Feel like I'm losing myself

[Joojoonuts]

I posted up not long ago about my DSS, who had recently come to live with us, telling other children that I'm his mum. Here's the thread here. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4412831-DSS-telling-other-children-Im-his-mum

In that thread I explain the history of why the children came to live with us (their mother has mental health issues). I also said that it was going great, which is still true in that i love the kids to bits and they seem to like me and we all get on great. But despite all that I'm starting to find it really hard and I'm finding my head go to really negative places which just isn't like me.

We have had literally one small blip since they came, this was immediately after visiting their mum the first time she was allowed unsupervised access. Something I didn't mention in my previous post as it wasn't relevant then was that I also have a young baby who was only a couple of months old when the DSC came to live with us. We weren't sure how they'd react to their new sibling but they are completely doting on him and have totally welcomed him into their lives. After the first unsupervised visit with their mum however they came home and were really really nasty about the baby. My baby has some very visible birth marks and it transpired that they had been making fun of him with their mum while they were there. From what we were told it appears that this was led by their mum but they very much joined in. It really really upset me to imagine a grown woman making fun of my baby, as well as hearing one of the children repeating it and making fun of him in our home. However immediately after this was said they apologised and went straight back to being really caring and loving towards their baby brother.

However this seems to have triggered me into adopting a very negative mindset which I have been finding really hard to shake. I know that they were just mimicking what they had heard from their mum (as they have done on other occasions but it is usually directed towards DP) but it was really upsetting to imagine an adult making fun of my baby and hear their siblings repeat it as a result of that and whilst I haven't changed my behaviour outwardly it has really affected my thoughts about our current situation.

Since the kids came to live with us absolutely everything has centred on them because that's what they've needed. I've been desperate to build a good relationship with them and for them to build a good relationship with their little brother and other than that one blip I'd say we've done pretty well with that! However they have been through a lot and so every single aspect of our lives is based on them and supporting them as they rebuild relationships and and reintroduced to life outside the four walls they've been confined to for so long. This has meant I've not been able to attend the baby groups I would have liked to or done any of the things I thought I would have spent my maternity doing. DP also spends far less time with the baby than I would have liked, because he spends all his time with DSC. I haven't begrudged this at all because it's what they need and my baby has me and my family to dote on him. I was happy all the time particularly as we were all doing so well as a family and after everything that happened I didn't expect that. but since the comments about my baby were made I seem to think really negative about things. Suddenly I feel really down about my baby not getting much time with his dad and not ever getting to do the things I might like to do. I feel like my baby and I are just side bits in everyone's lives. I feel like I've lost everything about myself that used to make me, me.

I don't even think it's got to do with the comment as we're way past that. The DSC aren't doing anything wrong and on the surface no one would know I feel this way - everyone keeps telling me and DP how well we're doing with it all but I just feel so down inside. DP is the only one who seems to have noticed as he asked me what was going on with me as I've been seeming really timid recently which isn't like me. I told him it's because I'm tired but really it's because I feel like I've completely lost myself and I'm just doing whatever i can to make sure everyone else is happy and okay and I'm starting to get really overwhelmed.

Sorry that's so long and probably a bit of a ramble. I just felt like i needed to say it to someone.

Hi Hun,

Sounds like a really stressful situation to be in. There is another thread about not being happy if SC had to move in full time with SM. I would certainly find it a struggle, since I had my babies by thoughts and feeling totally changed too. I also feel sad that my DP spends all his time with SD when shes here (we are the primary home and he is the primary parent as BM isnt in the best health, which worries me constantly as it may well come to it one day that she'd like to live with us full time...) and he does things with her that he wont do with our children because I do it all. SD is a good kid, doesnt do anything wrong, loves her half siblings but our relationship isnt great as I am focusing on 2 under 2 which is exhausting, I dont want to look after another child on top.

I dont really have any advice I'm afraid but you arent alone in those feelings. I sadly have come to the realisation that I will be never be 100% happy with our set up but I'm ok with it as long as there is compromise and balance and good communication.

How old are SC? People always say it will get easier the older they get ...

Wow it does sound like you've been amazing and made a great life for the dsc and baby. I think you need to be honest with your DP though or you will gain resentment and that doesn't need to happen. Surely you can go to one baby group a week? And surely DP can do one activity a week with the baby as bonding time....alongside say bath time every other day. There is a way here to make minor changes thay won't impact dsc while you get whay you need to. You just need to make a plan for Jan when kids are back at school and stick to it.

I would be recording what happens and when re the visits to mum as well. If she is negatively impacting them then visits need to be supervised so you will need evidence.

What does your dp think about balancing it all? Has he sought any professional opinion on how to ensure his dc feel safe as they've had a huge rupture in their attachment? What is he considering around bringing some balance into your home?

I like the idea of him doing the baby's bathtime role evening.

Have you told him how you feel? If I was him I'd be so thankful and thoughtful about what you're doing OP.

You need some support so you don't end up with pnd. You may already be experiencing it now. Can you talk to your health visitor about how you're feeling please.

@harryclr

It's good to hear from someone in a similar situation. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. After everything that happened to them I was completely prepared for rejection, outbursts and lash-back from the children when they came here and having a difficult time building relationships. But none of that happened. I didn't expect for it to all go so well relationship wise, and yet I'm still finding it hard without all of that stuff I thought might happen, happening. It's hard raising someone else's children, even when they are great kids!

The DSC are 5, 8 and 10 so hopefully as they get older and more independent it will become easier. Right now it feels like a never ending cycle of tidying, cleaning and washing clothes. They know how to do very little for themselves as they were just left to their own devices for so long previously, DP has had to teach them how to brush their teeth and wash themselves and they ask why they need to keep doing this because they never had to before. They need support with absolutely everything and the youngest two are scared to be without an adult so won't ever play on their own and if they are ever away from either my partner or I they need to check in constantly. It's what they need to feel safe but it can be draining.
I really hope that it does get easier as time goes on, it just feels like I've lost every part of my freedom and sense of myself overnight. (and then I feel guilty for saying that because they've lost everything about what their life was before, although much of what they were living with was damaging so as an adult it's easy ti say that they're better off but as young children their whole world has been turned upside down). Maybe that's just what it's like having kids but it has been a bit of a shock to the system.

@Morechocmorechoc

Thanks. Where we are there are currently only 2 baby groups running due to covid, both at the same time and somehow there juat constantly seems to be things come up that have meant I couldn't get to them. It was hard as DSC weren't in school initially, as they hadn't attended for so long it took a while to build up to it then they started back and got ill immediately and had to stay off again, they have just started back again now so hopefully I can get to one of the baby groups after Christmas.

I spoke to DP about him doing something with the baby when they are visiting their mum which he was keen to do. I like the bath time idea so will suggest that too.

If there was a way you could have a day a week to yourself, just you and the baby, it might help. Suddenly to be instaparent to a baby and 3 disturbed young children sounds more than a body is built to stand.

What is the money situation like? Any flex there? Any way of hiring a one day a week nanny?

@Joojoonuts you're in the honeymoon period with the sdc. They will want to be around you and like all of the things that you do to make themselves as likable as possible to you. The backlash will come.

Have a Google about Foster carers and honeymoon periods and talk to dp about this. You need to get some support in place before that happens.

@SnowWhitesSM
Sorry I was in the middle of responding to you and had to sort something out.

Ive spoken to him about it and he says he gets it but I think he's struggling himself to find the balance. One night the baby was crying with colic and I couldn't calm him, eventually after putting DSC to bed DP came and took him out a walk to settle him. When they got back DS was sound asleep and DP had tears in his eyes and said, "I've not been spending enough time with him have I?" and I said no he's not and he has made more of an effort since then but the effort will tend to only be when DSC are seeing their mum or at school or in bed. He's said that right now DSC need him more than anyone and DS needs me more than anyone (I'm breastfeeding) which is true to a point, they definitely need him and DS needs me but DS needs his dad too and needs to also be a priority. He has been saying every night how grateful he is and I know he appreciates me and is becoming overwhelmed himself as he's being pulled in lots of different directions at once and he's trying to keep everyone afloat.

A very close family member has been giving advice and support on attachment as that is their area of expertise. I know what you mean about the honeymoon period and this has been something I've thought of myself (my sister and aunt are foster carers). The oldest has already started with the backlash a bit but this has always been directed towards DP and DP has dealt with it really well each time and they've talked it through so it's always been okay so far and never escalated. I can tell that they're not at the stage yet of being able to talk about what they've experienced before coming to us but at some point when they're ready they'll need support to work through that so DP and I have been talking about how that could be done when the time comes. We have got them into a school with an excellent nurture programme and they know the background so they will receive support there as well.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Financially we would usually be in a great position as both our jobs pay decent salaries however I'm on maternity and DP is going to need to get a new job closer to home now that the DSC are here which will mean a pretty big pay cut. Once things are a bit more settled though it could be something to look into in the future when we know where we're at financially.

My DSC made a similar comment about my LO and I heard them laughing. I know kids can be cruel but I've never seen them the same way since then and am wary of leaving them all alone together now. I had to really bite my tounge not to make a nasty comment about their appearance.

[quote Joojoonuts]@harryclr

It's good to hear from someone in a similar situation. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. After everything that happened to them I was completely prepared for rejection, outbursts and lash-back from the children when they came here and having a difficult time building relationships. But none of that happened. I didn't expect for it to all go so well relationship wise, and yet I'm still finding it hard without all of that stuff I thought might happen, happening. It's hard raising someone else's children, even when they are great kids!

The DSC are 5, 8 and 10 so hopefully as they get older and more independent it will become easier. Right now it feels like a never ending cycle of tidying, cleaning and washing clothes. They know how to do very little for themselves as they were just left to their own devices for so long previously, DP has had to teach them how to brush their teeth and wash themselves and they ask why they need to keep doing this because they never had to before. They need support with absolutely everything and the youngest two are scared to be without an adult so won't ever play on their own and if they are ever away from either my partner or I they need to check in constantly. It's what they need to feel safe but it can be draining.
I really hope that it does get easier as time goes on, it just feels like I've lost every part of my freedom and sense of myself overnight. (and then I feel guilty for saying that because they've lost everything about what their life was before, although much of what they were living with was damaging so as an adult it's easy ti say that they're better off but as young children their whole world has been turned upside down). Maybe that's just what it's like having kids but it has been a bit of a shock to the system.[/quote]
My goodness, you are a saint! 3 SC at those ages would be tough for anyone!

Its sad their mum isn't great, and yes, regardless, the childrens lives have been turned upside down. Has she always suffered? How/why did he have 3 children with her?!

Your partner does sound like a good one though, it will be extremely tough for him too. My SDs BM was in hospital for the past 6 weeks starting from 2 weeks before my due date. I found it incredibly difficult and stressful having SD here full time and having to constantly be thinking about and discussing my partners ex when we should have been enjoying my last 2 weeks of pregnancy and time with our firstborn before his life completely changed. I expressed my feelings to my partner and he was completely stressed being pulled in multiple directions and trying to keep the peace with everyone. I felt like you, really low and concerned about my mental health leading up to the birth, i cried daily and just wasnt coping well with rhe thought that this woman, my DPS ex was affecting my life so much at such an important and already emotional time.

Your DS deserves time and effort from his Dad but sadly he may never get the same amount of quality time as the SC got. Luckily he is so young though he wont know any of it! xxx