Might be more of an AIBU question.....also a bit of a rant!

[Bunglejerry]

DSS is turning 12 next Tuesday. We have him here 50% of the time, along with his younger brother so it works out that he will be at our house on Tuesday morning.
DP has told me today that he is going to keep DSS off school on Tuesday because its his birthday, and will tell the school DSS is poorly. I'm not sure how I feel about this - my gut reaction is that he should be in school (!)

DSS has already missed a ton of school this year thanks to Covid and other various reasons - his attendance was 75% before Christmas. My partner is constantly receiving text notifications from the school because DSS has not done his homework and is in after-school detentions at least once a week. When challenged on this, he blames my partner for "not reminding him that he had homework" He also did not do any schoolwork whilst off from Covid, as my partner let him sit on his computer and play games all day......
With all this in mind, I don't think I'd be letting him have a single day off from school but I know he's not my child so it's not my choice.........

Is it me being harsh? I also found out last night that DSS has been promised £100 by the end of term by his mother and father if he can manage not to incur any detentions..... for me this seems like you are bribing a child to do something they should already be doing...... I'm not sure how I feel about this either (!) ....(I doubt he'll manage a full term without a detention though)

I know it's not my problem, I'm not responsible for raising this child, but I am around him 50% of the week and so is my child.... I do not want my child picking up these traits tbh.....

Oh and DP has no plans to do anything special on the Tuesday for his birthday, other than the usual presents/cake. DSS will lie in bed until lunchtime, get up and go straight on the Playstation for the rest of the day until its time to go to his mum's house......

I think you're right but I would try not to worry about it, like you say it's not your problem and it will only stress you out.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask your DP to avoid talking about these things in front of your child and do it in private as much as possible, though.

I agree with sofa. Detaching is your best route to not feeling frustrated about this (the nacho thread may help), as your DH is not going to change.

I think that it is very difficult to remember and accept the fact that child rearing is not an exact or precise science. Each parent has the right to rear their child in the manner that they think best. There are many and varied routes to the same destination.

Personally, I agree with you about keeping a child out of school for a birthday. I would not do it no matter how well the child was performing in school. I don't see the need for it. That said, I have worked with adults who take their birthdays off from work as a matter of routine. I have never understood the need for that practice either. It is not something that I would do but it is something that. works for them.

You can let your partner know how you plan to parent your mutual child and hope for the best outcome for all of the children in your household. Children reared fully in the same household with the same practices and policies often have different outcomes.in their lives.

Do what you choose to do with your own child and wish him well with all of his children , and then let it go.

I think you're in the right but they aren't going to want to hear it. I'd stay out of it to avoid the drama.

Let them raise there child as they see fit you might not agree with it but utilmately it's the parents decision.

Thanks all,

Yes I need to learn how to detach and remember that I'm not going to be held responsible for how DSS turns out (!) To be fair, I don't do any parenting around DSS, DP does all of that, school runs, cooks for him e.t.c so I am detached in that way.

Perhaps I will go and make a cup of tea in the kitchen when I feel like I'm not on board with DP's parenting and leave him to it :) To be clear, I never undermine him in front of the children. I think we have different views towards education, I'm very involved in my child's school, go to PTA meetings, help with activities and challenges that are sent home, go to parents evenings, love seeing the updates on their learning journal e.t.c, in contrast DP hasn't been to a single parents evening for his son and the one that they had via Zoom during lockdown where they e-mailed him a meeting link, he completely forgot about!

Perhaps this is less about DSS and his education and more about the differences between me and DP..... this has been a cathartic post, so thanks for reading!

Don't judge him too quick op the secondary kids have had a turbulent couple of years I have a 13 old myself who is very similar and has struggled with constant lockdowns and intermittent work with teachers going off isolating. It is a challenging age at the best of times if you have children you might realise just how challenging when they reach that age.

What a crap df... Imo.

Birthdays at school are more fun as your mates can make the day special, then you go home and your family treats you special so I don't see that you aren't wrong with that.

In regards to the detentions - with some kids bribery in one form of another is the only thing that works. One of my young relations was bribed with a bike to stop having detentions for being late. Yes he did have to work for the money to get the bike but it was still bribery.

Anyway as PPs have said just detach.

@Bananarama21
I know, it's been a really tough time for everyone over the pandemic and the children have had so much disruption, it just seems never-ending :(

I think I'm just frustrated by DP tbh. When he gets a message that DSS is in stage 2 detentions for repeatedly not completing his work and DSS says "its not my fault you didn't remind me about it" and DP agrees that it is his fault...... this makes me frustrated..... (might be making too big a leap here) but imagine saying that to your boss if you forgot about a piece of work......I just instantly imagine DSS years down the line and drifting through life.... massive over-reaction I know. I need to chill out a bit I think, and keep repeating "he is not my child" "he is not my child"

No I would not be happy either, it's a poor precedent to set. Mine went to school unless hospitalised thankfully pre covid (at university now). I would be talking about boundaries for your son

I bribe my teenage son over detentions and I'm not ashamed to say it! I do what works to get him through, for him, it's a reward. Punishment has never worked on him.

Do you share a child? If be worried how he would parent a shared child. If not don't worry about it and try and not stress about it. Easier said than done if you care about your DSC.

75% attendance is dire. At school someone with that attendance would be referred to as a persistent absentee. Someone with less than 85% goes into that category im surprised you haven't been fined and heavy school involvement. Having a day off on his birthday with that level of attendance with the aim of staying in bed all day- is just bad decision after bad! If I were you it's not a cup of tea you need but a pot full!

Just to put that into context for you at 75% a child would have attended 143 out of a possible 190 in a year. That equates to missing over one day per week. This coupled with the fact he spent most of his first year of secondary school in lock down- how on earth is he going to achieve his target grades? At 90% evidence compared to target grades found that most achieved one grade less than they should at GCSE. 75% is utterly dire.

@Bunglejerry, your dp must be the type of parent that teachers dread. Not attending parents evenings has been shown to lower children's achievement in school.

If your dss doesn't have SEN then his father is setting him up for failure in later life as he will struggle to adapt to work.

Do you respect your Dp?