shouting matches :(

I would be interested in hearing anyone's experiences around any of this as I feel a bit overwhelmed!

Thanks x

Is there a particular reason why he only has contact 2 weekends a month?
It's not custody by the way. Its contact.

@LoveBug33

Thanks *@BurntToastAgain* for such an insightful message I really appreciate it. I agree with everything you've said, I'm not really in a position to move out right now (we just spent a lot of money moving) and I do tell him he needs to sort out this situation with her, she is a nightmare. Atm it's the cost that's preventing him from taking her to court but tbh he needs to find the money to get this sorted out!

I am naturally nurturing and a caregiver, so I do tend to put myself in that role of cooking etc but I want to make a change there.

OK. So you can’t move out.

You can still step right back. And establish clear boundaries. Tell him that the dynamic is making you unhappy.

Rethink your role here. You are not there to parent his children for him. Nor to be his household slave.

You can be nice to and build a warm relationship with the children. You stand the best chance of succeeding there if you are in a pretty detached role.

You can help him spend time parenting his children by giving him the opportunity to do all of it on his contact days. You can go out and do what you like to give him time and space to do this. It’s up to him to make the most of the contact he’s agreed to.

And you are not a scapegoat or an emotional punchbag. You can raise legitimate concerns and there will be no shouting. He can listen to you and respond reasonably.

Can you maybe get some individual counselling to help you to do this? It would help.

@FridayNightDinn3r I'm not sure why it's every other weekend, and yes - it's custody rather than contact, I don't know all the terminology exactly!

Without being rude, it's quite likely there is some kind of negative reason that he only has two weekends a month. I've been through the family court myself and if he's been through the same, he will know the court will encourage contact at all costs. Minimal contact is usually owing to significant distance between parents or domestic abuse that impacted the children.
Or, he chose to have minimal contact.
Does your partner live some distance away from the childrens mother?

@BurntToastAgain TBH I do think professional support would be good for both of us to navigate through this situation. I do have one that I speak to and she is brilliant, very much focus on the practical solutions and why people will be likely to behave in certain ways, which is helpful.

I am a no-nonsense person and were it not a very good relationship the rest of the time, I would not have stuck around! I believe it's worth fighting for, if we had luke warm feelings it wouldn't be worth all this hassle for sure!

Wasn’t a great idea from either of you to move in so quickly, especially with kids brought into a new relationship. Don’t parent his kids or take on his responsibilities for him, don’t allow him to shout at you, how fucking dare he, are you not angry? Would you not prefer a happier, easier life?

Also, out of 365 days in a year, he sees his kids 48? Wow, that’s pitiful, does he not want to bother getting more access?

@FridayNightDinn3r Yes I understand it's unusual. My parents divorced and I spent every saturday at my dad's. I can only ask the question as I don't know why that's the setup for him.

We have moved to a different area from where he and his ex used to live, a huge reason for this was that she wouldn't leave us alone whenever I was there. She would turn up unannounced, shouting outside the house etc it was a nightmare and certainly not settling for the children. As a child of a broke home, I'm always mindful of trying to help them feel secure and settled rather than unsure and worried (Which I often was!).

She has since moved house recently with the children and her partner - they have been living together pretty much since she and my bf seperated a couple of years ago which seems a bit fishy to me...

You have been together under a year and he has at least 26 days a month free.

You should be having fun, nights out, getting to know each other and having mini breaks away.

How on earth did you end up helping him parent, doing the cleaning, reading the ex's messages and considering professional help?

Nothing about this is right, you should run for the hills. Try and remember that he can be very selective regarding what he shows you from his communication with his ex!

OP this is a mess. I'm speaking from firsthand experience and you need to take firm action here.

First off, on his weekends his kids, his obligation. He should be planning like a single parent (as he is) and see it as a bonus if you're around. Make plans for yourself the next few weekends as actions speak louder than words. Don't fall into the trap either of him leaving a pile of work for you. I'd say firmly to him "it's unfair to expect me to come back to the house like this, you need to keep on top of things. I'm not gonna come back and clean up when I wasn't even here." Expect resistance but be firm.

The dynamic of the ex permeating into your lives is awful and I have lots of experience here. He needs to understand you're not in a relationship triangle, his priority is his relationship with you and his kids and she has no role or ranking beyond arrangements for the kids. Yes it would be lovely if everyone was friendly but that only works when everyone involved wants the same thing. If she's out to cause trouble you both have to leave her alone in the ring. He needs to ignore all attempts to be dragged into anything except changes to arrangements.

Enlist the help of a good counsellor to assist you both navigating this.

Your communication style is a huge problem. How dare he shout at you? You are not there to make it all better for him. You are an equal partner in the relationship.

I do believe the ex is a troublemaker and he's not lying about this. But he's so tangled up with her that there is no room for you. If he's not able or willing to untangle then I'm sorry but you're wasting your time. Try to not let her take up space rent free in your own head too. When the angry thoughts start creeping in, remind yourself that no matter what, it must be hard to have another woman involved with your kids and ex. Then breathe deep and get on with other stuff.

Finally, give yourself permission to leave. You're not stuck there. Take a step back, look at it with unbiased eyes. Ask yourself honestly would you have chosen this life for yourself if you knew what was ahead. It the answer is yes then start implementing drastic change now because this isn't working. If the answer is no then free yourself of judgment. You did your best. This is not a mess of your making, its them who ruined their marriage and put the kids in this situation. Regardless of how much you care for the children, they are not yours and not your responsibility. Make your plans quickly to relocate.

My husband has a good relationship with his ex and I didn't move in till about 2 years after he'd separated and living on his own with the kids visiting. But much of what you say chimes with me. Stepmum of about 14 years now.

Honest advice, you are going to burn out and get resentful. You aren't their parent, you should still be in a lovely honeymoon period with your new man. Cleaning/parenting/looking after his kids/not doing your own stuff. It will all build up.

On the one hand it's great for him, he gets to do the fun stuff while you do the drudgey boring stuff. But he's their dad, he needs to do the boring stuff too, and they need to see him doing that.

Step back, maintain your own social life/hobbies etc....

Op. I say this with kindness. You really need to start being a bit more selfish and thinking of yourself. This is too much responsibility on your shoulders for a relationship of only a year.

In my humble opinion, if anything the housework should be divided the opposite way you guys have done. My partner has the children 50/50, and it often works out that he will do more of the housework and cooking when they are there - as they are his kids - and I will do more when they are away so he has a bit of a break.

When his children are there, you should try and just leaving them to it. Lock yourself in the bedroom with a book and a coffee, go out. Disengage.

He needs to create boundaries and come to a stable relationship with his ex. There is not much you can do about it. To be honest, I would not get into a serious relationship with someone who still had this high conflict with an ex, but I know that's useless advice.

The most worrying part of your post is that you say he shouts at you when you raise concerns. That is not normal.

I always find it interesting that men are so ready to label their exes as "crazy" when in reality they have been complicit in traumatising their ex partner.

He's left her as a single Mum (a precarious and unenviable position) whilst he gets to take HIS kids for four days a month. What a help! No wonder she plans stuff on the days he's supposed to take them, they live with her, his four days are laughable.

He's got a new life, no kids most of the time therefore avoiding that terribly dull grind that goes with parenting young kids. He's got a brand new girlfriend who's eager to impress and happy doing the housework whilst he plays darling Dad on his four days a month. He doesn't want to do housework because that's a woman's job, and so is raising kids.

What a true Prince amongst men. Don't have kids with him will you?

Why is he not doing 50 per cent of the household duties anyway?

It’s not a women’s automatic role you know….

2 weekends a month means even he barely has a parenting role. In your position I would be telling him to build his reputation up as a father during what little time he has with them, while going to court to fight for access if he wants more, and not look for ways to ‘support’ him by allowing him to pass the buck onto you.

@CaMePlaitPas

Agree - why does he have them so little?

@Ozanj

2 weekends a month means even he barely has a parenting role. In your position I would be telling him to build his reputation up as a father during what little time he has with them, while going to court to fight for access if he wants more, and not look for ways to ‘support’ him by allowing him to pass the buck onto you.

2 weekends a month is EOW, which is very common.

Yes. I don’t know why people are so scathing about every other weekend. The children need stability during the school week and both parents need to have weekends with them.

It is entirely possible that his ex has fought for this pattern too as it means maximum child maintenance.

Regardless though, it isn’t useful to regard him as a poor victim whose precious time with his children excuses everything else or a feckless, absent father who doesn’t care.

He and his ex have agreed a child contact pattern between them. None of that is anything to do with the OP because one of the things about being a stepparent is that you don’t get any say in this stuff.

So it seems to me that he separated from his children’s mother a year before he met you, and then moved in with you within a year of meeting you. His ex has been living with her BF longer since they split up but yet still came round playing havoc with your relationship to the extent you moved away?
You - being a kind and caring person - saw your role as facilitating what contact he has with his children by doing the chores on ‘his’ weekends and you are fed up of this, not least because he doesn’t do chores when he doesn’t have his children. When you try to raise this, he shouts at you. How do you respond to this ugly shouting?

Here is another question. How do you think he communicated with his ex-wife when they were together?

I honestly don’t think ex-partners just turn ‘crazy’

You have been with this man less than a year and you are describing a situation where he is happy to you to skivvy around when he has his Dc and all the rest of the time and shouts at you when you question it. He and his ex-wife must have been together many times as long. He won’t have been a saint here with an inexplicably crazy wife.

But anyway, your solution is boundaries as others have said. And watch quite closely what happens when you enforce them. Understanding, or more shouting and woe is me from him?

And my final point, of course contact is about children building a relationship with both parents, but they will also have their own schedules, wishes and needs. If they have a party or an activity which your DP takes them to, regardless of whether he arranged it, that is being part of their lives.

[quote jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj]@CaMePlaitPas

Agree - why does he have them so little?[/quote]
Can we drop the EOW judgy judgy stuff? My husband fought and nearly bankrupted himself trying to get contact arrangements in place with his children and I've read all 4 box files of the divorce. This was the very least he could get after 2 years of painful drawn out negotiations. In our case the ex wife weaponised the children and held them as "pay per view" in order to max out the maintenance. From years of talking to other people in our situation this isn't unusual.

Can we drop the EOW judgy judgy stuff? My husband fought and nearly bankrupted himself trying to get contact arrangements in place with his children and I've read all 4 box files of the divorce. This was the very least he could get after 2 years of painful drawn out negotiations. In our case the ex wife weaponised the children and held them as "pay per view" in order to max out the maintenance. From years of talking to other people in our situation this isn't unusual.

It's not uncommon. My DH ex openly tells people that she needs the gravey train to keep coming.

You only have to see that post from that dad who's been paying through the nose for the kids, paid off mortgage on family home and given ex massive lump sum and still she wants more money now the kids have flown the nest .. and the number of women defending it shows that this incredibly common.

EOW used to be typical. It's not now. The family courts are very amenable to 50/50 . Cafcass often recommend it too.

So I would question why he can't apply for more time. And no it's not expensive. Its actually really easy to self represent. That's often just a tired old excuse.

Although we are not married so I'm not officially a step-mother, I am in that parental role when we have the children to stay with

You've been with him less than a year. Step back from "parenting" would be my advice. He can do housework when his kids are there. It will be good for them to see a man not leaving it all to the woman in his life. I get what you're saying about how he doesnt have much time with them but this way Disney Dadding lies.

My main piece of advice is don't feel you can't leave if it gets too much. You haven't been there long, the relationship is still establishing itself. Go out and have fun while the kids are there, don't let your self fall into housewife territory. If the ex gets too much you can still leave. Even if its not his fault, if you find her too much, you can leave.

Hopefully it will settle down and you'll love step mum life though!