Small thing. But feels massive now.

[Bleepitandbleepitagain]

Quick backstory.

Ex wife and dh have had issues since we got into a relationship (separated for years previous to that). Used to be civil. Went downhill quickly after he let her know he was seeing someone. Despite her having relationships previous to that.

Things got more and more bitter the closer we got, the more we developed into our own relationship with history etc.

Each main "stage" of our relationship ex caused major issues and it got further complicated between them.

Court a few times. Cafcass and court always on dh side as such.

Ex always wiped her arse with the paperwork afterwards. In turn issues between dh and kids arrived due to loyalty bonds. Again noted by cafcass.

Caused a lot of stress and always ramps up to something "big" for us. Be it engagement, marriage, children etc etc.

Last week we got an email from my eldest nursery (starting slightly later due to a move) . Same date as the court case. The same court case we have on record she admits she done out of spite. Not that she could control the date obviously.

But the fact that yet again, something that should be something meaningful has be tarnished has just bugged me. And I can't shake it.

I know I'm unreasonable. But I can't help it. Now the night before dd starts nursery will be worry regarding the court case, his eldest dd got her dad and mum walking them into nursery for the first day. As we built dd up in believing will happen for her.

Now I've had a broken hearted dd asking why daddy can't be there. When she has already been through so much losing elder siblings due to ex wife spite. And yes dh is fighting that end of things.

This is a woman that has police reports against her due to abuse towards dh and our house. Cafcass against her. Courts in previous cases against her.

The stress has been ongoing and getting progressively worse for years.

I just feel like this is the last straw. Minimal and no big deal I get that as a stand alone, but yet another thing and I'm so bloody tired of it :(

I walked into all this expecting issues as of course its bound to exist. Walked in accepting I would have to find a way to make it work my own end.

But nothing was bad until i was so deep in.

And I accepted my pregnancy both times being ruined. Accepted my marriage being tarnished. Accepted so much. None of which ever came from the children (all her arguments are based around herself and even the children in carcass meetings have never said bad about me/dh/siblings or how things were handled our end) .

I even gritted my teeth and put protective measures in place once she stopped contact. As at the time my little girl was distraught in losing her elder siblings.

But for some reason I just can't shake this final insult. Even if not directly intentional from ex.

OP surely you 2 cam drop your daughter off at nursery school prior to going to the Courthouse or you can postpone her initial start date by a day or 2.

The ex may be responsible for many negative experiences but she has you well know have no control over the Court Calendar.

You might as well be angry with the Fates for conspiring against you.

A healthier perspective would be that in spite of her antics life goes on as normal. Your daughter is probably not going to care if her first day of nursery school is Tuesday vs Monday, and the whole situation will have only the impact that you wish to assign to it.

Going to Court is not pleasant, but you know from past Court proceedings that you will survive this experience.

Just look.at it as just another day filled with both positives and a negative.

None of mine remember any first day of nursery. Create your own happy memories and see it as a settling in day .

if your dd is saying all upset 'why can't daddy be there' that is because that is the message you have given her.

For what it is worth my dh didn't do first days at school or nursery because he was at work.
Kids didn't notice, they don't remember.

Just ask nursery if she can start 3 days later if it means so much to you.
This is a non issue, let it go. You have enough to deal with.

My 'moment' was that the cafcass call that my Dh had been waiting all week , came as we were talking to our sons pediatrician (that we had spent 9 months waiting to see about a severe developmental delay) of course he had to go outside to take the call.
I totally understand this, we jump through hoops, make sure child and dad get lots of alone time, help with court bills love them like our own, etc.
But who remembers the children of Second family's ? The ones that miss
their siblings hugely when they are withheld from contact, the ones who are constantly told 'she isn't your real sister' , the ones who will always come second.
And I have been a step mother, a step daughter and have children who have a step family with their dad, so have seen all sides .

Now I feel awful that it didn't cross either mine or my DHs minds that he should come with me on our kids first day of nursery 😳 you're letting this woman get into your mind too much and you are letting her ruin these things for you.

Whatever you have to do to put her out of your thoughts do it. There's always a solution. Just have her start nursery a day later and spend an extra special day at home just the 2 of you so something good comes out of a negative xx

Oh I know, I appreciate its this time round minimal, and of course I'll be taking her regardless.

As I said, its yet another thing. This isn't directly her - but again its another memory a bit tarnished. When so many bigger more concerning ones were made more stressful. My father being seriously ill for example.

As I know I am being unreasonable its bugged me so much, but its the final straw.

I expected to make a lot of back downs, a lot of accepting. But having to accept so many, so consistently, over nothing beyond spite is hurtful.

And of course as I said in op she didn't pick this date, she had no idea when or how dd was starting nursery. Its more the fact there have been times in the past she has kicked off over things not needed, which created a black cloud on an otherwise happy moment/period of time. Which does make you think give us a break! Especially when all this wasn't needed at all, as admitted by her.

Of course primary concern is the damage it is doing to his elder two, but I'm allowed to be a bit frustrated and irritated this end at times too

@evrey I'm so sorry that happened.

We've had many similar instances too, either hospital visits for our children, or my dad. Or similar.

Even if we assume all is done with the best interests of the elder two, its hard to take a back seat every bloody time and feel that yours, or ones close to you are meaningless. Even when ifnthe shoe is on the other foot contact is locked down and limited etc.

It seems like a small thing but people can bleed to death by 1000000 paper cuts. It's not the one act, it's all of them happening over a sustained period of time that is mentally draining and disabling.

OP don't take this the wrong way, but are you feeling a depressed? I know people shy away from saying depression and minimise it saying oh it's only a hump in road but given what you have posted it very much wouldn't surprise me if you were.

It's a lot. I have no experience personally of what it's like to be on the receiving end but I have seen many cases go through the process and it's literally awful.

Are you happy ? Have you got a safe place to go and talk to and say the things you wish you could say to DH but you can't because you would hurt him. Somewhere to be truly honest ? I would suggest that while your supporting DH through this, you get some support too.

And can we stop minimising this to the OP and pretending this has zero impact and a walk in the work, it's not really shocking that she's upset over another thing being taken up by all this drama. This type of crap is not easy or a walk in the park.

Hopefully some others who have lived experience of this situation can come give some advice (I think Quattro has been though this) as it's hard to know just how bad things can get if never done it personally.

Good luck OP

How does she know what is happening when in your household. I would try to keep things to yourselves (the adults).

I get what you're saying. It's tough, some of it is unfortunately a SM's lot, there are always going to be occasions where the rest of the family get prioritised over the "firsts" with your own child. It gets easier. As long as when your own child needs their dad and he's not missing EVERYTHING it won't be too hard on your little one. I guess it's the same with more than one child in a family but with the added emotionalness of it being yet another court case thrown into the mix.

Some ideas:

*Delay or move forward start date?
*You take little one by yourself? It might be an idea not to make it into a big event anyway as it can be a little overwhelming.
*Dad comes with you on his way to court.

@YourenutsmiLord

How does she know what is happening when in your household. I would try to keep things to yourselves (the adults).

Oh and I agree with this. Try to absolutely minimise the info she is getting about your household if you can.

I think @candlelightsatdawn sums it up well with this: It seems like a small thing but people can bleed to death by 1000000 paper cuts. It's not the one act, it's all of them happening over a sustained period of time that is mentally draining and disabling.

It can get a lot when there's always something..

@candlelightsatdawn the 1000 cuts is essentially it, yes. As a stand alone its a complete non issue. And as stressed obviously this time it wasn't intentional as such from her part date wise.

But jesus christ I just want one family memory that is just about us as a family (including sc too) . Not his ex causing issues for the sake of causing issues.

I am currently waiting on therapy to help process it all. Husband is in general brilliant, and we are quite open with our feelings. But I am aware I need a more neutral sounding board too. As does he.

Oh and we have made it exciting for dd regardless, we will be walking with her friend who will be in the same class.

Obviously we haven't told dd why the change has happened, just explained daddy needed to go to work. But will be doing x instead.

Then going to her favourite restaurant for dinner afterwards :)

Dad can walk with her the next day? You can make that exciting if you want.

I do think it’s not a major deal though.

@Bleepitandbleepitagain the best thing I can advise is when your in a pressure task and some fcuker is fiddling with the knobs, find a way to relieve the pressure that's controlled by you.

-Therapy and a safe place to bounce off ideas that aren't DH and same for him too ! It's a expensive pain to have to do but will save your MH a good therapist is worth weight in gold. Find your match it's like dating, some will work some won't. Trust your base line instincts.

• A friend who is practical and gets the situation. Not someone who will come along and play devils advocate every second sentence. You don't need that you need a venting friend with a honest non emotional response.

• come here and moan (this board although can be visited by vipers so ignore them) can offer place where others have walked in your shoes and have good advice. The support threads tend to be left alone usually there's one going which amazing gets avoided. Good place for a vent if nothing else.

Now re kids - can you do a hobby that is just you and kids ? I'm a great believer in horse therapy for adults and children. It needs to be flexible so that if she scuppers plans, you just flex around her. Focusing on Christmas/ Easter ect are fixed dates and she can plan to be a nightmare around those dates. Try to find things that have the flexibility to move and it won't ruin things.

Also just wanted to acknowledge something. This is all terribly unfair and I'm sorry your dealing with this. A high conflict Ex is looking to get a rise and what will annoy her more than anything else is you being calm and happy when she is clearly not. If you can feel sorry for her rather than boiling rage, your MH will be protected somewhat. It takes very unhappy person to do all this and fundamentally that won't change for her, but it can for you.

Release the pressure off yourself. Also audiobooks, tennis and anything that takes your mind off things is something you must carve out for yourself. Self care !! The activity must engage your brain so you cannot be thinking about this 🥜. You need the break !

Tbh without meaning to sound patronising I do genuinely feel sorry for her. She prides herself on being a good mum, and outside of how she is with dh she is. I think if she truly saw how toxic she had become to even her own children by putting them through it too, she would be horrified.

It must be a rotten position to be in to be that bitter you're completely blinded.

Therapy we are both waiting on NHS, can't afford private. But I have a date for jan which is promising.

Day after with dad isn't a bad shout actually, I'll give that idea to dh.

Luckily I do have really amazing friends that seem to both know a) when I just need to rant and rave b) when I need talking down too for my own sanity!

I think its all a mix of exs drama, serious health issues that were close to death in the family. A move. Two 3 and under, younger High needs.

I'm just mentally exhausted all round and find myself clinging to little bouts of excitement or happiness (like walking dd to school) . So when that is then messed up after taking in more than enough mentally, even though it isn't massive it really feels it!