Step grand-parenting?

[Covidtrap]

Hi im just curious if you are/where pretty much a single parent. How do your partners family treat your child? Would you say they make the same effort as their partners biological child to ex or are they obviously welcoming of child but dont both with christmas and birthday presents etc. Im asking this broadly so not just grandparents really

Apologies for my typos. It should say do they make the same effort as they do to say your partners biological child from previous relationship. And also bother**
Basically do you feel your child is included in the extended family and made to feel welcome.

My step children are treated by my wider family as if they were my biological children with regards birthdays and Christmas, they came into my life as young teens and are a few years older than my nephews and nieces so tend to get chocolate and money in a card rather than presents but that is more to do with their age than distance of relationship. It did take a little getting used to for my step kids when they discovered a large extended family had just slotted them in.

My parents were always warm and welcoming to exdsc. Always delighted to see them and had little catch up conversations when it had been a while. Bought them lovely things for birthdays and at Christmas and took them to the park, playcentre or whatever if they were coming to pick my children up. Gave them sweets if my children were having sweets etc… Even now two years after me splitting with my ex, dsc was given money for birthday and Christmas. I think my parents have always treated dsc very well.

Their relationship with their biological children has always been different though. It’s just closer and my parents play a huge part in their upbringing, whereas with dsc it was more of a happy to see you as and when sort of thing if you get me.
A lot more of their time and efforts have been poured in to my children over the years.

My parents are kind to DP's children when they see them but they don't treat them in the same way as they do my neice and nephew (their grandchildren). Just as my DSDs don't treat my parents in the same way as they do their own grandparents.

I don't think trying to force family relationships that aren't there is a good strategy. I think everyone is happier if they can get to know each other at a natural place without pressure or expectations.

I'm the step child in this case. My step-dads wider family always treat me as equal to my half sister and step cousins but my (recently widowed) step grandmother has always treated me differently. Example being, I am NC with my bio dad and have been for decades so I see my step dad as my real Dad for which my step grandmother knows all of this, at my step grandfather's funeral she would make a point of introducing me as the step daughter to everyone at the funeral whilst I was stood next to my sister instead of just saying "these are my granddaughters" bearing in mind she has known me since I was 7!

My DP has his son EOW, and I am the SP. Of my family, only my mum, dad and sister have met DSS, and that's only a handful of times. My mum buys him a token gift on Christmas and they all occasionally ask how he's doing, but that's about it.

I think this is very different from what you might expect in a situation where the step parent lives with the kids full time as you've said in your post, but this is the step parenting board so you're more likely to find people in set ups like mine.

I also agree with PPs saying it's better if you don't go in with expectations and resentments over whether they see your kid exactly like your grandkids, it will not endear you or the kids to them and make it far less likely a bond like that will be able to grow naturally.

I’m a step grandparent. I’ve been in their lives from birth and to me they are no different from my biological grandchildren. However this is probably because their biological maternal grandmother died years before they were born so it probably would be a different scenario
My parents were also step grandparents and treated them all the same.
However every situation is different

My mum buys Christmas and birthday presents for DSS as much as DS. She used to get him more of a token gift bit since the birth of DS she makes a point that there treated the same by her. This is something I find quite sweet of her and really appreciate.

My wider family dont. I also dont necessarily expect it of grandparents especially if the stepchild already has 2 sets of involved grandparents.

My parents are kind and welcoming to my step children. Always buy them a decent birthday and Christmas present.
Obviously their relationship with their biological grandchildren is completely different but they doesn't stop them being kind and including them within the family. X

@Ginqueen456

I'm the step child in this case. My step-dads wider family always treat me as equal to my half sister and step cousins but my (recently widowed) step grandmother has always treated me differently. Example being, I am NC with my bio dad and have been for decades so I see my step dad as my real Dad for which my step grandmother knows all of this, at my step grandfather's funeral she would make a point of introducing me as the step daughter to everyone at the funeral whilst I was stood next to my sister instead of just saying "these are my granddaughters" bearing in mind she has known me since I was 7!

I see your point completely but that's a really odd example to use surely?!

I would probably expect a gathering of wider family and especially at the funeral of the person being discussed, as one of the only situations where you would differentiate between blood and step relations?

I wouldn't think that many people would introduce someone as the granddaughter of X, at X's own funeral, to X's own relations. They would quite possibly know that he had 1 not 2 granddaughters and it would be quite weird!

When I had a DSS, my parents used to get him a lovely Christmas and birthday gift, bearing in one they only saw him about 3 times a year, Christmas and birthday being 2 of those occasions. Now I'm no longer with his Dad, they don't see him at all (neither do I).

They have a completely different relationship with my DC, who they see almost every day. Lots of presents at Christmas and birthday, plus they take them out in their own regularly. I should also add that none of the presents were given to my DC in front of EXDSS.

My DH's parents have welcomed my DC with open arms. They don't necessarily treat them the same but they do give them very generous Christmas and Birthday presents...if we go out for dinner they pay for my children as well, always have done since the day they met them. They'd look after them if I needed them to but mine are older and don't need it.

My family started off always giving presents to the DSC but in 10 years never so much as received a thank you or any acknowledgement. DSC have been clear they don't see my family as their family so I've told mine to stop bothering especially now that DSC are late teens. I don't know how it will be when/if DSC have children and I am the stepgran. I think I'll be led by them and what involvement they would like. I buy all the Christmas/birthday gifts for DSC and I spend the same on them as our DC together but I don't think that will translate into stepgrandkids but who knows.

My parents again gave money at Christmas and birthday but my son got way more consistently throughout the year, however my partner has 3 children so it was a lot to take on, I met them at 8/9 & 11 so they didn't need a new family in the form of my parents etc they had good grandparents on mum and dads side so mine never really got involved massively.

Does child have no dad in the picture or dads family supporting your child? X

My family are kind to my DSC and get them token gifts but that's all really. They don't treat them like their grandchildren and they have a much closer relationship with my DC.

But then I'd never expect them to, my DSC have their own grandparents, aunts and uncles etc.. who they see much more often and are much closer to than my family.

And to be perfectly honest I like that my DC have people who spoil them a bit and aren't always tripping over themselves to be falsely "fair". My DSC have that with their own mum's family, my DC deserve it with mine.

My parents got five kids in the following order:

• Step granddaughter through my Brother's relationship
• Grandson through my Brother's relationship
• 2 x Step granddaughters through my relationship
• Granddaughter through my relationship.

They've treated "equally" in as much as geography allowed. My brother's SD was only two when they got together and they lived very close so were actively part of the her life. Shortly after his son was born they moved into a flat above my brother and saw him every day (amazingly this arrangement worked out for everyone without any tenson.)

I'd emmigrated by the time I got with my partner. My SDs couldn't speak English when I met them. But there's always been gifts for them and lots of hugs and affection when we or they visit. It was wonderful seeing my eldest SD be able to talk to them in English for the first time when we visited in the Autumn, after not seeing them for two years due to COVID.

They eventually emmigrated too (to somewhere else.) My Step niece decided to go abroad and study there for university, and they were a major part of her life. Whilst over there she had a baby boy (in the middle of her education, which she still managed to ace after a short break - she's awesome.) My parents helped a lot there so were closer to the little lad than any of the biological Grandparents or Great Grandparents.

I'm occasionally a little sad that my girls (biological or otherwise) will never know the same bond, but it was my decision to emigrate and I know my parents show all the love they can in the situation. Both SDs have made it clear they feel like family to them.

My family rarely sees my SKs. My in laws on the other hand do, and make a clear difference between my DC and the my SKs.

I think it depends very much on the nature of the relationship. eg, I have no doubt that if DH had had a child before we met and that child was a large part of my life, my parents would have treated the child similarly. On the other hand, if the stepchild only sees the parent and step parent once every other weekend, and therefore only sees the step grandparents once a year, I'd expect engagement to be less.

Having said that, in our family, ALL children, no matter who they are, are treated at Christmas. So in previous years we've had DH's nieces and nephews with us and if my parents/siblings are also there at christmas, they will all get gifts (albeit not huge flashy ones). Similarly, if MIL/SIL is spending christmas with us, they will always get gifts for my nephews and nieces.

My parents treat all grandchildren the same, regardless of who is blood and who isn't. They all have the same spent at birthdays and Christmas. They all get treats, are chauffeured where they need to be, have sleepovers the same. The only difference is there savings. The grandchildren who are blood get more put into a savings account than the others. The reason being that the others should have other family who can be saving for them. Not a single one of the children know they have a savings account though and as they are all different ages, they won't get the money at the same time so hopefully won't ever think about who got more on their 18th

My parents treat all grandchildren as equals regardless of blood. Especially in front of each other (distance means they can’t all be treated the same) My partner is welcomed into and is part of my family and he comes with two children.

I would be upset if my parents and sister didn’t include his children (same ages as my own) and accept them all as part of the family.

My partner is wonderful and my parents love him, his children are part of the package.

His children do have other grandparents, aunts and uncles who haven't treated them equally so I can understand that some find extended families harder to accept, I have stepped back from his family because of this. I am however still polite and now only visit when my partner arranges it and don’t instigate conversations

Just out of interest, would anyone expect adult step grandchildren to treat their step grandparents equally to their own? (eg visiting them regularly, helping them out with shopping as they get elderly etc.)

My family welcomed my dsc and is treated like all the other grandkids - included in all family events etc.
My in laws have known my children (dh not their dad) since babies and whilst they tell everyone they have 3 grandchildren - DSC is obviously favoured ( has his own room in their house, has him regularly for sleepovers/ tea etc) so I’m pulling back and discouraging it before my dc’s are aware. It’s a shame because it now means the relationship with my in laws is almost nonexistent but I don’t want my dc’s to be in a position they accept that kind of behaviour.

My MiL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren the same. Nor do my (STBE)H’s siblings. Never mind even acknowledging my children’s existence.

MIL hugely favours SD over her brother in horrendously obvious ways. She favours the SC over her youngest grandchild (our baby). She’s outright nasty about DS3 - for example, said he was bound to have inherited the ‘genetic inferiority’ in FIL’s family since the SC are so wonderful and it must come out.

Neither of H’s siblings have even met our 1.5 year old. They’ve seen the SC several times in the last year and a half. And H has been to visit his brother. So I can only assume they are not interested in their youngest nephew.

Given the above, it’s unsurprising that none of them give any shits about my children.

I've been married to my second husband for 23 years. We both have two children from our first marriage.

DH's parents have right from the first time we met them made no distinction between my children and my DFH's children. From the very first visit, where they scooped up my three-year-old, gave her a big kiss and said "Hello, you must be ".

Birthdays, Christmas, visits to see them (they live abroad). No difference at all. All four children are now in their 30's, and all four kids adore DH's parents. (They are lovely people.)

I have step-grandchildren (by different routes - my stepdaughter has two children, and one of my daughters is a stepmother) and I follow their lead. It just seems instinctual to me to treat them all the same. Not something I even have to think about - why would you feel the need to mark a difference?