Bullying by step sibling - WWYD?

[Bobbinatomic]

Daughter’s father is in a new relationship and his partner has children, one of whom is the same age as her. They share a room when she goes over. Last night she showed me some group chat messages where the step sibling and her friends had written vile things directed to my daughter. She was terribly upset about it. She’s told her dad who’s said he was sort it. Should I say something too? And how do I go about it without coming across as the bitter ex wife?

This behaviour isn't acceptable regardless whether it's a SC or DC, and I'm sorry your going through this with your DD

Do you trust dad to handle it ? I would hope he would stamp this out really quickly. I would ask him for what steps are being taken to address it.

Well, dad’s last attempt at reconciling them left daughter in tears and she left the house and came home upset. Dad didn’t handle it well in my opinion.

Speak to dad and ask him how it's going to be resolved so you don't have a repeat.

You need to speak to him so you can reassure your daughter. What did he do last time that went so wrong? Because if it's longstanding and he's not dealing with it I wouldn't be forcing her to go.

What age is your dd @Bobbinatomic?

Last time it went badly wrong he told them he’d tie them together until they learned to get along. DD left at that point and she told him exactly what she thought about that (which hopefully was an empty threat said by an exasperated parent - even so I don’t agree with the ‘empty threat’ school of parenting much less the idea itself). She didn’t want to see her dad for a while after that, it was up to her to see him when she wanted to. They’re 14.

Tell exh he needs to see dd away from his home. She is entitled to feel safe spending time with her df..
Failing that he can fuck off.

Anything I say is probably interpreted as interfering in his parenting or potential bitterness as him moving on. I’ve mentioned multiple times how she’s told me she wants to see him one on one. She’s spoken to him too. Sometimes she enjoys going and I do believe his new partner is welcoming and treats her as part of the family. But if she doesn’t want to go he should be listening to his DD as to why that is.

But if she doesn’t want to go he should be listening to his DD as to why that is.

Sit down with your DD and tell her while you love her to have a good relationship with her father by going to see him regularly you cannot force her to go as she is now 14.

Also tell her if she does decide not to see her father on any occasion she needs to tell him at least 2 days before herself and you won't do that for her.

Sounds harsh but NT children aged 14+ cannot be forced to see a parent if they don't want to and they are expected to be able to tell the parent if they don't want to see them.

If her father then comes to you complaining about not seeing her, simply tell him to listen to her and while you have encouraged her to see him there is nothing more you can do.

At 14 I would sit my child down and try and equip them with skills to unpick this. What would she like to have happen? How would she feel better? Lots of open questions and listening.

I would then ask how she would feel verbalising this to her father directly. And whether she could feel that she could do so. If there was reticence, I would then perhaps go for a coffee with my ex and said child and support that conversation. (But then I have a very amicable relationship with my exh).

I would also explain that at 14 she has choices. She does not have to go to an environment where she is being bullied/ exposed to this sort of behaviour.

I wouldn’t go in over her head. These sorts of things (whilst sad) are also opportunities to equip children with skills to handle this. And also to learn to implement healthy boundaries and be able to communicate those.

So her dad’s response to the group-on-one bullying led by his partner’s daughter was just exasperation and cajoling to all get along?

That’s so poor. There needs to be action and an apology and assurances it won’t happen again before I’d expect DD to go back there and sleep in the same room as her bully. And only then if DD is content to do so.

Does she get any 1:1 with her dad at all? Maybe she could do something with him without being/staying at the house?

Does the SD go to her father's at all? If so, would it be possible for your DD to visit her dad when the SD is away EOW for example?