Everyone has covid & life has never been so peaceful.

[Caramay]

This is a pointless post really as I'm not looking for advice but I just wanted to talk about this and I can't really admit it to anyone irl.
Dh's exw & 3 teen dc all have covid. No one very unwell, all vaccinated. They came down with it one after the other so as a result dh hasn't seen dc in 3 weekends.
My exh & his dw & dc all have covid also. No one very unwell but again they came down with it in stages so my teen dc haven't seen their dad for 3 weekends also.
The last 2 weeks have been the most calm and stress free I've had in YEARS! There's been no back & forth, no dramas, no rushing. We have just been living like a 'normal' family and this enforced break from blending has made me realise that I have been harbouring so much stress caused by blending issues & also just the day to day business of blending.
Dh is of course missing his dc & my dc are missing their dad but they all seem to be doing so in guilt/obligation free way as they all know they have to stay away from households with infection.
Dh is also the most relaxed I've seen him in ages and I don't know, I just feel very sad this morning that my life can't be a bit more like this.
I know it's my life & they were my choices but as many have said on here I really didn't know what a) divorce & b) blending would do to my life & having had the break from blending I actually feel alarmed at how much I have normalised the stress of blending & seeing how (unnecessarily) stressful my life is AND how much of my life is dictated by dh's exw & my own exh.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to get that off my chest.

I totally get this, we had a similar 4 weekends with DSC through covid issues earlier in the year and it was bliss. Even through they aren't bad kids it was great having peace and time with our son and each other. Plus no communication from EXwife is always welcome

YANBU - anyone who has tried it will totally relate to what you’re saying. Of course the “I was that poor despised step child” brigade will be along any moment to tell you off.

But if I could vaporise DP’s ex and never have to hear her name or her voice again I 100% would. She’s worse than useless and causes so much drama for her DCs, it’s a big reason why I don’t live with them.

The early days of trying to blend our families made me feel so resentful and powerless that I have resisted any efforts to try and do it formally. So we all hang out maybe 2-3 times a year but otherwise keep it as two separate families. I really think more people should try it that way, enjoying the relationship with each other without it necessarily meaning you have a relationship with his kids and ex. That doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means I’m protecting myself - and indeed all the kids too - against the inevitable upset that a blended family brings.

It does mean I miss out on having a proper partner, as I’m essentially a single mum who’s dating, but the alternative would probably have ended with us splitting up, so I have to navigate the stress and inevitable disappointment and DP feels torn in two trying to be all things to all people in 2 separate places.

But I’m in no way cut out to be a SM, so I’m not even going to try. His DBro has recently split from his wife and met a new GF who has told him she’s not worried about having DC of her own as “there’s many ways to be a mother”. I’m intrigued to hear how this goes down with the DCs and their mum over the coming months . I know there are probably those who manage it seamlessly, but funnily enough we don’t hear much from them on here. The successful blended family tends to be the ones whose DP is genuinely interested in making the couple the strong unit that leads the DCs and puts boundaries in place with both DCs and the ex. Few and far between.

I felt like this last Christmas!!

@RaisedByPangolins oh my deary that new GFs gonna get a shock.

It's almost like you have to go into it from a permanently neutral standpoint and she doesn't sound neutral. I wonder if she will ever creep on to the board.

OP absolutely nothing wrong with how your feeling. I think part of it it's the expectations of "what should happen" is usually the killer in blended families. In nuclear families you don't have this whole apologising for needing to flex family dynamics when needed, you wouldn't be sorry if you send little Jonny off to stay with grandparents post birth because you know birth is horrific. If little Jonny is a SC you must absolutely not mention baby, expect any good behaviour, absolutely must put up with diabolical behaviour because you had a baby (and therefore are evil and by nature pushing DSC out) also don't ever think about asking for a break because of the above.

I think blended families that live apart have it nailed down tbh. I wish someone had told me tbh.

@RaisedByPangolins

This set up you have is ideal, you and your partner have truly thought about the needs of your children in your relationship. Such a shame that more people don't stop and think about the blending of families.

@Caramay I don’t think it’s pointless at all, I think it’s really important actually. The question is what can you do moving forward to try and alleviate some of the stresses you can now see you normalised?

I will say this, you’re very fortunate that your DH is relaxed. When I was still with my exp, if his children didn’t come for contact, it was the end of the world. And he ensured everyone around him not only knew how miserable he was, but he tried to bring them down with him. It was like living with someone who had a perpetual storm cloud hanging around them. So (and I really don’t say this lightly) count your blessings that your DH seems to have enough about him that his whole life/ happiness does not solely orientate around his children.

My DSD came to live with us this year and although that has its own challenges I’ve alsof realised how much stress was caused by her mum dictating things - all the stress about whether we were going to get to see her, making plans and the anxiety of if last minute there would be a problem, the guilt of doing things without her because that weekend had been cancelled, the constant pandering to her because of all of the above.
It’s given me peace that I didn’t realise I needed quite so much

I think I prefer it when hand overs are minimised. So the holidays when they are here longer are as good for me as when they aren't here between weekends. It's the coming and going over a short space of time and the little dramas that accompany it that get me.

I totally get you. My two step children have had covid slightly separate times so it's meant they've not been round for 3 weeks and it's been so much more relaxing. Weekends have been non chaotic and it's just been nice. Feel terrible saying it as my partner has missed his two kids but I've loved it haha