Siblings

[SpaceshiptoMars]

What would you think if older sibling rang younger sibling just before (ysibs) finals - to harangue them for not having looked for a job yet?

What's ysibs? I'd wonder what their issue was.

ysibs = younger sibling's (finals)

It sounds like the sort of thing I'd do to my younger sister if I was worried about her. She would tell me to mind my own business and stop bossing her about. I don't think this is anything to be concerned about unless there's some kind of huge backstory

Bit more context?

If older kids had to work after school ended, during summers ,or after graduation, I don't think that reminding a younger sibling that they should have started the job search process is haranguing them. The older siblings are probably aware of the drill , and are aware of the best timeline to start looking.

Getting this kind of reminder during an exam period should not be a major distraction for a kid who is on top of all of his or her studies and timelines. I cannot imagine as a high school or college student that this is something that I would have even thought to mention or to complain about to my parents. If I thought my sibling were crossing a line, I would have told them that I was on top of managing my life but I would not have felt the need to inform my parents. What would I expect them to do or say that I was not capable of doing or saying on my own behalf?

Are we missing why this is on the step forum - other than older sib is your SDC and younger sib is yours and DPs and half sib?

And you think SDC is out of order?

Questions:

Are these finals at university?

Did you hear about this via the younger sibling?

Is the younger sibling your child, but not the older one?

More context... Younger sibling had special needs, long history of anxiety and being bullied by the older one. Considerably more able than the elder, but final results did not match demonstrated abilities. Knock on effects - result paralysed them, life on hold for years. I learnt about the incident from the elder, who had no qualms about their behaviour.

University finals. Both are SDCs. No kids of my own, so actual parents views sought here.

I think that it is unlikely that final exam results are solely or even specifically attributal

attributable to the telephone call. It seems like a reach.

This incident aside, I’d expect their parents to have stepped in to prevent The ‘long history of bullying’ by the older child of the younger one with special needs!

@MeridianB

This incident aside, I’d expect their parents to have stepped in to prevent The ‘long history of bullying’ by the older child of the younger one with special needs!

Well, multiple children. Elder comes in from school, Mum retires to the kitchen to make tea, elder is hurting younger and cries ensuing recall Mum - damage done. As they got older, they got sneakier - quick pokes etc, meltdown provoked, innocence personified, clean hands, what me guv?

I've experienced this myself from them. Got me on my own, tried to scare the shit out of me, somewhat surprised when I stood my ground and just raised my eyebrows.

As for DH - long hours, commute, working away. Mum was operating as a single parent much of the time.

I think reminders that a lot of graduate jobs etc might be recruiting before results is helpful but anything like nagging or having a go at them is just heaping pressure on them they don't need

harangueing is not on. And also none of their beeswax.

It sounds in part like an unpleasant childhood and to the extent that the phone call tale is repeated years later, it also sounds like a way to pass blame to someone else rather than to take ownership of one's own life outcomes.

It is interesting that dad is not accorded any blame for these outcomes. Many fathers travel and work great distances and long hours and still manage to be aware and an Integral part of the child rearing process.

@Tattler2
I haven't heard a peep about this from the younger DSC, only the elder, and I don't think the younger one is sufficiently socially connected to link their outcome to this event. I mentioned it to my own DSM because it bothered me, and her comment was that she was surprised that DSC passed their finals, considering. Which then got me wondering....

As for DH, he is fairly typical for his age and background, and his late wife very much wanted to be an Aga mum, so not sure that blame is helpful here. I'm trying to understand the dynamics, because it is now affecting current stuff, and I need to know who it is I'm dealing with.

@SpaceshiptoMars
I suspect that both these people must be adults at this point. If there is an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship between the 2 adult siblings, maybe they can seek family counseling to sort their adult relationship.

Assuming that they see their relationship as one in need of repair, they need to be the ones stepping up and seeking solutions. From what you say, it seems as though the student passed her college exams. Your SM's assessment may be valid or it is also may be that the call served as motivation for the younger sibling to become proactive in her job search. Either theory is plausible and maybe neither theory is accurate. Revisiting their childhood may be far less helpful than recommending that they get professional help them to navigate the here and now.

It sounds like your describing sibling abuse.
Tell the younger one to look it up. The outcomes in terms of mental health can be as detrimental as parental abuse. I say that as someone who has crippling anxiety and depression for most of my life due to sibling abuse. The day I finally went no contact with my brother was the day a weight was lifted after a lifetime of everyone saying dont let him get to you.
The phone call may have served as a catalyst. Think of an abusive ex phoning you up to give you life advise before a big interview. In theory you should be prepped but that call will put you on edge and fuck with your head.

@SpaceshiptoMars not all siblings are created equal. Sounds like there's a cycle of the elder not being kind to the younger.

What you can do is enable to younger to be aware that they have a voice and will be believed even if it's just by you !

I don't think you can blame a phonecall on failing exams and then failing at life. Honesrly some people need to take responsibility for their own life. Older sibling sounds nasty but younger could have stepped away by that age they were adults.

@Aimee1987 Thanks, I'm going to take a look at that. I'm now wondering how much of what I'm seeing is down to special needs, and how much might be bullying induced.

We are currently at the point that everyone in the family except the elder one here are having some sort of therapy. For them - hell will freeze over first, unless they find some way of being in charge. I did talk to my psychologist about family therapy, and he, well versed in the saga to date, declined to take it on! It would take a very strong therapist indeed to tangle with the elder one - DARVO.

I've put a lot of work into bringing the younger one back onstream. They have found a way to use their 'specialness' for work and it's taking off. And this is when the elder one resurfaces and acts in a way that looks like possible sabotage....

The degree result is immaterial now. DSC has found a skill that others can't duplicate.