Overwhelmed

[Savannah80]

Hello. I’m interested to hear opinions / advice / experiences from people who have children and are in a relationship with someone who has children but live separately. For context, I’m a full time single mum to my DS. I live in my own house a short drive away from DP who has two DC approx 40% of the time. We’ve been together for 18 months. Basically I’m starting to feel really overwhelmed with the pressures placed upon me to spend quite a lot of my time with DP when it’s his contact time with the DC. For instance, he wants me and my DS to sleep over a couple of times per week when his kids are there so we can ‘all be together’. I work FT and hate packing overnight bags constantly so I’ve said I can’t always do this. He will take it upon himself to organise our weekends when he has his DC and if I can’t commit to all the activities, the sleepovers, the dinners, the get togethers with extended family he’ll get moody. If I’m honest after a weekend of us all being together I’m completely and utterly shattered. All the kids are under 6 but my DS has always been a great sleeper so I’m not used to the 5:30/6am starts. I’m not used to the noise and the mess that three young kids create compared to one. I didn’t mind it every now and again, in fact I was quite enjoying the odd taste of ‘normal family life’ seeing as I’ve been on my own with DS from the beginning (and thankfully the kids get on great), but what I’m noticing is DP increasingly assuming that when he has his DC, me and my DS will be there. Yet when his DC are with their mum I wouldn’t say he comes to activities / family type things with me and my DS, he just buggers off to the pub/gets a hair cut/ sees a friend whatever. I don’t care, I enjoy time apart, but I don’t get the same understanding if I want to do my own thing. As a person, my DP is generally great, very hands on, similar parenting style, always backs me up etc, he’s not lazy in the slightest but it seems he doesn’t want to be on his own with his DC, whereas I love quality time with my boy. I’m wondering if anyone else has been through this and navigated through it successfully as some days I feel like giving up .

The moodiness would be a dealbreaker for me. Getting in a mood because he doesn't get what he wants is emotionally manipulative and designed to get you to fall into line and comply with what he wants.

It sounds like he wants to play happy families, but only on his terms. Where do you see this relationship going in the long term?

He doesn’t respect your right to spend your time as you wish. He plans your weekends for you and strops when you don’t fancy all of it? That’s insane.

He’s rude and bossy. And not wanting time with his kids by himself is weird and actually does suggest he wants to offload the work to you. DH has two older kids, we have a toddler together. He regularly does stuff just with them. I encourage it. I get time with DD, his two are a decade older so they get to do older kid stuff and have time with just dad.

Red flags all over this. Not least the huffing.

Start saying no a lot more. Without an excuse. Just say no it doesn’t suit and wait to see how he reacts. I expect he won’t like it at all and will increase his signs of annoyance at not being in charge of you and your son and his real personality will become apparent.

He sulks when you don't drag your familynover there to help care for his kids, and buggers off to the pub when his children aren't there. What a catch.

Your post makes me overall uneasy but I can't exactly pin point why. I suspect that it's the moodiness and the only wanting to spend time together when he has his DC.

He's using you as a comfort buffer at the cost of your comfort. Seems like right now there's covert pressure to capitulate to his plans with DC and your not heavily invested yet. This may get worse the more "invested" you get in him.

There are plenty of men with kids who wouldn't act like this and just plenty of men in general wouldn't add all this extra pressure and demands. I would throw this one back in the sea lovely !

My gut feeling is that this will get worse as time goes on. He enjoys being single when he doesn't have the kids and likes to have you around to play happy families when it suits him.

It's like he's trying to get you to "blend" when you aren't ready too. Also for some weird reason he is reluctant to spend time alone with his kids.

I'd just have a chat and explain you aren't wanting to do EVERYTHING as one big family unit yet. See if he stops pushing and sulking and if he doesn't then leave him.

What you and your DS have together is a perfectly normal family life.

Like someone else said, I can't quite put my finger on it, but it feels like your partner has cast you in the role of mum/wife for his family without taking you and your child into account at all.

Red flags everywhere. Run for your life. Your boyfriend does not respect you.

Sounds like he basically wants you and your ds around to entertain his children and he is being emotionally manipulative to make you go along with it.

He wants wifework done so he is using you!!

Have you ever chatted to his ex about why they split up?

Most divorced or separated men see beyond love and romance and see the practicalities of a new relationship and it won't be good if more women were the same tbh.

Men will see what sort of new set up the new woman in their lives offers him and his kids and hook in the woman who offers the most.

Own home -tick
Clean and tidy and cleans and tidies after his kids without moaning - tick
Good job- tick
Financial independence and willing to spend money on him and his kids- tick
Space for his kids - tick
Kind and caring woman who is offering or by stealth gives her time and attention to his kids - tick
Good time management- tick
Good cooking skills- tick
Passive personality - tick
Complete mug- tick
Besotted so easy to manipulate- tick
A better home environment than the one he left- tick

A non shouty non nagging woman who lets him go to the pub and do his own thing and doesn't make demands on his " no kids down time"- tick

A man will pull all the stops in being charming when he had bagged one of these types of women!!

Would be good I should say

I'm guessing he likes the support and adult company when parenting after all it's another pair of hands! Whereas you are use to going solo with your child. But he shouldn't expect you to be there to co parent. I'd be quite firm with boundaries and sometimes say no. You cou also point out he needs quality time with his kids on his own.

Stick up for yourself. And protect your son. I am sure if you find the weekends overwhelming then your son probably does too.

You need a proper chat about this to try and ward off the moodiness. Explain as you did here that you need time to yourself and you get too tired from the time with three not one child. Plus your child needs time out too.

If he doesn't get it after a proper chat then it seems you may have to think again because emotionally blackmailing you into staying at his house when you really don't want to, is not an attractive trait .

You need to put your foot down now. Say you have plans for yourself and DS because he has his kids and he doesn't seem to enjoy time with just you and DS, so you are going solo.

You need to put your foot down now

This^^

I have been in a similar situation where I was to made guilty even for wishing to do something with my child while his were in football practice (he just wanted us all together ALL the time), at the same time he would decide or veto everything that we were doing as a couple and eventually started controlling all my time. The moment that I refused to keep going like that, he ended it, which was painful (I bloody LOVED his kids), looking back it was the best thing that could have happened as he was so controlling he was never going to negotiate on anything because he didn’t care about DS’s and my needs or what we wanted.

Things started to become a little bit like that with DP but although I first welcomed doing things as a family (I love having kids around) soon I realised that he was sitting back while I took on all the care of organising fun stuff, cook and entertain the kids while his kids were behaving like ungrateful entitled little shits throwing everything back at my face. In all honestly, you can only blend a family if you have similar parenting styles and equal level of involvement and we simply don’t, so I now only see his kids on special days but it has worked beautifully for all of us:

1. contact is for dad to grow and maintain a bond with his kids. As I am not around, his kids can have the one to one attention they need.

2. while he is catching up with his kids, I am catching up with mine, he also has the right to one to one attention from his mum and do stuff that works for him that wouldn’t work for the other kids as they are younger and have different interests.

3. the time he is with his kids, it is also the time for me to catch up with myself, meet with my friends, have some me time and do all those chores I cannot do easily during the week (I work full time).

4. No one is going to learn to be a responsible good parent if they have another person doing all the child care for them. DP has grown much better at taking care of his kids and entertain them since he has to do all the work on his own (he also appreciates more the amount of parenting work I do on my own)

5. His ex is very controlling and deeply resents me spending time with the children so, as I’m not seeing them regularly, she is not shouting at them or making them feel guilty as she feels betrayed if they interact with me. She is also shouting less at DP and is no longer ruining our plans and holidays to show she is on charge. Admittedly, she is now complaining the kids are not doing as much as they did, but I was the one organising all the fun stuff so she wanted me out, she had to live with it.

Honestly, take advantage of the wonderful position you are in (two houses, no immediate need to live under one roof) and make the best of it but don’t forget you can walk away the moments things do not work out.

Don’t settle with men or situations that do not work for you and/or your kid. You don’t need to.

@ANameChangeAgain

He sulks when you don't drag your familynover there to help care for his kids, and buggers off to the pub when his children aren't there. What a catch.

This sounds like it nails it really. It’s not just happy families one way. I coped with strep parenting by realising I needed to keep my distance and my own space. Don’t always manage it, but try to.

@Tarne

He wants wifework done so he is using you!!

Have you ever chatted to his ex about why they split up?

Most divorced or separated men see beyond love and romance and see the practicalities of a new relationship and it won't be good if more women were the same tbh.

Men will see what sort of new set up the new woman in their lives offers him and his kids and hook in the woman who offers the most.

Own home -tick
Clean and tidy and cleans and tidies after his kids without moaning - tick
Good job- tick
Financial independence and willing to spend money on him and his kids- tick
Space for his kids - tick
Kind and caring woman who is offering or by stealth gives her time and attention to his kids - tick
Good time management- tick
Good cooking skills- tick
Passive personality - tick
Complete mug- tick
Besotted so easy to manipulate- tick
A better home environment than the one he left- tick

A non shouty non nagging woman who lets him go to the pub and do his own thing and doesn't make demands on his " no kids down time"- tick

A man will pull all the stops in being charming when he had bagged one of these types of women!!

I think you’re totally right about this (and it mirrors my experiences a great deal, in hindsight).

@Savannah80 now is definitely the time to put some firm boundaries in place. It is not fair for you or your DS to be dragged over to stay with him whenever he has his DC.

Nor is it OK for him to lay claim to your time when it suits him, but see his non-contact weekends as his to do what he pleases with.

strep parenting

Yes I went through exactly this with my exp. He has his children EOW. That’s all Fri- mon with the odd midweek stuff thrown in. So absolutely next to day to day responsibility for them. Aside from two weekends a month.

I had my children a lot more than that - am the primary carer in the main home and although my kids are with my exh 3 nights a week, they are still at mine a lot (after school etc). So the food, the noise, the organisation was on me. Now mine are teens it is of course a lot easier.

It also happened that two of the EOW contact nights were my childfree nights. Those are the days/ nights I could make plans/ see my friends/ relax etc.

Despite all of this, the unrelenting pressure from my exp to spend time with his DC was immense. I used to get a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach everytime I knew a contact weekend was coming up. As I knew I would have to either say no (and face the displeasure) or compromise and see them.

In the end I put my foot down and ended up having a clear chat. I suppose in hindsight it was a bit of an ultimatum. What I said was the following

1. His time with his children was precious and actually he was better focussing on 121 time with them vs diluting it with another person whom ultimately the children didn’t want to see (me).

2. My own children wanted 121, chill downtime with me and his children cut into that. They also weren’t chill. Their coming absolutely changed the dynamic of my home for my DC.

3. he wasn’t factoring my needs into the situation anywhere. And whilst he had 11 childfree nights a fortnight, I had 6. What he was proposing would have taken my childfree nights down to 2. His remained the same (as like your partner he was quite happy to go off and do his own thing at his with no responsibility re my children).

So what I suggested was a compromise / routine. That allowed me 121 time with my DC. Him 121 time with his DC. I would spend a fixed window with them but then do my own thing the rest of the time.

He didn’t react well and I initially got the ‘you don’t like my kids, you’re jealous, you don’t understand family’ (all emotionally emotive to try and get me to do what he wanted). I held firm and said ‘no, I’m exhausted. This is all I am capable of taking on. And this actually is better for your children’ (and it was).

He settled with what I offered as the alternative was that we broke up. Because I simply wasn’t prepared to parent his children For him, on top of carrying my own load.

Ultimately he wasn’t happy with the set up. And that his behaviour against me became increasingly toxic. He took my stance as a rejection of his children, him and ultimately his need of wanting to show ‘family’ to the world.

That’s my exp. That’s not necessarily what your partner will do. He may handle it a lot better.

My advice is to figure out what you are prepared to do. And table it, over a conversation. Don’t make it about the noise, the kids (hell get defensive). Simply say you’re exhausted. That you and your DC need some 121 time. And you need a compromise/ routine so that everyone is clear when they are seeing one another but that you also get your downtime.

He may not like it (he doesn’t sound like he will). I personally could not fathom why my exp wasn’t delighted to spend 121 time with his own kids. I guard my time with my DC as I live it when it’s just me and them. We have the best time together and create lovely memories.

You’re not in the wrong here, he is, massively. Personally i think some of these men want to show the world they’re fathers of the year. But the day to day of actual parenting is something they find tedious, boring and they don’t actually get any enjoyment from it (not that they’d ever admit that). That’s why the pressure for someone else to be there is constant. It relieves the tedium/ boredom of parenting for him. You and your needs simply don’t factor.

Maybe he has realised you being around makes his parenting duties easier...
Back away op.
Before you are his nanny.

@sassbott

Yes I went through exactly this with my exp. He has his children EOW. That’s all Fri- mon with the odd midweek stuff thrown in. So absolutely next to day to day responsibility for them. Aside from two weekends a month.

I had my children a lot more than that - am the primary carer in the main home and although my kids are with my exh 3 nights a week, they are still at mine a lot (after school etc). So the food, the noise, the organisation was on me. Now mine are teens it is of course a lot easier.

It also happened that two of the EOW contact nights were my childfree nights. Those are the days/ nights I could make plans/ see my friends/ relax etc.

Despite all of this, the unrelenting pressure from my exp to spend time with his DC was immense. I used to get a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach everytime I knew a contact weekend was coming up. As I knew I would have to either say no (and face the displeasure) or compromise and see them.

In the end I put my foot down and ended up having a clear chat. I suppose in hindsight it was a bit of an ultimatum. What I said was the following

1. His time with his children was precious and actually he was better focussing on 121 time with them vs diluting it with another person whom ultimately the children didn’t want to see (me).

2. My own children wanted 121, chill downtime with me and his children cut into that. They also weren’t chill. Their coming absolutely changed the dynamic of my home for my DC.

3. he wasn’t factoring my needs into the situation anywhere. And whilst he had 11 childfree nights a fortnight, I had 6. What he was proposing would have taken my childfree nights down to 2. His remained the same (as like your partner he was quite happy to go off and do his own thing at his with no responsibility re my children).

So what I suggested was a compromise / routine. That allowed me 121 time with my DC. Him 121 time with his DC. I would spend a fixed window with them but then do my own thing the rest of the time.

He didn’t react well and I initially got the ‘you don’t like my kids, you’re jealous, you don’t understand family’ (all emotionally emotive to try and get me to do what he wanted). I held firm and said ‘no, I’m exhausted. This is all I am capable of taking on. And this actually is better for your children’ (and it was).

He settled with what I offered as the alternative was that we broke up. Because I simply wasn’t prepared to parent his children For him, on top of carrying my own load.

Ultimately he wasn’t happy with the set up. And that his behaviour against me became increasingly toxic. He took my stance as a rejection of his children, him and ultimately his need of wanting to show ‘family’ to the world.

That’s my exp. That’s not necessarily what your partner will do. He may handle it a lot better.

My advice is to figure out what you are prepared to do. And table it, over a conversation. Don’t make it about the noise, the kids (hell get defensive). Simply say you’re exhausted. That you and your DC need some 121 time. And you need a compromise/ routine so that everyone is clear when they are seeing one another but that you also get your downtime.

He may not like it (he doesn’t sound like he will). I personally could not fathom why my exp wasn’t delighted to spend 121 time with his own kids. I guard my time with my DC as I live it when it’s just me and them. We have the best time together and create lovely memories.

You’re not in the wrong here, he is, massively. Personally i think some of these men want to show the world they’re fathers of the year. But the day to day of actual parenting is something they find tedious, boring and they don’t actually get any enjoyment from it (not that they’d ever admit that). That’s why the pressure for someone else to be there is constant. It relieves the tedium/ boredom of parenting for him. You and your needs simply don’t factor.

Thanks Sassbot, this is exactly how I feel. Thanks for all the replies actually, you’re all right, I need to sit down with him and lay out what I’m prepared to do. I.E maybe Saturday afternoons all together followed by a sleepover that night, once every two weeks on the weekend he has the DC, then after breakfast on the Sunday I’d like alone time with my family/friends and DS. We’re lucky with family help on my side so me and DP do get alone time together, and I remind him that we get way more quality time than any of my friends who are with their husbands and get a babysitter once in a blue moon. We’re very lucky on the whole. I totally agree with what someone said re. Some dads finding the time tedious and it’s way more of a struggle with two etc, but really it’s not my problem. Thanks all.

OP, you are in a tricky position if you have not been able to arrange your dating/social life in a manner that does not involve your son being present.

You say that you are a single mother and that you have your son full time. Does that man that if your partner stays overnight at your place that your son is present in the home? Are you free to do weekend get aways without your son? If not, it would seem that you bring the same limitations to a relationship that he is trying to impose- perhaps without the expectation that he will do household chores when he is at your place.

Are you free to have a dating relationship that does not involve your son? If not, then you need to be upfront about your expectations.

It is not reasonable to be in a position where your son is always present when he is at your place but you are unwilling to tolerate the same from him. His baggage is greater only in the sense that he brings twice as many kids.

If you really care for this man, and you may very do so. You should talk to him about arranging to spend time together when neither of you have your kids. If the 2 of you cannot arrange a reasonable amount of childfree time together ,this relationship is not going to be stalled exactly where it is.
Have you carefully thought through what you want in a relationship?Entering the dating pool with kids is tricky and you should give careful thought to both what constraints you bring and what your limitations may be. If you enter the dating pool with a "we are a package" notion then you should not be surprised to find potential partners who come with the same notion.

You should say to him that you expect him to at least provide the same amount of child free time for you as you are capable and willing to provide for him.

OP , your response posted before my post. It seems as though you are able to arrange for child free time. In that case the conversation should center around his ability and willingness to do the same. If he cannot or is not willing to do so then you have your answer.

@Savannah80 actually parenting two is easier than one IME. Because the children by a certain age keep each other company and can self entertain between themselves vs. Relying on the parent for entertainment/ games.

I don’t think this is about whether one or two are easier. It’s about parenting and actively engaging with it. If you are an engaged parent whom genuinely enjoys/ bonds with their child/ren, you would never push for someone to be with you constantly. Of course we all like adult company and a hand from time to time but that’s very different to the situation you find yourself in.

For me (and again I emphasise this may not apply in your situation), I can now see that there was also an element of control at play. My exp didn’t like my having 2 nights/ days child free when he was tied to his. I was free to see/ do what I wanted and it was always without him. Because he was with his kids.

I should have said btw, the 2 nights a week free per fortnight I would have been left with? Were when he was free. So if I had given him what he wanted, I would have either been working, parenting my children, helping him with his or with him. Leaving me next to no time to see friends/ do my own thing. The control over me was a huge element.

When you have the conversation, watch his response carefully. If he listens and can understand your point; then he is absolutely fine. If not? Be careful.