Step grand-parenting?

[Covidtrap]

Hi im just curious if you are/where pretty much a single parent. How do your partners family treat your child? Would you say they make the same effort as their partners biological child to ex or are they obviously welcoming of child but dont both with christmas and birthday presents etc. Im asking this broadly so not just grandparents really

My son used to be with a woman with 2 children (he has 2 himself) and they called me Gran, my husband Grandad (they chose to, it hadn't been suggested by anyone). We bought them presents for birthdays, Christmas, Easter. Spent the same amount on them as our son's kids. Paid for all of them to go away for a week, drove them there, gave them spending money, I even used to collect the youngest SC from nursery 4 times a week, babysat those afternoons, did the ironing. When my son split with her, she ignored me, got her kids to ignore us. I expect they're now calling some other bloke's parents gran and Grandad.

@KylieKoKo I had step grandparents and grandparents and depending on the treatment of children, I would say has an impact on how they are treated in old age.
One step gran (step dads mum) passed away a few years ago, I visited her monthly or weekly when possible in the home, before that I visited her at home, gave her tablets, did shopping and made her jam sandwiches and sweet tea. When she lived with my parents, I often granny sat and spent many evening chatting about the world. Her bio grandchildren never once visited her in the home
She was a lovely woman who treated me and my sister the same as my step brothers and sister and step cousins from day one. They didn’t spoil anyone and I was 11 when I met her yet made me feel part of the family from the moment we met.

Had she made me feel unwelcome or not a family member, I’m not sure I would have been as willing. She was my granny, my children knew her as granny and i don’t think anyone would know differently now

@MyQuietPlace that is sad that you don’t have contact, it can the same in a nuclear family though, I left my ex and have hardly said two words to his parents in the 5 years since. They have hardly seen my dc as when I did ask them to arrange a visit apparently my ex wouldn’t be happy with me arranging that so Iv left it’s

Maybe your sons ex thinks you don’t want to hear from them? How would your son feel about it?
You’re allowed to stay friends with people who come into your life for any reason

@PostingForTheFirstTime I love your story, I wish everyone was like this
I don’t know why people need to treat differently, I’m not sure what is gained from it, except giving the grandchildren and sense of importance over the step grandchildren and making the step grandchildren feel rubbish about themselves.
If they don’t see them, then on rare occasions they can treat all the same and if they do see them often then they are family

[quote Redroomgal]@PostingForTheFirstTime I love your story, I wish everyone was like this
I don’t know why people need to treat differently, I’m not sure what is gained from it, except giving the grandchildren and sense of importance over the step grandchildren and making the step grandchildren feel rubbish about themselves.
If they don’t see them, then on rare occasions they can treat all the same and if they do see them often then they are family[/quote]
Respectfully, this is a bit naive.

It's not about "needing" to treat them differently, or wanting to make a point out of it, they just do have a totally different role and relevancy in their life.

The rare occasions my parents see my SC are not Christmas Day, so naturally it ends up that they spoil my DD on many occasions that my DSS doesn't even factor into, but even if they did see him on occasions where treating occurs, it would be madness to expect them to spend the same on a child they barely know as their own beloved grandchild that they spend hundreds on, as well as devote loads of time and energy to thinking about. Why would you expect them to feel the same about an older child they've met 3/4 times as they do about a grandchild they've doted on daily since before she was born? Equally, why would an older child feel the same about some adults they've met 3/4 times as they do about grandparents that have doted on them since they were born?

I agree it’s completely naive and ignores the myriad, complex situations that fall under the heading ‘stepfamily’.

It’s also insisting that people who have different experiences are emotionally or morally deficient. And that’s neither fair nor true. You have no idea what dynamics and circumstances are at play.

You cannot treat children with whom you have a close relationship the same as children you see once a year. Superficially, you can do things like spend the same money on presents for them (which is so often what people on MN seem to reduce things to). But you cannot change the obvious differences in emotional connection that will be apparent to all the children. For one child, this is gran who looks after her every week and knows her really well; for the other, it’s an awkward visit to an old lady where neither of you know each other at all well and have no real emotional connection. There’s just no getting over that.

I’d also suggest that many parents would have an issue with a total stranger scooping up their 3 year old they’ve just met and giving them a kiss… just as many as people who might see it as a positive.

There’s also the simple fact that children are people with agency. They may well have their own thoughts and reasons for rejecting their stepmother’s family. All sorts of loyalty issues and needs to assert themselves amidst situations they feel out of control in.

Maybe it’s best for those children who most certainly do not and do not want to feel part of that family if people don’t impose that on them. Maybe being treated differently (not unkindly - just differently) is what they need not something that makes them feel bad about themselves.

@aSofaNearYou I’m not talking about when only seeing them rarely and every case is different.
What I mean is if seeing regularly and call themselves step grand parents then yes they should be treated the same. My dsc see my parents most weeks, they have a relationship with them and I want to make sure my dsc feel part of my family, as do my parents.
I see my MIL about once a month with my dc and my dsc. On a few occasions I did take all the children to visit on my own as my dp is extremely busy at work. She did not treat the children the same and so I have decided to take a step back.

@BurntToastAgain no one has rejected anyones family, my dsc love visiting my parents and siblings and call their children cousins. If they didn’t want to be part of it then they don’t have to be, no one makes them ask for to see their “cousins”. I’v grown closer to some of my step family over the years than my bio family.

I have a massive family, some blood and some not but are all treated equally. Some adopted, some fostered some through marriages and blended families. It’s not straight forward but Christmas presents are all equally spent, when children visit, whoever they are, all treated with love and kindness and equally.

If my dc come home from their dad with extra treats then they happily share with everyone around. Whoever is there.

It’s the adults who don’t allow or want to treat equally that is upsetting to me. I know the deeper connection is with own grandchildren, especially in the beginning but we can choose to love our extended families and what’s wrong with extra people to share that with?
I have my dsc a lot, they are young and I don’t want anyone to make them or my own dc feel unwanted upset when their step siblings get different treatment.

Ultimately, every family is different and I would probably feel different if I didn’t have a massive part in my dsc lives.

It’s the adults who don’t allow or want to treat equally that is upsetting to me. I know the deeper connection is with own grandchildren, especially in the beginning but we can choose to love our extended families and what’s wrong with extra people to share that with?

You are still blaming individuals rather than considering why or what the wider dynamics are though.

aSofaNearYou I’m not talking about when only seeing them rarely and every case is different.
What I mean is if seeing regularly and call themselves step grand parents then yes they should be treated the same

People that actively call themselves step grandparents usually do treat them the same. But as a blanket rule seeing them often does not necessarily mean that bond is there, and many people do not attempt to refer to themselves as step grandparents.

@redroomgal I'm sure that meant the world to her.

It just seems instinctual to me to treat them all the same. Not something I even have to think about - why would you feel the need to mark a difference?

I don't think my parents are making a conscious decision to "mark the difference" between their grandchildren and dp's children. They just aren't related to them and have spent far less time with them so their relationships aren't comparible. I think the dscs would find it weird if these two random old people they've met only a few times started acting like grandparents to them.

DP only has a biological child with me but I have DD from a previous relationship. His family treat both my girls equally. They accepted and adored my DD from when they first met her and they are now just family to her. Extra aunts, uncles and cousins etc.

My own step-dad is grandad to both my girls and with their ages they have never questioned how they have an extra grandad that isn't my dad, to step-dad they are just his grandchildren and that's it. To his mum, my children are her great-grandchildren and it's truly lovely, she knitted the most beautiful cardigans for both my girls when they were born as she did for all her biological grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Very lucky in that respect. Sadly my own mother isn't as wonderful with step-dads children and grandchildren as he is with her children and grandchildren.

Thank you all for your replies. It has given me hope that for the most they are positive and that DSC are welcomed into the family. I am a single parent to a 2 year cold currently dating a guy who has 50/50 custody of daughter. We have discussed me and my son moving closer to him and his family but it would mean my son wouldnt see my family perhaps once/twice a year so it is so important to me that he feels included and is treated as near to equal as possible as i would be choosing to take him away from his own GP/aunties etc.

Honestly @mistysnow my advice would be to plan to visit your own family more often rather than hoping that your dp's family act in any particular way. The first is much more within your control and going in with high expectations can lead to disappointment and resentment. Hopefully your dp's family will form their own relationship with your child overtime but I don't think you should seek to replace the relationship with your family with one from his.