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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Will I get an apology?

22 replies

NoMoreChocolateCoins · 20/12/2021 12:09

I have a term time job and am always off during the holidays to look after primary-aged DC.

DH is a paramedic so he has very little flexibility with his work hours. He has a DC (DSC) with his ex. DSC is 12.

Ex also has a similarly demanding job with very little flexibility. This has meant that DSC is essentially primarily looked after by either me or their GPs.

Which is why it's even more upsetting that ex has a long history of messing around with contact schedule and 'forgetting' that she's away so can't pick up DSC as planned. I believe she only does this because she knows I am at home and uses me like free childcare. The entitlement really makes me resentful. DH denies this and gets really huffy if I suggest this is the case.

Until now, there has always been enough wiggle room for the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she did forget. Maybe work did change her hours. Maybe DH did get the dates wrong. Maybe the dog did eat her homework...

If I ever say anything, DH's argument has always been that I'm helping him out, not his ex out, we're a team, etc, etc. Or if that fails, he says that I simply don't want DSC around. Not true.

This weekend his ex 'forgot' that it was her day again. Except this time there is absolutely no doubt that she was relying on me stepping in to pick up the pieces. There's no other explanation. It's blatant. DH can no longer deny it.

So I have been proven right. And now DH owes me an apology for all those times he got huffy with me for saying what I can now prove was the truth all along.

Will I get an apology? If I don't get one, should I ask for one?

I'm aware how rubbish DH is being in all of this BTW.

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 20/12/2021 12:20

Stop stepping in and be unavailable so that she can't just keep doing it?

harriethoyle · 20/12/2021 12:21

I suspect you won't get one voluntarily and you will have to ask for one, which will be given begrudgingly and therefore will mean bugger all... they both sound very entitled but the only one you have control over is "D"H. Time for a serious chat I think...

KylieKoKo · 20/12/2021 12:22

I agree. Rather than expecting an apology take control. Don't step up. Be busy and let the parents sort them out. So many step mothers end up being default childcare!

RedWingBoots · 20/12/2021 12:22

Ask for one.

Does your DSC have special needs? Or do you live rurally? As a 12 year old should be able to make their way home or to a friend's house to enable them to get home if their mother "forgets".

There is a bigger issue here. The 12 year old is seeing that because their mother "forgets" when they are having them they are not a priority to her. Your DH needs to have a polite word with his child's mother and point that out to her.

Justilou1 · 20/12/2021 12:26

Honestly doubt it. I think you need to be unavailable. I realize that it’s not fair on the child, but this has become your problem by default - not design. If both of her ACTUAL parents are forced to become accountable because you refuse to step in anymore, maybe you will be treated with some respect or at the very minimum, some gratitude.

Original poster
NoMoreChocolateCoins · 20/12/2021 12:37

I get the point about being unavailable, but it’s almost impossible to be unavailable to look after DSC when I’m obviously looking after my own DC. It’s a hard argument to have. ‘Yes, I know I’m at home baking, but I won’t look after DSC on point of principle!’ I look like the bad guy and she gets away with it.

I used to do a different job that meant I wasn’t around as much as I wanted to be for my DCs. So I changed my job and took the salary hit so that our family could benefit. Not so that she could have a free childcare resource.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreChocolateCoins · 20/12/2021 12:52

Does your DSC have special needs? Or do you live rurally? As a 12 year old should be able to make their way home or to a friend's house to enable them to get home if their mother "forgets"

Unsurprisingly, due to the fact that they never reliably know when they will next see their mum, DSC is highly anxious and wouldn’t want to catch a bus on their own. Also it’s dark so early at the moment there’s just no way any of us would feel okay knowing DSC was standing at a pitch black bus stop in the cold.

One other thing that rankles is I am the only one out of ex and GPs who drives. So not only am I assumed default childcare but I also have the privilege of doing an hour round trip to drop off as well.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 20/12/2021 13:08

They will learn soon enough when they start paying for ubers

RedWingBoots · 20/12/2021 13:10

OP you have a DH problem.

He may or may not also have an ex problem but that isn't something you should be sorting out for him.

Your SC anxiety is why I say repeatedly on this board that children need to have a routine for contact.

Yes, your DH works shifts but contact can be worked out around shifts if the he isn't an a-hole to his ex. Contact is for his eldest child to spend time with him not you.

In addition your DH needs work on his child's independence. They should be able to take the bus to places including home from school - even if they end up at the wrong home or a friends' home.

It is up to you in the New Year to decide your boundaries on what help you are willing to give him if he refuses to address his problems.

Bubblty · 20/12/2021 15:59

Say you'll do it but you want paying? Is not fair of her career to be aided at the expense of yours

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2021 16:15

‘Yes, I know I’m at home baking, but I won’t look after DSC on point of principle!’ I look like the bad guy and she gets away with it.

She actually is the bad guy and couldn’t give a shit. Don’t make the mistake nice people often do of taking the high road. Fuck the high road, it’s miserable.

You can’t agree to have DSC if it doesn’t have an end point. So you can’t agree. Oh well. They should both have treated you, your time and goodwill with a bit more respect.

They only get to swan around with their very important jobs because they treat you like an idiot. Don’t put up with it. Not your child.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 20/12/2021 16:25

At 11 +mine got a bus between houses when necessary ... Dsc needs a kick up the arse... Or dh can be The Designated Driver... Be unavailable op. Every time.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/12/2021 17:04

Don’t make the mistake nice people often do of taking the high road. Fuck the high road, it’s miserable.

I love this, and whole-heartedly agree. Also, my 14yo stepson has been getting the bus since he went to high school. I don't know when all of this became your problem but I think you need to nip it in the bud and stop the piss-taking.

ZenNudist · 20/12/2021 17:10

No no no to being taxi service. Round here dc gets buses from Year 7. They have to become independent eventually. As for being at home anyway then I think you can't say much about this really. Just don't ferry them around. If they turn up and you're in, good, if you aren't then they have a key and their parents can check up on them.

PickledOnionsOnToast · 20/12/2021 18:41

@NoMoreChocolateCoins

I get the point about being unavailable, but it’s almost impossible to be unavailable to look after DSC when I’m obviously looking after my own DC. It’s a hard argument to have. ‘Yes, I know I’m at home baking, but I won’t look after DSC on point of principle!’ I look like the bad guy and she gets away with it.

I used to do a different job that meant I wasn’t around as much as I wanted to be for my DCs. So I changed my job and took the salary hit so that our family could benefit. Not so that she could have a free childcare resource.

You need to stop being available until they get the hint.

Could you go out the next few times? Even if it's just to the park with a friend or something. Book a couple of days out with a friend with similar aged children so unfortunately it's ticketed and you can't just bring DSC along, that sort of thing.

Say that doesn't work for you sorry. If needs be I'd have the argument that followed with my husband. Because there's no way I'd just be used like this by my husband's ex for the sake of keeping the peace. Your husband is unreasonable to expect it.

Whether you're in the house baking or not, it is not nice to constantly be wondering what's going on, will her Mum turn up, won't she? Can you go out? Ect. . . You deserve to have structure to your time and she clearly can't be trusted to give it.

sassbott · 20/12/2021 19:09

Why don’t you suggest a Family calendar set up on gmail. With kids events/ parties/ rugby fixtures (you get it). And it includes DSC being collected/ dropped off at x time by y person. Because you are such a key part, everything in that calendar is agreed by you otherwise it doesn’t happen.

Then she has no excuses. But I don’t think you have an EXW Issue, you have a DH issue.

In terms of expecting an apology? I think if you get one it will be a very begrudging one. This isn’t about her forgetting, it’s about both her and your DH silently thinking that you should be the default childcare.

By your own admission, you have cut back hours to be primary carer to your DC. Your DH focuses on his job. And the problem I think you have is he fully believes that in exchange for the set up you have, you should do this for his child also.

She wouldn’t do this if he put his foot down.

Georgy12 · 20/12/2021 20:40

NoMoreChocolateCoins

I get the point about being unavailable, but it’s almost impossible to be unavailable to look after DSC when I’m obviously looking after my own DC. It’s a hard argument to have. ‘Yes, I know I’m at home baking, but I won’t look after DSC on point of principle!’ I look like the bad guy and she gets away with it.

No it's not because you don't have to say what your plans are 'I'm busy' or 'I don't want to' is fine. The both of them are taking you for granted. Teammates pull their weight and don't take advantage of you so tell him to do one on that argument. As for not wanting SC around, tell him he's right and that's ok, you're happy for SD to be there when he is but no, you don't want her there when he's not, nothing wrong without that, she's not your child!

thing47 · 21/12/2021 14:55

How about: 'Now you've seen what she's really like, DH, perhaps you can admit I was right all along? And also, going forward I'm not going to be the default childcare for your lazy ex, she needs to organise herself better and you and her need to have an alternative plan for your child'.

cansu · 21/12/2021 18:25

Your problem is your husband. His ex asks him to help and he passes that on to you. Rather than complain about her, you need to discuss this with him.

Shelby2010 · 21/12/2021 18:36

How often is DSC supposed to be at your house? To be honest, I would suggest that as you are default primary caregiver, that DSC moves in with you full time. Ex can then pay maintenance, so at least you won’t be doing everything for nothing. I imagine it will be less stressful for you & DSC.

MeridianB · 21/12/2021 19:43

Good idea, Shelly. Would that work OP? Or make things worse?

Can you drop DSC at GPS every single time ex ducks out of schedule?

SandyY2K · 21/12/2021 19:54

Your problem is your husband. His ex asks him to help and he passes that on to you. Rather than complain about her, you need to discuss this with him.

100%. Absolutely correct.

He needs to tell his Ex, that you're not available, rather than you being the default, if this is happening too often.

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