Hurt, angry, not sure of next steps

[MG1985]

Hi. I don't know any other stepmums so would be grateful for any solidarity with what I'm feeling if poss?!

I've known my SD since she was 2. Her mum and my (now) DH split long before that. We've had a good relationship until recently and she's a cracking big sister to mine and DH's son.

SD is 11 now. We have 50/50 custody. We've all lived together since she was 5 and as far as I'm aware we're a family. We've had a great relationship so far. There's never been any issue in the past with me laying down (reasonable) ground rules, as in tidy your room, use your manners, don't tease your brother etc and I take the view this is my home as well as hers so I have a say on behaviour etc when she's here. I don't get a say in the big stuff, which is completely fine. She's not mine and I don't get to say what she can or can't do when it comes to schools, friends, phones etc.

But the past few months her attitude is HORRENDOUS. She lies, just little things but they're lies all the same. She's been in trouble over her phone and how often she's on it and the way she talks to people - me included. She's bought me to tears with her shitty responses before now. She behaves like she's 18 and it is really, really starting to do my head in. My DH is definitely the disciplinarian when it comes to her mum and him. He's stricter than she is, and she often defers to him for punishment (a kind of "see what dad has to say about this".)

Anyway. I'm rambling. Long story short we've had issues with Snapchat and phone stuff and her mum and dad now check the phone most evenings and monitor her usage. She has a tracker on it and a timer that shuts it off after a certain amount of time.

Looking through messages this eve between her and a boy at school, she's making out like she has a really horrible life with us. She sometimes goes to her nan's after school for an hour or so and has told him "she stays there loads when she's given up on her dad's family." She's told him she stayed there all last week but her dad "wouldn't let her stay any longer" and she had to come home today. It's all lies. She sounds like she comes from a proper broken home when the reality is she has a lovely home life with us and with her mum and we all get on really well.

I took her shopping over the weekend and spent £50 on an outfit for Christmas - my money. She's text friends the whole time she was there saying I'd made her go and I was "making" her wear a dress for Xmas day. What?! DH is furious and having it out with her.

I'm so pissed off with the attitude and lies but now also really hurt that she's saying shit that could potentially backfire on us.

Is she being a normal 11 year old and just acting billy big bollocks for a boy? I've already decided to disengage and not be so involved any more but any more advice gratefully received.

Sorry for the essay!

@Talipesmum
There is a difference between letting a young kid know that as a parent you will be periodically monitoring their electronic devices and sneaking to read them. In one event you are putting them on notice and taking proactive steps to try to ensure their safety; in the other event you are showing disregard for their feelings and quite possibly damaging any feelings of trust that may have been established.

I think that if you are going to give young children access to electronic devices ,it is best to set the parental control devices and to tell them upfront that you will be monitoring their usage.

Don't disengage from her/throw away all the parenting you've done over the years. As hurt and upset as you are, remember she is only 11 and despite trying to act older than she is, 11 is actually still very young. She needs strong leadership in her parents AND step parents with a firm and confident handling of the situation, without too much emotion from your side but more matter of fact 'this is what we're doing from now on'. If your family life has been great then it would be a shame for you to pull away at a crucial time in her life just on the cusp of adolescence - a very challenging time for all parents, biological or not! Challenging behaviour from children who used to be lovely... we all get it. Crazy as it may seem, try remembering she needs you and needs the home environment to stay stable and feel loved despite her poor behaviour (by all means I'm not suggesting she shouldn't be disciplined or allowed to get away with it but if she feels you pulling away it could lead to more lies etc...). The lies and wanting to appear 'cool' towards her peers are all normal behaviour. You can still make your feelings clear towards her but don't let that put you off if you see what I mean ? Basically try the "I hear you, I see you are angry. It's ok to have negative emotions and feel cross (or whatever shes feeling) but I won't let you be rude/disrespectful. We love you but won't tolerate poor behaviour." Boundaries are being pushed. Don't turn away now. Hold firm in a respectful way. Remember children are very observant so we must lead bu example... and don't lower your behaviour to an 11 year old, you have totally got this! Best of luck.

I think this sort of thing is normal at that age. I'd stop buying stuff etc for her for a bit if it will just lead to resentment.

[quote Tattler2]@Talipesmum
There is a difference between letting a young kid know that as a parent you will be periodically monitoring their electronic devices and sneaking to read them. In one event you are putting them on notice and taking proactive steps to try to ensure their safety; in the other event you are showing disregard for their feelings and quite possibly damaging any feelings of trust that may have been established.

I think that if you are going to give young children access to electronic devices ,it is best to set the parental control devices and to tell them upfront that you will be monitoring their usage.[/quote]
@Tattler2 yes that’s what I was trying to say.

OP, it sounds as though your home situation and relationship with your stepdaughter are very good. It would be unfortunate to have all of that damaged or destroyed but the actions of an 11 year old trying to maneuver her way through early adolescence. She is trying to find her footing within her peer group and her identity as a pre-teen. You do not have to like or approve of her fumbling along the way but possibly you can remember the uncertainty that you felt in early adolescence. Guide and help her through this stsge, do not punish her for being in the throes of adolescent development. It is not likely that she would feel comfortable saying " my life at home is great" if the friend/s spends time moaning snd

and bitching about their home life.

OP, your children are younger but their days of adolescent confusion and identity exploration will surely come. I would not take any of this as something personal indictment or repudiation of your home life and relationship, but rather as a young girl trying to find her way and place.