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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter is a bully

17 replies

LincolnCathedral · 21/12/2021 17:54

I’ve just found out from a very reliable source that my 17 year old SD had been bullying his daughter for several years. SD and this man’s daughter were very good friends until about 3 years ago, this is when the bullying started.
TBH there have been occasions I’ve mentioned to DH that I’ve suspected her of being a bully but this is the first actual example I have. DH absolutely refused to accept she was capable of this and I had no proof I said no more.
The bullying was dealt with and the ‘victim’ of the bullying has thankfully moved on.
I have a pretty awful relationship with SD for many reasons that I don’t really wish to go into.
WWYD - should I talk to her father about this? He’s a Disney dad who won’t believe it anyway. I’m almost completely disengaged from step parenting due mainly to SD’s pretty awful attitude so do I just keep my own business and say nothing?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2021 17:56

Say nothing. What do you want him to do?

He’ll just think you’re being mean about her and you know how that’ll go for you.

Maintain the distance you’ve created and enjoy less drama.

Nowomenaroundeh · 21/12/2021 18:13

Say nothing. There have been various references to bullying by my DSD by teachers over the years, my DP was once called to the school, received a phonecall another time (both of these were after they couldn't contact the mum so heaven's knows how many incidents she's been contacted about) and twice another girls mother phoned to speak to him after getting no response from mum.

Every time he asked her was there any truth to it, she said no a misunderstanding. He took this at face value and maintains that bullies don't look like his daughter.

I used to get extremely exasperated at the ostrich behaviour but now I frankly have better things to worry about. She has two parents, they rewarded bad behaviour. It's down to them, nothing to do with me.

cansu · 21/12/2021 18:17

Don't get involved. FWIW as a teacher I can tell you that I have never had a parent accept that their child has been bullying another, ever. This is interesting as bullying is such a problem and many parents say their child has been a victim of bullies.

Original poster

LincolnCathedral · 21/12/2021 18:20

I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t believe a word of it - exactly like the ‘bullies don’t look like my daughter’ comment.
For my own sanity and taking the lessons I’ve learnt from the battles over the years I’m not likely to say anything.
In a sad way it’s almost a relief to know my instinct was spot on, although I am very sorry for the girls she’s bullied. I’m sure there are many.
I apologised to the man I was speaking to, of course it’s not my circus but I am deeply ashamed on her behalf.

OP posts:

Original poster

LincolnCathedral · 21/12/2021 18:23

@cansu that’s such a sad thing to hear but very interesting.

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candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 19:27

I get the wanting to fix a wrong.

But there's no meaningful way of getting DH to open he's eyes. If the school hasn't done it then you won't.

Nacho your way out of this one and live a nice peaceful existence knowing that you didn't create this situation.

SandyY2K · 21/12/2021 21:05

@cansu

FWIW as a teacher I can tell you that I have never had a parent accept that their child has been bullying another, ever.

I'm sure it's very rare, but I had a parent call and apologise that her child was bullying mine. She was horrified at the evil plan they had in store...and that her child was part of it....although she said her daughter couldn't have thought of that and felt she was misled by the others. This was about 11 years ago now.

Our kids had been friends at one time and four kids had planned something horrible for my daughter. One of them felt bad and the day before, she told my daughter what was planned.

My daughter told me through tears and I was at the school before they opened waiting for the headteacher the next day.

The school took it very seriously and dealt with it, phoning all the parents after they had investigated and dealt with the girls.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2021 21:07

It’s not your shame to bear.

Original poster

LincolnCathedral · 21/12/2021 22:10

@AnneLovesGilbert no it isn’t my shame, you’re right, but by association I am linked to this.
I’ve had nothing to do with her upbringing as she had two parents to do that but people will still judge.

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candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 22:14

@SandyY2K what did they have in store for your daughter? Man alive this makes me fear school it really does.

One bully I understand, a pack mentality to hurt another really blows my mind about just how cruel kids can be.

Is your DD ok now ?

candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 22:23

@LincolnCathedral I think your probably in a place to say, you know I think that actually might be some merit in what's being said but not get into heavy details. Just a small but firm nod that you do not actually agree with what DH is saying. And just don't engage further.

Or if faced with direct convo about something like this with another parent, you can apologise and say I'm sorry for DSC actions and simply say along the lines of I am a step parent so directly may hands are tied in terms of handling it but you have my full support to whatever the school decides to do re the bullying. This may take the sting out of it as people may think you are of same opinion as DH

If it helps when my DSD hurt the dog and we had to rehome her, I was very clear about why and wouldn't lie about what was happening. DH hinted at me sugar coating it but I pointed out that stating the facts and what had happened, wasn't a attack on DSC and the new potential owners need to know why the dog would flinch around young adults/tweens.

Oh the shame that came with that was enormous. But shame grows in the dark, bringing it to life and being honest helps minimise the shame for me at any rate.

vivainsomnia · 22/12/2021 08:51

The problem is you are biased and only have the account if your friend, who indeed, could see his own child as a complete victim when the bullying could have been two ways.

Stay out of it.

Original poster

LincolnCathedral · 22/12/2021 09:34

@vivainsomnia you’re right I am biased but I’ve witnessed her behaviours from a safe distance for years and know exactly what sort of personality she has. I’m less biased than a parent would be!
The person who told me is not actually a friend, he is a trusted work colleague who I’ve known many years. The bullying won’t have been two ways as I also know his daughter.
I will stay out of it but not because of your aggressive stance!

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candlelightsatdawn · 22/12/2021 11:43

@vivainsomnia

The problem is you are biased and only have the account if your friend, who indeed, could see his own child as a complete victim when the bullying could have been two ways.

Stay out of it.

Why would you assume the OPs loyalties would lie with coworker over DSC ? Weird assumption assuming actually she will have more on the ground perspective of her DSC than her co worker.

Loyalty has nothing to do with blindly shutting your eyes to facts of thing presented by both sides and what's been witnessed over the years.

Rangoon · 23/12/2021 20:56

I think I would have rehomed the stepdaughter and her apologist father and kept the dog. There is something sickening about deliberately hurting a defenceless pet and I just couldn't have that child in the house.

Original poster

LincolnCathedral · 23/12/2021 21:22

Update - I plucked up the courage to talk to DH about the bullying! He totally surprised me and agreed she is capable of this! You could have knocked me down with a feather. He did say she was probably not the ring leader but this is a huge step forward in the usual gas lighting and Over protective fathering he usually displays. I feel listened to for the first time in a long time! He’s going to speak to her and find out her version of events. Could his blinkers finally have been lifted ? I won’t count my chickens just yet!

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SandyY2K · 26/12/2021 10:39

@candlelightsatdawn

@SandyY2K what did they have in store for your daughter? Man alive this makes me fear school it really does.

Amongst other things, they had made up a nasty song, rehearsed it and planned to sing it to her during break time to humilate and tell her she wasn't their friend anymore. They'd decided who would sing what bits and everything. The HT was brilliant about dealing with it. I'd told my DD she could stay home and not go to school that day, but she wanted to go.... so I went to the school and she didn't even know I'd gone.

The HT asked what she'd done to deserve it and they couldn't come up with anything. I think some if it was jealousy. She's always been bright and academic, but as a kid, she just gone on with it.

After they wrote apology letters and the HT had words with them, they were all so nice and couldn't do enough for her.

I had a friend who worked in the school and she told me the HT was on it as soon as school started that day. She had each girl in the office individually to get the truth out of them.

Is your DD ok now ?

Yes she is. She's now in her second year at university. This was on primary school. I hope she's forgotten about it... she forgave them all.

I just find that girls especially, can be very mean and nasty. It's not so much physical bullying with girls either. It's thus bitchiness.

I called the mum whose daughter tipped my DD off and thanked her.

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