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Step-parenting

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Access being denied for the umpteenth time

34 replies

User838960 · 24/11/2021 08:50

I have name changed for this as didn't want it linked to previous posts in case it was outing.

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but I was hoping for some advice. An incident has happened with DP's ex (mother of DSD) in which she has blown it all up and is now denying my DP access to dsd. They do not have a court agreement in place and she frequently threatens no access and the courts when she wants to exert control. She also has decided she does not want me anyway near dsd anymore. It is all quite clearly to drive a wedge between myself and DP however that is not the reason for my post.

What can be done in this situation? DP feels going through the courts is the best solution to put an end to this constant manipulative nonsense however the reason he has never gone down this route is for fear of how long it takes and how long she could really deny access. He is completely at her mercy as does not want to miss his fortnightly visitations with his little girl. The longest she has stuck to her threats is 3 weeks but it is always so scary and upsetting for DP.

We live in Ireland. Any advice as to how long the process can take or if there is anything that can be done in the interim? None of this has anything to do with him not sticking to visitation or child maintenance payments etc by the way. It's more to to with her struggling to let go of him not answering to her anymore and it is so so tiring.

I know this is not my battle but I want to support DP and understand how these things work myself as I do not have children.

OP posts:
NeedsCharging · 24/11/2021 09:25

He is right court is the only way.

My niece is going through this and it has been 16 months however her ex was allowed contact after the first hearing which was around 2 months after he applied to court. If mediation had been done at first (most courts request this is done in an attempt to agree to contact so no court case needed) then he would have had contact sooner but as DN was a victim of DV it was not recommended.

Hopefully it will be similar for your DP once he's made the application and if they can both do mediation.

NeedsCharging · 24/11/2021 09:26

Sorry I just realised you are in Ireland so it may be completely different.

Fireflygal · 24/11/2021 09:31

How old is Dsd? In the UK mediation is required before court, is that similar?

If contact is not regular and depending on child's age a court option is often the only way. If will give the clarity to both parties. It does end amicable parenting but it seems as if you are already at the situation.

User838960 · 24/11/2021 09:56

@NeedsCharging Thank you for your response - yes it does look like Ireland also recommends mediation first so I will let him know to start enquiring down that avenue.

The annoying thing is that this has all come about has nothing to do with their arrangements and everything to do with him having moved on it seems. Just find the whole thing so unfair to DSD.

OP posts:
User838960 · 24/11/2021 09:57

@Fireflygal DSD is 5. I know, it is such a shame that the amicable parenting has to end. The only option he has is to wait it out and wait for her to simmer down or take action. But then run the risk of it happening again in 6 months time when she gets her nose out of joint.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 24/11/2021 10:04

If the child concerned is 5 it is worth going down the Court process now.

A pattern of contact needs to be established so when the child is teenage they can decide what type of relationship they want with both parents.

Also a thing I've heard from adult children where they were deliberately kept away from each other, that if the father showed they fought to see them as child the father was forgiven for not actually beimg able to see them.

GatoradeMeBitch · 24/11/2021 10:04

the reason he has never gone down this route is for fear of how long it takes and how long she could really deny access

Without going to court she could just decide no more access full stop. He needs to make a start on it today.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 24/11/2021 10:07

Is she at school?
He can go and collect her from school and keep her for the weekend/the week.
He has as much right as the mother. It isnt wrong. It isnt kidnap. He can go and collect the child and simply tell his ex no. Then return her after the weekend. And also go and see a solicitor today/tomorrow if possible and get the court process started.

Has he kept all communication? If he can show a court that she is using the child as a weapon then she'll be in the shit.

Fuuuuuckit · 24/11/2021 10:23

Court (and mediation) ASAP.

I appreciate what you say about amicable co-parenting, but it sounds like this hasn't been the case for quite some time. Having things sorted via court can very often reduce friction (eventually, it will take time and effort) as there is no wiggle room and can be enforced.

Please ensure that it is incredibly well-planned, including things like Christmas, holidays, family events eg weddings, emergencies.

User838960 · 24/11/2021 10:32

Does anyone know if mediation is the first step, access has to be agreed in mediation leading up to a court date? This was suggested in a previous post. The thought of a 16 month wait time is really scary and he couldn't bear not to see her for that long. I know he would not just go and pick her up from school for example.

Agreed it will have to be very well planned. He doesn't ever push for Christmas or Birthdays etc and really tries hard not to rock the boat.

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 24/11/2021 10:36

Court!

If she is completely withholding access, I would go in hard and say that given the parental alienation taking place, I'd be asking for residency to be changed.

It's unlikely that that will happen, but it sends the message that he is willing to really fight to parent... and may frighten the ex enough for her to smarten up and show that she supports contact by stopping with the withholding contact while the court process goes through, so as not to look as if she is obstructive.

It may be that that's all he needs to say to stop the messing about, but he should just carry on with the court process anyway.

NeedsCharging · 24/11/2021 10:36

16 months is part COVID related OP plus the dad is an abusive lying git so....

I think in mediation if both parents can agree to set contact it is a "contract" that they sign but not enforced by court. However if 1 parent breaks it and it does have to go to court the judge won't look too favourably on the parent who broke it unless there was a very good reason.

TheTrinity · 24/11/2021 10:38

I agree that your DP simply has to start mediation and to put an agreement together formally, if his ex is uncooperative then he has no choice but to go to court, however much that costs and how ever long the process will be. In the long term it will be worth it to ensure he has access to his own child and that she knows he tried his best for her. However, no court in the world will be able to force a parent to be civil or amicable or be better so he has to think carefully about how to manage his relationship with his ex going forward.

candlelightsatdawn · 24/11/2021 10:39

I'm pretty sure it will be same in Ireland but willing to stand corrected but mediation is heavily encouraged as you need to be seen as working within the system before court.

You may find this enough to actually bring the mum back into line, as she will realise your serious and will be willing to do anything make sure contact remind . If she does back track when everything is invoked, keep the process going until the end until you have written documentation of what goes down to the letter.

You need to hop on this right this very second. Don't drop the rope, keep pulling this is a battle of wills. Also once court order is in place, it will calm down a lot.

User838960 · 24/11/2021 10:40

@NeedsCharging Ahhh of course that makes sense. I'm so sorry your niece is going through that!

@Skeumorph That is a really good suggestion just to show her he means business.

He does have very good records of her withholding access over unreasonable grounds. Hopefully the mediation process does not take long to get into/process the steps.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 24/11/2021 10:42

In England mediation is the first step.

It doesn't mean that a parent will have contact with their child even though they are in mediation.

This is because apart from any agreement what you say in mediation can't be used in Court without both parents explicit agreement.

NeedsCharging · 24/11/2021 10:44

I'm so sorry your niece is going through that!

Thank you Smile

It has been and still is horrendous however she has grown so much because of it and is a stronger more confident woman. The freedom programme played a huge part in that.

candlelightsatdawn · 24/11/2021 10:44

[quote User838960]@NeedsCharging Ahhh of course that makes sense. I'm so sorry your niece is going through that!

@Skeumorph That is a really good suggestion just to show her he means business.

He does have very good records of her withholding access over unreasonable grounds. Hopefully the mediation process does not take long to get into/process the steps.[/quote]
Mediation will make her go one of two ways, you respond to both the same way, court.

1.She will back down, play nice and then play up again once the pressure is off. Think of it like a cat plays with a mouse, that hasn't quite died yet.

  1. Double down.

Both you just keep the process going. They are usually quick with mediation in our area. Stay strong, stay united and remember your both on same team so be kind to both of you ! You haven't caused this no matter what is said.

RedWingBoots · 24/11/2021 10:48

@candlelightsatdawn what my DP was warned by a few people is that some parents will drag out mediation for months and also may have a family solicitor encouraging this because they know that if it is taken to Court neither parent will get exactly what they want.

However it was pointed out to my DP, by parents who did end up going to Court, that even though you won't get exactly what you want in Court for your children's mental health and your relationship with them, go to Court if mediation is being dragged out by their other parent.

Certainlyuncertain · 24/11/2021 10:50

The Irish system is pretty different from the UK, so your best bet is finding a decent solicitor and talking things through. They’ll know the local judge, their attitude to access and court waiting times. Mediation is often advised but the waiting lists are stupidly long. I don’t think the waiting time to sort access in court would be that long - we were advised 6-8 weeks for a custody hearing where we are. Good luck!

RedWingBoots · 24/11/2021 10:54

Oh and in England you can have a Child Arrangements Order by consent.

This means that if you agree a Parenting Plan with the other parent you can take it to Court and get it changed into a Child Arrangements Order without the other parent opposing it.

In reality what tends to happen is the other parent (normally mother) opposes it until the final hearing when they realise they won't get their way.

Also Child Arrangements Orders are policed by the parents.

So it is up to one of the parents to take it back to court if circumstances change e.g. severe mental health problems putting the child at risk or it is breached e.g. contact missed without agreement.

TheLongRider · 24/11/2021 10:54

www.courts.ie/guardianship-custody-and-access
This is the Courts page on Family law, there are more links to further information on that page.

The Legal Aid board might be useful if he has low income. www.legalaidboard.ie/en/

Vie8126 · 24/11/2021 10:59

Another vote for mediation and court. However also note that even if contact is agreed via a court order she could still withhold contact and then your dp will have to go back for an enforcement. My DP currently hasn't seen his dd for 5 months despite having it court ordered. Courts are delayed due to Covid also. Best to take the steps to get it sorted ASAP, my DP has found the calling the local court helpline really helpful with regards to time lines etc not sure if you have that as an option.

Justtobeclear · 24/11/2021 10:59

My DH is currently going through the court system as the mediator they were using felt that mediation wouldn’t work for them as they couldn’t come to an agreement. There’s a form they give (I think it’s a c100) that states that mediation broke down and court is the only option for resolution.
SS DM instigated the proceedings to reduce contact and was confident it was an open and shut case because she’s the mum but this hasn’t been the case and she’s had a few of her behaviours highlighted by cafcass without DH needing to bring it up. In your case I would recommend going down the court route because it will be the only way to get regulated protected contact but it will also show her that she does not have full control. It’s a difficult process and could be lengthy but this behaviour could go on for 13 more years and be hugely damaging for the child so definitely worth it.

sunshineandrain82 · 24/11/2021 11:04

We are currently in the system as my oh gained custody recently.
Mediation has to be attempted first. But she could complete refusing. My dsd mother has always refused medication. Who then writes a letter to court.

We initially applied for custody in April with a hearing set 4 months later. However things changed. So it sped up the process.

Some sort of contact was arranged at the first hearing for mum when we were granted custody.
A second hearing gave slightly more contact. We are now at 3rd hearing which should sort mother having some holiday access.

We have been in both positions originally we only had access and each hearing arranged access in the interim until the courts had decided on arrangements.

I would also be prepared for it to be a long drawn up it experience. We have experienced one hearing cases. Our current case we are expecting to have 4 hearings at least in total. Although it's currently complicated as we gained custody. So there was a change or residence.

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