So my step-daughter (20) hasn't seen us since last Christmas, and decided not to visit today ..

[clumsymum]

I've posted before on here, she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge her father at all, doesn't respond to messages left on her phone or texts.

She's at University, so we know she's busy, but I think she could just acknowledge his existence in some way (esp as he's still paying maintenance for her), and that of her little half bro, who used to adore her. He often asks why we don't see her anymore.

Her 20th Birthday was on Sunday. DH took a card and £50 on Friday night, but she hadn't arrived home yet. He texted 'Happy Birthday' on Sunday, no response.
Today she and step-son were due to come to us. DH went to collect them (step-son has autism so needs collecting and taking home), She has decided not to come.

So we have sent her chocolates and more money back with her brother tonight. I am hugely sad for dh, and find myself REALLY resenting step daughter.

Her mother doesn't seem to suggest she should come. I don't think we did anything to offend her. If we did she won't tell us.

Can anyone help me cope with this. I try not to get cross, cos it doesn't help DH, but I really want to slap her .

Not much you can do, tbh, except have a rant here and get it off your chest. 19 and 20 yos can be hugely self-centered. Hopefully she will come back to her dad eventually but all you can do is wait.

I feel a bit calmer today, but still quite cross.

She doesn't send a card, let alone a present, nothing at all for ds.

Even my step-son manages Christmas Cards and presents for us, despite his autism.

Tbh when i was that age I was far more interested in spending time with my friends than my family. It's probably nothing to do with the step situation - or only that maybe she feels more at liberty to do her own thing under the circumstances.

i agree, its nothing to do with the step situation. more to do with being young and single andfree and arrogant, and full of health, and young, and ignorant. and well, all that again.
your dh should slap her!

Can't get near her tho' Pukka ...

I personally think that her mother should slap her, and I've said before on here (much to some people's disgust) that dh should stop paying the maintenance, until she acknowledges him.

The step situation does make that more difficult tho'. I know that if they hadn't split up, he would have with-held money for this behaviour. But he's scared that his ex will just cause bother if he pulls the maintenance (tho' I think he's being a bit wet about it).

I also know we will get no thank-you for the £100 we have just shelled out. .

yes he is beingwet.
she isnt a child. she is an adult. and needs to start behaving like one. but wont unless she is made to i fear.

clumsymum - I actually disagree with some of the responses to the thread. (Sorry, do not mean to offend anyone ). I think her age and situation have very little to do with why she won't come round etc.

My parents got divorced and we all lived with my mum afterwards. One of my siblings feels very resentful towards my dad and only sees him once a year at Christmas and usually only because the rest of us persuade him to come to "keep the peace". His view of my dad is that he is a bastard. On returning from our Christmas visit from my dad's this year, my brother handed me the gifts my dad had given him and told me he never wanted to see the gifts again and that if I could arrange for a charity to benefit from them, he would be grateful.

I am not accusing your DH of being anything other than a good father, but I am just saying that from reading your posts, it seems to me that there is an underlying problem/something that has happened and she resents/dislikes her father for a particular reason(s).

Personally, I don't think that withholding money/presents etc is the answer. I think that will make things worse and encourage her to cut off all contact (which would not appear to be difficult given the lack of contact she already has). Also, she may pick up on any feelings of pissed-off-ness that you/DH have about her if she comes round.

"Also, she may pick up on any feelings of pissed-off-ness that you/DH have about her if she comes round. "

Well crokky, I know, but we haven't actually felt so pissed off before, as I say we haven't seen her for a year.

I recognise that she may have a skewed view of her father, having lived with her mother (and in early days maternal grandparents ) since the divorce. I didn't know dh then, He tells me he left because his w was screwing around.

We have always tried to make sure we have time for my steps. We didn't move down south (which would have been better for both our careers) a few years ago, just to avoid the danger of dh losing contact with them (and no, we have never told them that).

I do think Crokky that your bro should discuss things with his father to fully understand things.

Similarly, if my SD doesn't want anything to do with us, I'd rather she told us why. She may not know something which would put things in perspective for her.

Sounds like the all-too-common attitude problem. A lot of girls at that age seem to resent their parents ... at least that how it seems in this day and age.

I'd trust to hope that she'll realise (sooner or later) that she's being very inconsiderate and rude by not acknowledging her father and come to her senses. Perhaps her guilt will override her apparent resentment and she'll start making more of an effort.

All you can do is be there for your husband. I'm sure he needs your help and support while he's going through this difficult time.

Good luck.

I don't think using money to control personal relationships is EVER a good idea, so wouldn't link maintenance to obedience or contact.

But I don't blame you or dh for being frustrated by her lack of contact, it is bloody annoying. People her age are often ungrateful hounds, though, even if they live in the same house as their parents. You just have to wait until she actually grows up.

can i be nosy and ask why she lived with her gps not a parent and for how long when they first divorced?

UC.

Because exw said she wanted custody (after first saying she didn't), but was attending university. She chose to take her equity in the marital home rather than live in it, then she went to live in hall of residence, leaving the kids with her parents. Dh didn't know that had been her plan, but actually figured that her parents could give them more stability than she would so didn't interfere when she did it. If he'd had custody there would have been the inevitable round of childminders etc, and with his son's autism, retired grandparents care was actually much better. Dh would collect them every weekend. At that point he saw them more than their mother did. He did get pretty when the grandparents complained about him not supporting them tho'. Exw was pocketing the maintenance and not passing it on to her parents for the kids. Dh had to pay maintenance direct to her father after that.

They lived with the gps for 3 years, then moved into a house with their mother and her new partner.

clumsymum
if you look at the parents split from her point of view then they have both had rough deal and she is still hurting from it

i understand about the grandparents and stability etc but in one fell swoop they lost both their parents on daily basis, muchos bewildering i would think

she probably hurts your dh cause she can and knows that he / you both DO care
her lack of visits presence talks volumes i think

i know this is not much consolation for you, hopefully if they talk it can be resolved a bit over time

I know HairyIrene. But the fact that she won't respond to any form of contact with her father means we can't get any further with it.

I keep telling him that we just have to wait, that one day she will come round, one day she'll ask for his side of the story, who knows she might even apologise.

But in the meantime he gets more hurt, and I feel so helpless.

Her mother does say that she doesn't reply to her texts/messages either, and just turns up at home in the vacs and treats the place like a hotel. Ironically dh and his ex can talk now better than they have over the last 17 years.

clumsymum i do feel for you on this but
i do think she is just doing what she feels was done to her by both of them...they disappeared from her life, so she is doing so too?
some of her behaviour sounds like my sis, but different situation though entirely
but no doubt she is full of anger rage and all

when she is ready to talk reconcile grab it with both hands and hope it works out..

I wasn't terribly interested in visiting my (divorced) father when I was 19 or 20 either - was still very angry with him about all sorts of stuff to do with the split.

I think you have to stay out of it - it's really between him and her. You getting angry at her and disapproving of her won't help the situation. If he left her at her grandparents when her mother had already abandoned her I'd say she has good reason to be angry with him and it may take some time to get over.

I agree with Edam about not linking maintenance with contact. They are completely separate issues. Most people fund their children through university, there is nothing special about that. Given that your stepdaughter does not live with you it would seem the least her father could do is contribute towards her education given that she is clearly not able to be self-supporting if she is a full-time undergraduate.
It must be disappointing for your DH but if he is willing to be patient - why can't you be? Rather than wanting to slap her, it might be better if you hugged her or were at least patient and charitable about her - that would help your dh the most.