My DDs dislike ExDH's partner

[HumousWhereTheHeartIs]

ExDH has a girlfriend of around two years. The kids (15 and 13) liked her at first. ExDH lives in a different city but has a flat near us too so he can spend time with the kids here. In the years after ExDH and I split, he saw them every weekend. Now, he often goes months between visits. At Christmas I had Covid, and since their dad was here and their LFTs were negative, they spent a few days with him. His girlfriend apparently rolled her eyes and called DD1 lazy and ungrateful when she said they missed me, told her that she smelled and asked the kids to move off the sofa if they ever tried to sit beside their dad. She also slammed a door when DD1 said she wasn't hungry. English is her second language so there could be an element of misunderstanding/poor choice of words.

DD1 has tried to speak to her dad about it but he brushed off their concerns and said his girlfriend just cares about them. After Christmas, he asked DD1 to send a text apologising and thanking his girlfriend for everything she did for them. DD1 refused. DD1 has previously asked to spend time with her dad alone - which happens then gets forgotten.
Would it be unreasonable of me to speak to him about it? He is not a reasonable or understanding person. I left him because he was an emotionally abusive bully so my judgement regarding him is often skewed. But I feel really angry that someone is treating my kids this way and their dad is ignoring it or putting up with it. If it's not dealt with, I suspect DD1 will refuse to see him. DD2 seems to receive less of the unkind words, but sees the way her sister is spoken to, so feels almost as unhappy.

As your children are teenagers if they don't want to see their father they simply can refuse to.

They should but don't have to tell him why they don't want to see him.

In regards to his gf - some people choose partners that suit them but don't suit their children.

Is your ex an involved dad or is the gf likely to be picking up all of the cooking, cleaning etc?

I ask because the ungrateful comment sounds like the gf is doing a lot for them and being met with (totally normal) 15 year old un-enthusiasm and entitlement which is quite waring to be the brunt of for a non-parent. Maybe the solution is for the dad to step up and parent.

I think that as the oldest one is 15 then perhaps it would be better for you to support her in voicing her feelings to her but you could help her articulate them in a way that he is more likely to listen.

DD1 has previously asked to spend time with her dad alone - which happens then gets forgotten.

If this is being ignored then it sounds like her dad doesn't really care that much. I don't think it's reasonable to expect the dad's gf to vacate her own home during contact time but I think the dad could take her out for dinner or something like that.

You left him because he was an emotionally abusive bully

Picking out your ExDH's behaviour's from your post, they aren't great, are they?

He goes months between visits.
Your DCs have asked for 1-2-1 time with him and he ignores the request.
He rates his GF's feelings higher than theirs.

I think the GF is a red herring here, and the real problem is that your DCs are finding out what their Dad is really like - he puts his needs first and doesn't care that much about them.

The GF might be doing loads for them, she might be horrid - either way it's much easier for your DCs to say 'Dad's GF is horrid' than 'my Dad is horrid'.

There's no point contacting him yourself - as you arleady point out He is not a reasonable or understanding person You need to support your girls as they work out their own solutions about him.

I think the GF is a red herring here, and the real problem is that your DCs are finding out what their Dad is really like - he puts his needs first and doesn't care that much about them.

You have perfectly articulated what I was thinking @AnnaMagnani

He is not a reasonable or understanding person

So dont bother trying g to talk to him
Just support your dds
To make their own decisions

So sorry you're having to go through this, OP :( as a stepmother myself, I don't understand why some people enter into these situations just to be horrid to the kids.

That being said, keep in mind that kids do tend to exaggerate sometimes when something doesn't go their way. For example, my SO and I have our places on the sofa and everyone in the household knows this. I don't think that's unreasonable. Unless of course the SM isn't even wanting to use the sofa and still getting stroppy over it.

I don't think you should mention it to your ex, as he doesn't sound like the most understanding person who will be willing to work with you on this. You might risk the situation getting worse if you 'complain' about his girlfriend.

I think the key thing to do here is to help your daughters manage the situation, and to help them navigate their emotions around it. If they no longer want to visit their dad because of the SM, he'll just have to lay in the bed he made.

Good luck x

His girlfriend apparently rolled her eyes I think the keyword here is apparently. If you are sure it's not your DD making trouble then yes email their dad.

His girlfriend apparently rolled her eyes and called DD1 lazy and ungrateful when she said they missed me, told her that she smelled and asked the kids to move off the sofa if they ever tried to sit beside their dad

When you say English is not her first language, could that explain these things? I know that sounds patronising, but hanging on her specific words, when they might be less suitable than the ones a native English speaker might use, isn't fair.

I could be completely wrong of course. Only your DD was there. Do you think she was word for word told "you are lazy and ungrateful" or do you think it was "come on you haven't seen Dad for so long, be happy, not complain your mother is not here!"

My teen DS can definitely smell. Most teens can if they don't bathe every day. He came home from school yesterday, his last lesson was PE and he honked by the time he arrived home from the school bus. He walked through the door, and I said "Pooooooh! Bath for you!" He laughed and said "Yup!" Maybe the girlfriend thought your DD needed a bath? It's not beyond the realms of possibility that she did, especially if their dad isn't very hot on making sure they shower every day. So, the gf said as much, maybe not in a diplomatic way, less through intention, and again, more through language barriers.

And also, if DH and I are sitting down for the night, we have "our seats" on "our sofa" and if DS is (usually sprawled across both) sitting there, I will say, "come on, hoppit" and he gives me a very teenage look and moves to another sofa. Again, you'll know whether it's this, and they kept sitting in "their" seats, or if the girls were told to move no matter where they sat.

I worked with 2 Polish women. By the end of my employment, I thought they were two of the nicest, funniest, and kind hearted women I'd ever met. When I first met them, I thought they were rude, I'll mannered arseholes and I couldn't stand them. I remember the first time we went to a pub, and they ordered their drink, "one cola." No "hello, may I have...?" no "please" just a stern "one cola" as an instruction to the barman. 3 years of their English improving, and both them and I, understanding and making adjustments for the cultural differences between manners in the UK vs in Poland, made all the difference.

@KylieKoKo

Is your ex an involved dad or is the gf likely to be picking up all of the cooking, cleaning etc?

I ask because the ungrateful comment sounds like the gf is doing a lot for them and being met with (totally normal) 15 year old un-enthusiasm and entitlement which is quite waring to be the brunt of for a non-parent. Maybe the solution is for the dad to step up and parent.

I think that as the oldest one is 15 then perhaps it would be better for you to support her in voicing her feelings to her but you could help her articulate them in a way that he is more likely to listen.

DD1 has previously asked to spend time with her dad alone - which happens then gets forgotten.

If this is being ignored then it sounds like her dad doesn't really care that much. I don't think it's reasonable to expect the dad's gf to vacate her own home during contact time but I think the dad could take her out for dinner or something like that.

I had similar thoughts to this. It sounds like she could be at the end of her tether. Also, I think it's possible DD is misconstruing or exaggerating some things. Or she could be bang on.

But I think the bottom line is your ex sounds unlikely to listen to you,so you would probably be wasting your time. Whether or not I said something would largely be based on whether you think it could make it worse, would he double down? If not and the only risk is him ignoring you, then I would email him but focus it more on DDs feelings and how she feels about spending time with just him, than too much about the GF, as that will likely lead to defensiveness.

I think the GF is a red herring here, and the real problem is that your DCs are finding out what their Dad is really like - he puts his needs first and doesn't care that much about them.

^^ Spot on.
Teenagers are considered old enough to decide whether or not to see their other parent. I would follow dc1's lead on this.

My oldest stopped seeing his dad at a similar age. He knows that I will help him reestablish contact if he changes his mind but he's still NC after 5 years. Initially he blamed the gf but he now realizes that he's angry with his father and not her

I wouldn't get involved. You are only hearing things from your kids and they might be unaware of their behaviour. From what you described, there could be an element of typical teenage behaviour but that needs to be challenged. They might not like her because she does so but that doesn't make her wrong.

Their dad should certainly spend time with them alone but if he doesn't respond to them asking, he certainly won't respond from you. Hopefully he will listen before they decide not to go anymore.

If they liked the girlfriend at first and now dont, then what has changed? Do you think they treat her well, are polite, realise that they should be grateful for the efforts she makes as she is not their parent? When she told your dd she smelled, how many days had she gone without washing?

As a mother of two teens I can safely say that they can easily and unintentionally come across as quite self centred and sometimes, yes, rude even if they are lovely at heart.