Met someone- we both have kids - worlds apart.

[Feduprenter]

I’m just wondering in people‘s experience can this work and his child and mine literally could not be any more different if you imagined it, just poles apart. I really like him I want this to work don’t intend to do the whole blended family thing at all with both gonna buy our own houses postdivorce and if we move in together that’s gonna be like 8 years down the line. Once the kids are actually adults.

I do think that they should be introduced around the six month mark just because if they hate each other and us no point in carrying on is there ?
How have other people managed when the children have been chalk and cheese ?

How old are they? Why are they not alike? Why would they need to spend lots of time together?
My partner has 2 kids, I have 3, my ex new partner has 2 kids, my partners ex have 2 so all the children have lots of new children in their lives and they all get on ok

What ages are the dc and what is it that makes them so difference?

My Dd is only 6 but has something in common with most kids and it's rare for her to decide someone is too "different"

How different are you as parents? That’s what’s I’d focus on. Personality is one thing but values are another. If eg your child is bubbly and ourdoorsy, likes climbing trees and camping and his is quiet, shy, never happier than when gaming or reading, allergic to fresh air and mud, then you might be better off dating and keeping your lives mostly separate.

I know siblings who are completely different, it doesn't mean they can't get along or find some common ground. I don't think this has to be too much of an issue unless one child is violent/aggressive, I think that would be the only time I'd have concerns about them being different.

@AnneLovesGilbert - thats pretty much it. I’d say the only thing they have in common is the gaming which both his father and I are very keen to keep as limited as possible really I can see them bonding over that but that’s just not what we want.

We will basically be dating with him spending time with my child when he’s not spending time with his child if that makes sense and that’s gonna be fine. I don’t want the blended family thing at all

@ElEmEnOhPee Absolutely nobody is violent there’s nothing like that

Have you talked openly about what you both want from the relationship and the time you have together? Being on the same page is so important so you can see if your hoped, dreams, plans align.

My brother and I are chalk and cheese. We still managed to run along just fine and actually complimented one another (merge us together and you probably have a perfect person) 🤣🤣.

I don’t think it’s personalities per se that would be the issue. But parenting styles and how conflicts (which are inevitable) are resolved. That more than anything is the biggest indicator of whether it can work.

It’s also quite a moot point if you have no intention to Blend. If you have separate houses and the children interact minimally, what difference does it make?

Yeah absolutely we’re both rebuilding our lives from scratch and we both had a pretty tough time of it so there’s absolutely no rush… the way I’m kind of looking at this is that it’s safer for all parties if we just get the kids through the childhood stage and then we just combine everything at that stage assuming we’re still together.

OP, if you have no immediate plans of living together, marrying, or attempting to blend, there is no real need to actively involve your children in your adult relationship.

We dated for a year before introducing to our children. Both sets of children had 2 actively involved and engaged parents and had no real need for a new adult figure in their lives.. Additionally, it gave us time to have and get to know each other as adults without having to focus on other relationship issues.

If the relationship has longevity potential, then and only then is there any real need to introduce the kids.

Even siblings can have very different interests and personalities. Sometimes as an adult it can be good to have something that belongs only to you.

In a way being poles apart might not be a bad thing because there will be less rivalry.

Say one boy is very sporty and the other kids is artistic. They can both enjoy their interests without worrying that the other scored a goal/drew a better picture because the other doesn't care about stuff like that. It might take more effort to find common ground when all together but there could be less jealousy and arguments which would outweigh that.

If you're not really blending until they are adults then it will be much easier as you'll possibly see them at different times or they can do their separate things in different areas of the house.

Yes that makes a lot of sense actually, thank you

Don’t force it, it sounds like there’s no reason to either.