Tell me your positives

[Berrybear]

After going through a stage of struggling recently with our blended family, I've realised recently that my mindset has played a big part in making things seem even worse than they are. It almost became a bit of a downward spiral, a couple of challenging things happened which then put me into a negative mindset and I started to view every little thing in a negative light, even really petty things that really weren't a big deal. I was making myself more and more unhappy by thinking that way. I decided to try change my mindset and try to view things differently, still standing up for the things I need or if something doesn't sit right with me, but trying to see the positives in it as well. In the last few days it's actually helped me to feel much calmer and happier as a result.

So I thought I'd start a thread about the positives of being a step-parent, whether general or specific to your own situation. No negatives at all! This thread is just for the good stuff!

Mine are:

• I have a partner who is really respectful of me
• Me and my partner are really good at communicating and talking through problems and difficulties around having a blended family and coming up with solutions together
• My DSC adore the baby their dad and I have together
• DSC can be really kind and thoughtful
• I know my DSC really like me and love it when they ask for me to do bedtime and read them a story and tuck them in
• I love that DSC love for us all to do things together as a family, they are always keen for DD and I to be included
• My partner is really hands-on and does the parenting of DSC and doesn't expect me to be a second mum to them

Would love to read everyone else's!

Nice idea @Berrybear but someone will be along to piss on your parade soon. Maybe we should have a sweepstake for how many posts it takes

My positives are:

• It has been lovely to be able to watch DSDs grow from cute little girls into beautiful young women
• DP and I get a good balance of couple time and time with them
• I have never been guilted for spending time with friends on contact time or going out and doing my own thing which I have seen described by other posters
• Over the years I have got to do fun activities that you can't do as an adult unless you are with a child or you look weird (like lasertag)
• I am not, and never will be childcare for DP and his ex. They work it out between them
• DP's ex is a reasonable human being and has not placed her children in a loyalty binfd.

• my DSD as a younger child was a lot of fun and I loved all the activities; it makes me look forward to that age with my own DC

-now she is a teen she is fun in a different way; we can watch trashy tv together and she keeps me up to date with what’s “in” -now she is older she makes the decisions about seeing us (rather than her mum) and she sees the truth rather than just what she is told by others -I fell in love with DH in an extra way/with an extra dimension seeking him as a dad

• I have learnt a lot about how to mentally cope with situations out of my control which has no helped me in other ways

I know exactly how you feel OP, your OP really resonates with me.

My positives are

• My DP doesn't have the kind of wildly unreasonable expectations that you often see from DPs on here, and he doesn't have rose tinted glasses about his son. This is the most crucial one for me because the sort of thing posters on here have to put up with from their partners would make the situation 10 times worse than the actual child element ever could, to me.
• My DD has someone to play with some of the time, and learns valuable lessons about sharing and rubbing along with other kids from it.
• I've had the opportunity to witness parenting first hand and form some ideas about how I would approach things differently with my DD as a result.

My SO is a great person and shows me every day that I am a priority to him, and he appreciates all my efforts while understanding how difficult it is sometimes. He treats me as an equal and asks for my input in almost everything.

My stepson loves the shit out of me and in the end that is all that matters.

What a lovely idea!!

I've been with DH 10 years, I have 3DC and 2 DSC.

My positives

• there is an age gap between my oldest and my middle child (8 years). DD1 and DSD are only 3 years apart. Now at 18 and 21 it warms my heart to see them go on nights out together etc
• my DS and DSS both love football and legs, as children, neither had a brother and would spend hours building together as young boys. Something neither of them would of had.
• my eldest DSD lives with us and is a fantastic support to my DD13 going through her teenage years.

-my DH has never stepped back on parenting his own kids and over the years we have developed a cohesive style of parenting for all our DH...but it took time.

• my DSC know without a doubt I am here for them and love them as much as my own DC.

-I get the big family I always dreamed of

DSD13 and DD3 and expecting

-DSD has really taken to me in ways I never expected much to the wonder/bafflement/Chagrin of others and repeatedly makes me laugh with her matter fact way of being

• despite the massive age gap between the girls they get on really well together and my DD loves her step sister and via versa but they chose that

• despite the challenges we have faced DH has always come to the table, listened and acted in a loving way.

• DM on the whole and based on this board is for the large part reasonable, polite in her interactions with me.

• I have gained skills I never knew existed as a result being part of blended family

I'm loving reading these. It's good to see the positives, and some I hadn't thought of, like what you learn and gain in terms of insight into raising children, as well as learning new things.

It's been a whole new world for me. My life had been my job and my business until late DH became ill and needed my full attention. Then I was widowed, and met current DH with his adult children still living at home. So, later in life, here I am in Mum's world and it is one hell of an adjustment!

You could say I've gained a more rounded life! I've developed a good relationship with the younger ones. Bit sticky with the older ones, but you can't win 'em all.

Oooh I like this thread.

I have a DS (father has never been involved) and 2 DSC we have 50% of the time.

My positives are:

My DS has a father-type figure

I have lovely children in my life without going through the pain and trauma (in my experience) and of pregnancy and birth

My DS has wonderful siblings while being my only child

DP is a great dad and is not affected by a guilt complex. His EW has partner who DSC also like very much and had already met before I was on the scene

DP and his EW have raised their children to be very polite and respectful

We are all fortunate enough to have decently paying enjoyable jobs (many issues I see on here traced back to money issues)

Me and DP do the daily parent grind with our respective children separately (morning/ bedtime routines and school runs), so there is a healthy division of parenting responsibilities while we step in and help each other when needed

We've gone from quite an isolated family of two (without extended family nearby or many friends with children) to a family of five and its lovely

....The main issue I have is that I still have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about how I'm perceived by randoms - ie, the assumption you are the OW ect.

I have lovely children in my life without going through the pain and trauma (in my experience) and of pregnancy and birth

My DS has wonderful siblings while being my only child

These are beautiful statements and it's lovely to see them written down. It's actually helped me a lot mentally to see that as recently DP has decided he doesn't want anymore children. I was really upset about this at first and felt almost cheated as I had always said I wanted at least 2 of my own and he was on board with this, but the reality of raising 3 children in a blended family changed his view of it and he thinks another would be too much. Viewing it in the way that you have I think will really help me with that- I have 3 beautiful children in my life although I only gave birth to one of them. My DD has 2 siblings who adore her, but I can give her all my focus and attention.

@Berrybear

Aww, it's a difficult one. Away from the blended family issue, I'm in two minds about another child anyway because I found pregnancy and birth so awful. Also because I'm looking forward to being 40 and having an older teenage child and some freedom for myself.

DP is reluctant (he doesn't mind the idea of more children, but not the baby phase) but would support if I really wanted one.

Re DSC - we have them half the time, and not sure how we could deal with 4 children in the house. I'm worried I might start resenting them being there if I was struggling with a new baby. Reading this forum, it seems like many of the problems and complications start when there is a new baby.

We might think about fostering when the children are grown though :)

(1DD and 2SC)
My Dc has someone to play with and talk to when SC are here.
They don't always get on, but they are extremely protective of one another.
Some great memories of lovely days out and holidays. At the time it was usually stressful with the bickering etc, but looking back there was lots of fun and laughing involved (the kids only remember the fun stuff too) and thats what I remember from those days now & realise I put too much pressure on the day being perfect!.
Knowing there is hope my DD won't be a stroppy, stressy, snappy teen forever, as my SD came out the other side from it and is lovely.
The thoughtful gifts they choose for mine and dd birthday/Xmas (with no input from my OH).
The random texts/pictures they send me, because they've seen something I may like in a shop or on the telly.
My DD knows she has a step dad who loves her unconditionally & she can depend on him.
I think our blended family has made both OH and I better parents, as we've learnt so much from each others children.

Thanks Berrybear, you are spot on with this - mindset is 90% of the battle in difficulties and I love using this forum for generating a positive one:
. I am enjoying daughters after raising 2 sons
. It's great to be able to easily factor in regular adult time with our shared parenting arrangements
. I am learning valuable life lessons about not always being in control of how things pan out and not sweating the small stuff
. It's nice to be appreciated for everything I do for the step kids by my partner