How important really is treating all children exactly the same?

[GreatNo]

And is it even possible in a lot of blended families?

I have 2 DSC and 1 DC of our own.

I have never attempted to have the same relationship with them, and therefore this naturally leads to them not being treated exactly the same either (by me).

I have never had a mother child relationship with my SC. They have no vacancy for that in their lives, no need for it. They have a mother. So there is a stark difference in my relationship with my step children and my relationship with my son.

I would say it's fairly obvious, not maliciously so, that I have a very different love for my son than my SC. Same with my family, they are far more involved with my son than my step children. If asked why, I imagine my parents answer would be 'but they have their grandparents?'. Again, not cruelly, but no one has ever seemed to need those extra types of relationships.

Is it really that terrible? Having read a lot of posts on here the 'treat them all exactly the same' line seems to get pushed hard or children will be traumatised into adulthood. Is this the case do you think?

I am a step child myself, my step parents are great and certainly a positive in my life, but I don't have any half or step siblings, I was the only child in the scenario on both sides so I don't have anything to directly compare this aspect to.

Do you really think it's necessary for step parents, and even then their extended family, to treat all the children exactly the same? Is it even possible in all cases? And if so, what does that even look like when you've never had that parent - child relationship prior to your own DC?

No I don't think it's a fair expectation for a variety of reasons. There are so many factors to consider.

I don't think you have to treat them the same, just fairly when they are with them.

A bit like if your best friend's child were staying over the summer, you wouldn't be petty with the crumpets, and you'd include them all in stuff you do etc. But it wouldn't be your responsibility to put them in your will etc.

I do some 'extra' things for SD, like organising her birthday party, buying her clothes etc. But that's because I want to, not because I think it is my responsibility. It isn't.

I actually struggled for a while with overcompensating and doing too much for SD because she's only here 50/50, focussing too much on her, giving her most attention and most activities planned on those days, instead of my younger kids. I then realised that wasn't fair, and would end up with my kids feeling less important. These things are a hard balance to strike!

It's a tricky one.

I am a stepchild and my stepdad treats me exactly the same as my half siblings who are his. He views me the same, as his child, basically. But he came into my life when I was very young.

I appreciate it and I think if that wasn't the case I would feel quite sad, even though I am still in contact with both my birth parents.

I think it also depends on circumstances.
In the past maybe my own dc had more as I was personally saving for them. It was my dh and his ex job to provide for dsd in some cases. I never made sure if dc got a treat if dsd wasn't with us that she also got a treat. I only ever brought when she was with us.

However dynamics have now changed and we have custody now with dsd having minimal contact with mum. I now save for dsd and buy random treats and she is treated exactly the same because now I have taken on a role that I didn't have before. Our family dynamics have changed considerably as before dsd was here when dh was home so I was just the second adult in the household. Now I find myself raising dsd and playing a much larger roll in her life, due to our family circumstances which means dsd spends a majority of her time now in-fact with myself.

for example I would go out of my way to plan a birthday party for my son whereas I would leave that mostly to DSCs parents this is normal IMO

@rrhuth

for example I would go out of my way to plan a birthday party for my son whereas I would leave that mostly to DSCs parents this is normal IMO

Yes, totally normal. Where it would be an issue would be if you and your husband planned a lavish birthday party with lots of gifts for your son and then come stepkids birthday’s DH bought them one small gift to save money. But he as their parent should organise their party or birthday - as step mum you don’t need to, but of course as your baby’s mum you need to organise it for him.

Yes. I should explain that in my case I've basically organised it on behalf of DP, because SD wanted to have the party at dad's (50/50), and I am more into party stuff than he is.

I think a lot of it hard because DSD is very aware she has a mum and a dad and would find any bit of me overstepping into "mum territory" like party planning might upset mum. If we had her full time or heaven forbid DM died the situation would likely good be different.

I refuse to make DSD sit between a rock and a hard place. So if ever I think ahh DH it's asking me to make something I think her mum might have a issue with or even feelings on, I say don't worry we will speak to DM first and it works for us. However this approach wouldn't work if we were cordial with DM.

Balancing on a tight rope with a blindfold on is what it feels like sometimes tbh

@candlelightsatdawn

I think a lot of it hard because DSD is very aware she has a mum and a dad and would find any bit of me overstepping into "mum territory" like party planning might upset mum. If we had her full time or heaven forbid DM died the situation would likely good be different.

I refuse to make DSD sit between a rock and a hard place. So if ever I think ahh DH it's asking me to make something I think her mum might have a issue with or even feelings on, I say don't worry we will speak to DM first and it works for us. However this approach wouldn't work if we were cordial with DM.

Balancing on a tight rope with a blindfold on is what it feels like sometimes tbh

Always a hard one. I'm making a big point this year that she has to decide with her mum and dad and either way she'll get a cake here anyway. But it might well be that she will want it here again and want the same sort of thing I did for her younger sister. In which case I'll be sorting it. But obviously never without her mum and dad agreeing that first.

Anyway sorry for derailing. But yes, it gets complicated!

@CactusLemonSpice it's so bloody situational. There isn't a hand book or rule guide we are all just muddling through trying our best !

I realise also that anything say is from a fairly privileged perspective because my DSD mums is on the whole fairly reasonable (we have our moments). There seems to be a lot of people who have to navigate utter rubbish so I'm lucky (and it's nothing I have done I assure you)

I hope all goes smoothly whatever the plan is 💐

My DSD now lives with us full time which has put a different dynamic on things including with my own family who now make more effort as they now see her more. It’s been mentioned that she feels different to mine and DHs DC but I feel like I’ve spent the last few years trying to walk the fine line of not over stepping as she already has a mum and now I’m expected to treat them the same yet DSD doesn’t love me like a mum and I don’t expect her to.
In terms of material things I do treat them the same but they’re different ages so that’s also different and I try to find individual time for them all

It’s an interesting one for sure. I am not a step-parent but I have had one since I was 16 or so. My stepdad is bloody awesome - he’s more of a father to us now than our biological dad was, really. He walked both my sister and me up the aisle and is ‘grandpa’ to our children. However he moved in with us full time so was always there. I view his son from his first marriage as my brother, although he didn’t live with us full time. But we feel close. That said, we aren’t as close to his extended family, as I think they have a view closer to that of the OP’s parents.

I think it’s probably different if the stepchildren don’t live with you full time, but there’s certainly plenty of love in our stepfamily set up. Which I feel very lucky to have.

To add - it’s probably also different if the other parent is still on the scene. Dad isn’t, and wasn’t really even at the beginning.

Being treated equally and equitably are different.
My DSC Have both parents involved in their lives my darling partner and their mother therefore they get different treatment to my children but treatment that is equitable because my children only have me.
For example at Christmas I spend more of my children then I do all my stepchildren this is because my stepchildren will get presents from both sets of families my children will only get presents from me and my family.
When we go on holiday my children get a larger budget then my stepchildren do and I buy all their clothes et cetera for the holiday where is my darling stepchildren get that paid for by their dad and their mum so I don't need to contribute towards them as much.
Does this make sense?

Children need to be treated fairly; that does not mean treating them all the same. As individuals children are often very different having varied interests, needs, etc. They are not some one size fits all grouping.

@RyvitaThyme

As long as you are spending " your money and not any portion of their father's money on the Xmas gifts or vacation spending allocations " you should be free to buy what you choose for them. On the other hand , your partner's spending on them should not be curtailed because of what other people may or may not give them. Your step children should not be disadvantaged by their father because your ex and his family choose to absent themselves from your children's lives.

[quote Tattler2]**@RyvitaThyme

As long as you are spending " your money and not any portion of their father's money on the Xmas gifts or vacation spending allocations " you should be free to buy what you choose for them. On the other hand , your partner's spending on them should not be curtailed because of what other people may or may not give them. Your step children should not be disadvantaged by their father because your ex and his family choose to absent themselves from your children's lives.[/quote]
Hold on by that statement your saying that the step children should have more money spent on them because they come from a broken home but other way it's unfair 🤯

@RyvitaThyme was spot on with what she put but dad should be spending equally the same (roughly so as age, requirement and need makes it unbalanceable) on both his children regardless of if comes from a family pot.

Hmm, I think the hobbies situation discussed above is tricky - yes, it is really up to the biological mum and dad what hobbies their DC do, and at least half up to you what hobbies your own biological DC do, but I think if eg: SDD wants to do gymnastics and isn't allowed because her parents don't want to ferry her to and from the lessons but then DD gets taken by you every week two years later that will definitely lead to resentment.
In general I think children being raised as cohabiting siblings (full or half) should be offered the same opportunities at the same points in their lives (eg: "a weekly club of their choice at age 8" - doesn't have to be the same club as each other - or "x contribution to learning to drive at age 17" etc etc). So it is fine that on any given weekend children of different ages and interests do different things and get different presents and have different bedtimes (etc etc) but it needs to be fair over their childhood as a whole. If you have eg: DD full time and SDD half the time your household can provide for just half of SDDs share of the "equivalent" things because she is also in another household, but still need to act with an eye to keeping things fair (and facilitating what means most to each child etc).

@candlelightsatdawn
I am saying that what dad spends on his children should in no ways be predicted on what their mom or anyone else gives them nor should it be predicated on what his new partner's ex does or does not do for his children.

When/if spending her own money on her partner's children, the OP should spend as much or as little as she chooses to spend.

What she should not be doing, is decided to spend less of her partner 's funds on his children and using more of his funds to try and balance things out for her kids. Neither her partner nor his children should have to be a part of her balancing act.

@Tattler2 agreed but that logic often isn't inclusive or applied to SM pays for but you have actually included that there (which often a finer point missed out by others on here.)

@BestZebbie it's incredibly difficult re hobbies my SC mum will refuse to take or let DSC participate in any hobbies or fund any for that matter. DH will pay in total for any hobbies she has or wants to do and I pay for a hobby me and DSD share (as it were) but that took a lot of fighting for. In the end most hobbies DSD did (her mum finally put a kabosh on her going - even when it literally did not effect her financially or time wise) because DSD explained her mum just didn't like her doing them. If your wondering what the hobby was it was swimming (😵‍💫) however DSD still does horse riding with me but that's had a lot of pressure on DSD to give it up. IDK why. DSD loves it enough to put up with it but gets hassle.

I take my DD to hobbies and will take the baby to hobbies when he's older. It's awful position because your right it's not fair but my DSD has to live with the hassle she gets home as as she's said "I can't be bothered" so understands.

All I can do it put that unfairness at the people creating the unfairness. That isn't me sadly. But I still get the comments of but what about SD. Maddening when I have 0 control over it and it comes to bite my SD in the ass.

@BestZebbie I think what you're describing there only really fits with a primary care or at least 50/50 set up.

My DP has DSS EOW, he's not remotely involved in clubs etc. It just isn't how it plays out when that's the contact arrangement you have. Certainly I can see the argument that he should offer them the same amount towards their driving lessons etc but DSS and our DD are not really siblings growing up in the same household with the same opportunities as you say, they have completely different lives. They don't even live in the same town so they don't have much by the way of common experiences. The have core families that are into very different things and have very different lifestyles, so are used to not really relating to each others experiences. Part of that is that I am a lot more education and "club" focused than DSS's family. By extension, DD (though young) is much more that way inclined than DSS.

This is a somewhat long winded way of saying that a) when the parent in common is the NRP and, as is often the case, the less hands on of the two parents, it often doesn't really work out the way with the children's lives and hobbies being planned out by a parent they share and b) when the child is around less than half the time, the whole idea that they have the same lives and experiences as their half siblings kind of goes out of the window. It isn't how they see the world.