Advice needed

[Yellowdiamond10]

Hi, I am looking for some advice! Me and my partner have been together for 3 years, living together for 12 months! He has a child from a previous relationship and I have a good relationship with the child most of the time! I am now pregnant myself and am finding behaviour very challenging. I understand that having a new baby come into the mix might be playing a part however the challenge has always been there even before. The child is 6 and I have been around lots of children of a similar age who don't behave in this way! She hits my partner and went to hit me the other day which is unacceptable, he didn't even tell her off properly which has upset me as to me this is accepting this behaviour! Other things like this have happened which partner puts down to child being excited to be with us but it's not acceptable behaviour in my eyes! I know this is a touchy subject but feel we need to have a discussion about this and am unsure how to do this and if I am being unreasonable due to being pregnant.

You're not being unreasonable, the child needs to be taught not to hit people. You could frame it as if she isn't discouraged from hitting people, when the baby comes along she might hit them and it will be terrible for their relationship if she's getting in trouble for that (which she obviously should). This is behaviour that needs to be tackled beforehand.

You have a DP issue.

He needs to parent his child.

This includes telling her off properly if she hits anyone especially someone who is more vulnerable e.g. a pregnant woman.

Talk to him about it and if you know any of his relations/friends he respects their opinion and they are sensible, ask him what to tell them his daughter hits him and he doesn't tell her off.

Oh and if his child hits you - tell her off. If he says something simply point out you are a separate individual to him and you have your own body autonomy so you have a right to retaliate appropriately. In this case due to your age and size different it is by telling her off.

I think a lot of children go through a hitting stage but they absolutely need to be told this is is unacceptable before they get big enough to hurt people! Is she hitting out in anger if she doesn't get her own way?

She needs to be told off for her own sake. He's doing no one any favours.

Yes I agree it's an issue with him and how he disciplines his child. He doesn't always back me when child is behaving badly which is fuelling the problem massively and I know we need to have this conversation as I can't continue with this, it's getting to the point where I dread child coming to stay which makes me feel terrible.

Yes they can get very stroppy and angry when not getting own way and I have passed comment before and had the response 'that's how kids are' which I totally disagree with and have passed comment that although a child, they aren't stupid and will behave in a certain way if they know that negative behaviour gets a positive outcome (from the childs POV).

What is your guys' understanding regarding discipline? Do you tell her off for bad behaviour? If she hit you, I would imagine you are entirely within your right to tell her off and teach her not to hit people, but you and SO need to be on the same page or nothing will change.

Agree with everyone else, you need to speak to your SO first!

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

Well I think we have different views on discipline. For example, if she gets frustrated and hits him, he doesn't tell her off or makes a throw away comment and laughs it off! My view is it's not acceptable to do that to anyone and she needs to learn that, however my challenge is if I am 'telling her off' and he isn't then we aren't on the same page and there then becomes a grey area of well it's acceptable when I do it with dad so the behaviour then continues as the message isn't consistent! I will definitely be having a conversation with him as we can't continue like this especially as it seems to be getting worse.

@Yellowdiamond10 firstly congratulations!!

Secondly I totally get the wanting to be on same page with DH re this (and you totally should) but you are totally within your rights to tell her off if she hits you. Kids do need to learn what is and isn't acceptable and if she whacked grandpa, aunty ect they would tell her off too. I would expect only to tell my child off if she went around hitting people.

Even if he doesn't I would start because DH may realise he's the only one getting whacked and then that might prompt him to re look at things.

Also have you spoken to her about gentle hands ? Ie no we use gentle hands no matter how we are feeling.

Not being hormonal just need to nip this in the bud quickly.

The arrival of the new baby is DEF a factor, not maybe. DPs daughter is old enough to understand that you and the new baby will see her father all the time, and she will only EOW. That alone is super super hard for kids to accept. The hitting obviously has to stop, and PP are right in what they suggest you do. But 'dreading' the arrival of a six year-old on weekends is immature. It's going to get tougher before it gets easier, so try to act with confidence and compassion -- the latter will come in spades when you become a parent yourself soon.

@AubadeIsIt You need to stop playing evil SM bingo as you are projecting by putting adult perceptions and understanding on to a primary aged kid.

Kids don't think like that until they are more mature as all they see is what is happening at the time.

The baby hasn't even been born so the 6 year old doesn't see themselves sharing their dad with another sibling. All they hear is that they will have sibling from their dad and unless adults have expressed negative emotions over it, it doesn't mean very much.

But 'dreading' the arrival of a six year-old on weekends is immature.

No it isn't, I dread being around lots of children that are awful to be around.

Totally agree he needs to establish and enforce consequences for hitting. It unusual behaviour at this age, I think. Presumably she doesn’t do it at school.

I’d step right back, limit the baby talk for now and establish plenty of 1:1 time with DSD and her dad, including a hobby or some little rituals they can keep doing together after the baby arrives - park, cafe for special big girl hot chocolate, craft sessions, sports, cinema, whatever she would enjoy with him.

Has she always demonstrated her behaviour of hitting people, or is it a new thing?

That's not acceptable at all. You shouldn’t tolerate that.

She needs to understand that she can't do that. If she hit another kid at school, she'd get punished or they'd hit her back.

Try talking through with her why she's hitting. She needs to express without hitting, but if your partner doesn't see that behaviour as wrong and laughs it off, you have a problem.