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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Too much time on the phone?

24 replies

orinocom · 21/12/2021 09:30

Can you please give me some perspective how much your partner spends time on the phone to DC when DC are with the other parent?

My boyfriend has one DD aged 9. She doesn't have a phone so every time he wants to speak to her he phones her mum. He used to call her once a day for about an hr. Then a few weeks ago he started calling her first thing in the morning for around 15mins, then when she is back from school for around an hr and then before she goes to bed for around 20 mins. Every single day for the last few weeks.

Why do I get a feeling this is too much? Is it? He has DD 40% of time. Mum is very accommodating so he can have DD whenever he wants on the top of that.

We spent last few days together and I'm just annoyed at it all. I can't even sleep because his phone is on full volume at night in case DD's mum needs him, in case something happens. We have been together 2 years and he has only started doing it recently. He keeps getting messages at night, notifications, even if I ask what is it he says it doesn't matter. But yet he asks me every night to remember to silent my phone so it doesn't wake us up.

There you go. So I was woken up 2 days ago by one of these notifications and I went to a different room but couldn't fall asleep again (we are at my home). Later I told him that's not on, he could put a volume down at least, but no. We are on day 3 of him being grumpy about it. He phones DD all jolly and happy and once he is off the phone to her he is back to being grumpy making a fun out of me and not engaging in any sort of conversation.

I guess I'm having a bad day.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sowhatsnext · 21/12/2021 09:44

Honestly, just leave it now. Before you have kids with him, before you get too invested.

I know that seems incredibly harsh but it doesn’t get any better.

Original poster

orinocom · 21/12/2021 10:05

@sowhatsnext

In what sense it doesn't get better?
I would want to have a family one day. I'm mid 30s so if it is going to get worse I don't think this is a relationship I want to be in

OP posts:

newnest · 21/12/2021 10:25

Hi OP, yes I can relate 6am the texts start coming in from DH EXW and then he phones DSS from 7-8am every morning. It's quite frustrating as he goes full volume when speaking on the phone meaning there is no hope to get back to sleep.

He then texts EXW all day, messages are always rolling in but I don't really mind this i guess it's just like me scrolling through Facebook or MN but the pinging of his phone is a bit annoying lol.

He then calls him when he finishes nursery and before bed, which is annoying sometimes especially when we are preparing dinner together and he is on the phone for an hour meaning I have to do it all and being pregnant and standing for long periods of time cooking is not the best thing lol.

I think it's just something you have to put up with, when DH goes on the phone I'll often just watch a video or stick my audio book on to distract myself from his loud phone voice haha.

Ignore the people saying 'you shouldn't have got with him you should know better blah blah' you've got this ducky

TooMuchPaper · 21/12/2021 10:27

he is back to being grumpy making a fun out of me and not engaging in any sort of conversation.

Do you want to be with him?

Tattler2 · 21/12/2021 10:35

OP, a fair question to ask yourself is how much time will be too much time to spend communicating with the young children that you expect to have?..if an hour and a half a day is too much, then you have your answer.

The need and desire to interact and be aware and informed about the actions and well being of children are tied to their existence rather than where or with whom they live. If the 2 of you cannot resolve. This issue, it does not bode well for a life together.

CallMeNutribullet · 21/12/2021 10:54

I think you have 2 different issues. The notifications in the middle of the night which are totally suspect and you have a right to be annoyed about and the fact he calls his young daughter multiple times per day which is absolutely fine and desirable in a good father.

It's possible being with a man who has children isn't for you and that's fine. Being jealous of a child isn't a good look.

That being said his phone usage sounds dodgy and he could be looking elsewhere

RedWingBoots · 21/12/2021 12:50

We are on day 3 of him being grumpy about it. He phones DD all jolly and happy and once he is off the phone to her he is back to being grumpy making a fun out of me and not engaging in any sort of conversation.

There are plenty of threads on here about dad guilt. You are and will bear the brunt of how crap he feels for not living with his child 100% of the time.

If his child or her mother decides to limit his calls for any reason e.g. the morning call is disruptive, his child gets her own social life as she gets older, then you will bear the brunt of how crap he feels.

If you have children with him as soon as he wants to focus on his eldest child at the expense of your joint children, you and your joint children will bear the brunt of him ignoring them.

Not all separated dad's parent like this however you are going out with one.

I suggest you look at other threads on this part of the forum as there are others that show poor nrp behaviour taken out on the step-parent. Then decide if you want that to be the rest of your life as unfortunately it doesn't stop when the child gets to 18 or even in their 30s.

Kbyodjs · 21/12/2021 13:30

I think there’s a few issues here - the speaking to his daughter so much doesn’t strike me as a bad thing as I’d feel I’d want the same if I was away from my DD and I do think you just need to accept that.
The phone in the night is quite annoying - he could set his phone to ring only if his DCs mum calls which would sort that problem out. I wasn’t sure if it’s his ex texting or not which I’d find annoying during the night.
Lastly though and the more worrying one is him being grumpy with you for 3 days, what’s happened in the past when you’ve had arguments? Life is too short for someone who can keep on a grump/sulk for 3+ days

Pinkyxx · 21/12/2021 13:43

The whole middle of the night notifications is not on.. it's not clear who the msg alerts are from.. unless DD was being taken to hospital in an emergency I wouldn't contact ex in the night. At 9, seems a bit odd that it would be his DD messaging, shouldn't she be asleep?.. either way it's not ok.

In terms of talking to his daughter daily, I think that's a very good thing for his child.

Tattler2 · 21/12/2021 13:48

OP, a please keep in mind that a separated parent realizing and being aware that this might not be the life that they wanted or would have preferred for their child is not necessarily a situation of parenting from guilt . Sometimes, it is simply parenting from a state of awareness.

Also, a parent does not necessarily want or desire less contact with his or her child just because the do not have full custody of that child. The parental feelings do not lessen or diminish because the child is not with them on a full time basis.

In an intact family, no one would suggest that a father speaking frequently to his was somehow amiss.

A good gauge on what you should think is acceptable is to determine how much time that you expect to spend with the children that you plan to have. When you do for them, spend time with them, indulge them to the extent that you are financially able, attend their school and sporting events, etc, people will assume that you are parenting out of love. Should you become a nrp and do many of those same things, some unhappy person will declare that rather than parenting out of love and awareness, you are instead parenting out of guilt.

Magda72 · 21/12/2021 14:01

@orinocom is the dd on the phone to her dm the 40% she's with your dp?

candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 16:17

I mean am I the only mum that would be driven slightly crackers by this if my ex wanted to do this with out DD.

Bonkers this would drive me bonkers. Sounds like dad guilt to me. Bugger knows how to solve it.

The notifications thing at night needs to be knocked on head.

The calls meh who cares ? I'm assuming actually that it's not the calls but something to do with DH and is general treatment of you that's bothering you. So I'm guessing the calls are a red herring it's just the calls are the tangible thing you can put your finger on ?

cherryonthecakes · 21/12/2021 16:26

How often does mum call up when dsd is with you ?

Original poster

orinocom · 21/12/2021 16:54

Her mum calls once a day, if that. Other than that she would send a message for DD and that's it.

I'm not jelaous about his DD and I understand it is good he is hands on dad. It is more, how some of you pointed out, the way he is treating me here.

He could have turned the volume of the phone down, out of politeness if he knows I'm right next to him, trying to sleep. He could have said that it's ex texted asked something. He chose not to do it and that's the but it hurts.

OP posts:

NoMoreChocolateCoins · 21/12/2021 17:00

Who is messaging him in the middle of the night? Or is it just ping it when a junk email gets delivered or something?

ChrissyPlummer · 21/12/2021 17:01

The night thing with the phone is strange. I can set mine to ‘Do Not Disturb’ but allow calls/msg from selected contacts. Would that be an option? So his phone is on DND but would allow a call/msg from the ex if there was an overnight emergency.

Original poster

orinocom · 21/12/2021 17:15

He has got the same ring for all txt messages, whatsapp, emails and instagram messages. I don't always ask but when I do he says 'it doesn't matter' and cuts it. I'm not jealous person but what he does isn't ok especially that when I get any sort of messages he either picks my phone to read them or asks who was it and what they've said. He on the other hand keeps it all to himself

He is still in a mood. You can set up this special contact to get notifications even if his phone is on DND, I've just Googled it and will ask him to do it.

OP posts:

cherryonthecakes · 21/12/2021 17:21

This is just going to get worse imo. Imagine your future child being treated second class like you because their sister is at her mum's and there might be a call

Personally I would leave over the phone stuff. It's good that he calls his dd but the stuff at night would drive me barmy not to mention the lack of communication about what texts say when they interrupt your day as well.

Theforest · 21/12/2021 17:24

It must be the mum sending messages at night. What is so important that it cant wait and why so often? I dont get it.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 17:25

he started calling her first thing in the morning for around 15mins, then when she is back from school for around an hr and then before she goes to bed for around 20 mins. Every single day for the last few weeks.

I think that’s unhealthily obsessed tbh and I’d wonder whether it’s controlling too.

SandyY2K · 21/12/2021 20:47

I don't like that double standard of it being okay for him to have his volume up, but not you. Then he doesn't say who the message is from.

I think the number of calls is a bit much tbh. I'm suprised a 9 year old can keep going for an hour.

Tattler2 · 21/12/2021 20:58

It seems that the partner may have been inconsiderate, and given what may be late night notifications, he may have even been cheating. There were several reasons to make one think that he might not be the best boyfriend or partner, but why make his relationship with his daughter the cause of the problems? It is unlikely that his young daughter was sending him messages in the wee hours.

NoMoreChocolateCoins · 21/12/2021 21:01

when I get any sort of messages he either picks my phone to read them or asks who was it and what they've said. He on the other hand keeps it all to himself

This is really controlling and so far from okay or normal that I really don’t think it would be in your best interests to continue with this relationship.

sassbott · 21/12/2021 21:12

My exh and I have a similar set up. (60/40)

My exh will call the kids once to twice a day. Typically before school and at some point in the evening. The calls can last anywhere from 30 secs (hi, how are you, fine, love you, bye) to a few mins (if there was a football match the night before for example or kids had something to relay from school). When my kids are with their dad? We message and I may call once a day.

That sounds like a long time to talk, but each to their own.

I’m more piqued at why his phone is pinging throughout the night (and why on earth isn’t it set to silent with emergency contacts who can get through).

And I’m also slightly ref flagged over his not sharing anything on his phone but thinking he can pick your phone up to read/ demand who has messaged. That’s not ok.

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