Help and advice please

[Sera67]

Hello All
If there's already a thread, please let me know, thanks. NC for my first post although I've been a long time member and it could be outing. I would really appreciate and be most grateful for all advice and help about what it means to be a SM before I make certain decisions.

I am a middle aged, widowed mother of 3 and my youngest will leave the nest soon. For the last 2 years, I've been in a mostly happy relationship with "Guy" who is divorced and shares custody of his primary school age child with his ex. Guy is very serious about our relationship and was always keen to introduce me to his child quite early on which I resisted. I read up about it and understood it was best to wait until we knew if our relationship would develop to be long term at least, for the sake of all the children. The kids have all met each other and I spend time with Guy and his child and Guy spends time with me and my kids. So far so good.

Guy and his ex do not co parent in the sense of sharing information about their child or being mutually supportive. At all. Their communication is at a cold and minimum level. I know he has tried his best to improve this situation but she has always rejected his every effort. His ex cheated throughout their long marriage, filed for divorce and has been engaged for some time already.

I have never dated much and never been in a situation where a gf or ex wife was still in the picture so to speak so I feel totally ignorant about how to best approach my current situation especially where there's a child involved. What are the ground rules I need to know about, what are the pitfalls as well as the positives? My worry is that so far, even though our paths have never crossed, it's bound to in future if Guy and I live together. I just dread it because I simply don't know what to do when he struggles to maintain civil communication with her let alone a more amicable relationship for the sake of their child? I never want or expect to be friends with her, only a polite acceptance I suppose.
Thanks a lot.

Have you given any serious thought about how your life will change if you have to start life with a primary school age child agaIn? Life cycles and stages are not always meant to be regressive. I don't know that I would be as concerned about the ex as I would be about starting over a process that I had essentially expected to be completed.

Now can be a time in your life that you can travel or do things that you have likely delayed doing for your self.

In terms of his ex, there is no reason to think that their relationship will change. If she is distant with him, it is probable that she will keep her distance from you.

If you have a good relationship as things stand, I would be hesitant to make any changes. Let things continue to evolve at the current pace

If the relationship is challenging between your dp and his ex wife I would suggest you stay out of it. If you have been dating a few years now and your paths haven't crossed will there be any need for them too?

I don't plan to have any relationship with my ex gf. I don't need too. She is kind to the children and that is all I need to know. Ex does the pick up/drop offs.

Others may have/want a more friendly relationship but it isn't always possible or necessary.

Number one thing is absolutely do not let him manoeuvre you into the position of girlfriend/nanny.

As much as you'll want to show willing and have the best intentions towards the children, as soon as you start agreeing to 'help him out' with school runs and whatnot, it's a slippery slope towards regularly finding yourself in sole charge of his kids for the weekend while he buggers off to play golf or on an eight hour bike ride.

Forgot to add that you should have really stick boundaries around how far you're willing to get involved and stick to them. Don't let anyone use emotional blackmail - 'think of the children' - to guilt trip you.

And if he doesn't have good boundaries with his ex, think very seriously about whether that's something you can put up with for the duration of your relationship. Because it will be unlikely to change.

Do you really want to start again with all the parenting stuff of a young child?

Plus an awkward ex?

Is he pushing wanting to live together? Would you be happier dating while living apart for the foreseeable, enjoying his childfree time and doing your own thing when he’s got his son?

My own experience is we’re many years down the line, married, shared child and DH has next to no relationship of any kind with his ex, I’ve never officially met her though we’ve been in the same room for kid stuff (me there at their request), never swapped numbers or anything. It’s fine. I have no reason to want to know the woman and DH is keen to keep her at arms length, works for us.

Honestly op don't live with him and his primary aged dc. You've got freedom looming. Imagine sticky fingers and unpulled flushes again

@Tattler2

Have you given any serious thought about how your life will change if you have to start life with a primary school age child agaIn? Life cycles and stages are not always meant to be regressive. I don't know that I would be as concerned about the ex as I would be about starting over a process that I had essentially expected to be completed.

Now can be a time in your life that you can travel or do things that you have likely delayed doing for your self.

In terms of his ex, there is no reason to think that their relationship will change. If she is distant with him, it is probable that she will keep her distance from you.

If you have a good relationship as things stand, I would be hesitant to make any changes. Let things continue to evolve at the current pace

I was very naive at the start and didn't think about the 'life cycles' as you put it so well. It's only been recently that it occurred to me to ask myself that same question. It would mean life going back to several years of parenting a young child and it's not impossible that I'd be a grandmother at the same time lol.

I am hoping that in the years to come the ex will become more civil with Guy but continue to keep her distance and there will be no requirement for me to have any kind of relationship with her. Of course I am willing and able to be civil with her but I know myself, if there is any kind of negativity towards or about me, it would be very, very hard to ignore.

Yes, I feel we should just let things continue as they are because there is no need for any changes currently.
Thank you very much.

@unicornsarereal72

If the relationship is challenging between your dp and his ex wife I would suggest you stay out of it. If you have been dating a few years now and your paths haven't crossed will there be any need for them too?

I don't plan to have any relationship with my ex gf. I don't need too. She is kind to the children and that is all I need to know. Ex does the pick up/drop offs.

Others may have/want a more friendly relationship but it isn't always possible or necessary.

I agree and have never wanted to be involved. They can sort things out between themselves. I was thinking more of school and social events where their child will be. Do I never attend when I know Guy fully expects me to participate if his child wants me there too? I just don't want the awkwardness of grown adults blanking each other.

Your situation sounds right for and by everyone. I do not want a relationship or friendship with her which is a very strange thing for me. Thanks so much.

@Interrobanger

Number one thing is absolutely do not let him manoeuvre you into the position of girlfriend/nanny.

As much as you'll want to show willing and have the best intentions towards the children, as soon as you start agreeing to 'help him out' with school runs and whatnot, it's a slippery slope towards regularly finding yourself in sole charge of his kids for the weekend while he buggers off to play golf or on an eight hour bike ride.

I was so clueless at first and did offer to help and then realised it really is not my responsibility at all. The child has 2 able parents and can sort things out between themselves. I have stood firm by this ever since and it's worked very well. Thank you for this.

Do I never attend when I know Guy fully expects me to participate if his child wants me there too?

This is really worrying. That and what you said about him wanting you to meet his child early on, he sounds really pushy and like his expectations are high. Do you really want to be as involved as he wants you to be? If not you should be clear with him now as this situation is about to become extremely stifling. There are other ways of doing things where you're not expected to act like a third parent.

@Interrobanger

Forgot to add that you should have really stick boundaries around how far you're willing to get involved and stick to them. Don't let anyone use emotional blackmail - 'think of the children' - to guilt trip you.

And if he doesn't have good boundaries with his ex, think very seriously about whether that's something you can put up with for the duration of your relationship. Because it will be unlikely to change.

To be fair he has never taken up my offers for help with his child at the start because mainly he does know it's unfair to me and he has always managed in his own way. I do support and encourage him to be the best single dad he can be under the circumstances emotionally which he completely appreciates.

I do question and have concerns about his boundaries with his ex and it's something that we have discussed only a couple of times. It's one thing that still upsets me the most. I agree that it is unlikely to change.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Do you really want to start again with all the parenting stuff of a young child?

Plus an awkward ex?

Is he pushing wanting to live together? Would you be happier dating while living apart for the foreseeable, enjoying his childfree time and doing your own thing when he’s got his son?

My own experience is we’re many years down the line, married, shared child and DH has next to no relationship of any kind with his ex, I’ve never officially met her though we’ve been in the same room for kid stuff (me there at their request), never swapped numbers or anything. It’s fine. I have no reason to want to know the woman and DH is keen to keep her at arms length, works for us.

No and no lol! He isn't pushing for us to live together (but it is his strongest wish), he knows I am independent and my own children are priority (over him) obviously. So our relationship has been exactly that, enjoying our time together and apart.

Your situation is how I see the ideal for us. I refuse to be drawn into any disputes or waste time and effort on pointless animosities. Thanks very much.

@aSofaNearYou

Do I never attend when I know Guy fully expects me to participate if his child wants me there too?

This is really worrying. That and what you said about him wanting you to meet his child early on, he sounds really pushy and like his expectations are high. Do you really want to be as involved as he wants you to be? If not you should be clear with him now as this situation is about to become extremely stifling. There are other ways of doing things where you're not expected to act like a third parent.

I agree and it did ring alarm bells at the start and once I decided on my boundaries regarding his child, I have had to remind him about them a few times. It's funny you mention a 'third parent', I simply don't see the need for me to be this at all, their child will always be an only child and in time I guess will likely feel stifled by each parent (if not already in the guilt ridden phase post divorce?) so the last thing the poor thing needs is another! I have never stayed over when his child has stayed over and the reverse is true. I am happy to maintain that (until our relationship further develops) to his child I am dad's good friend who is more like a kind and fun 'Aunt' than a full blown gf, if that makes sense lol. Thank you so much.

Are their contact arrangements court ordered/fixed and adhered to?

I'm not sure I'd ever live with anyone again tbh. I would be having holidays without DC weekend visits to friends etc. I want to enjoy my child free life whilst I have my health abs before DGC come along.

I would very much be with @Tattler2 & @AnneLovesGilbert on this.
Op I am at the same stage as you in that my youngest is 16 & my other two are 19 & 25.
My exh has two primary aged dc (my dc's half siblings) & the 'backwards' path his life has taken feels me with horror lol. I'm not passing judgment - I'm just saying it would not be for me.
As your dc get older it's easy to 'forget' just how demanding younger children are - that's why I mention my exh, because I 'see' up close via my dc how regulated their dad's life is & will be for a very long time.
You are coming to a point now where the world is your oyster but your partner's situation is only going to get a lot more constricted before it gets 'better'.
If you're intent on staying in the relationship my advice would be to stay very separate from his home set up. Live life how YOU want to & do not get involved with him on ANY sort of domestic level (no matter how much he would like that) - just enjoy the adult bits of the relationship.
I have been actively parenting for 25 years & there is NO WAY I would want to be back in the saddle with young kids again & I have left relationships with men with younger dc for precisely this reason, because eventually they always expected me to 'mother up'.

@RandomMess

Are their contact arrangements court ordered/fixed and adhered to?

I'm not sure I'd ever live with anyone again tbh. I would be having holidays without DC weekend visits to friends etc. I want to enjoy my child free life whilst I have my health abs before DGC come along.

Contact arrangements are not court ordered however they have always been and continue to be adhered by both. Therefore it's been easier for us to organise our time together.

I totally know what you mean about living with someone again plus my plan was to be free to travel a bit as well. It's always better to have the choice.
Thank you very much.

@Magda72

I would very much be with *@Tattler2 & @AnneLovesGilbert* on this. Op I am at the same stage as you in that my youngest is 16 & my other two are 19 & 25. My exh has two primary aged dc (my dc's half siblings) & the 'backwards' path his life has taken feels me with horror lol. I'm not passing judgment - I'm just saying it would not be for me. As your dc get older it's easy to 'forget' just how demanding younger children are - that's why I mention my exh, because I 'see' up close via my dc how regulated their dad's life is & will be for a very long time. You are coming to a point now where the world is your oyster but your partner's situation is only going to get a lot more constricted before it gets 'better'. If you're intent on staying in the relationship my advice would be to stay very separate from his home set up. Live life how YOU want to & do not get involved with him on ANY sort of domestic level (no matter how much he would like that) - just enjoy the adult bits of the relationship. I have been actively parenting for 25 years & there is NO WAY I would want to be back in the saddle with young kids again & I have left relationships with men with younger dc for precisely this reason, because eventually they always expected me to 'mother up'.

I was so clueless and thought the SM obligation was inevitable when you take on a single dad. Now, after reading other posts and all your very helpful replies here, I understand it is very much a choice for me to make. Every time. I am listening to my own feelings as well. There is no obligation especially at my time of life and I am really ok with that!

I feel a lot more confident about maintaining my boundaries and reinforcing them when necessary. No guilt, no remorse, no regrets, no pressure.
Thank you very much.