Single mother by choice

[Musttryharder2021]

Hi,

Is anyone on here a single mother by choice (SMBC- used a sperm donor to achieve conception) and met a partner either with or without his own children?

What were the dynamics like? Did the lack of an ex partner make the relationship much easier? Has it been a successful relationship? I'm curious to find out about people's experiences. I'm not in this situation myself, but will be a SMBC in the near future.
TIA!

I mean I haven't been in this position so I will bump for you but I imagine your situation will be similar to single mum with absent dad.

If your new partner had kids and I was in this situation, I wouldn't worry about me (since no ex to interfere) I would very closely watch him, how he parents, how talks about the ex, and speak to him about what type of parenting style he has.

Because if your parenting style abs his clash, boy will you have problems. Lots of step parents had no idea what actually step parenting would be like until they were in to deep. Watch and proceed with caution.

I think that any woman who is capable of meeting a child's emotional and financial needs on her own is and should be capable of making the decision to be a single parent. The unfortunate occurs when women who lack the emotional bandwidth or financial ability to support a child on their own chooses to have a child with someone who is willing to opt out of his responsibility or was never committed to meeting his responsibilities.

@Tattler2

I think that any woman who is capable of meeting a child's emotional and financial needs on her own is and should be capable of making the decision to be a single parent. The unfortunate occurs when women who lack the emotional bandwidth or financial ability to support a child on their own chooses to have a child with someone who is willing to opt out of his responsibility or was never committed to meeting his responsibilities.

I'm not sure what you mean.

I'm financially and emotionally stable, that's not the issue, and I'd not be looking for a 'pseudo' daddy for my child. I was keen on posters opinions in terms of dating. Single mothers by choice don't have 'ex partners' in the background, so no difficulties in that respect.

@candlelightsatdawn

I mean I haven't been in this position so I will bump for you but I imagine your situation will be similar to single mum with absent dad.

If your new partner had kids and I was in this situation, I wouldn't worry about me (since no ex to interfere) I would very closely watch him, how he parents, how talks about the ex, and speak to him about what type of parenting style he has.

Because if your parenting style abs his clash, boy will you have problems. Lots of step parents had no idea what actually step parenting would be like until they were in to deep. Watch and proceed with caution.

Thank you Op, really good point about potentially meeting a man with his own child/children and about differing parenting styles and he way he discusses his ex partner.

To be honest being a single mum is really hard work ( not suggesting being a married mum isn't hard work) and I don't have time or energy to date.

OP, not many dating partners start off surveying you about the method of conception of your child. They should be interested in your marital status as many people have moral and or practical reasons for not wanting to date someone who is still married.

If you are not married but have a child, you then become one of countless other single mothers in the dating pool. The way /method that your child was conceived should be highly irrelevant to.a new dating partner; later if the relationship because serious, the absence of an ex with whom they would be forced to have even limited contact might likely be viewed as an asset.

Any reservations that you might have about dating someone with or without children would be your issue to resolve.

It does.seem that with having children that their is no route in life.that does not come with its own levels of stress and concern. Whatever you decide, be prepared for much joy and some issues and concerns.

I haven't had this experience, however I have been a stepmum to my EXDP's DC, had 2DC of our own, and now single mum with 2DC having split with EXDP. I'd be delighted to meet a new DP, though not actively looking (yet!).

One of the things I found difficult to cope with as a DSM was that this third person/stranger had such a huge influence over so many aspects of my life, despite me never having met her. A large part of this was due to EXDP never standing up to her, or holding boundaries. You won't have any of these issues, the absence of which should make a new relationship smoother in that regard.

As you have no EX to co-parent with, you'll be in charge of all the big decisions regarding your DC, even if you meet a new DP. This can be both negative and positive. I suppose you'll also have to think about what role you want your new DP to have in your DC's life. This I would have an upfront conversation about, as it'll help minimise conflict down the line (although it will probably still happen!).

Another thing to consider is whether you would want more DC with a new DP, and how you see the situation playing out with you all living together. As @candlelightsatdawn mentioned, I'd be on high alert regarding his attitude to parenting (any DC), as if it's at odds with yours, life could get tricky.

Wishing you all the best on your DC journey!

I’m a single mum I have an ex but he isn’t involved at all whatsoever, has no contact with our children. I haven’t met anyone yet as with that comes downsides of not having free time to date as my children are always with me everyday, but I always thought If I ever am able to meet someone it will be easier having no ex around, I’ve heard of ex partners demanding to meet new partners and it all sounds like such a head ache.

@TurnUpTurnip ex partners can demand but if your partner has good boundaries he will say "No".

Obviously if the situation is one that involves the Family Court then meet but make sure you do it during proceedings, as a couple and it is in public. That way if she kicks off you never will have to have contact with her again.

It seems to me that the OP ,if she chooses to have a child will be in an ideal situation. She will not be dependent upon neither an ex nor a future partner for support or decision making as relates to that child. Other than that, she will be just one of the million of single moms in the dating pool. Like many other single moms, she will have to decide if she wants a partner who himself/herself has existing children. Really, the having the child through AI is a non issue in terms of future relationships. It would be the existence of the child that would be a potential issue as opposed to the method of conception.

Single parents date and what if any problems occur happen because of the personalities of the people involved rather than their status.

I was a single Dad by choice, dating was tricky as without a second parent there aren’t any weekends off etc, so finding child free time was very very difficult. Plus you’re tired, so if you are child free you just want to sit on your arse for a few hours. But on the positive side there wasn’t a second parent to worry about, to argue with etc.

I met my husband, he doesn’t have any children, it must have been a bit of a success for him to marry me. My only worry is me really, as I’m my sons only parent and I have 100% control over rules, parenting type etc, my worry is me being a bit of a control freak when we have a child together.

@Musttryharder2021 On a same boat over here 👋

How are you getting along? In my mind (obviously not experienced it yet), I think it should make it smoother. We won't have to coparent with anyone, unless we choose to include future DP in the child's life (of course after a lot of consideration).