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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to get past issues with stepchilds mother

23 replies

LJayexo · 01/01/2022 18:04

Ok... so... I need help and it may sound horrible but I need to be honest. In a nutshell, been with my partner for 7 years, we have two sons under 3, a great life really, nice home and I would say apart from a few issues we have a nice relationship. He has a 9 year old, not from a previous relationship, the ex was not his girlfriend, it was more a few dates and she was pregnant, she's a bit of a strange personality, she's let on to my partner when they were seeing each other that she may be bipolar, from what my partner describe about her in the beginning I personally think it was some sort of split personality disorder but hey, I'm no doctor. They were broken up a year when I met my now fiancé and had both been seeing other people and for the first 4 years of our relationship I never met her but boy did I hear from her, she lost it when she found out about me, I'm 9 years younger than her and an air hostess and I think she was just jealous or something I don't know, but anyways she harassed me, sent messages to my partner calling me names, constantly making fake accounts on social media, but mainly, keeping her son (at the time 2,3,4,5 years old) from his dad and generally terrorising our lives.
I sat my partner down and asked what exactly happened between them, and I found out she was just split personalities, they were once out for a meal getting along all fine and he took a fry from her plate and she left the restaurant and didn't speak to him for a week, he had problem after problem with her. She has no friends and has fallen out with all of her siblings. I really can't stand this woman. What annoyed me is my fiancé didn't really stick up for me as she would keep his son away from him if he ever said anything about me
Now to the point... I absolutely can't get over my hate for her, the situation now is calm, but I feel so angry towards her, she never even bothers us anymore but I just can't seem to move past it I find myself thinking about it all the time. I was going through my own stuff at the time and she ruined that part of my life. I feel like sometimes I don't love my stepson, we get along, but I don't feel the same as I do my own sons and I carry that as guilt, I do hate when we have to pick him up from her house etc, I hate when he's here I just find the whole situation disruptive and I know this is the only reason why me and my partner have ever fought... i just can't seem to give myself and be happy when he's here, it's as if I'm living two lives...
I actually want to change and feel better towards him

OP posts:

Tattler2 · 01/01/2022 18:17

OP, if she is no longer bothering you, the issue is now yours. You might try counseling to help you let go of your issues with grudge bearing .

The ex may have issues, but it might be that you too have issues of your own with which you could benefit from professional help.

You mention that early in the relationship that you were going through your own things. Maybe both you and his ex were going through things at the same time.

There is no shame in getting help to deal with feelings that you are having trouble letting go of; unfortunately, the child has nothing to do with his mother's actions nor your feelings about his mother's actions. The ex was hanging on to the dad and you are hanging on to negative feelings and transferring them to the child.

This does not sound as though it has ever been a particularly healthy situation for the child.

The new year may be a chance to get help in letting go of past grudges and animosity.

Marmelace · 01/01/2022 18:22

Just to clarify, they were never in a relationship but were eating out together? Are you sure your partner is being totally honest with you?

MondeoFan · 01/01/2022 18:40

I'd be more inclined to be a bit nicer about her if you know she has a personality disorder or bipolar etc.
You are being incredibly mean about her.
I don't know how you will move on. She shouldn't be in the forefront of your mind anymore and obviously none of this is the stepsons fault.
Doesn't even matter if they only slept together the once - she got pregnant and your partner didn't use contraception so it's as much his fault as hers.

Aimee1987 · 01/01/2022 18:50

That does sound tough.
The first thing I would say is try to seperate your feeling towards DPs ex with those towards DSS. Logistically dont go near ex and when DP starts talking about her say that it causes you stress and you don't need to hear. She is his problem to deal with, he is the one who had a child with her.

DSS is not responsible for the actions of his mother and is probably subjected to her irratic behaviour as well. Try to focus on the stuff you like about DSS. So today he cleared the table, played really nicely with his siblings, got me a glass of milk ect.. even small things. Try not to get fixated on the bad aspects of his behaviour. My DSS is also 9 so I am fully aware that they are in that preteen stage where they have lost their baby cuteness and are fully able to push buttons but just dont engage. Leave any discipline to his dad and just be there for the fun bits. I love board games and so does DSS so when I have free time that's what we do together ( with dad as well or sometimes on our own) as it's an activity we both enjoy. What interests of your overlap with DSS? Try doing these.

Lastly dont feel guilty that you dont love him as much as you love your own children. I beat myself up so much over this when DS was born but you shouldnt. He has 2 parents he doesnt need you to be another. Be kind welcoming and open, that's what he needs. And when he annoys you that's ok because 9 year olds can be annoying.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 01/01/2022 19:15

@Marmelace

Just to clarify, they were never in a relationship but were eating out together? Are you sure your partner is being totally honest with you?

People can go on a few dates with someone without being in a "relationship"

mummytotwoboys0600 · 01/01/2022 19:18

This sounds tough and I know how you feel to an extent. I don't enjoy my home when my step children are here either. There's no personal space, never any adult time, they are always sitting on the sofa and that's "my" space and I love my child free evenings when my children are in bed. My husband doesn't send his children to bed 7 and 9 until 10pm so there's never any break. Having said that, doesn't mean I don't like them, or I'm not nice and kind to them, it's just different when they are here.
However, I do think you may now be distant from your step son because you've not developed a close friendship etc with him due to his mother. Maybe start by going out the two of you, or doing a puzzle or some baking and start a fresh with him. Good luck x

intheclouds3 · 01/01/2022 20:38

@Tattler2 @Marmelace @MondeoFan @MondeoFan @Aimee1987 @mummytotwoboys0600 * /// have changed username* /// ....thank you for the responses... to clarify they did go out to eat, they went on a a few dates yes, she fell pregnant, he went away travelling and he got a text when she was 6 month pregnant after he was back to say he will be a dad. He was shocked and absolutely devastated because he knew pretty quickly how crazy she was. However of course I appreciate he did not wear a condom due to the fact she said she was on the pill, but Yes that is on him and he owns that and dedicates any time he can for his son. He loves him so much. Her own mother told my partner it will never work with her as she jumps from man to man, she was turning 30 nere that time and I guess wanted a baby, he went to all appointments etc and has always been there for the child but not any other reason. I am really not meant to sound horrible about her I am just being honest, this woman harassed me during what was supposed to be the best time of my life being a flight attendant at the time I would land into new countries and switch on my phone and see abusive messages and my stomach would drop. Severe name calling and remarks. My Skype calls to home were ruined and so upsetting, I came home one day to find baby pictures of her son thrown across my garden with speech bubbles drawn on them that said 'my dad is shit, you are a nasty bitch' 'whore' etc etc coming from her sons mouth, in which the police had to give her a warning that time. So what was my partner's punishment? He did not see his son for 6 weeks, my partner would suffer migraines and sickness at the thought of picking son up after that as she then made a rule that he could only be picked up in a nereby car park, my partner would pull up, ready and excited to have his son and she would stick her fingers up and drive away laughing with her son in the car. A weekend break for me and him? Ok you can't see your son for weeks, It was the most sickening torcher I have ever witnessed. The reason why I stated she has a personality disorder is because that's what her mother told my partner, but her sister, brother, and ex friends just say she's bitter and jealous and always has been. I appreciate there's something wrong but she does hold down a stable job, and I'm actually not dissing her as a mother, stepson is really looked after.
Now, with that being said, she's kinda stopped the drama, it's a few years later but I'm just struggling with the fact that I know in my heart I never want to really have anything to do with her, and we don't, stepson gets picked up and dropped off and that's it, I just hate when she texts for more money or something, when she already takes CSA payments every month (as she can, not disputing that) ... I guess I feel resentful and revengeful? Yet of course I'll never act that was I just feel hate towards her, and I don't want to, I kind of want to be set free from it all. It was traumatising, I'm a fairly quiet person however a lot of friends, close family and love my family I just feel like this situation really gets the better of my a lot, it's taking a lot of energy, I don't even want to have one bad thought when stepson is coming to sleep over... it's horrible

I've came for advise and take all comments on board. Thank you

GoingBacktoSchool123 · 01/01/2022 21:09

Hmmm….I don’t think cabin crew call themselves air hostesses in 2022 (or anytime in the past decade or two).

Marmelace · 01/01/2022 21:22

He was very trusting to have set with someone he wasn't in a relationship with without a condom. Is he irresponsible in other ways?

Marmelace · 01/01/2022 21:22

Sex not set!!!!

Marmelace · 01/01/2022 21:24

@mummytotwoboys0600
Marmelace

Just to clarify, they were never in a relationship but were eating out together? Are you sure your partner is being totally honest with you?

People can go on a few dates with someone without being in a "relationship"

He still noticed that she didn't speak to him for a week though.

Qwertyyui · 01/01/2022 21:50

I found this book really useful when dealing with my DH ex. It made me realise that we are all doing things for our own reasons and she was the way she was for her own needs.

Skirts at War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict

Book by Jenna Korf and Jennifer Newcomb Marine

intheclouds3 · 01/01/2022 22:49

@GoingBacktoSchool123 ????? I don't know what's that got to do with my situation how I've said it

MondeoFan · 01/01/2022 23:30

How do your sons and her son get along? I think that's important too. What's the age difference?

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 07:48

stepson gets picked up and dropped off and that's it, I just hate when she texts for more money or something, when she already takes CSA payments every month (as she can, not disputing that)

Ok so of this is it at the moment then this is normal. So the issue here is helping you square her behaviour in the past with your lives now and how you are around her son.

It does get a bit draining having another text pop up I get that but for you this has been heightened by her past behaviour.

I think a PP's suggestion of talking therapy for yourself might be helpful, you've been through a lot.

If the behaviour starts up again and the police have to get involved again I would consider yours and your children's safety and go from there.

Mogul · 02/01/2022 10:21

Both me and OH were diagnosed with PTSD after dealing with his bat shit ex and her nonsense maybe therapy will help

cansu · 02/01/2022 10:27

I think it is unrealistic to think you will ever like her or feel different about her. Lots of people have shit situations on their lives. You just move on. I think all your hand wringing is a bit ridiculous. No you can't change what has happened. No you won't feel the same about your step son. But you just get on as well as you can. Few people have perfect families. It is what it is.

Ovenaffray · 02/01/2022 10:31

Why didn’t you block her number? You don’t know that she has a personality disorder.

I bet I’m not the only woman here to be labelled the batshit ex.

You would benefit from counselling.

BlwyddynNewydd2022 · 02/01/2022 10:37

I think you need to come to terms and understanding that your step son is not his mother. He was an inoccent baby/small child in all this at the begining by the sounds of things. He had no way to control his mother's action towards his father. He was just a pawn.

He's a little 9 year old boy, he really is the innocent party.

Whilst I understand you may not love him the same as your child, you should at least try to realise he had fuck all to do with anything, and is just a little boy who wants to spend time with his dad.

With regards to her, perfectly reasonable that you don't like the woman, perhaps some therapy on dealing with these feelings might help. If you don't want to do that you are just going to have to chalk it all up, and move on. She's pretty silent in your life now, and for the best. Move on and just leave it be, sitting dwelling over it all is just going to wind you up more and more and the feelings of resentment and anger will continue to grow.

In short. Little boy inocent and just wants to be with his dad. Ex bat shit, give a wide birth and forget about her.

Sandsnake · 02/01/2022 10:47

I would agree with counselling or therapy.

I think you rightfully feel aggrieved that she put you and your partner through hell and now has seemingly turned off the aggression and expects everything to be normal. So you and your partner are subjected to an experience that was hugely traumatic and she just carries on without any repercussions, as to raise things now would just risk her kicking off again and jeopardising your partner’s relationship with
his son. She is continuing to to live her life and you are still feeling weighed down by what happened and frustrated that she can dump all this stuff on you, ruin a time in your life and then waltz away.

I don’t think it’s at all unusual that you don’t feel the same same about your DSS as your sons - that’s pretty natural. But I think that counselling might help you deal with the injustice of the situation and avoid projecting any feelings you have about her onto her son. I think the only way forward in your situation is to let go of your feelings of anger (easier said than done!), which is where I think a counsellor would be useful.

All the best

Mogul · 02/01/2022 12:21

@sandsnake thank you for writing this part

It's how I have felt for a long time but it's good to see someone else write it

Tattler2 · 02/01/2022 12:38

@Mogul
Who can say, but perhaps she had the good judgement to seek professional help and has been able to let go of her anger. Rather than being angry that the ex us not ostensibly suffering, the OP too would be better advised to seek professional help.

Would the OP's situation be any better if the ex were also miserable?

Aderyn21 · 02/01/2022 12:40

No one can say that scattering photos with abusive messages on the front lawn isn't batshit behaviour. So while many women have been labelled the crazy ex by their former partners, sometimes the ex really is batshit!
And of course that behaviour impacts on the relationship the OP has with her stepson because it's all become linked and now she associates him with that really horrible time in her life. I think that it's quite normal that some time after an abusive situation settles down, people are able to process what happened and anger emerges as a response.
I would block her from being able to contact me or see any of my social media. Maybe your husband could arrange it so that she has a phone number for him that is different to the one everybody else has for him, so that he isn't constantly exposed to her messages? All correspondence answered in writing by email, so you have a paper trail and any threats to withhold contact are dealt with via a solicitor?
Basically control her access to you and you feel more that she is peripheral to your life and not controlling it. Don't allow her information about where you are and what you do.
I think there was great advice upthread to find common ground with your stepson because you know he's just s kid and none of this is his fault.

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