DH had a bad Christmas: a cautionary tale on keeping one's nose out of any parenting decisions. However small.

[PeeAche]

On Christmas morning, the DSC woke up at 4.30am and emptied their stockings.

DSS (who is 7) spent most of Christmas Day basically unable to function due to tiredness. I think this also made him irritable.

DSS also did not write a letter to Father Christmas this year. Didn't want to and couldn't be cajoled into it.

At 9ish when we unwrapped our gifts, DSS was very unhappy to not get Pokémon cards from The Big Guy. (Apart from 20 specialist shiny ones that came in his stocking.)
Father Christmas had instead left him some Lego which DSS was very unhappy about and refuses to even look at. DSS is usually a Lego fiend and especially likes the themed sets - which these were. (Harry Potter)

My DH and I had bought DSS some Pokémon cards in a collectible tin (it was on DSS's Christmas list) but these had been given from us and not Santa. DSS was pleased with this but could not understand why Father Christmas hadn't just bought him even more Pokémon cards. DSS says that when he went to bed on Christmas Eve, he closed his eyes and wished and wished to Santa for nothing but "millions of Pokémon cards".

Anyway...

Rewind to about 1 week before Christmas and DH says to me "I don't know if I should give the Pokémon cards or the Lego from Father Christmas?" I advised that if we were putting the 20 specialist, shiny and v v expensive cards in the stocking, then the tin might be better coming from us. DH said "that's what I thought too" and then he wrapped and labelled the stuff appropriately. The end.

Today DH says it's my fault for weighing in. He says he "knew" he should have given the Pokémon cards from The Man in Red. 🙄

I think DH is being silly and maybe that my DSS should have been told to not be so ungrateful. But I haven't passed any comment on the matter. I really don't think my DH should be tied up in knots over it but DH is just very upset that he "dropped the ball" on his son's Christmas and thinks he's done a bad job.

I also slightly dried out the breast meat on the turkey (a crime in this house but please forgive me, I was cooking for 14 people in a new kitchen!) and my DH's father tested positive on Christmas morning and so his parents couldn't come over. So all in all, my DH had a "bad Christmas". He's just dropped off the kiddos with their mum and now he's taken himself off to bed. 🙄🙄

So listen up, step parents - even if it seems innocuous - having any opinion on anything, however small, can come back to bite you in the butt!

Next year when my DH asks me what should come from Father Christmas I am going to say "whatever you think, dear" 😅

No, I'm not leaving my husband over Pokémon cards.
No, I'm not the other woman.
No, I don't hate my step children.
Yes, of course I brined the turkey!!

If he asks tell him exactly that, whatever he thinks. You'll still get the blame if it goes tits up though.

If he's still sulking tomorrow, tell him to fuck off out your sight until he's over himself. Can't stand sulking me.

Christmas is such a bloody strain isn't it? I don't really understand why everyone is so worked up about it all of the time. Fancying Christmas on a beach next year. With cocktails.

My DH is acting as though it's the most epic parenting fail of all time. Honestly, I've witnessed him give his children pie for breakfast. Pie. Fucking pie.

But now he seems to think these Pokémon cards are the true test of his parenting. Give me strength.

I'm not a piece of work. You sound like a piece of work.

Your husband is an infant and your stepson is a wretched spoilt brat. The kid needs to be taught some manners. Fucking hell, you must be at the end of your tether.

My step son really isn't wretched or a brat. Both of my step children are good and sweet, most of the time. He was very tired and his expectations were perhaps unreasonably high. I concede that he is a little spoiled.

Your DSS got cards - but he wanted more, is this in a nutshell.

He is old enough to be taught about being grateful for what you are given.

Make sure with your own baby Santa brings the stocking, which is small things only and everything under the tree is from individual people. The advantage in this is that not only does it avoid the DSS scenario, it also demonstrates to children that people are think8nthinking about them.

Your dp should warn his dc that if Santa doesn’t receive a letter in advance then he has to guess what he wants based on last years presents. Also, this must be done in advance to give the elves a chance to make the toys- the big man doesn’t do Argos.

I think Christmas can bring out the worst in kids as it can be overwhelming. They also expect everything to be magical beyond any doubts. Your DSS was probably grateful for the cards, just disappointed as to why Santa didn’t hear his wishes.

There’s a thread somewhere on one of the board’s re letting go of the mental load / making Christmas easier. Just a thought…

I agree with that!

Too many expectations related to christmas (including a Turkey that shouldn’t be dry ) and those expectations are always placed in the shoulders of women.

@PeeAche your DH needs to learn how to handle his dcs disappointment. He is going to end up with a heart attack if he carries on tying himself up in knots like this.
(He should also learn to make his like easier - Eg by insisting dc doesn’t get up at stupid o’clock on Christmas morning!)

I sort of understand why your husband is having a sulk (although he does need to get a grip) He probably wants Xmas to be perfect especially for his children as there is likely some guilt there for not being the 'traditional' family (whatever the hell that is). I guess you could remind him of all the positive things this Xmas has brought eg. His DS has learnt the important life lesson that you need sleep to feel good the next day, you don't always get what you want and you've learnt that you need to do something different to avoid those dry breasts next year. Every cloud....

He probably would just like some reassurance that he's a good dad and you can't get it right every time but at the end of the day he was with his children on Xmas day and that's what they will remember. Maybe give his ego a little stroke and he might snap out of his mood and hopefully you can enjoy the rest of the evening. I know you shouldn't HAVE to do this but just, you know, of you want to

@Cuddlemuffin that's genuinely some very good advice. It isn't always black and white.

I have been sat thinking about it this evening and I too believe that he's getting himself very worked up about getting it "perfect" because he feels guilty that they don't have the perfect family unit. Thank you.xx

I wouldn't be giving his ego a little stroke - a clip round the ear would be more appropriate. Bloody man child should cop onto himself. Tell him next year he's cooking the Turkey as well!

@LlamasintheFog

DSS is a spoilt brat, or at least, he was acting like one. From your description of your H, the apple hasn't fallen far...

My thoughts exactly🙄

@Helpstopthepain

Do you have wine in the house? That is what I would do, drink wine.

I second this. Wine is needed.

And whoever moaned about the turkey can cook it next year.

[quote PeeAche]@Cuddlemuffin that's genuinely some very good advice. It isn't always black and white.

I have been sat thinking about it this evening and I too believe that he's getting himself very worked up about getting it "perfect" because he feels guilty that they don't have the perfect family unit. Thank you.xx[/quote]
I understand this. I do. But shifting the "blame" onto OP is unfair and a really shitty thing to do.

Sound all barmy to me, why can't you all create a nice simple life around you. a life without any issues.

he's getting himself very worked up about getting it "perfect"
Right, but he's blaming you, not himself. If this is indeed an epic parenting fail, it's his failure, not yours.

As to the turkey - whoever was passing judgement that it wasn't totally correct when you were cooking in a new oven for a large number of people. Please say that wasn't him. If so, it has to be his job next Christmas.

[quote PeeAche]@Cuddlemuffin that's genuinely some very good advice. It isn't always black and white.

I have been sat thinking about it this evening and I too believe that he's getting himself very worked up about getting it "perfect" because he feels guilty that they don't have the perfect family unit. Thank you.xx[/quote]
Yes I get that too.

However, I think it’s worth remembering that it’s not you job to solve your DH’s issues.
By that I don’t mean that you shouldn’t help him or support him.
But that he needs to take responsibility for it. He needs to step back to look at what happened himself too.
Otherwise, you’ll end up in a similar position than with the cards - him vaguely asking for help, you trying to be helpful/giving advice and then him turning it against you if it doesn’t work as well as he hoped iyswim

Did you set your dh straight when he said he knew he ought to have put the cards in the stocking, or did you let him get away with blaming you for that?

Christmas has become an absolutely horrible beast.

All presents come from Father Christmas until you become an adult.

I wonder if part of DSS's upset is that this was some kind of "test". I can remember being around that age and beginning to wonder if Santa was real or not. I knew the way to figure it out would be to not give my parents my letter to Santa. I dont remember how I went about letting Santa know, but I remember that what I wanted was a real puppy. I remember telling Santa if I did not get a puppy then I knew he was fake (or something to that effect LOL). Well, surprise surprise I did NOT get a puppy and I felt really sad. Both over the lack of puppy and the reality that maybe Santa was not real.

In response to those PP saying that DH needs to not blame OP and take responsibility, I do agree with this but he probably needs to calm down and get some perspective to do this. It's pretty common for people to blame their nearest and dearest when things go awry...no one is perfect. It would be best if he could acknowledge that it wasn't OPs fault and for him to apologize, hopefully he will.

My mother complained about the turkey. Charming that she is. 🤢 I did beg my brother to take her instead this year...

You should have stuffed compound butter under the skin of the breast of the turkey....works evry time

Oh my god. It's Christmas. What family isn't provoked to having words at christmas? It's a storm in a teacup. Your DSS won't even remember this by next week. It must be horrible for parents who only get their children part-time to think they've let them down so obviously they'll over-react. He shouldn't take it out on you but that's what we do when we're upset, hit out at those we're closest to. But the great thing about Christmas is that if you cock something up this year, christmas will come again in 364 days and then you'll have the opportunity to cock up something even bigger.
Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.
Hope your in-laws feel better soon.

Peachy you know I do hate a bit of dad guilt but I kinda get i In a weird way but that's no excuse for the sulking.

He should verbalise the words - I would say hey look I know it's hard when your stressing about a perfect Christmas ect but you know blaming me and sulking over pokemon cards is only something DSS gets a pass on because of his age. You have to be a adult and talk to me about your feelings without emotionally making me your beating bag. Until then I'm not talking to you, sulkers hate to be ignored. They sulk because they want people to pay extra attention to them. Don't give it and he should wobble his own head.

Christmas next year on a beach ? I think that's a option. Or eat out somewhere loads of people rave about this ! When in doubt outsource the issue.

Ps I would jokingly remind your mother that chances are you will be the one choosing her nursing home so to keep her rude comments about the turkey to her dammed self. Say it in a teasing, laughing voice. So she knows your joking. Kind of.

Also to all those vipers who started on peechy at the top of the chain, your comments said volumes of who you are as a person. Careful

Tell DH you get why he's upset, but get a grip.
Tell DH he needs to up his game on bratty behaviour rather than amplifying it.
Tell everyone if they don't like the turkey to stick it up their arses
You, drink more wine.

If DH continues to sulk and not lighten up, tell him next Xmas is all on him and don't get involved.