Willing to be told I'm hormonal

[candlelightsatdawn]

And I am because I'm pregnant and dealing with a really stressful pregnancy related to babies health.

Basically since we told the ex I have a viable pregnancy (hopefully*) she's started getting more demanding. I thought we had nailed it down 😞, DP was on board but now every weekend we have some request from the ex wife and I'm trying to be understanding but it's doing my head in.

Today's drama she asked for a lift to shops (fine buses are awful and it was on way back from where DH was) but turns our she's gone shopping for (saying she will only be 10mins) and asked DH to wait for her to be done and it's been a hour and half and drive her back home and help her unpack. So he's currently sat waiting for her to be done with DSD in car (bore out of her mind - she's text me asking me to come get her as she's bored af my SD12). This wasn't planned, it was a pretty much I need x now and he's run off and dropped everything because we went to breakfast (two cars) and it's like he's like ok did one nice thing for wife 2 best balance it out with ex wife

Requests for money for electric have been request and given (because lord knows I don't want them to go without electric) for us to have DSD say they go out every weekend for lunch and various shopping trips on same time money was asked for electric. I'm mad. I doubt DH has twigged the timing.

I realise I have a DP problem and I'm gonna tackle him but before I do I need to know is am I over reacting? I feel like a I might be but I'm really getting annoyed that every weekend there's a new task that has to be done urgently and DP just jumps.... because he doesn't want to "rock the boat". It's starting to make me really lose respect for him.

What is going on. Why has this only started now baby on way. It's doing my head in.

No you aren't I'd be putting my foot down hard and questioning if I want to be in a relationship with someone who has so few boundaries with his ex let alone having a baby with him

No you aren’t over-reacting, but good you recognise your are feeling hormonal, as you will handle this better if you stay calm.

I would sit down w DH (go out to lunch?) and say the news about the baby has clearly thrown the ex, and it’s important for everyone’s sake to create a framework for how you deal with life going forward.

He needs to go see her and explain that he will always be there for the kids, but he is married to you now and boundaries need to come into place and be respected for everyone’s sake. He cannot drop things at the last minute as you guys have your own life. He cannot give extra money for no good reason, because you have extra expenses. He cannot be heading over to her at the weekend because they are no longer married. Real emergencies are different - but she needs to manage her own finances.

It’s probably also a good moment for you to talk about money, and how that is managed fairly.

I wouldn’t be too hard on your DH initially - wanting to keep the peace is a human impulse. But he needs to act now.

Why on earth is he helping her go to the shops?!!

What is he playing at. Does he not understand they are not married anymore?!

It seems to be a common scenario that an exwife doesn't accept a marriage is over, except in the sleeping in the same bed sense. It comes over as 'you have 2 wives now, and I'm the head wife. I get more'.

Fine (?) if you chose to live by Sharia law, otherwise not.

@SpaceshiptoMars

It seems to be a common scenario that an exwife doesn't accept a marriage is over, except in the sleeping in the same bed sense. It comes over as 'you have 2 wives now, and I'm the head wife. I get more'.

Fine (?) if you chose to live by Sharia law, otherwise not.

Exactly! It's so weird. Like they don't understand that the favours etc are over now.

It seems to be a common scenario that an exwife doesn't accept a marriage is over, except in the sleeping in the same bed sense. It comes over as 'you have 2 wives now, and I'm the head wife. I get more

^THIS

I’m a first wife and if I’m honest I do get it. You spend many years with someone, raise a family with them, you can’t undo that. It’s even worse if it ended ‘amicably’ as that basically means they still love each other but aren’t ‘in love’ and that situation almost always ends up in this ^ situation!

I have a friend who constantly dates men with ex wives and kids and constantly complains about them basically still being answerable to their ex. Personally it’s why I never dated a guy with an ex wife or kids.

The fact your DP is going along with this makes me very concerned tbh

Hang on... you paid for their electricity? And now they have gone shopping. What the actual. How on earth does your DP justify that?!

No, not hormonal at all.

Why is he trying to keep the ex on an equal footing to you? It's weird and unnecessary.

I cannot imagine a situation where DH would do that for his ex; it just seems ridiculous

OP, I think sometimes the way that individuals need to experience themselves are not always consistent with partner's expectations.

Your husband may experience himself as a genuinely helpful person who would give a lift to a friend if it were not inconvenient for him to do so. He may view the ex in the friend category.

I don't have any thoughts about providing money to pay a utility bill other than the fact that I would not permit a situation wherein my children were without electricity and I had the means to prevent that.

I have never asked my husband what if anything he may provide to his ex as relates to his children. He covers all of his expected/shared contributions in our household so it would not matter to me what BBC he might or might not be providing for the convenience of his children.

It may be easy for me to take that attitude because I know that his ex and her husband are more than capable of meeting their own financial needs.

What helps me to stay in what I perceive as my lane is to ask myself " how am I in any way harmed or damaged by the actions in question? " if I can't come up with a reasonable answer then I generally conclude that it is not something that really impacts my life in any meaningful way.

If these things really bother you, then perhaps you can explain to your husband how you are harmed or damaged by his actions. I would imagine that the harm or damage to you may not be obvious to him.

You know the maddening thing is know I'm being on some level unreasonable!

I love DH because he does help everyone and it's not isolated to the ex it's just the fact she's upped the anity on the requests and I'm feeling low and a bit WTF. If he had told me and given me a head up fine but he didn't abs that's not right.

Fine (?) if you chose to live by Sharia law, otherwise not.

This absolutely made me crack up 🤣🤣🤣

I'm also glad someone said it - I used to think it was a good sign that they got on, bugger me why I thought that was a good thing - oh if I had even known I would have run a mile. It's been over 10 years since they split usually contact and requests are kept fairly minimal but I can't pretend that I don't know the ex wife isn't thrown by baby news (I think I explained in previous post why) but in essence she thought they would only ever have one child because she only ever wanted one child despite knowing DH wanted more and he's explicitly always said this, I think in her mind it would never happen so was a bit of a shock.

Oh yes to add to the saga I quite like the ex wife. I think that doesn't help, but the tendency to use my DH as a servant is just annoying. That's not isolated to DH, it's literally how she is with everyone.

Doesn't help that she says things like "it's ok with for your with a beautiful house, beautiful wife, baby on the way and I'm stuck with a partner who is by all accounts a 💩 head who drains the family income". However I kinda resent the fact I'm usually spoken about like a object and ignoring the fact my house, my life and this DC was fought for hard and she can walk from her current partner if she wanted too. There's a kinda helplessness element that does my head in because clearly not helpless.

Anyway sorry to rant. I will be crystal clear with DH and have suggested he speak to his councillor about it. I'm also gonna look at some couples counselling because frankly this situation aside, and including is a bloody lot. Hormones raging don't help

I'm gonna have a chat with him. He's usually pretty good but this whole baby stress has got him slightly out of whack and me truth be told. 😵‍💫😵‍💫

It's amazing you all get on so well though and what she said about you being beautiful is quite sweet really... Your dh should have warned you, but, on balance, I'd probably be aiming not to rock the boat too much? Obviously revisit later if this keeps up. Your baby isn't here yet and you probably will need your dh around a lot more once he/she is here. If you start putting your foot down now, I think that would maybe be a slight error.

Just based on experience, it sounds as if you're one of the lucky second wives who gets on well with the ex!

I don't mean "don't rock the boat" with your dh - that's definitely worth doing. I just mean with getting annoyed with the ex. Don't go in too hard against her is all.

@AurevoirLesEnfants my issue isn't with her because she's entitled to feel how she feels and I do genuinely get on with her so have overlooked some comments said in anger that we're less nice. But we do get on but it's not as rosy as some would think because we get on 😩 boundaries blur and although isn't horrific like some of the stories on here, it does add to a odd Dynamic.

I suppose i hold DH accountable because he's the one I married and I wanted to know how unreasonable I was being.

I do feel a bit ashamed of how I was feeling, in my own head I had completely pretended like DH isn't also extremely kind to me too and although I find people take the mick with him, I don't know if I could be with someone who gives very little shits about anyone but themselves. It feels like just sometimes I have the extreme version of that with him.

Ex wife here, you are defo not over-reacting. It's bizarre she asking him to help her with her shopping / waiting around for her but truthfully it's on him to politely decline these types of requests. By all means help if she's genuinely struggling for cash or she broke down and no one else could help etc. But this, no? You really can't ride 2 horses with one backside...

Its just not fair to you, boundaries are essential in a healthy relationship. They feel fuzzy based on your OP. Given your pregnancy especially, his focus really should be entirely on you I'd say.

Definitely think that he needs to say no a bit more, to ex and everyone else, especially when your baby arrives! He maybe needs to work on that. It can't be good for him doing so much for everyone else. You do get people like that though and they don't seem happy any other way, so it's a difficult one. As long as you do get help from him, especially when you have a newborn and you don't get stuck at the bottom of the pile!

You are definitely not being hormonal, that set-up sounds bonkers!

Your DH's boundaries are warped. His EXDW could ask him for the moon on the stick, but if he's not going to provide that he needs to tell her. It is different to doing the occasional favour for a friend to EXDW expecting him to run around after her.

Your DH is treating his EXDW as you would a partner, and she is likely manipulating it by claiming it's "for his DD" (you haven't said this, however I'm sure it's been used in similar situations). It also seems to have gone on for far too long that this behaviour sounds entrenched, and you may have trouble disestablishing it.

With your own DC coming along, now could be a good time to create those new dynamics i.e. he can't spend his weekends ferrying his EXDW about as he has family commitments with you, and his new DC is equally as important as his first DC, not more or less.

I'm an ex wife too & honestly? I would NEVER as my exh to take me to the shops - that's soooooo bizarre (& I get on with ny ex).
She's behaving like his wife & probably always has, tolerating your presence as the lesser wife so to speak. She (in her head) always had one up on you as she had The Man's dc - but that's all been threatened by your now viable pregnancy & so she's out to reassert her position as the most important female in his life.
She's bang out of order as is your dh who is quite frankly behaving like a polygamist!

You’re not being hormonal, Candle, you’re being completely rational.

He needs to say no to being a taxi service for his ex every single time. I suspect this is about control rather than convenience.

Is the request for you guys to pay her electricity a regular thing?

Setting nice big boundaries now will only help in the coming weeks and months. He shouldn’t be dropping everything on a whim for anything other than your pre-natal cravings at the moment 😀

@SpaceshiptoMars

It seems to be a common scenario that an exwife doesn't accept a marriage is over, except in the sleeping in the same bed sense. It comes over as 'you have 2 wives now, and I'm the head wife. I get more'.

Fine (?) if you chose to live by Sharia law, otherwise not.

This is nail on the head. I had the added complication of having very traditional in-laws who seem to openly hold this view and assume I'll subscribe to same.

I've had the ex text me orders for what she needs my DP to do for her that evening ( when it's not our contact time).

OP you need to shut this down firmly. This attitude of I did something nice for wife 2, I better balance it with doing something for ex is wrong on every level. He has one wife. She is the mother of his kids. He can be there for the kids. He doesn't need to balance anything between his wives.

I would drive this point home and if he can't see it clearly I would reconsider living with him. This might sound dramatic but what he's doing is completely unacceptable. If he hasn't realised that's ok, he can change now. But if he insists on this approach I don't think you've much of a future with this man.

Sorry just to be clear on my post above. He has one wife - you. Yes she is the mother of his children so he has to support on children related matters but he doesn't owe her any husband esque duties.