Shy Stepson

[hmw18]

Hello all, my boyfriends son stays with us every other weekend and then some periods of a week during school holidays. He is eleven next month and we have now noticed he is much less confident than children of the same age.

My boyfriend had him when he was 24 but our friends really only have babies and toddlers. His mother also has three under four with her partner.

I worry that he is not getting the opportunity to socialise and grow in confidence.

Is there anything anyone has experienced similarly. I have thought about trying to find some clubs around where we live but they are often weekly.

What does your boyfriend think?

I think leave him be and accept him for who he is. Some people are just shy and there's nothing wrong with that.

Have his parents discussed it with his teachers?

OP investigate the clubs and talk to/communicate with the people who run them.

Some are use to children coming every other week due to having other children with separated parents so it is worth asking.

Also what can happen - and this happen to a couple of different friends' kids - it starts of with one parent taking them every other week and then because the kid likes doing the activity their other parent decides to take them on their week as well.

Is he bothered by being shy? What does he wish was different if anything? Is he happy at school? Who are the children you’re competing him to? What does your partner think?

You might be trying to fix something no one else thinks it’s a problem. Some people are introverts and that’s okay.

I certainly wouldn’t take on the wife work of researching clubs, if your partner thinks that’s what his son needs it’ll be something he’ll look into.

Would he benefit from more time with his father.

Yes doing the research is wife work.

However you have the benefit of time without both of them in your home for a couple of hours every week as you can't take the boy to the club as you aren't their parent.

Plus if the boy wants more time with his father then that is what is also happening unless the club is a 2 minute walk from your home.

I think it's great that you are trying to help your stepson. Personally, I feel there could be a few things happening, maybe that he's entering the preteen stage where they just feel so awkward all the time especially if he is naturally shy. Also I do believe that confidence building starts at home, if his siblings are so young, his mother and partner most likely have their hands full and little time for him who has different needs to the little ones. So I would suggest your bf spends as much time as possible with his son, if that means going out and doing sports together, great, whatever activities/hobbies they can share that reinforces their dad/son bond is always good. Hopefully it might future proof you all in the teen years to come.

I don't understand why you think he's not getting the opportunity to socialise -- doesn't he have his own friends? The ages of his siblings and your friends' children aren't relevant, I would have thought.

Sounds like he's just a shy kid, I was always shy and thankfully never forced into clubs and things to try and 'cure' it. He'll come into his own when he's ready, or he'll remain shy.