Hope, making it work, boundaries & broaching those difficult conversations!!

[squishy20]

I've been living with my DP for 14 months now (we've been together for 2.5 years). There is no issues (per se) with our (romantic) relationship, it, on the whole, is a very loving, affectionate, attentive, supportive and fun relationship (I am saying this to hopefully curtail the inevitable "leave him" comments that often appear any time someone talks about an issue in the family dynamics). I will not be leaving him, it's not necessary!
DP has two children SS12 and SD10. We have them EOW, 1 weeknight and half of the school holidays (as some will point out, in the grand scheme of things that's perhaps not a lot, but for a multitude of reasons it is a struggle... mostly for me)!

I am struggling with my role as a "bonus parent". I have brought up my own children now aged 23 and 25 as a single mum. I've worked in a school, a children's home, as a childminder and have a first-class honors degree in children's services. I now work in mental health. Professionally (as well as personally), I have a lot of insight into children/parenting. It is an understatement to say that I have found my struggles with step-parenting as a huge sideswipe I didn't see coming.

I have just started some therapy sessions. For the last year I have been trying to understand why I become so dysregulated sometimes when the children are here. Initially, I put it down to my own childhood trauma. It is likely that there is an element of that at play here but through ongoing self reflection and exploration, I've realised my issues are to do with feeling powerless, frustrated and not being able to turn off "caring"! On other threads people have told me "why don't you just stop caring so much" - but you can't just turn off that part of your nature if you're that way inclined! It's not a feeling I choose and I don't want to become someone who doesn't care or isn't compassionate! It's what makes me good at my job!

The conclusion I have come to is that there is a power struggle between ex-w, the home life/dynamics kids have there and the life/dynamics they have at our house. They seem to have grown up without boundaries - to the point that at their age, it is now beginning to become more pronounced. The SC have (socially/emotionally) developmental delays and very little empathy/awareness of others. Fortunately, they are academically bright and thrive at school (not suprisingly as schools have very clear boundaries). I've realised that whilst some of the struggles I have are mine (and I own them), much of it - ultimately comes down to a lack of appropriate parenting by DP/Ex-W. Thus, that element falls to DP. We can't influence what ex-w does but we can in our own home.

DP is willing to work through this and recognises a change is needed. He wants the change. So it's not like I am dealing with a hostile DP. However, that doesn't come without issues. DP is so frightened and I understand why - they kids have often used the "we don't want to come to yours" threat when he has pushed boundaries previously. They've rung mum to come and collect them when DP has made them do something out of their comfort zone. DP would be distraught if he couldn't see his kids (and ex-w would likely revel in it) - so it's like he's kept prisoner by this threat looming over him - so the cycle continues and he ultimately is boundaryless Disney Dad.

Has anyone had any experience of working through something like this together with an open mind, lovingly, together? How can I best support DP? What has worked for you? How do you overcome that threat of teh kids stopping contact? Where are the success stories?

Mmmm so funnily enough my SL was on receiving end of this so (your DP in this situation). Basically what she did was say ok you want to stay with dad, go on ahead. Funnily enough when it came down to it the kids realised the bluff didn't work because the grass wasn't greener on dad side when full time.

They came back after 2 days. Never tried it again

How old are the SDC?

What types of changes/rules is your DP trying to implement?

What specific issues are you encountering with their behaviour? Can you give any examples?

You sound very insightful. I think it’s wise to work on what you can influence and what’s beyond control, as you’re doing.

I also think when people say stop caring they don’t usually mean stop caring about the DC and their well-being. They mean you’re on a hiding to nothing trying to influence bedded in dynamics so for your own sanity take a step back and accept the role that’s available to you - which btw often isn’t anything like being a bonus parent as the kids don’t want one and the ex will ramp up drama if you try - and mentally offload anything that doesn’t fit into it.

Small example from my own life but I think table manners are very important. DH thinks our DD’s table manners are important. He sees how awful his two older DC’s are but has picked his battles and as their mum doesn’t care at all he chooses not to notice. It used to drive me up the fucking wall. It’s like a dripping tap, once you notice you can’t think of anything else. But. If DH won’t tackle it, and I sort of get why, there is no point at all me worrying. I was only stressing myself out and for nothing. I now choose not to see it too, I focus on making sure my own child uses cutlery properly and do my best to ignore my DSS (10 years older than her) trying to eat a roast with his hands. His behaviour reflects on his parents, not on me. I accept that and I now feel much less stressed about meal times.

Have you listened to the new stepmum podcast on the bbc? It’s on Spotify etc too. There’s a thread about it on this board if you have a look.

@candlelightsatdawn

Mmmm so funnily enough my SL was on receiving end of this so (your DP in this situation). Basically what she did was say ok you want to stay with dad, go on ahead. Funnily enough when it came down to it the kids realised the bluff didn't work because the grass wasn't greener on dad side when full time.

They came back after 2 days. Never tried it again

Thanks for this insight. I also wonder if DP may have to endure a short 'respite' whilst the kids realise that actually they do want to see dad (if they chose that 'card').

My incline is that their life at our house is more stimulating and nourishing than with mum, so I think it's likely they would miss it. DP is a very engaged dad and would be able to offer them reassurances that he is here when they are ready.

@MorningNinja

How old are the SDC?

What types of changes/rules is your DP trying to implement?

@AnneLovesGilbert What specific issues are you encountering with their behaviour? Can you give any examples?

Thanks both for taking the time to reply.

SS12 and SD10.
Main issue with SS12 are his time spent on his console (at least 6 hours a day - often more), then when asked to come off of it creating merry hell. Connected to this is his reluctance to do anything else (as a family) that doesn't involve a screen.
SD10 is less of a struggle, but slowly becoming more like her brother and spending an increasing amount of time on screen. Unfortunately, their mum doesn't even challenge it - they pretty much-spent school hols with her, entirely in front of their screens.

Both kids lack manners, gratitude and respect. Both struggle with doing anything independently - neither can (wants to) tie their shoelaces, they will only eat fruit if cut up into small pieces by dad (they know how to cut fruit though, they choose not to). The shoe lace issue is a bug bear because DSS has adult size feet - for the last couple years, DP and ex-w have been going out of their way to find him velcro shoes (not easy in size 8/9 footwear), instead of doing the right thing, to teach him to tie shoelaces. There is more than this but these are the easiest to identify and share here. It makes it seems simple/basic but the lack of independence/lack of boundaries permeates everything we do in the household.

You sound very insightful. I think it’s wise to work on what you can influence and what’s beyond control, as you’re doing.

This is part of my (steep) learning curve and I see your point of view about "not caring".

Interestingly, one battle we have won - is the same as your own, in that until recently SD10 was eating with her hands. I couldn't tolerate it, and after about 3 months, we have managed to get her using cutlery 90% of the time.

Unfortunately the children are of an age where they are old enough really to decide if they dont want to come. All you can do is reiterate the rules in your home and tell them why the rules are there.

The screen time issue is a common issue. A lot of teenagers have an issue with it that's not uncommon. Obviously it wouldn't have been an issue when your children were that age.

Many children prefer one parent over the other for different reasons. The old saying pick your battles comes to mind. This may just be one you're not going to win. If you had it easier with one parent of course you would tend to prefer that parent. Your DP needs to offer something better than screens perhaps.

Why on earth has your DP not fought for more custody if they are in your words socially and emotionally delayed?

When you say delayed emotionally/socially, do they have diagnoses, OP?

The older one must be at secondary school. What do his mates think when he can't tie his laces?!

I think you sound lovely, very self aware and very caring. I think that it's worth remembering that with your DC being that bit older, the lure and pervasiveness of screens is even more significant than it was even 7-10 years ago when your kids were that age. This is the world they live in (albeit not a good one).

I would work with your DP to help him pick his battles so that your time all together isn't mega stressful, but equally he (and you to some extent) feels he is doing what he thinks is the right thing for the kids.

Some of what you said is typical of 13 year olds, parents have an uphill battle to get them off screen. Other things are more worrying, can't tie shoe laces at 12? That's poor parenting unless sen.

My advice is pick your battles and set out expectations clearly eg I insist on meal times and family trips for dd and dsd, they are adults!

@gonnabeok

Unfortunately the children are of an age where they are old enough really to decide if they dont want to come. All you can do is reiterate the rules in your home and tell them why the rules are there.

The screen time issue is a common issue. A lot of teenagers have an issue with it that's not uncommon. Obviously it wouldn't have been an issue when your children were that age.

Many children prefer one parent over the other for different reasons. The old saying pick your battles comes to mind. This may just be one you're not going to win. If you had it easier with one parent of course you would tend to prefer that parent. Your DP needs to offer something better than screens perhaps.

@secreteatingteen I think that it's worth remembering that with your DC being that bit older, the lure and pervasiveness of screens is even more significant than it was even 7-10 years ago when your kids were that age. This is the world they live in (albeit not a good one).

Screens were definitely a problem with my children. I have a 25 year old son who is a gamer. I know the struggles. I lived the struggles. I live with the consequences and challenges of those struggles (as does my son). Hence I have lived experience of what it means long term. I have hindsight.

Just because "it's a common issue" doesn't mean to say it's right or healthy for kids though. I work in mental health, and just like I wouldn't feed a kid on skittles and energy drinks all day, I (and DP) don't believe it's healthy for young, developing brains to be in front of a screen for extended periods of time. It tears DP to pieces, that he only gets EOW with his kids and majority of that time DSS is shut away in his room gaming. I know that DP has facilitated that happening and has a responsibility (he's well aware of that) - the issue is now, that he wants to undo that pickle he's got himself in but knows that unless he treads carefully - he's gonna get the "I don't like being at yours" backlash. Hence, asking for support/guidance in working towards a compromise from those who have made headway.

Regarding DP "offering something better". DP has arranged camping trips, ice skating, tobogganing, frisbee golf, cinema, trampoline park, film nights, board games, beach walks, crazy golf, laser quest, craft days, farm parks, shopping trips, kayaking, soft play, biking, roller skating, play park, to name just a few off the top of my head, all of which will have taken place in the last 6 months. You might think "hey well they did all of those things, what's the problem?' - they were "there physically" - but generally moan, are ungrateful and unappreciatve, DSS in particular spends the whole trip asking "how long?", "when are we going home", "how much longer" and he doesn't know how to amuse or entertain himself, the whole time, he has to have DP there or within eye line.
Fortunately, DSD is a tad more independent/imaginative and will go and play/entertain/amuse herself or interact with other kids. DSD and I have enjoyed 4 or 5 occasions in the last year where just her and I have done crafts at home together. Notwithstanding, offering all the above is often referred to as typical DisneyDad behaviour - to a certain extent I'd agree, it is - you shouldn't have to 'buy' your time with your kids!

The problem with this "offer something more interesting" paradox, is that being permitted to be on the console ALL day is what is the most interesting thing for DSS. In DSS dream world, that's what would make him happy. Sadly DSD is now becoming more difficult to amuse aside from her tablet.

When you say delayed emotionally/socially, do they have diagnoses, OP?

Nope. Both kids are attaining well (thriving) at school(...because school has boundaries) and no diagnosis. I have no idea what his mates must think about him not knowing how to tie his shoelaces DP raised this as a concern with DSS last year when they were trying to find velcro shoes...DSS didn't seem the slightest bit phased and just wanted velcro shoes at all costs...

If they are thriving at school and attaining well then they obviously don't have any developmental delays! You just don't like the way they have been parented and are trying to put labels on them.

@squishy20 I also have a first class degree (sw), older dc, extensive attachment and trauma training. I also share the same feelings as you.

I probably could have stuck it out with the eow and weeknight but my dss was with us 50% and I just couldn't do it.

It's very frustrating seeing how a child is being damaged by rubbish but not rubbish enough for SS involvement parenting.

My stb ex h is going to counselling to learn how to create boundaries, boundaries with himself, his son and his ex. I hope he manages it as being ruled by an 8 yr old isn't a great life. It's not great for the 8 Yr old either. Those of us in social work/therapy types of professions understand the importance of consistency and boundaries, the two main things missing from nrp dads imo.

Your dp needs to have his own counselling or healing journey. He's probably got trauma from being a nrp and hopefully is able to do something about it now he can see it. He needs to learn how to assert without being aggressive or giving in. My h doesn't believe in textbooks when it comes to dss behaviour and anxiety challenges 🙄 so he can see the problems but won't do anything that pushes him out of his comfort zone to sort.

@seekinglondonlife

If they are thriving at school and attaining well then they obviously don't have any developmental delays! You just don't like the way they have been parented and are trying to put labels on them.

It possible for someone to thrive academically and struggle emotionally and socially?! Someone can be a whizz at algebra but socially inept!

The label is irrelevant and just something you’ve chosen to get hung up on and one tiny part of the picture of the situation I’ve described. Thanks for your non constructive contribution.

[quote SnowWhitesSM]@squishy20 I also have a first class degree (sw), older dc, extensive attachment and trauma training. I also share the same feelings as you.

I probably could have stuck it out with the eow and weeknight but my dss was with us 50% and I just couldn't do it.

It's very frustrating seeing how a child is being damaged by rubbish but not rubbish enough for SS involvement parenting.

My stb ex h is going to counselling to learn how to create boundaries, boundaries with himself, his son and his ex. I hope he manages it as being ruled by an 8 yr old isn't a great life. It's not great for the 8 Yr old either. Those of us in social work/therapy types of professions understand the importance of consistency and boundaries, the two main things missing from nrp dads imo.

Your dp needs to have his own counselling or healing journey. He's probably got trauma from being a nrp and hopefully is able to do something about it now he can see it. He needs to learn how to assert without being aggressive or giving in. My h doesn't believe in textbooks when it comes to dss behaviour and anxiety challenges 🙄 so he can see the problems but won't do anything that pushes him out of his comfort zone to sort.[/quote]
This sounds like a very difficult journey to have been through for all involved. My dissertation was in nurturing attachments, so I think we’re coming from the same child-centred place here.

I’m lucky that my DP values me, values us (our relationship) and values the relationship with his children (what is hard is the blend of all of that). I hope that he finds the strength within to push for what he wants and I’ll be there to support him on the way. It’s definitely not gonna be easy.
My DP believes in text books… he just isn’t a reader, so hence he turns to me for guidance.

I don’t think your partner has his children often enough to parent them his way, if his and his exes parenting styles are different. Their default home is likely their mum’s house and her parenting style is their norm.

If seeing them more isn’t an option, I think he just needs to make the most of a bad situation. Concentrate on finding activities that get them (happily) away from their screens and chat about how people’s actions impact other people (not necessarily in an accusatory way… more like watch a film or tv show and bring up how a character’s feelings were hurt etc). I’d ignore what you can and concentrate on the biggest issues.

It’s also worth being aware that if he stops seeing his children because of an ultimatum, they might turn this around internally into him not caring. Especially if their mum isn’t likely to set them straight. There are a lot of hormonal years before they’ll truly be able to see the bigger picture and by then their relationship could be ruined.

Good luck .

OP is contact Court ordered?

If not they are a bit old to start the battle of my way or I don't care if you go home because as Just10moreminutesplease they can just refuse to turn up.

In regards to screens the trick is to try not to allow them on it in the morning when they wake up e.g. the router is down so they have to go out with their dad for a few hours.

Thanks @Just10moreminutesplease I hear what you’re saying and it’s a fine line and difficult balance.

@RedWingBoots not court ordered.
Ordinarily I would not want to go down the route of telling porky pies, but as a strategy to navigate through this, suddenly starting to experience instability in our internet connection of a morning may be a way to instigate some changes!

It is ridiculous to describe them as having developmental delays. They may not be very well mannered and you dislike the way they have been parented but that is not a developmental delay!

They may have been mollycoddled and spoiled. They are allowed to spend too long on screens which is very common but you seem to be over analysing it. The way you talk about your dp needing your guidance is also odd. Your dp runs the risk of alienating his children because of your overbearing approach.

Indeed @cansu, it's really offensive to those of us who have dc with actual developmental delays. The ones that are apparent both at home and at school.

Also OP you are their dads girlfriend and haven't been in their lives long enough to be able to interfere to such a degree.

@cansu are you trying out for step parenting bingo or something. Next you will be directly implying child abuse.

Look at the OP - "interfering" with the SC because she's trying to help dad to help them develop basic skills. What a awful stepmom. Let's string her up now right ? Before she goes mad and teaches the SC how to tie his shoe laces and the damage will be irreparable after that 🙄😂

Sometimes it can be difficult to recognize and accept that there are many routes to the same destination and outcomes. The way that you reared your children probably produced positive outcomes but there does not seem to believe that these children won't become successful and productive adults.
Parenting is not necessarily designed to be a triad or polygamous experience. Many women would object to being in a quasi sister wife experience , but often fail to understand how this quasi sister/parenting process can be confusing and counter productive even when done with the best of intentions.

Step back and be a partner but not so much of a teacher/parenting figure. Let him find his way with his children. You reared your children as you saw fit. These children have 2 parents who should be free to do the same. Obviously, they seem to be thriving in school where there is only 1 authority figure. Maybe in their living situations fewer authority figures might be beneficial.

Caring about them can happen without your overt involvement.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@cansu are you trying out for step parenting bingo or something. Next you will be directly implying child abuse.

Look at the OP - "interfering" with the SC because she's trying to help dad to help them develop basic skills. What a awful stepmom. Let's string her up now right ? Before she goes mad and teaches the SC how to tie his shoe laces and the damage will be irreparable after that 🙄😂[/quote]
Going for a full house!!!

This board…

“But think of the kids…”

Also this board…

“… back away from thinking about the kids”

The only person who has any judgement on my involvement with the kids (or more so should have a say in supporting his parenting) is my DP, so I may be “just his gf”, but that’s his call to make, not any of yours.

It’s also very narrow minded and somewhat short sighted to think that the ONLY way to raise kids is having 2 birth parents to guide them through life… family life can be a combination of adults who have influence in that child’s life. Some children are raised single handedly by one parent, whereas some have huge involvement with grandparents, neighbours, family friends, teachers, Scout leaders, aunts, uncles, childminders, nannies. These adults have influence and one would hope they all support the parents in raising the child. This is no different for step parents. My DP has welcomed me into his life, which includes his children.