Issues

[plum81]

Hi 'be been married for nearly 4 years my husband has a 12 year old son. I do love my stepson but sometimes he's displayed behaviour that I find really quite hurtful. I make an effort with him to spend time and do things together.
I found on a few occasions he's 'telling tales' back to his mother who then gets quite confrontational instead of politely asking what the issue is if any.
2 years ago my dog who my SS was fond of had cancer and eventually had to be put to sleep. I discussed this with my husband who agreed that SS didn't need to know the details of my dogs illness ( as this would really upset him) . So when the time came he was told that my dog died in her sleep. Apparently this wasn't good enough for SS mother as she demanded that my husband tell their son about my dogs illness. ( not me as it was my dog) couldn't understand the logic or the horrible text she sent me telling me I'll never be my SS's mother etc. my husband supported me eventually. It left me upset though.
Recently we had an issue regarding SS teeth. One of his 'baby' teeth fell out. I asked him what he felt about the tooth fairy he said not bothered. He put the tooth on the bin. Then rang his mummy to say I made him! I felt he was trying to cause issues. I think He felt that he was missing out on the money from the tooth fairy . Even though he gets pocket money from me every month and dies very little to earn it. I was going to buy him something anyway but I don't think I will now.
Is it me?

Why are you communicating with his mother?

You aren't your SS parent so you should not be communicating or contacting her directly, and vice versa.

You all have inappropriate boundaries.

All communication about your SS should go to your husband so you should tell your husband this and block her.

In regards to your SS if he tells tales about you to his mother then it is for your husband to deal with.

Why because I'm an adult . The communication was through my husband actually. I don't think there's any reason for step parents to be treated with so much disrespect.

I am a SM and also has SMs.

Children of divorced/separated parents can easily play their parents off each other when it's clear their parents hate/strongly dislike each other and don't have appropriate boundaries, and using a third party like a step-parent makes it easily.

Your husband needs to deal with his son's behaviour.

Your husband also needs to be mindful of what he tells you and when.

Also it is for his parents to give him pocket money. You should only give him money if he does a job for you. I've been an aunt for decades and it's amusing how i some children can come up with jobs to get money off me.

Being a step parent is hard 💐 what redwings has put it right though, not because you cant do it or don't have the right to do it, it's because for your own MH and well-being you shouldn't and DH should be protecting you from his ex who can't act in a respect manner, you have tried, now to take a different tact. She won't change and by all accounts seems to be enjoying beating you with every stick her child tells her about.

What does DH say about the tall tales ?

You absolutely shouldn't be giving him pocket money though it's a lovely thing to do and I know it comes from a good place but to many step mums fill in the cracks for dads who should be doing the emotional and sometimes financial labour of child rearing.

@plum81

Why because I'm an adult . The communication was through my husband actually. I don't think there's any reason for step parents to be treated with so much disrespect.

Why is your husband telling her your dog was put down?! It's none of her business.

Perhaps it would have been more appropriate to let him manage his tooth as he usually did. He probably would have brought it him to his mom or whatever their typical arrangement might be.

In any case, treat as a lesson learned. Don't interject yourself unnecessarily in situations where there is no need. Telling the kid to do what he normally does is pretty much a safe bet. You may have put him in an uncomfortable position by asking a 12_year old about the tooth fairy.

If you give pocket money with expectations , then you should clarify what those expectations are. If it is money freely and lovingly given, then why should it stop?

It sounds as though mom and dad do not have a mutually agreed upon parenting style. Let them work through their issues. Not much to be gained by becoming overly involved.

Speak not a word to ss without your dh there. Then nothing you say can be misconstrued. Tell dh this is what is happening.
Until he speaks to his ds and tells him to be more respectful.
Block the dm.

Dh needs to step up. You should not be caught up in his dc's games..

And why are you giving him money? He has 2 parents to do that.

Asking your stepson about the tooth fairy is not being 'overly involved' smh.

Sorry you have to deal with this OP. So inappropriate of his mum to say the things she does, that is so far out of line. I do agree that your SO needs to set clearer boundaries about what is ok to be discussed. She shouldn't even know the details about your dog's illness.

It sounds like your stepson has loyalty issues which are more than likely encouraged by his mother. It's sad but unfortunately not much to do about it other than for you and your SO to limit what you share with her completely.

Thanks for the responses.
I think the issue with the tooth was that SS was asked by my husband and by me what he felt about the tooth issues. SS then changed tact when spoken to by his mother.
My husband has had a long chat with SS and basically told him that it's not fair to make a decision and then change his mind.
Which SS has accepted and apologised for his actions.
As regards his pocket money. Well I do love my step son and I'm afraid my nature is to be generous. Perhaps he needs to earn this a little more.
As regards SS's mother I prefer to have no contact with her. She doesn't like the fact I have a ( usually close) relationship with her child and this shows as she's made nasty comments before. My husband has stood up for me and won't let me be insulted. It's annoying that she keeps adding me on Facebook. I don't want to see her on there. I only speak to her if I absolutely have to, she doesn't like me and the feeling is how mutual. It doesn't affect SS as he doesn't know I don't like his mother.

SO GOOD that he understood what happened and apologised. So pleased for you OP. That is some good parenting on yours and SO's side.

I hope mum can get some help with her jealousy issues and work towards creating a positive relationship with you and yours.

You should just block her on Facebook. I blocked my husband’s ex.

I think that I would have assumed that a 12 year old would have managed his tooth in whatever manner he normally did. I think even if his mom still entertained a tooth fairy tradition with a 12_year old, he quite possibly might have found it embarrassing to mention it to you .

Surely, after 12_years, his father should be somewhat acquainted with his son's various traditions.

It seems as though the parents should be doing a better job of communicating. None if those issues are situations in which the child should be caught in the middle.

It can't be a good thing for the child to either need to apologize or to explain such relatively minor things. Life should not be so unnecessarily complex at age 12.

@Tattler2

I think that I would have assumed that a 12 year old would have managed his tooth in whatever manner he normally did. I think even if his mom still entertained a tooth fairy tradition with a 12_year old, he quite possibly might have found it embarrassing to mention it to you .

Surely, after 12_years, his father should be somewhat acquainted with his son's various traditions.

It seems as though the parents should be doing a better job of communicating. None if those issues are situations in which the child should be caught in the middle.

It can't be a good thing for the child to either need to apologize or to explain such relatively minor things. Life should not be so unnecessarily complex at age 12.

No he's not usually embarrassed to be fair. I don't think all the fuss over a tooth was necessary. Neither does his dad. Easy to decided what you think has been assumed when you're not in the situation. The tooth was discussed with ss and his dad as well and it wasn't an issue until he spoke to his mum.

@TheWickedStepmum88

SO GOOD that he understood what happened and apologised. So pleased for you OP. That is some good parenting on yours and SO's side.

I hope mum can get some help with her jealousy issues and work towards creating a positive relationship with you and yours.

Yes thank you. I hope so too.