Step parenting and keeping mouth shut!!!

[Pippylongstockings91]

I'm in no way a perfect parent for starters I have a DS who I share 50:50 with his dad. I get that some families do things differently but I'm about to shake my other half!!!

So long story short my partners ex left him when their little girl was around 1. She's now 4.
She will ring his family and say "DD is being a pain, she's played up all day" so DP's mum will go and collect DD to which DP has no idea of. His ex has him and his family wrapped around her little finger.. she says jump they all say "how high hun"
Here's another example "DD is crying, you need to come and settle her down" so my partner will just go round.
As a mum the poor little girl has no routine, she's here and there. Already changed nursery's 3 times in the past two years.
She hasn't seen her mum for more than 24 hours over Xmas. As a mum it breaks my heart because I just want her to feel safe and wanted. Please tell me step parenting and keeping your mouth shut gets easier????

Op, what makes you think that this child in any way feels unsafe or unwanted? She has a mom . a caring dad, an involved grandmother. It seems that she has a number of people focused on her well being.

With all of these involved adults, maybe she has adapted to her changing routine. In any case, given that she seemingly has a plethora of involved adults in her life, you might be happier if you left the parenting to the actual parents.

If their very laid back and less routine prone parenting makes you uncomfortable, now may be the time to disengage or reconsider if this is indeed the relationship for you.

I don't understand why you are so bothered by all of this when everyone else in the scenario seems quite happy to do what they're doing.

If you're a reasonably new DSM, the only action you need to take is to decide whether you are comfortable to accept the arrangements as they are, and if not, leave the relationship.

She hasn't seen her mum for more than 24 hours over Xmas that can be quite normal for a step family I think.

Surely her dad coming when she’s sad makes her feel loved and cared for rather than the opposite? It sounds like your DP is a good dad and his family are supportive grandparents.

I totally understand how you feel about taxes having families wrapped round her fingers I’m currently in the same boat the family for some reason hate me but the X is made out of gold even though she polls the same stunts as You mention

Unfortunately no it doesn’t get easier you either keep your mouth shut and attempt to keep out of it or you say something I’ve tried both approaches neither got me anywhere sorry I’m not much help but sometimes it’s just nice to know other people are in the same boat as you

Oh she's completely well loved. Shes a complete princess and we all shower her with love.
We all dote on her even my little boy but I some how feel like it's making up for the fact her mum isn't a*d.
If my ex partner rang my mum and said "DH son is being a pain. Can you collect him?" I'd expect there to be a level of communication between us and her say "Im going to collect Grandson is that okay?"

@BlindMum

I totally understand how you feel about taxes having families wrapped round her fingers I’m currently in the same boat the family for some reason hate me but the X is made out of gold even though she polls the same stunts as You mention

Unfortunately no it doesn’t get easier you either keep your mouth shut and attempt to keep out of it or you say something I’ve tried both approaches neither got me anywhere sorry I’m not much help but sometimes it’s just nice to know other people are in the same boat as you

Thank you. I know it's hard. I'm just thankful it's not just me! I hope it gets easier for you ❤️

@Just10moreminutesplease

Surely her dad coming when she’s sad makes her feel loved and cared for rather than the opposite? It sounds like your DP is a good dad and his family are supportive grandparents.

Absolutely. Where do you drawn the line tho? "DD is crying because she wants a pillow case that's on your pillow" 10 miles the other side of town at 9pm at night?

I get you op. My now exh's ex was like this with their dd. No lie to say that dsd had 6 beds to choose from and she allowed dsd to choose where she slept
. Even if dsd was in bed at one house and changed her mind. Ex would drive her to where she had chosen Dsd wasn't pandered to in exh's care...
Dsd was 3 /4 at this point.
Exhausting..

If my ex partner rang my mum and said "DH son is being a pain. Can you collect him?" I'd expect there to be a level of communication between us and her say "Im going to collect Grandson is that okay?"

You'd expect that communication from your mum, not your ex.

Therefore, the communication issue is between your DP and your DPs parents.

Also if there is an issue with your DP dropping everything to run round and comfort his DC when they are upset, that's a DP issue. Personally I don't think it's an issue at all (well apart from for you) and he sounds like a good, caring dad. Regardless of whether people think he's right or wrong for doing it, it's his decision but you seem to be blaming the ex?

If my ex partner rang my mum and said "DH son is being a pain. Can you collect him?" I'd expect there to be a level of communication between us and her say "Im going to collect Grandson is that okay?"

She’s an adult who can do what she chooses with her time, surely? Would you expect a veto on your mum’s activities generally? Many grandparents struggle to see their grandchildren post-divorce so this is a better scenario. The only way it would be an issue is if you had good reason for your child not to have a relationship with your parent but you have not suggested that is the case here.

Like I said I'm not perfect and some families do different to myself
I might be completely in the wrong but tonight for example. We have got our own house that needs work doing to it before we move in. So sometimes we stay there until late on. Gone 12ish.

DP is staying with his parents until it's finished as there isn't enough room at mine as I'm living with my mother.
He rings and says "oh I walked in and DD was sat at the table, I'm having her tonight and I didn't know. My mum collected her"
If that was me, I'd have said "mum next time you collect her can you let me know. I might have had plans" As she is DP responsibility when he gets back.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

I get you op. My now exh's ex was like this with their dd. No lie to say that dsd had 6 beds to choose from and she allowed dsd to choose where she slept . Even if dsd was in bed at one house and changed her mind. Ex would drive her to where she had chosen Dsd wasn't pandered to in exh's care... Dsd was 3 /4 at this point. Exhausting..

This!!

So one min DSD is sleeping in her mums bed with her mum, then she is told to sleep in her own bed but then sometimes she sleeps next to her older brother (not DP child)
So then when she comes to DP she wants to sleep next to him and he says no, the she will kick off and say "I want mummy" as soon as she says she is wants mummy DP will contact his ex and say can you have DD back she wants you. No boundaries.

@Pippylongstockings91

Like I said I'm not perfect and some families do different to myself I might be completely in the wrong but tonight for example. We have got our own house that needs work doing to it before we move in. So sometimes we stay there until late on. Gone 12ish.

DP is staying with his parents until it's finished as there isn't enough room at mine as I'm living with my mother.
He rings and says "oh I walked in and DD was sat at the table, I'm having her tonight and I didn't know. My mum collected her"
If that was me, I'd have said "mum next time you collect her can you let me know. I might have had plans" As she is DP responsibility when he gets back.

Yes but that's an issue with DP - he should be communicating with his ex that it's not acceptable to change the planned contact arrangement without her agreeing it directly with him. He should also now be getting in touch with his ex to say this is completely unacceptable

Yes DPs mum could perhaps have let him know but again thats between DP snd his mum.

Yes DPs ex is potentially taking advantage but until your DP grows a pair it will continue. Why would it stop if he allows it to continue? And why do you blame her rather than your DP?

Or perhaps DP is delighted to have the extra time with his DD (as are her grandparents). In which case the only person with an issue wjth the situation is you?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who lives at the whims of another adult like this. If his ex is so flakey and incapable of dealing with a disagreement about a pillow case with a 4 year old is she a suitable person to have this much care of her child?

I like to be able to make plans and to know who’ll be sleeping under my roof from one day to the next. Barring crises, and we’ve had a few of those and adapted with a moment’s notice, I expect contact to be agreed in a suitable timescale.

I can promise you things will get harder with time, not easier.

It’s okay to decide this isn’t for you.

@troper
She's fully taking advantage, she's took a UC claim out in his name and now he's liable to pay it back. Police and local council are involved. Another example. We had planned a weekend with friends just one night so he had asked ex to have DD one night over the weekend she had agreed. Two days before we were going she then decided she couldn't have DD because there was a hospital appointment. When DP challenged her on this the hospital appointment disappeared but "I'll have DD if you fix my car if not I'm not having her" we spent all the following weekend trying to fix her car. She uses her like a pawn on a chess board. She walks all over him.
Like I said we all love DD lots. We'd quite happily have her all the time with us.

@troper that sounded so bad when I read it back. The hotel was paid for and the train tickets. We would have lost nearly £200 if we had cancelled so he agreed. Unfortunately we can't afford to loose £200.

Absolutely would do my head in, both the disorganisation, but also that a 4yo has no boundaries, it's not good for them.

I'd have one proper conversation with DP about it and if he carried on the same I'd be off. Your DS doesn't need to be brought up alongside this ridiculously indulgent behaviour.

@Pippylongstockings91

These people have loose boundaries which seem to satisfy and work for them. They are all adults and are not seemingly seeking your permission to live their lives in the manner that they have chosen.

As hard as it may be, sometimes we have to accept the fact that the way the we have chosen is neither the only or the best way to parent.

It seems as though that you are not married to this man, your choice is not to change either his ex or his parents, and most likely not even him. Your choice is to decide If life within their loose boundaries will work for you.

They have a right to live their lives on their terms. You have a right to have your boundaries governing your life, but your boundaries are not ones that govern how they choose to live their lives.

The question before you is not whether they are right or wrong. The question is ,knowing what you know, are you willing to.embrace this life?

It does not seem as though you are married to this man. Why begin a life with someone with whom you have significant parenting differences prior to marriage or living together?

If it was my granddaughter I’d want to have them as much as possible and would be happy to collect from her Mum. That relationship is independent of you and her son.
It sounds a nightmare with your partner, you have my sympathy there. As others have pointed out though if he’s happy with it and not looking to change your choice is pretty much accept it or end the relationship. I don’t think it would be fair for you to impose major changes

Ironically his ex couldn't understand why dsd had night terrors at all the homes except ours... That poor dc must have had to take a breath and think where she actually was every morning..

It sounds like the mum can't cope / set boundaries and the rest of them are all pandering to her and the little girl....heaven help them when this child is a teenager and every adult in her life has been dancing to her tune for years.