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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Hurt, angry, not sure of next steps

31 replies

MG1985 · 13/12/2021 20:02

Hi. I don't know any other stepmums so would be grateful for any solidarity with what I'm feeling if poss?!

I've known my SD since she was 2. Her mum and my (now) DH split long before that. We've had a good relationship until recently and she's a cracking big sister to mine and DH's son.

SD is 11 now. We have 50/50 custody. We've all lived together since she was 5 and as far as I'm aware we're a family. We've had a great relationship so far. There's never been any issue in the past with me laying down (reasonable) ground rules, as in tidy your room, use your manners, don't tease your brother etc and I take the view this is my home as well as hers so I have a say on behaviour etc when she's here. I don't get a say in the big stuff, which is completely fine. She's not mine and I don't get to say what she can or can't do when it comes to schools, friends, phones etc.

But the past few months her attitude is HORRENDOUS. She lies, just little things but they're lies all the same. She's been in trouble over her phone and how often she's on it and the way she talks to people - me included. She's bought me to tears with her shitty responses before now. She behaves like she's 18 and it is really, really starting to do my head in. My DH is definitely the disciplinarian when it comes to her mum and him. He's stricter than she is, and she often defers to him for punishment (a kind of "see what dad has to say about this".)

Anyway. I'm rambling. Long story short we've had issues with Snapchat and phone stuff and her mum and dad now check the phone most evenings and monitor her usage. She has a tracker on it and a timer that shuts it off after a certain amount of time.

Looking through messages this eve between her and a boy at school, she's making out like she has a really horrible life with us. She sometimes goes to her nan's after school for an hour or so and has told him "she stays there loads when she's given up on her dad's family." She's told him she stayed there all last week but her dad "wouldn't let her stay any longer" and she had to come home today. It's all lies. She sounds like she comes from a proper broken home when the reality is she has a lovely home life with us and with her mum and we all get on really well.

I took her shopping over the weekend and spent £50 on an outfit for Christmas - my money. She's text friends the whole time she was there saying I'd made her go and I was "making" her wear a dress for Xmas day. What?! DH is furious and having it out with her.

I'm so pissed off with the attitude and lies but now also really hurt that she's saying shit that could potentially backfire on us.

Is she being a normal 11 year old and just acting billy big bollocks for a boy? I've already decided to disengage and not be so involved any more but any more advice gratefully received.

Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:

sassbott · 13/12/2021 20:09

What on earth is a 11 year old doing on Snapchat?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 13/12/2021 20:13

Is she at secondary school yet? Remind her having a phone at 11 isn't a right...
And messaging a boy at 11 surely is a bit young?

mummytotwoboys0600 · 13/12/2021 20:13

Sounds like you have a lovely home life and she's lucky to have a caring step mum. I have a 10 year old step daughter and she can be challenging and doesn't listen to me, she tries to discipline my 1 year old and it frustrates the hell out of me.
You have every right to step forward and have a word with your step daughter. Don't leave it to her parents especially when it involves things you've done, she may respect you more if your open and honest about how she's making you feel.
I do think it's part and parcel of having a preteen, the lies I mean.
If I were you, I would be straight with her, don't sit in the background and she will respect you x

Tylertammum · 13/12/2021 20:15

Wow that sounds tough. My friend is a step parent and she finds that she has to go and vent on forums on a regular basis. Sorry I don’t have specific advice other than to say it’s very understandable why you’re upset and furious. I think it is common for 11 year olds to say strange things like that but that doesn’t make it ok if course. I wonder if disengagement is the right thing but maybe others have other advice or opinions. Sometimes when anyone acts out (any age!) what they really need is closeness from those around them.

sadpapercourtesan · 13/12/2021 20:17

Firstly - she does come from a broken home, and she will have feelings about that however lovely you think her life is. She has a right to discuss those with her friends in whatever terms she chooses.

She shouldn't be on Snapchat at her age - if her dad is a disciplinarian, I'm surprised he's happy to let that happen.

I don't think you should be reading her texts. If her mum and dad monitor her phone activity for safety reasons that's one thing, but you shouldn't be reading her messages and then judging her for what's in them. She's 11 and old enough to have her own relationships with her own friends. All kids exaggerate and ham it up for their friends!

I don't see what being "furious" and "having it out with her" is going to achieve apart from to humiliate and anger her, and make her want to keep secrets, which presumably isn't the effect you're all hoping for.

justustwoandmoo · 13/12/2021 20:18

@sassbott

What on earth is a 11 year old doing on Snapchat?

??? Most 11 year olds are. Even if you think they ain't!

AtlasPine · 13/12/2021 20:18

Talk to her, listen to what she tells you. Tell her how it makes you feel. I remember catching out my sister telling friends at school lies about our parents - she said she did it for fun. I think she liked the attention.

Lovelymincepies · 13/12/2021 20:19

She sounds like a lot of the 11-12 year olds in my sons year.
Don’t take it personally, they are probably just trying show off/gain sympathy/empathise with others by making that shit up.
You sound lovely x

HeddaGarbled · 13/12/2021 20:23

I don’t think this is anything out of the ordinary. She’s exaggerating for effect. You shouldn’t be reading it.

TabithaTiger · 13/12/2021 20:26

Is she year 7? My DS was horrendous at this age. I think its because they're trying to fit in so show off/ make stuff up to try and impress others. He had a 'girlfriend', they used to text all the time and I caught him telling all sorts of lies. He did grow out of it but it was a difficult time. I think all you can do is remain consistent and try not to take the lies to personally, remember it's all about her, not a reflection on you and your DH.

SpeedRunParent · 13/12/2021 20:27

I find the best approach is to read up on the tween / teen brain chemistry. Make sure you understand what is going on and it will really help to not to take this stuff personally. Once you remove the hurt feelings from the mix you can discuss matters with her objectively. Buy her a book on the teenage brain so she has a little more self-awareness. Be practical about it, rebellion is boring if no one is reacting badly.

SpeedRunParent · 13/12/2021 20:28

Also, snapchat is awful, ask her dad to read up on it, my teens have and do t use it.

Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk · 13/12/2021 20:31

Nearly murdered my daughter at that age (semi lighthearted). What a total
Cow she was. . . Lasted about 18months. I think a fair bit is hormonal. Sending you hugs. It gets better.

Bobbybobbins · 13/12/2021 20:34

I don't think there is anything here that is massively out of the ordinary but obviously hurtful for you. I would say as a pp said that the lies are for dramatic effect for her friends rather than to get at you guys.

Wallywobbles · 13/12/2021 20:38

It was a hideous period for us. Lots of girls are massive drama queens and either their caught up in someone else's drama or their making their own.

We always talked about all the drama stuff. I constantly reiterated DONT ADD TO DRAMA. To some effect. I'd ask her why does she need to make herself seem more interesting.

Get her to think through the potential consequences of all her current actions. Where hurting people who love and care for her might end.

Good luck. It's a long stage....

itsgettingwierd · 13/12/2021 20:53

@Wallywobbles

It was a hideous period for us. Lots of girls are massive drama queens and either their caught up in someone else's drama or their making their own.

We always talked about all the drama stuff. I constantly reiterated DONT ADD TO DRAMA. To some effect. I'd ask her why does she need to make herself seem more interesting.

Get her to think through the potential consequences of all her current actions. Where hurting people who love and care for her might end.

Good luck. It's a long stage....

Great post.

It's not done to hurt you, her mum or her dad. It's done to make her seem more interesting and get attention.

She needs to know what the consequences of that could end up being - including her friends not trusting her when they find out she's lied.

Alongside this find out why she feels she has to lie to her friends to make herself seem the poor friend who's unloved.

MollysDolly · 13/12/2021 21:02

@Lovelymincepies

She sounds like a lot of the 11-12 year olds in my sons year. Don’t take it personally, they are probably just trying show off/gain sympathy/empathise with others by making that shit up. You sound lovely x

This.

My own DS, I found messages of his budding rally cross career, that I had cruelly halted, despite his obvious talent. Such an ignoramus was I.

He's had one "young driver" lesson, in a Kia, at 15mph, and got scared because it was too fast.

Original poster

MG1985 · 13/12/2021 21:09

Thank you all for your thoughts - every one of them has gone through my head too! I appreciate it.

Yes to her being in yr 7. My sister works in secondary schools and said that they're all hideous at that age! Trying to remember that. And also trying not to take it too personally. I know kids say and do things to look good/get a reaction so I do need to look at it more objectively.

DH has spoken to her. Not got angry or anything but just said that if she was really unhappy at ours then she needs to talk about it. He told her to see her saying stuff like that is really hurtful. He's also messaged her mum and asked for her support so hopefully it's covered on all bases.

I said I was thinking about taking a step back and he said he really didn't want me to and up until now me and her have always had a fab relationship. So, we'll keep working at it!

Also, no, we shouldn't be reading her texts. That I agree with - she has a right to privacy and it could make her more secretive, you're totally right. But it was part of the the deal after she downloaded Snapchat when she'd been told to delete it and then was messaged by someone posing as a friend who asked for dodgy pics. It's for her safety as much as trying to teach her about trust.

Again, thank you. I met "mum friends" when I was pregnant with my son so can sound off about annoying 5yo to them but have no one to vent to about step mumming! Bloody pre-teen is a whole new world!

OP posts:

Original poster

MG1985 · 13/12/2021 21:10

Thank you all for your thoughts - every one of them has gone through my head too! I appreciate it.

I said I was thinking about taking a step back and he said he really didn't want me to and up until now me and her have always had a fab relationship. So, we'll keep working at it!

Again, thank you. I met "mum friends" when I was pregnant with my son so can sound off about annoying 5yo to them but have no one to vent to about step mumming! Bloody pre-teen is a whole new world!

OP posts:

ClaryFairchild · 13/12/2021 21:32

You sound like you will get through this with the support of your DH. She's playing for sympathy and attention with the Cinderella act. Just remember to give her a choice with some things (like the trip to the shops) and remind her that SHE chose to go and didn't have to and remind her that it was HER choice.

Also perhaps discuss with her that it will become difficult for people believe her if she tells them when something bad is really happening if she has form for lying about these things.

Magda72 · 13/12/2021 21:36

Well I'm sorry but I don't think 11 year olds have a right to privacy - not on social media. I wouldn't dream of looking at my 16 yr old dd's phone but would have had no qualms about doing so when she was 11/12 or even 13. Kids need to be taught how to use social media responsibly & part of showing them how is monitoring their usage until they are mature enough & savvy enough to know the pitfalls.
My dd downloaded Snapchat without my knowledge about the same age & I made her delete it. She had WhatsApp & got Instagram at aged 13 & didn't get Snapchat until she was 15.
My 19 & 24 year olds thank me for keeping them off social media as long as I did - they both hate it now & say it has played havoc with the confidence levels of a lot of their peers.
Not knocking you at all @MG1985 but an issue like this is another eg of the tail wagging the dog. 11 year olds don't need to be negotiated with, they need to be guided & many of them are horrendous at this age because they are let be horrendous. I'm not saying that's the case here but I would be making no apologies for checking her phone.

Tattler2 · 14/12/2021 00:51

OP, have you considered that maybe she is not lying so much as playing to her audience? If her new friend/s are complaining a lot about their home life , she may feel that she needs to make up something to fit in with the group. Her home life sounds pretty normal so she likely has to make up issues to suggest that she is just another unhappy pre-teen.

Many grown men go through some of the same revisionist playing to the room when described their ex to the new woman. Probably the same level of truth and the same motivation- "like me,like.me,please."

I would not attach to much significance to what she is texting to her friends. I would stop reading her text , because that is a certain way to lose her trust in you. However, I would have general talks about the importance of not trying to change who you are to fit in with or please other people.

You might try asking if she would like to invite some of her new friends over so that you could get to meet them.

Pre-teens are at a pretty tricky stage and it can be difficult to try to determine who you are and where you fit.

TheSandgroper · 14/12/2021 00:58

At age 11, you should have parental controls on her devices and you absolutely should be reading her messages. At age 11, she has no filter to learn about whatever appropriate or not. She needs your supervision and discussion to learn. Her device should be removed soon after dinner and not returned until after breakfast the next morning. She needs lots of time off the device to allow her brain to develop proper family relationships. Weekend device allowance is to be discussed and decisions adhered to.

This is a time for firm guidance, not a free for all into the world of god knows what.

Talipesmum · 14/12/2021 01:19

Absolutely you - or at least her mum and dad - should be reading her texts. My y7 has a smartphone with the explicit proviso that we will look through it every now and again, as he’s still v young for it. But we did say this from the start - harder to implement later on.

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2021 01:25

Have you offered to return the dress bought on the weekend? ‘I’m so sorry you didn’t feel you could say you didn’t like it, I would never have bought it if I hadn’t thought youd like it. The tags are still on so i can return it on Friday, don’t worry about it’
Because I bet she liked it and will be gutted by this, but consequences…

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