SDC contact time advice/suggestions.

[PoshCoffeeOnly]

Evening, I've name changed for this and apologies for the essay.

I've been with my DP for 5 years. We have a great relationship. Moved in gradually with us living together full time just over a year ago...so its DP, me and my 2 DCs aged 15 and 14.

DP has 2 DCs from a previous relationship. They are a 3 hour drive from us. The DM moved away in what I believe is an attempt to distance the SDC from us (partly due to me being on the scene, but that's a whole other story) and DP sees them for school holidays and some weekends between term time. During 2020 due to DMs Covid concerns they were barely with us. They are aged 13 and 11.

Prior to them moving away things were great between us all. All the DC were younger and happier to go with the flow. Things have now changed.

The DM has, in my opinion created a feeling if guilt for the SDC when they come here. They do not talk to me anymore. They have been here for almost a week and the eldest hasn't instigated any form of dialogue. or made eye contactt he youngest, I can count on my hand how many times this has happened. I still talk, try to be warm because I feel this is their DM creating this, but it makes for awkward times. I could give examples of her behaviour but I'll stop at the fact they are not to be alone in a room with me. The SDC are fine conversing with my DC and their DF.

My DC have now changed in the fact that my oldest finds the age gap too big and is happier in their room. My 14yo is struggling with them being here at times; the biggest part is that the SDC are relentless...wanting interaction etc but the biggest part is the noise they make. The SDC are good kids but they are noisy players. My 14yo is hypersensitive to noise and struggles with this - he has many autistic/ADHD traits but nothing diagnosed as yet. He also needs downtime which he finds harder to get when they are here.

My DC have a great relationship with my DP. He's very involved, particularly with my youngest who has a poor relationship with their DF. He is constant, fair, helpful and a positive influence on them.

This then moves onto me. I'm struggling with the noise of them being here - at times it can consume me - this is not because it's the SDC, I'm really not good with noise too. I also find that the change from my routine is extremely hard to deal with. I also work long hours and unsociable ones at that. As contact with the SDC is sporadic it just takes us away from normality and the noise robs me of my downtime/sleep.

My DP is well aware of how we are all feeling - we've spoken about it at length. We agree that we would LOVE to have this perfect blended family but feel that that is often a rarity and that we cannot and will not force it.

After this Christmas, and the issues that we have had to navigate, I'm after advice/suggestions. So far I'm thinking that when DP has SDC me and my DC take off somewhere; camping/Air B&B/walking etc...just quality time. This means that myself and my DC will rarely see SDC. I realise that by doing this we will never have (for the time being) the type of SDM/SDC relationship that I want but I feel even if I'm here for every visit I don't get that anyway.

Does anyone have any other suggestions?
I'm really at a loss and just want everyone to be happy.

You start by saying the problem is that their mum moved them 3 hours away, mum makes them feel guilty visiting and you didn’t see them enough due to covid. But then later the problem is them being there, their noise, the change in routine, you can’t sleep properly with them there. Those 2 thought trains aren’t really compatible as surely all those things would be worse if they came more frequently?
I’m not sure you can expect teenagers to get on. They often don’t get on with their full siblings either at those ages. Do they all have their own rooms? If your husband is very supportive to your children they could well feel jealous? Possibly they also find your child difficult to be around too? Again I think that is very normal in families and many teens spend most of their time in their rooms/ at hobbies/ with friends. Perhaps their dad could plan some activities with just the two of them when they come to stay? Might solve a number of the problems without you having to disappear (which could appear that you don’t like being around them). Or can you time visits with when your children see their Dad so you don’t have all of them together?

OP, it is interesting that you attribute the changes in your own children to normal age related development but changes in his children you attribute to parental alienation on the part of the mom.

Perhaps, distance and lack of ongoing proximity have caused his children to feel less comfortable around you. The silence may just be the natural outcome of distance and perhaps a bit of resentment in having to share the limited time that they have with their dad.

Your plan might be a good way to provide some opportunity for the father to have one on one time with his children.
In fairness to your own children, living apart together might be a more reasonable solution in that they do not have to leave their home at various times to accommodate your partner's children.

Not the best solution, but it does not seem as though your current situation is particularly good for any of the children for whom you both have responsibility .

@BungleandGeorge

Each child has their own rooms. Everything that my DC has the SDC has too such as keys for the house (the eldest), their own clothes, pocket money, toiletries - everything.

I feel that of they came more frequently then we would have the opportunity to forge a better relationship as the Covid break really didn't help any of us.

And the sleeping...I work night shifts and can hear the SDC and often get woken. (I sleep in the room furthest away, etc, etc).

As it stands now, their DF does things with them without me and my DC. Daily.

@Tattler2

I've no doubt that there is typical developmental changes to SDC, but I cannot help that the alienation that has occurred has formed a part. As I mentioned in my initial post, my youngest DC is exhibiting ADHD/autistic behaviours which at times are far from normal - issues with the noise and overstimulation being the main issues. Prior to Covid the youngest was asking my DP why their DM said nasty things about me when they mentioned my name. It's happened and it continues to happen and we are powerless to do anything about that.

Living apart but remaining together isn't what I'd like as 95% of the time things are great...it just gets tricky when all 6 of us are together.

Myself and my DC getting time away during contact times, plus DP and his DC getting a break away could be a good thing for family time couldn't it?

Realistically, it would be myself and my DC going away for a weekend every other month. It's the lack of contact with the SDC I'm slightly concerned about...probably from more of a selfish point of view.

I’m confused when they’re staying with you? If you’re sleeping from night shifts wouldn’t you need to be at home? Or you mean get a holiday home for your kids to have quiet time and you sleep, not actually a weekend away? Do they only come every other month? If your oh is taking them out of the house every day they’re there and all the children have their own rooms to retreat to I’d just continue as you are. Get you oh to have a word about noise level when you’re sleeping. Is it something specific they’re doing thats loud like gaming?

@BungleandGeorge As of next month I'll have more flexibility with my shift pattern so it would mean myself and my DC getting away for some family time the three of us.

The noise - he's piercing when he's watching YouTube/bottle flips everything/shouts at the TV.

It averages once a month that the SDC are here - sometimes for a weekend, sometimes for the school holidays - my DP has tried for more but DM refuses. The every other month would be because my DP would take his DC away somewhere for time just the three of them.

My main concern is the DCs, all four of them. I guess the traditional blended family is not what we have, or what suits and wonder if this model, or something different would be workable and successful for all of us.

Perhaps it would be best if you and your kids moved back out to your own place.

Keep your relationship separate from his kids.

Then, as you wanted, everyone is happy.

It's too much to ask for four teenagers to live together like this. And for you too. It's unfair.

Sounds ideal solution for DP to parent separately. He can concentrate on them. You get time with your children who are growing up and ex gets less to push against. It can be ad hoc and you get occasional weekend together when everyone is less sensitive. Sounds like your pushing boulders uphill now, time to take pressure off. You're more likely to have amicable relations all round and less resentment brewing with your idea. Try not to overthink it or feel guilty. All the best.

Agree with @Whatonearth07957

It’s win-win to parent separately, in this scenario.

Personally I find it quite refreshing to hear OP and her partner being realistic and pragmatic about blended family difficulties (these are all such common issues) and not taking things personally.

I would do the Air B&B thing and not overthink things further.

I wish more people could be more level headed about this stuff