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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Choosing a secondary school when the divorced parents can't agree?

24 replies

TheGreenDiary · 26/12/2021 13:30

Hello,

I am posting here as I was advised that this board may have had people in similar situations. I am not a step parent, so please move this thread if it isn't appropriate.

My friend and his ex share custody (50-50) of their 9 nine year old.

When the girl started primary, both parents lived close to the school. The mother moved out of the area (about a 20 min drive away) two years ago. She has been (unsuccessfully) trying to change her daughter's school since her move.

The parents are now deciding which secondary school they will apply to, and they can't agree. The mother wants her daughter to go to a school next to her house. My friend just wants his daughter to go to a good school (which the one near her mother's house isn't). The two schools near my friend's house are rated as "good" and "outstanding" by Ofsted.

If they can't agree on a school, what will happen?

The dad gets the child benefit (as even though it's a 50-50 split, he usually has his daughter slightly more), which I believe makes a difference?

Yes, I know this isn't very Christmassy, but I have a bit of spare time today!

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 26/12/2021 13:56

What does the daughter want to do?

Tattler2 · 26/12/2021 14:44

Personally, I would choose the better school over convenience , but clearly the best interest of the child is obviously not what is controlling.

Is your friend will to be the one providing transportation? If so, the mother might become more inclined to agree with his position. I do think that if he feels strongly, he should be willing to provide transportation either by doing it himself or paying for transport.

The girl may prefer to go to the same school as her current friend group, but when it comes to education ,I don't think that the child, , 's preference should always be a controlling factor but it should be considered.

negomi90 · 26/12/2021 14:54

Do the two schools near your friends have easy public transport access to the mum's house?
Is one of the 3 schools easier to get to by public transport for the far away parent? Because in a 50:50 split if one is easier for both to get to, then that needs to be considered.

Piginablankie · 26/12/2021 18:07

I would actually ask the daughter first what she wanted to do, then I would ensure the best parental decision is made. Could a compromise be made that an alternative school near the mother's is found, with a better ofsted rating?
If the parents can't agree then I would assume the matter goes to the family court via a specific issue order but owing to the fact she's secondary school age, it's highly likely the court will ask her what SHE wants.

RedWingBoots · 26/12/2021 18:25

My DP was going through something similar in September.

This is what they did:

Went to all the schools concerned and investigated whether they would suit their own child.
Each parent spoke to people they knew who they trusted who have children attending the schools.
My DP then explained why he wanted his child to go to one of the schools more than the rest with pros and cons.
They agreed their choices and listed them. My DP's preferred school was first with mother's preferred choices second and third.

They now need to see if they got their child into the preferred school or not.

In their case the child will use public transport to get to any of the schools so the issues where whether the school would be able to meet their child's individual needs.

There is no point sending a child to an outstanding academic school if the child isn't academic. Likewise if the school specializes in sports and the child isn't sporty them sending them to that school could be hell for them.

Also if the child is a girl due to the sexual abuse allegations in mixed schools that were in the media recently in the UK, then a girls school rated "good" may be preferred over a mixed school rated "outstanding".

cherryonthecakes · 26/12/2021 18:29

Who has the child more Monday to Friday? (School days)

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 26/12/2021 18:29

Last resort Court and a judge decides

Ime (10 dc past secondary school age). The school that gives the dc the most independence - as well as Ofsted reports obviously.. Ability to travel to /from /asc /friends nearby. Relying on lifts etc isn't viable /acceptable to teens!

Pinkyxx · 26/12/2021 21:56

I have a ''lived with'' order and my ex disagreed on the choice of school. While we don't live as close to each other as your friend & ex do, he wanted DD to move to a school nearer him. I was advised by a lawyer that if we could not reach agreement, a court would have to decide and a specific issue order would be made to resolve the dispute. In other words, even though DD lives with me 90% of the time per a court order, he could still veto as both parents have equal say in respect of educational decisions.

RedWingBoots · 27/12/2021 12:12

OP are you going to come back?

Original poster

TheGreenDiary · 27/12/2021 14:07

Hello,

Yes I am here and reading the replies. Thank you to all the responders so far. I have relayed them to my friend who is thankful.

He hadn't considered offering transport, but he does agree that that's a good compromise if a school closer to him is chosen.

Their daughter is quite a young 9 year old. As she is now, it is unlikely that she will be streetwise enough to get the bus at 11, so he (the dad) isn't considering that to be an option at this stage.

OP posts:

RedWingBoots · 27/12/2021 15:55

OP he needs to start working on getting her able to walk around and take public transport on her own by simply not driving her every where all the time.

He would help his argument for her to go to a school near him if she is able to travel independently between her parents homes quite quickly.

nancy75 · 27/12/2021 16:01

In my London Borough you wouldn’t get the choice - places are allocated based on the distance from the child’s home address ( this is the house where the child benefit is paid)
You can’t use 2 addresses & go for either/or and you would be very unlikely to get a place in a school 20 minutes drive away.
I appreciate it is not the same everywhere but it may well be a factor.

RedWingBoots · 27/12/2021 17:44

@nancy75 which borough is that?

As in the boroughs I know it is simply up to the separated parents to agree which parent address is used.

I know personally parents who don't receive the child benefit but their child(ren) use their address for school as they lived near the schools that better suited their child(ren).

MrMistoffee · 27/12/2021 17:47

Of course the child will be able to get public transport. They have two years for the child to mature.

Cptainflaps · 28/12/2021 07:56

The process of you can’t decide (at least where I live) is that if the parents can’t decide, the application is put on hold until they come to a decision, if this extends past the application cut off date then the local authority take charge and will give a place to the child at the closest school with spaces.

Unfortunately my situation is similar to your friends, and DSC is now at a school that doesn’t cater for her needs and DM is smug as anything because she “wins”

Original poster

TheGreenDiary · 30/12/2021 21:06

Okay, this is getting confusing now as people are claiming different things?

Hypothetically, if my friend was to fill out a form for the school local to him (bearing in mind that he gets the child benefit), is there anything his ex could do about it?

He isn't planning on doing this btw!

OP posts:

EduCated · 30/12/2021 21:17

If you post on the Secondary Education board there are some extremely knowledgable posters who will have dealt with situations like this.

RedWingBoots · 30/12/2021 21:22

OP she can take him to Court or wait it out like in @Cptainflaps case.

The reason people are saying different things is each local authority area and each school within that local authority can have different criteria on how they accept pupils.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 30/12/2021 21:22

Agree about posting on the secondary education board.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/secondary

There are a couple of admissions experts on there who can help with this.

Looneytune253 · 30/12/2021 21:27

@TheGreenDiary

Okay, this is getting confusing now as people are claiming different things?

Hypothetically, if my friend was to fill out a form for the school local to him (bearing in mind that he gets the child benefit), is there anything his ex could do about it?

He isn't planning on doing this btw!

There will only be one official school application go in and it goes via the local authority. I would imagine one of the parents already has a log in for the child from their primary application

Cptainflaps · 30/12/2021 22:20

OP the short answer to your question is yes there is something your friend can do.

There is a bit more back and forth with my personal dealings with this. I think your friend is best looking on his LA website or contacting them to see what the final stance is (because ultimately the child must be given a place somewhere), there are lots of options like mediation, court etc.

But after speaking with the LA directly, they almost force the hand of the disagreeing parents by saying, if you can’t pick, we’ll override and lump you with the nearest one.

Cptainflaps · 30/12/2021 22:23

If he was to fill out a form, then the ex also fills out a form. They can only have one application, so both go on hold until parents can decide between the two. If it reaches the cut off date and still no agreement then both go in the theoretical bin and the LA picks a space from what’s left over.

cantseeforlooking · 30/12/2021 22:38

My DC's are 50/50 , I claim CB for 1 he claims for the other .

We chose the best school available with a reasonable chance of getting into it from the stock we had around us at both addresses . All good , Dd got a place and we were both very happy about it . The application came to my address and I filled it out .

When it came to the dc that he claims the CB for , the application still came to me to fill out as mine must have been the address the school have first on the list . The form asks if you have PR , not if you claim CB for that child so it could be a case of who get the application in get the choice . It was a moot point by then as she is going to same school as her Ds anyway but I had wondered if it would be done any differently as my youngest does technically live at her dads and not mine ( according to CB) .

Tiredtiredtired100 · 30/12/2021 22:40

Check out the LA policy, an awful lot stipulate that the child benefit address is the determining factor.

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