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Step-parenting

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Original poster

2 kids, 1 with mum, 1 with dad

28 replies

AmyU1 · 15/01/2022 14:56

Hi all.

My SS recently moved in. Up until recently he lived with his mum and sister and we saw them every 2wks.

OH and ex have private maintenance arrangement.

My question is, where does maintenance lie now the children have been split between the families?

Do we half our maintenance, or do we half it and ask her to pay for the SS at ours, or do we call it quits?

I’m keen to make sure all kids are safe and stable but I’m unsure financially how this affects the current agreement my partner has with their mum.

Thank you! X

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/01/2022 15:03

I would have thought you'd call it quits if each parent has one child. When do they see the other child? Do they swap? If so when do the siblings see each other?

RB68 · 15/01/2022 15:04

call quits in my view but mybe split big costs like uniform and school trips a they are diff per child

MeridianB · 15/01/2022 15:13

I’d say it’s quits.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 15/01/2022 15:14

If you were going through cms, they would work out your maintenance to the ex for the dc she has with her, and her maintenance for the dc you have living with you.

lunar1 · 15/01/2022 15:17

Is there a big disparity between their income?

DirtyDancing · 15/01/2022 15:19

Would it depend on the financial incomes of both households? You would want to ensue each child has similar opportunities E.g it wouldn't be great if one could afford dance lessons and the other couldn't, school uniform, food and heating etc.

Also what are the long term savings plans for both children, if there are any.

NamechangedforthisillgowithBob · 15/01/2022 15:22

If they have a private arrangement thats between the two of them to sort out, not really much to do with you. If they cant agree then they could go through CM and they would calculate it but it would be with they would calculate an amount for her to pay him and him to pay her depending on incomes.

Tattler2 · 15/01/2022 15:41

The arrangement should be what the 2 parents mutually agree upon. Many parents have specific ideas about the life style and experiences that they wish to provide for their children. For many of us these discussions were had and decisions/commitments made long before the birth of the children. There really is no one size fits all when it comes to this process.

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 15:44

Do we half our maintenance, or do we half it and ask her to pay for the SS at ours, or do we call it quits?

you don't have to pay a single penny. Your DP and his ex can decide what they want to do. They could do a calculation on the CMS website and work out if there is a disparity and pay the difference. Or they could both just decide it's evened out.

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 15:45

@NamechangedforthisillgowithBob

If they have a private arrangement thats between the two of them to sort out, not really much to do with you. If they cant agree then they could go through CM and they would calculate it but it would be with they would calculate an amount for her to pay him and him to pay her depending on incomes.
Ah yes this is what I was trying to explain. They could just use the calculator online to work out what CMS would say.
Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 15:45

Totally depends on what the maintenance included

My maintenance was “global maintenance” and so included spousal maintenance so this suggestion would not work

Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 15:46

How old are each of the children

Seems so sad to split siblings

Chewbecca · 15/01/2022 15:56

Are they teens?

That’s when this seems to happen IME, when a teen falls out with their mum and think grass will be greener with their Dad.

When DSS moved in with us at about 15, DH did not amend the amount he gave EW. He continued with the agreed amount until the agreed end (left FT education). It was the right thing to do.

aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2022 16:17

@Chewbecca

Are they teens?

That’s when this seems to happen IME, when a teen falls out with their mum and think grass will be greener with their Dad.

When DSS moved in with us at about 15, DH did not amend the amount he gave EW. He continued with the agreed amount until the agreed end (left FT education). It was the right thing to do.

Why was it the right thing to do? If he was the one paying for DSS?
gogohm · 15/01/2022 16:18

Depends on income and precise circumstances. Generally I would say no maintenance payable, but if dad earns considerably more (stereotyping here) then supporting the dc living with mum may be right, it might be regular cms (obviously half what used to be paid) or might be more targeted eg pay phone contract, school uniform and activities

Chewbecca · 15/01/2022 16:36

It was the right thing to do for numerous reasons

  • his exW had budgeted around receiving the full amount and it would have caused a major issue to her ability to keep her home if we had stopped.
  • we had budgeted to pay it until at least 18
  • It didn’t cost us that much extra for DSS to spend 7 days a week at ours rather than the night or two he did previously
  • we didn’t want to bring money into an already difficult situation with DSS and his mum, i.e. him causing her huge hardship by his choice
  • it may not have been a permanent situation
Tattler2 · 15/01/2022 16:41

@aSofaNearYou
For us , the right thing to do was to continue to provide the quality and quality of life that we agreed upon when we decided to have children. What we wanted to provide for our children been was not determined by where or with whom they lived, but it wad based upon the kind and quality of life experiences that we wish to provide for our children. We factored in every day experiences and expenses, travel opportunities, school tuition cost, sports, music expenses, etc.

Prior to having children we gave considerable thought to the number of children that we felt that we had a comfortable emotional, financial, and time commitment bandwidth to adequately provide for.

We see this is a joint and firmly committed to process determined as much by the interests and needs of each child as by some arbitrary fixed dollar amount by one or the other of us.

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 16:51

@Chewbecca

It was the right thing to do for numerous reasons
  • his exW had budgeted around receiving the full amount and it would have caused a major issue to her ability to keep her home if we had stopped.
  • we had budgeted to pay it until at least 18
  • It didn’t cost us that much extra for DSS to spend 7 days a week at ours rather than the night or two he did previously
  • we didn’t want to bring money into an already difficult situation with DSS and his mum, i.e. him causing her huge hardship by his choice
  • it may not have been a permanent situation
  1. Tough she can rebudget
  2. So?

The only points I can kind of get are not wanting to bring money into it and it maybe not being permanent. But as soon as it became clear it was permanent there was no reason to be paying his ex child maintenance

Original poster
AmyU1 · 15/01/2022 16:52

Thank you everyone.

It’s slightly easier for me as my children are paid for by CMS so I don’t know much about private arrangements etc or what needs to be done.

The income isn’t much different if I’m honest.

As for reasons of the move, it was suggested by the relevant agencies that this become the new living situation.

We used to have the children every other weekend so I believe the plan is for SS to go to their mums on the weekend SD stays at home if that makes sense?

As I say I wasn’t sure how it worked and I was really asking on behalf of my OH as he’s still working it all out too.

OP posts:
JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 15/01/2022 17:02

I know a family who did this, mum moved away and the daughter went with her, the son stayed with dad as they had a shared hobby and 'more in common', he wasn't asked just told, he's now mid to late twenties has no relationship with his mum and whilst he never fell out with the sister they are more like distant cousins. His dad died last year and hadn't remarried or had a long term partner, so he feels pretty alone now.

aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2022 17:04

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
For us , the right thing to do was to continue to provide the quality and quality of life that we agreed upon when we decided to have children. What we wanted to provide for our children been was not determined by where or with whom they lived, but it wad based upon the kind and quality of life experiences that we wish to provide for our children. We factored in every day experiences and expenses, travel opportunities, school tuition cost, sports, music expenses, etc.

Prior to having children we gave considerable thought to the number of children that we felt that we had a comfortable emotional, financial, and time commitment bandwidth to adequately provide for.

We see this is a joint and firmly committed to process determined as much by the interests and needs of each child as by some arbitrary fixed dollar amount by one or the other of us.[/quote]
Yes, but if your children aren't living their at all then you're not providing them with anything, you're taking it away from the household they live in (yours) to give it to their other parent instead.

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 17:09

Yes, but if your children aren't living their at all then you're not providing them with anything, you're taking it away from the household they live in (yours) to give it to their other parent instead. exactly I can't get my head around why anyone would do that. It's taking from the child.

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 17:11

The income isn’t much different if I’m honest. then CMS would work out 1 amount for dad to pay mum and one amount for mum to pay dad and they might cancel each other out. Thing to be mindful of is when one is old enough to have payments stopped the other one might not be unless they are twins.

Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 17:12

As I say I wasn’t sure how it worked and I was really asking on behalf of my OH as he’s still working it all out too.
Well if you guys don’t know
We’re not going to know either as contingent on quite a few factors

Chewbecca · 15/01/2022 17:59

Yeah, re-budgeting would likely have meant selling the family home so other child lost their home too, DSS would likely not have had a room in the new home, closing the door on returning and rebuilding relationship with his mum.

There is so much more to think about IMO than the ££, it’s the consequences for the DC.

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