Step child calling me mum

[Emsyemsy]

Hi,

I've seen a lot on the other side and not anything from this side so just wanted to get opinions please.

My DH and ex split when their daughter was a few months old after a brief on and off relationship . We started chatting months after. I waited a year before meeting my DSD when she was around 20 months and gradually introduced myself into her life. I'd sleep in separate bedroom on holidays from my DH and DSD to respect her mother and tried many times to form a relationship with her mother despite the relationship between her mother and my DH not being good. I was introduced as my name but 2 years in she said she had two mummy's. I explained to her, as did my DH as did the ex that this was not the case and she would still refer to me as my name at this point then I gave birth to my DD and she started naturally calling me mum again we explained to her and her mother even stopped contact many times due to this and told my DSD. My DSD got very very upset by us telling her this wss I've treated her as my own when we'd tell her she couldn't call me it and didn't understand why her sister could but she couldn't and was it because I loved her sister more than her. I spoke to a health visitor about it as I was so distressed and she said the child is paramount. So when it got to this point I decided to stop putting her mothers feelings above hers and allow her to call me what felt natural to her.

It's probably also worth noting that her mother is probably the worst person you could imagine to co parent with so can't amicably talk about it she's volatile to me and constantly starts and resumes contact somethings DSD is in our care more than hers and then she'll stop contact for a reason she fabricates but never too long because she finds it difficult but just to prove her power/control.

I strongly believe she has a personality disorder. But most importantly her social life comes before my DSD. She's spent every mothers day but one with me when she's legally entitled to it, she's chosen not to see her on her birthday, not to take her on her first school trip and generally picks any man she can over her. She has no stability in any aspect of her life friends, jobs relationships are all short lived but when in place are intense and turbalent all of which DSD is subject to. I've turned up to drop her off at agreed times before and she's cancelled the calls when I ring outside because she's gone out for the night. She's ban me from picking up but when my DH is in work and she wants to go out she'll allow it. I've always been very pleasant and jump to any demand in order to do what's right for my DSD and allow her to pick and choose when it's OK for me toc are for my DSD. I do see DSD as my own she's very aware of the biology and who's who and the story behind it but genetics to her make no difference she sees me as doing the things a mother does the homework, the routine, the bathing, the school run the love care and affection, the parties the birthday presents etc she doesn't see a difference in regards to feelings and I feel the same she's as much my daughter as my DD is and I would never want her to feel otherwise and feel excluded when in our home.

As ridiculous as this sounds because her mother has given me so many motherly duties like taking care of her when she's ill so she could go out, taking her on her school trips, allowing us more care than her knowing I'd be caring for her whilst DH is in work, being part of my mother's day every year and arranging every one of her birthday parties I would feel (silently) hurt of she decided she wanted to do these things and in turn take them away from me in the future.

I know how people feel about this and I was very much the same that everyone has one mum and one dad but that was before a beautiful little girl made me realise biology means nothing it's what you put into a child that makes you a mother and its up to them to chose if they feel your worthy and want to call you a mother of any sort..

I genuinely hand on heart being a biological mother myself now if my children were ever to have a step parent in the future I would allow it even if it made me sad because you do anything fir your child and of that's wgat makes your child happy content and makes them feel more accepted loved and less excluded then it is the best thing.

Wondering if anyone else has opinions on this situation

Thanks xx

First off, you sound like a lovely step mother and it is testament to you that she wants to call you mum. I think it shows how safe and well cared for she feels.
I would just allow her to call you whatever feels natural to her, she obviously gets her stability from you.
But, at the same time I would keep reiterating she has her mummy and that you'll be there no matter what and whatever she wants to call you is ok. You wouldn't want her to forget about her actual mother, despite her being good for nothing..a child knowing where they come from is paramount to their identity.

Sounds like your DH has passed his parenting duties of his daughter Onto you.

You have a DH problem.

@HadaVerde what a load of bullshit

Get your hard hat on op.. The step mum haters will be out in full force.

I had a very similar experience to you. When my DSS was young he started calling me mum, it wasn't something I encouraged, he just seemed to dislike the length of saying "step mummy" and wanted to call me mum. Then he went home after that weekend, obviously repeated this to his mum, and she flipped out, the fallout of which really shaped the next few years. DSS became much more upset and confused about his situation based on what she said to him in response to that moment.

I understand why it would be upsetting for a mother for this to happen, but at the same time the only person that ends up hurt is the SC. Having them call me mum or view me similar to a mum wasn't some maniacal plan of mine, I got nothing out of it.

Oh lord your going to get beaten on here for posting this. Brave lady 💐 . I just want you to know that a) you have done everything right just this board gets haunted by people who have issues. b)You have done all things people profess to wanting in a SM but also you will get flamed for it.

I'm a mum and a stepmom and should my DD call another women mum as much as I would be hurt, at the end of the day if they had done all you had done to tell her, I respect daughters choices. I also wouldn't be willing to upset or confuse a little girl and put her feelings behind mine because I'm secure in my position as her mum.

Also who as a mum should want as many people to love your child and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter where that love comes from.

Ego has nothing to do with love.

I think that you would be happier not to think badly of mum but to think in your head, she's clearly lacking support for maybe a underlying mental health issues and try and be empathetic. This will reduce any anger or frustration that may show in the future, but I gotta say mum sounds like hard work.

Thank you that's lovely. I completely agree with this and she loves her mother we never allow her to fall from the pedastol. I've made a box for when all the children turn 18 for every year and her first year I've included pics of her mother and my DH at the hospital with her etc so she's reminded she was made with them before I was around xx

Sometimes the terms "mom" and " dad" are just used by children in places of names. They do not designate feelings and are just terms to designate the types of relationships. Your step daughter very likely is not confused as to which of you is her actual mother anymore that she is confused by the 5 or 6 Heathers and Johns who may be in her classroom or play group.

She probably has strong positive feelings for both of you, and as you are called mom by her sibling, it simplifies things to call you "mom" as well.

Hopefully, her mother will develop a more mature outlook and stop making an issue of a situation that will resolve itself over time.

At the end of the day, does it really matter what anyone is called as long as the child feels cared for in both homes? The mother's insecurity should not dictate the child's responses.

I have 2DSS, the oldest is 18 and lives with us, she and her mum have never gotten on, we are very very close...she comes to me for everything. Her mum was never affectionate with her, left her out favoured her brother. DsD prefers me to her own dad. I'm very much with OP biology does not make a parent, I have my own 3 DC and I love my DSC just as much as my own.

You sound like a great mother to both your daughters

It's a step child's decision whether to call you mum. My friends kids call her dp dad, their choice they were secondary school age when they met, the son started within a year, the daughter took 8 years.

I think you go with the child’s decision; as long as she understands the actual situation then it’s more harmful to a child to keep saying no you can’t call me mum.
I have a DSD and my own DC and I’d find it incredibly hard if my DC called someone else mum but it’s not about the adults, they have to manage their own feelings for the best interests of the child.

I think I’d be suggesting she and you have a special nickname she calls you that’s just for you two. Overall, you need to do what works for you and your family though.