Hope, making it work, boundaries & broaching those difficult conversations!!

[squishy20]

I've been living with my DP for 14 months now (we've been together for 2.5 years). There is no issues (per se) with our (romantic) relationship, it, on the whole, is a very loving, affectionate, attentive, supportive and fun relationship (I am saying this to hopefully curtail the inevitable "leave him" comments that often appear any time someone talks about an issue in the family dynamics). I will not be leaving him, it's not necessary!
DP has two children SS12 and SD10. We have them EOW, 1 weeknight and half of the school holidays (as some will point out, in the grand scheme of things that's perhaps not a lot, but for a multitude of reasons it is a struggle... mostly for me)!

I am struggling with my role as a "bonus parent". I have brought up my own children now aged 23 and 25 as a single mum. I've worked in a school, a children's home, as a childminder and have a first-class honors degree in children's services. I now work in mental health. Professionally (as well as personally), I have a lot of insight into children/parenting. It is an understatement to say that I have found my struggles with step-parenting as a huge sideswipe I didn't see coming.

I have just started some therapy sessions. For the last year I have been trying to understand why I become so dysregulated sometimes when the children are here. Initially, I put it down to my own childhood trauma. It is likely that there is an element of that at play here but through ongoing self reflection and exploration, I've realised my issues are to do with feeling powerless, frustrated and not being able to turn off "caring"! On other threads people have told me "why don't you just stop caring so much" - but you can't just turn off that part of your nature if you're that way inclined! It's not a feeling I choose and I don't want to become someone who doesn't care or isn't compassionate! It's what makes me good at my job!

The conclusion I have come to is that there is a power struggle between ex-w, the home life/dynamics kids have there and the life/dynamics they have at our house. They seem to have grown up without boundaries - to the point that at their age, it is now beginning to become more pronounced. The SC have (socially/emotionally) developmental delays and very little empathy/awareness of others. Fortunately, they are academically bright and thrive at school (not suprisingly as schools have very clear boundaries). I've realised that whilst some of the struggles I have are mine (and I own them), much of it - ultimately comes down to a lack of appropriate parenting by DP/Ex-W. Thus, that element falls to DP. We can't influence what ex-w does but we can in our own home.

DP is willing to work through this and recognises a change is needed. He wants the change. So it's not like I am dealing with a hostile DP. However, that doesn't come without issues. DP is so frightened and I understand why - they kids have often used the "we don't want to come to yours" threat when he has pushed boundaries previously. They've rung mum to come and collect them when DP has made them do something out of their comfort zone. DP would be distraught if he couldn't see his kids (and ex-w would likely revel in it) - so it's like he's kept prisoner by this threat looming over him - so the cycle continues and he ultimately is boundaryless Disney Dad.

Has anyone had any experience of working through something like this together with an open mind, lovingly, together? How can I best support DP? What has worked for you? How do you overcome that threat of teh kids stopping contact? Where are the success stories?

Just because "it's a common issue" doesn't mean to say it's right or healthy for kids though
Indeed, but they are not your children to bring up the right way. They are not experiments to put your experience into action. You've only really be in their lives for a bit over a year, you can't expect to come in and changed all what is normality for them, especially at their age.

You need to back off. They might grow up to be people you don't agree with, but that's not your problem.

Or they could surprise you and turned to be model adults. My kids spent hours gaming yet are very successful young adults. They too did very well at school and that prevailed.

You really need to step back and accept that you have no responsibility towards those children. Expect respect and nothing more.

It’s also very narrow minded and somewhat short sighted to think that the ONLY way to raise kids is having 2 birth parents to guide them through life… family life can be a combination of adults who have influence in that child’s life
This is very true...when it is accepted in return. Either because the children are still very young and don't question things or because they are getting something in return that makes it worth accepting.

Your experience in education is actually having a counter-effect on your judgement. It gives you a sense of responsibility that you really don't have in your situation.

I can understand this when you've worked many years with children, you see it as your duty to help all children, but it is very very different when they are the children of your partner. It's not a job, it's kids who have grown up within a structure that has suited them and their parents and so far hasn't done huge damage, and it is you only who really believes that it needs to change drastically.

I took on adult step children still living at home. They'd spent a couple of years spending about 70 hours a week on an online game. Eventually they got SEN diagnoses as an adult. Didn't stop them doing well academically, but their social skills were somewhat cramped.

So, yes, could be the same for OP's SS. Personal opinion only - the combination of too much junk food plus screens everywhere makes many people incapable of dealing with the requirements of modern day life. I find it sad that we have to drug a massive chunk of the population just to function at school/work, but that's how it is.

You really need to step back and accept that you have no responsibility towards those children. Expect respect and nothing more.

And yet. It is frequently demanded on these boards that we should accept that these kids could end up living full-time with us. Often at the point that their Mum can no longer handle the growing angry hulks that they have become!

Well, there was no Mum to send my adult DSCs back to. So we had to work out what to do for them before we needed care ourselves!

Are people deliberately, selectively or accidentally missing the part where I repeatedly talk about what my partner wants for his kids and that I’m wanting to support him???!

I’m not some Lone Ranger martyr, my partner is tired of the challenges, has sought advice/guidance from me and wants me to support him. I’m not parenting these kids, I’m not implementing these things, in fact compared to much of what I read on here I’m very hands off!!! One thing that my partner gets upset about and wants to change is that I’m not more involved with his kids.

I’ve had to reread my original post a couple times to check - buts it’s quite clear I have asked how I can support my partner and most people are just commenting “they’re not your kids back off them”!!

Imagine if you will, you have had numerous conversations over the last 18 months with your partner that go something like this.

PARTNER: “sigh! Another weekend where (Dss) has spent all weekend on his console. I can’t get him to do anything”
Or, “I just asked if (DSS) can come off of the console but he just snapped at me”
Or “sigh, DSD is just sat staring at her tablet again. I don’t know what to do”.
Or “went out for a walk and all the kids did was moan the entire time”

When as an independent observer, without the rose tinted glasses of parenthood, I can see exactly what is preventing DP having the relationship he wants with his children and stifling the dreams and desires he has for them… am I just gonna follow the advice on here and say sorry dear, not my problem…, I’m off to paint my nails??

All the way through your posts there is a breathtaking arrogance and more than an undercurrent that YOU know best and now your poor deluded DP has see the light you will help him on this journey to perfect children who meet what YOU have decreed is acceptable. Never mind that they were all bobbing along quite happily until you rocked into their home 14 short months ago full of lived experience and training to sort them all out. The comment around your home being more stimulating and nourishing is actually hilarious and infuriating in equal measure.

Apologies posted too soon. The basic premise is as old as the hills - the children's mother is useless, you know best, your DP like many others will follow on the lead of whoever he is living with - dressed up with faux concern and a few 'professional' sounding phrases that have no substance. Give the children options, enforce basic manners, turn off the wifi if needs be and let them get used to you living with their dad. There is no need for anything more. They will grow-up, embrace the options offered and become more rounded or well, not. The drama is really not needed.

I've been through similar with my step children who have been brought up appallingly by their mother and despite my DH's best efforts, having them 2 nights a week was never enough to change behaviours they had already learnt. Neither the ex or my SC wanted them to come more than 2-3 nights a week and they are old enough to decide sadly. My eldest SS eventually decided he didn't like coming to our house where there was rules and boundaries despite them being very basic things like not being rude to people. He stopped coming aged 13 and I haven't seen him since. It's sad for DH but SS was never going to chose being parented at one house when he could do what he liked at the other. Hopefully as he gets older he will realise but at the moment he's very much in the midst of his teenage years.

I took a massive step back from my SC as their behaviour was quite frankly awful at times and there was nothing I or DH could do about it because there was always the threat of "I won't visit anymore" which eventually eldest did. The situation with younger SS is much the same as he knows he could do the same if we don't play our cards right so unfortunately he gets zero discipline here and it's his way or no way. Not a healthy way to raise children but unfortunately it's a situation their mother has created and ultimately it's her that pays the price for it as from what we've heard the SC are pretty awful to her as well.

Not my circus not my monkeys is how I tend to look at it these days but only after many agonising years.

One thing that my partner gets upset about and wants to change is that I’m not more involved with his kids.

What is he wants? I have a close relationship with my DSC but it’s grown naturally, we had them more then you have yours and they were much younger. How much involvement I had was up to me and also led by the DC.

OP part of the reason you have got attacked is in your starting post you said you are a "bonus parent" One of the things you are not as a step-parent, especially a relatively new one, is a "bonus parent". You are a bonus aunt/uncle/cousin depending on your age and sex in relation to your SC.

As such your starting relationship is dependent on how the children interact with extended blood family members and close family friends of around your age. If these adults don't help them with activities/education/every day stuff and aren't able to discipline them, then unfortunately you won't be able to either.

So as some posters have already pointed out your DP can try the simple things with your support to see if they work. If they don't then as Louisa4987 stated she did step back for your own mental well-being.

One observation- I had SC and then had a baby. My understanding of parenting changed drastically! I wonder if becoming a parent when you already have DC is actually harder as you have more to compare.
My pennyworth. I think kids are often very clingy with the parent when they live between houses. My DSC lived with us 50% of the time and yet were still like velcro with their Dad. I think you just have to accept that.
Gaming/screen time is not always terrible and it's the main way kids socialise. There's a lot of looking at crap for sure, but it fuels chats and so on.
I'd continue with the trips and activities, the kids will be getting benefits from them even if gratitude is sparse. Continue to model polite behaviour and thoughtfulness, but don't expect it to be immediately returned. My personal line was rudeness - that was never ok.
We were also quite light on chores but expected kids to do something without complaint when asked.
The cutting up of fruit and shoelaces are interesting examples. Is it laziness or a bit of need to be'babied' and looked after? My DD is 14 and every now and again I give her fruit already cut up, it's a bit of a joke but I know she actually quite likes the feeling of throwback to an easier time and being slightly cosseted. I think this feeling can be even more so with SC
My DH and his ex had an extremely good post split relationship around the kids and have very similar values and parenting styles but I still found it hard going sometimes. He could be very defensive if I said anything perceived as critical.
I was a pretty hands of SM and get on well with my SC.
You really do have to develop quite a thick skin though and pick your battles. Your SC are quite young and are going to be home for some years yet.
Whilst I think often Dads want to recreate the family unit that has now gone, kids really just want time with Dad.

One thing that my partner gets upset about and wants to change is that I’m not more involved with his kids
Oh I bet! He clearly has very little control over his kids, can't be bothered to do the hard work and here you come, with all the qualifications, experience and desire to tell what to do. How perfect!

The it issues that in all likelihood, his kids won't see it the same way. It's as enough when one parent has a sudden 'wake up call' and decide to become stricter after years of parenting one way, but add that sits an external body who i.pact those changes, and the reception is very unlikely to be positive.

What do they get from you coming in, telling their dad what to do because he's not dad enough to do it alone? Why should they welcome it all?

He is right, his kids are likely to rebel and then refuse to come, at best only agreeing to see him outside of the home and you. All that investment you'll have put in for nothing.

As said, they should respect you, adhere to some house rules, but anything that has nothing to do with you such as how long they stay on consoles and you are opening a can of worms that will only lead to trouble.

Just to add

PARTNER: “sigh! Another weekend where (Dss) has spent all weekend on his console. I can’t get him to do anything”
Or, “I just asked if (DSS) can come off of the console but he just snapped at me”
Or “sigh, DSD is just sat staring at her tablet again. I don’t know what to do”.
Or “went out for a walk and all the kids did was moan the entire time”
That could have been my words until my kids went to Uni. Since then, they have lost interest in the Xbox. My DS came back for the first time in November and his first words was asking to go for a walk in the countryside!

Your OH should use his energy guiding them as to what they want to do after-school rather than fighting them for what is most normal behaviour for kids this age who've experienced lockdown.

Ok @squishy20 so although I think @vivainsomnia being a bit dramatic I think there's bones to what she's saying but not from a your a hideous person/sm get back in your box place, but from a objectively how much of a difference can you realistically make given these behaviours are now so entrenched not even DH is being able to shift them. In the wide scheme of things tech, screen time and gaming is a common problem with teenagers across the board. This won't be a war either you or DH can win but you maybe be able to mitigate your damages. They may age out of, it they may not but you cannot drag the horse to water. Maybe DH putting limits on consoles so they turn off at certain times or after x amount of hours or as other suggested turn off WiFi will help. Maybe not but worth a shot.

However you don't have to put up with disrespect or nastiness on the house. Saying house rules apply for everyone and enforcing them makes the SC know it's not just them but for all. For instance I chewed DH for not clearing up after himself and SD enjoyed dad getting told off and actively dobs DH in if he breaks one of the rules (we make it light hearted but fair). Teenage rebellion is always not fun.

You maybe be trying to tackle to many issues at once. Tackle the rudeness, the basic house rules and focus on encouraging independence with SC in a positive way. But don't hang your hat on it, if progress is made great if not in all areas.
Pick your battles - not because your a evil a SM who doesn't know what they are doing. Because your MH will take a bashing if you base their improvements or lack of on, your ability to help, you can't fix it all sadly . Let the people who have sown the seeds, reap the land and help where you can on certain areas.

I agree, @candlelightsatdawn said it better than me