What would you do?

[XStaysee]

Long story short.

Step daughter come to live with me and my partner July 2020 as she couldn't stick living with her mum any longer (she was 12 when she made the decision and is now 13). Since she came down I believe her mum has reached out to her about 5 or 6 times in all which is calls and text messages combined. Last friday with supervision of the social worker assigned (was decided through courts she'd live with us and be put on a child in need plan) she was meant to meet her mum for a short while but the social worker had to cancel as she had an emergency to attend which is fair. So other half worked out when my step daughter would next be free as since being with us she's taken up after school clubs, in the school play, swimming after school etc so busy all week and counselling for what happened with her mum. So he said all tuesdays between now and the new yeat are available and the social worker agreed to that saying it should not be an issue for the mum because she doesnt work. We get a message today to say tuesdays don't work for her, can we do saturdays....well no, the social worker needs to be there and she don't work weekends and also we also do alot on a saturday aswell.

So other half told his daughter about her mum not wanting to do tuesdays and it's immediately set her off crying as her mum is showing no effort even after 18 months of not seeing her daughter. Now sure she may have a good reason for it, but surely trying to build bridges with your daughter is far more important then most things. She has a car so can drive as she lives about 2 hours away.

I said to my other half that I am sorely tempted to ask my step daughter if I can adopt her as her mum is just not being a mum to her and I've been there through so much, yet her mum can't even text her hello.

Would you step parents say enough is enough im gonna adopt the kid, or would you stay away from it and allow the step child to just be as it were?

She still wants to see her mum though. Adopting her doesn't replace the relationship she's craving.

You won't be able to adopt her unless her mum gives permission. Sounds like she's unlikely to give that?

Of course you can still be a big part of her life and love and support her as a step mum.

To comfort her you can say you’ll adopt her however I’m sure she feels loved from you both. Maybe reassure her that you guys want her and that one day her mum will understand what she’s missing. I don’t know what happened with her mum however you only have 2 parents for good or for bad they are still your parents. Of course she wants a relationship with her mum especially at such a delicate age all you can do is reassure her that she’s loved and one day her mum will realise hopefully not too late

@Justmuddlingalong

She still wants to see her mum though. Adopting her doesn't replace the relationship she's craving.

After today her dad isnt sure she will want to see her again, her response was that she wasn't sure what she wanted now.

@LoveComesQuickly

You won't be able to adopt her unless her mum gives permission. Sounds like she's unlikely to give that?

Of course you can still be a big part of her life and love and support her as a step mum.

Her mum slagged me off without ever meeting me and scolded her daughter once for getting me a step mum card on mothers day. I've only ever loved her and provided for her, but her mum don't like me, i mean she tried to stop her daughter for being enlisted to a school down here when she refused to go home, so yeah sure she would put a stop to me adopting her.

@AlexisTTC

To comfort her you can say you’ll adopt her however I’m sure she feels loved from you both. Maybe reassure her that you guys want her and that one day her mum will understand what she’s missing. I don’t know what happened with her mum however you only have 2 parents for good or for bad they are still your parents. Of course she wants a relationship with her mum especially at such a delicate age all you can do is reassure her that she’s loved and one day her mum will realise hopefully not too late

Honestly we tell her everyday that she's loved and she's always got us. We tell her that maybe this whole situation will get her mums ass into gear but after 18 months and my other half was with her for like 8 years, he knows she won't change. One of her eldest sons no longer talks to his mum and has meet up with us and told her how proud he is that she got away from thier mum and other kids of hers keep coming and going. My step daughter is the youngest of all her kids though.

Of course she’ll stop you from adopting her, so why even suggest it?

Focus on what you’re already doing, providing her with a safe and loving home and nurturing her development. She’s lucky to have you.

Talk of adoption is a weird idea and surely a distraction when there’s already plenty going on.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Of course she’ll stop you from adopting her, so why even suggest it?

Focus on what you’re already doing, providing her with a safe and loving home and nurturing her development. She’s lucky to have you.

Talk of adoption is a weird idea and surely a distraction when there’s already plenty going on.

It's just im so mad at her mum for not even attempting to speak with her that I just want her out of her life, now it's ultimately my step daughters decision but right now her mum doesnt deserve her one bit.

I completely hear what you’re saying. Her mother is a toxic horror from what you describe.

Poor girl.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I completely hear what you’re saying. Her mother is a toxic horror from what you describe.

Poor girl.

It's not even half of what she's put her through, she had contemplated suicide when she lived with her mum and since being with us and trying to work through emotions plus not speaking with her mum etc she made out she was going to hang herself in school with her tie, now obviously friends rallied round and she said she wasn't going to, but then we spent an evening at A&E because of it, but only her dad could go in, so I sat freezing in the car just sobbing about how she felt so bad mentally that suicide was an option.

13 is a very dramatic age, though. All angst and hormones. Hopefully she'll settle down gradually now she has stability.

@XStaysee a who is viewed as the parent isn't always the person on the birth certificate.

I get your rage, I really do. Knowing your in her corner is more than enough at the moment. I know you want to swoop in and save her from this heartache but you can't.

All you can do is be there when it comes to picking up the pieces of her heart - like a good parent would do.

Adoption is moot point, it doesn't matter and DM wouldn't let you by sounds of it. Put that aside.

Your energy should be to get that young girl through this ! Good luck op

Being rejected by a parent is incredibly complicated, it was for me anyway. My dad informed me, via his wife that he was stopping contact when I was 13 for my various defects. He then sent a follow up letter.

He was cruel, devastated my life, I ended up hospitalised with a breakdown at 15.

The pair of them did and said multiple evil things over the next 10 years when a family occasion forced us together. At any point I'd have given anything for a hug and an I love you from my dad.

I'm crying just typing this.

I have a wonderful step dad who is do anything for. But there is nothing he could have done to wash away the hurt from my dad. As well intended as a step parent adoption could be, it might just cause more hurt for her.

The adoption part doesn’t really add much to your SDs already very confusing situation. You sound like both you and get dad are doing your best to support her and you should continue to do just this. Plenty of people call themselves a mum but to act like a loving supportive parent means a million times more.

If in a few years time she asks you to then yes of course.

@lunar1 I have no idea what was contained in that letter or any of the details but I wanted to send you a hug and to say that I for one sorry your DF was a 🛎 end.

Gentle with yourself 💐

You sound like you are doing a fabulous job as a stepmother, and thank god for that. I don’t think you could adopt her, so I would leave that be and just focus on making her feel loved and wanted as you are. Just she get some counselling as part of her programme? It might help her to deal with her mother. It does appear the woman doesn’t care, so might be best no to chase contact unless your step daughter actively asks for it.

You sound very caring and like a good step mum, but please don't float the idea of adopting her whilst her mum is "around" it's only going to serve to confuse her more. Just take a step back from trying to fix this broken relationship and just focus on providing her with lots of love and a safe and warm home, she gets her stability from her father and you...throwing adoption out there like you can just do it tomorrow isn't going to help her. Adoption can take a very long time also.. Especially if you know she will contest it.
Her mum sounds like a shit human being but that's the only mum who gave birth to her and bought her into this world, it must be very confusing and upsetting for her to feel not wanted.. But I wouldn't try to replace that with adopting her.
Just focus on the positives.

Oh just a addendum to my previous point, you may want to give this women a good shake and step on her head for hurting DSD this way but remember that broken people where often made by other broken people. Not everyone is strong enough or has the support to break generational cycles. Empathy for the unkind is the only way we truly fight evil in this world.

When talking about DM obviously don't invalid how DSD is feeling but try your dammest to stay neutral on DM. My DM did this with my half sister and she says it aged her seeing DSD get so torn apart by her DM but DSD has thanked her now as a adult for not letting it show. My DM used to go chop veg to let out her rage when it all got to much. Nasty business.

My sister saw through it eventually and so will your DSD too !