Help please!

[Girlmum2021]

Looking for some advice, I have a step daughter who is just about to turn 8 and I'm really struggling recently to enjoy the time when she comes to stay. She stays with me and my partner every weekend alternating full weekends and half weekends. Since she's almost 8, I expect her to do a few things to help out around the house. I know she's still fairly young so I don't expect much, I'm really only looking for her to at least tidy up her room and bed in the morning and before she leaves to go home which I think is totally reasonable. My partner and I have recently had a baby who is 5 weeks old, this is my first child so I'm doing my best to get to grips with being a mum full time. I had explained to SD that when the baby came we would be looking for her to help out a bit e.g. tidying her room, putting her dishes in the sink, pouring her own cereal etc. These are all things that I feel a child of her age is more than capable of doing, but she doesn't do any of it unless you constantly nag her which is just miserable for everyone. I'm 23 and have been in her life since she was 5 so know what she's like and try my best to find ways to get her to do these things but am having no luck. I'm also struggling because she's not used to having any other kids around when she's at our house so she's constantly acting out and forcing herself in everyone's face to try and get attention. We both try and split our time to make sure that at least one of us is spending time with each child, but it's getting to the point now that i feel my partner hardly gets to spend quality time with our baby as he works long hours all week and is dealing with SD on the weekends. She also tries to play/use all the baby things that we have e.g. baby bath, thermometer, baby toys and books. She still uses a baby voice a lot of the time and talks like a baby would which is really frustrating because I thought she would be past all this by now. I feel awful because I now just dread the weekends because I know she's coming, but feel like I can't say anything to my partner without it sounding like I'm being mean about his child. It's been on my mind for a while but don't know who to speak to without being judged so please no negativity! Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated as I hate feeling this way and just want to enjoy my time with her.

What a lovely person you are! ❤ Step daughter is obviously used to having it all her way, and in fairness why wouldnt she? Shes been in an only child scenario and grown to like it, now she's adjusting and unfortunately it's at the same time as you are going through the biggest "adjust " of your life ever.
The fact that you're even posting this means you are a good, decent and loving person.

She's going to regress baby-wise a bit, because she can see that's what is getting your attention. It's normal. Even adult daughters do that sometimes to get Dad's full attention! Try and laugh it off and see the humour in the situation if you can.

Can you get some help in from family, friends etc? Even pay for some help around the house/entertainment for DSD?

She is insecure- new baby and suddenly asking her to do things previously done for her.

hindsight is a wonderful thing - your DP should have started this before.

Just bear with it - she will being to realise she is not being pushed out and she still has a space.

4-5 weekends to adjust to the new reality is not long in the world of an 8 yr old.
Give her some time, involve her with the baby ( she is looking at the baby stiff so is intrigued) Quality time with a baby of 5 weeks is sitting watching them sleep, feed, poop and cuddle.

Think youa re expecting too much too soon

So you introduced a new sibling and new rules at the same time whilst expecting and telling this 8 year old that the new baby is here so she must now help care for it. The new sibling she didn't ask for?
The new sibling who has changed the dynamics between her and her stepmum and father?
And you are pissed because after 5 whole weeks of this new life that the 8 year old didn't ask for and the new responsibility you have decided the 8 year old now has said 8 year old is struggling to behave how you want?

Really this is the 8 year olds fault?
What is her father's opinion as we have heard what you want and what you expect. What's his view on his daughter?

@NeedsCharging I understand where you're coming from and take this on board but to be clear, we have been asking and encouraging her to help with these things for a while now, even before I fell pregnant. We're both keen to teach her how to do small tasks suitable for her age as she grows up but it has been a struggle for a long time, I was just looking for some advice as I've been struggling more than usual with it due to our new baby arriving. I'm not saying anything is her fault and am asking for advice for myself as I want to ensure everyone is happy and enjoying themselves when SD is staying with us. I completely understand that it's a new normal to adjust to and completely expected a change in behaviour so joined here to hopefully find some other mums who had gone through the same to help out and maybe give some advice on ways I could make the situation better for our whole family. Her father has the same view and as I mentioned, we're both making a point of ensuring that both children are getting the attention and time that they need so there's been no change there, we're actually focusing on making sure we have plenty of activities planned to do with SD and are trying to involve her as much as possible when either of us are dealing with the baby to make sure she doesn't feel pushed out.

@JML001 thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it! ❤ I completely understand it's a huge adjustment for everyone so just trying to learn ways I can change to make sure everyone is hqppy

I'd forget the 'step' bit altogether. If your normal family dynamic was your 8 year old was regressing a bit, needing more attention and playing with baby toys after a new arrival it would be normal behaviour.

I know you need her to step up. But at this very moment she needs you to step up even more for her. She'll temporarily want to be babied so she doesn't feel replaced. She's seeing what the baby is getting and she needs some of this.

It will pass quite quickly but give her what she needs. Wrap her in a snuggly blanket and bring her snacks and drinks. Let her play with baby toys and speak in a baby voice. Let her play at being a baby again.

She playing this out to find out how she fits in with the new baby in the mix. She's needing more of your attention than before. Your baby won't know as long as it's warm, fed and cuddled.

Congratulations on your new baby.

we're both making a point of ensuring that both children are getting the attention and time that they need so there's been no change there

You complained in your OP that the 2 days out of 7 your DSD sees her dad he's focusing his attention on her and not the 5 week old he lives with all the time...

we're actually focusing on making sure we have plenty of activities planned to do with SD and are trying to involve her as much as possible when either of us are dealing with the baby to make sure she doesn't feel pushed out.

Nowhere in you OP do you mention activities for DSD you just talk about how difficult she is being, how she's acting like a baby and taking up a whole 2 days of her fathers week.

Which is it OP?

If you are actually doing all the things you say you are in your second post then what advice is there left to give? It totally contradicts your first post.

Truth is while there was just DSD you were happy to give her all your love and attention. Now you have your own child DSD is "difficult. An inconvenience. Taking daddy time away from your baby."
You need to be a parent of 2 not one.
I am a step mum. 19 years now and I had to remind myself my first child was not my only child. You should too.

@NeedsCharging I mentioned that OP works long hours so when he gets home at night he will come home and go straight to bed. This isn't really my main problem, just thought it would be important to add. I'm not complaining about him spending time with DSD as I know this is really important at this time, I just feel like he doesn't really have any time with new baby due to work through the week.

My main point of the post was asking about her behaviour, and I mentioned how we make sure we're spending time with each child. I didn't go into detail as I never knew this was needed. We have plenty of activities etc that we had discussed beforehand that we would spend time doing with her e.g. Christmas games, baking,outing etc. My worry here is that even though we're trying to do this it doesn't seem to be helping matters. I was looking for more advice on how to make the situation better day to day, as we're trying our best to make her feel like our attention and time spent with her hasn't changed.

I see both girls as my children and have always treated DSD like my own, this hasn't changed. She is absolutely not an inconvenience and I would never say so, but yes things are difficult at the moment. There was always a challenge with behaviour but it did seem to ramp up a bit after the new baby arrived. Advice I'm looking for is how to help this as I don't want her to feel like things are any different from before, but asking her to help etc is something we have been doing for around a year now to ensure she's learning small tasks as she grows. I am struggling with this as I don't know how to make the situation better, so enjoying the time is hard. DSD has become a much bigger part of my life in the past year than she was initially due to other issues with her mother, so the role of actual step parent and finding my place is still something I'm trying to understand and do well without stepping on toes. As someone who has been a step parent for so long I would really welcome some helpful advice and understanding from you as I don't have anyone around me with step children to ask, but would appreciate it without such harsh judgment as I haven't had 19 years experience.

Advice I'm looking for is how to help this as I don't want her to feel like things are any different from before, but

They are different. There is a new person she has to share dad and you with. It's only been 5 weeks OP.
My advice is give yourself and her a break!
Stop trying to involve her in everything...its a burden once the novelty wears off
Babies are pretty boring at 5 weeks old.

She's 8 she can be asked to wait a moment when you deal with baby or be asked to pass you things if you need help but don't think she's bad or rebelling if she declines.
Spending quality time with her is important though with and without baby. You have to factor that in where you can. Remember she will always know her sibling gets daddy 7 days a week when she only gets 2. My DSS's were aware of that imbalance.

Op you sound like a lovely stepmum - think pp is giving you a really hard time.
You are a new mum too which takes time to get used to.
I used to expect my stepson to do his bit around the house - if he ever moaned, l said when the baby is old enough, l will expect the same from her...and now she is ten, she is expected to pull her weight too. You don't do kids favours by not giving them age appropriate responsibilities.
I would try and do more grown up things with her and make a fuss of her that way and keep telling her what a fabulous daughter and sister she is.

Totally agree with everything beautifullymad said. Dsd needs help from you and her dad to work out where she fits in. She's struggling. Give her a hand by lowering your expectations of her for a few visits are least. There's plenty of time to help her to learn to do more for herself but give her a break. Her whole little world suddenly changed with this new baby and she's no longer centre of attention where her dad is concerned. It's a big thing for an 8 year old to process.

@needscharging thank you for this, I suppose things are different now for her and I can't change that. I'll definitely take this on board about her only seeing her dad on weekends, I realise that will play a big part in things

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin thank you so much, and absolutely I of course will expect the exact same from the baby when she gets older, I'll make sure this is something I put across to her as I think that will really help. Thank you for the advice!

She is still young enough to follow things such as a sticker/reward chart for the things you want her to do. Make one, personalise it if you can. She gets stickers/ticks for doing her tasks. And a treat if some kind when the chart is ‘full’ you can make this as often as you like but I wouldn’t go more often than weekly and don’t make it a huge treat, something like a magazine or treat from the shop/ice cream or something.
That way instead of nagging, you can just say ‘do we need to out your stickers on this morning/before you go to mums?’ If she hasn’t done the chores you can’t put them on and instead of nagging she’s likely to say, oh no I’ll make my bed now, for the sticker. Then it’s not nagging it’s encouragement.

As for her regressing as others said, she will do, as new baby is here, make some allowances but I would also say don’t let it go on too long, and don’t play to it. Give her attention and time, but not when she’s in your faces etc, don’t reward that behaviour but give it at another time, when she’s maybe amusing herself or playing nicely, let her get the reward of it when doing the things you want her to do not what you don’t.

And it’s still ok to deal with negative behaviour. Yes she needs some allowances but also, she doesn’t need to be let get away with everything, that can quickly get out of control at that age.

The reality is the situation has changes and whilst you want her to see she’s still getting your attention and things and it hasn’t been ‘taken away’ by the baby the reality is any parents with a new baby will have less time whether the parent is always resident or not. She needs to learn this. Don’t let DPs dad guilt for only having weekends overshadow everything and DSD get him constantly as if he works long hours this is baby’s only time too, she has to learn to share you both, gently. It’s not easy for any kid, but I think in step parent situations it’s harder because no one wants to be seen to be replacing their family and pushing step kids out, but that’s not the case it’s just adjusting the same way every family does.

OP, I think that you are expecting s lot from a 7 year old child who spends roughly 6 days a month in your home particularly from a child who now has a new sibling who will get to be in the home on a full time basis.

I think that it is reasonable to expect her to make up her bed with help and to be responsible for putting away her toys.I think that it is unreasonable to expect her to prepare her own cereal. Surely, her father can do that especially when she is there for only half a weekend.

The day that she is there for only one weekend day should involve her father spending that as one on one time with her as her will have an opportunity for one on one time with the baby on the other weekend day in which the daughter is not in your home.

Newborns tend not to be particularly interesting to older siblings and so it is not likely that you can plan activities that will involve much engagement between the 2.

Relax and ease up. Let the relationship and adjustment evolve naturally. Let your husband assist the 7 year old with the tasks. He can teach her to do them appropriately while using that time as one on one bonding time. It can be me time with dad rather than chore time. A child who is only there on the weekends is not creating that much extra work such that there needs to be a major focus on chores.

You may feel stressed with a new baby, but that is both normal and relatively easy to manage. You just need to step back and relax.

I don't think it is too much to ask a child to generally clear up after themselves, and pouring your own cereal isn't difficult. However, if she is someone who already needed prompting a lot to tidy up etc it probably unrealistic to expect this to suddenly change right now. You may cause yourself extra unnecessary stress by wanting this to change quickly. Could you say something to DP, such as 'please could you make sure SD's room is tidy before she goes to mum's on Sunday?' And leave it to him to manage? And try not to have that be part of your mental load right now?

The regressing thing is totally normal. My SD (similar age when dd2 was born) went through similar. I would make sure to find ways to remind SD that she is still loveable and special, and not just in terms of helping with the baby. She probably needs reassurance. I personally ignored the baby voice bit but made sure to give lots of positive attention and 'oh wow what a great example to your little sister' etc. I find positive reinforcement of good behaviour really works and helps with SDs confidence

Some previous posters have been really unkind as per usual. Your a new mum your finding it hard. 8 is a tricky age.

I would lower your expectations for everyone including the toddler. If she wants to act like a baby that's fine but try to incentivise privileges for big girl behaviour, making sure she knows that she's getting it because she's older.

@NeedsCharging

So you introduced a new sibling and new rules at the same time whilst expecting and telling this 8 year old that the new baby is here so she must now help care for it. The new sibling she didn't ask for? The new sibling who has changed the dynamics between her and her stepmum and father? And you are pissed because after 5 whole weeks of this new life that the 8 year old didn't ask for and the new responsibility you have decided the 8 year old now has said 8 year old is struggling to behave how you want?

Really this is the 8 year olds fault?
What is her father's opinion as we have heard what you want and what you expect. What's his view on his daughter?

Oh what a surprise this post arrived. OP has stated clearly she doesn't like feeling this way and asked for help and advice. I see neither in your post.

Some really good advice here from the posters bar one.

In answer to your question about trying to stop feeling like this OP, I would suggest really working at accepting it. I had a dynamic that felt like a struggle OP (ages a little further along). It really upset me but then I made the decision I would let it play out and see what happened. So when dsd came instead of trying to blend everyone I said "spend time with your daughter, me and little one will be fine". After a while things changed. Once we stopped pushing. You could talk about some things you and dsd will do together when baby is a little older. So she knows she still has her own spot.

And congratulations!

OP it's pretend standard behaviour in any household when a new baby comes along, and it will improve in time, but it's only been 5 weeks so I think you need to lower your expectations slightly for the minute.

It's also quite important to realise that your DSD might even feel a little resentment toward your DD, as this new sibling gets daddy 24/7 whilst she only gets him 6 days out of 30 and has to share that time with new baby and you. It's a lot for a 7yo to process.

I gave up caring if their room was a tip. Up to them if they want to live like that. Any other mess I ask DH to tidy up everytime

Whilst you sound very caring, you also sound like you're expecting quite a lot from an 8 year old who is adjusting to having a new sibling..
I wouldn't try so hard. Maybe take a step back and let your partner deal with her parenting.. You have enough to deal with with your newborn.
Cut both of yourselves some slack.

I could of written your post but my dsd was 10 and all I'd asked was for to start to pop her dishes in the dishwasher as she'd always made her bed from about 5yrs. But wow you'd think I'd asked her to do a top to bottom clean of the house .. she went back to her mums complaining about us bullying and making her work !! Once dh husband explained exactly what had been asked of her to the ex the dsd realised she wasn't going to play us off she's done this for years.. But in fairness to her now she's 12 about to be 13 she's absolutely brilliant and a great help when here she really didn't get the baby stage it was boring but she loves her sister to bits now she's a toddler and it was really is great to see and a godsend of help when she's here .. it will just take time

My DSD was 6 when her dad and I had our first child, I found the dynamic changed quite a bit. Like you, I’ve always tried to play fair, but I did feel resentful for a while that time my DH would have had with our kids was taken up seeing his DD and ferrying her to and from wherever his ex had decided to move to most recently. I found it particularly hard when my babies were very small and I felt like we were always bottom of the list of DH’s priorities. In retrospect, I think those feelings were probably natural, when you’re a new parent I think you’re hard wired to want everything to be perfect for your baby and it’s hard when you feel like it isn’t.

Then I gave my head a shake and resolved that if I wanted the relationship to work, I needed to find a way to get over those feelings. It’s taken some perseverance, I continue to care for my DSD, try to make sure she feels like she’s at home here (which she is) and I’d never leave her out or go away without her and when I buy things for my kids, I buy for her too, but I’ve really taken a backseat on the parenting, I leave that totally to DH and I’ve found that to be better for self preservation and we live a lot more harmoniously most of the time. X